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http://www.archive.org/details/adventuwonderfulOOpaxtrich 


•  •  ,«  • 


HOW'S     THE     YALLER     FEVER    TUYARK,       NOW? 

p.  217 


•  *  «    *  •  •  •      •    • 


WONDERFUL    ADVENTURES 

•  ■        '         .  OF 

CAPTAIN    PRIEST 

OF  BUT  FEW  INCIDENTS,  AND  NO  PLOT  IN  PARTICULAR 

WITH  OTHER  LEGENDS 

.       ^-  ^     '  BY   THE   AUTHOR    OF 

«*A    STRAY   YANKEE   IN   TEXAS." 
^S^L-p^rUjtti  CC^tA^^?^vJ     tAAJ^^n^^j-^ti- /  L 


REDFIELD, 

110  AND   112  NASSAU-STREET,   NEW   YORK. 
1855. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1855,  ty 

J.    S.    REDFIELD, 

[n  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States,  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New  York. 


; 


PKEFACE 


To  combine  amusement  with  instruction,  is  said 
to  be  the  legitimate  province  of  the  writer  of 
fiction,  but  the  Author  regrets  to  announce  that 
in  the  hurry  of  preparing  his  volume  for  the 
press,  the  instructive  portion  was  entirely  for- 
gotten until  too  late  for  this  edition ;  in  fact, 
only  thought  of  after  the  plate  proofs  were 
placed  in  his  hand  for  final  a  revision. 

Then,  oppressed  by  conscience,  and  a  sense  of 
his  dereliction  from  duty,  he  rushed  to  the  pub- 
lisher, and  besought-  the  latter's  concurrence  in 
the  only  plan  that  seemed  feasible  in  the  prem- 
ises— to  bind  up  with  each  copy,  a  popular 
treatise  upon  Geography,  Grammar,  or  Ortho- 
graphy ;    but,   alas !    the  covers  for  the   present 


IV  PREFACE. 


edition  were  already  prepared,  and  it  j^roved  too 
late  even  for  this.  Each  proprietor  of  this  work 
is,  however,  at  perfect  liberty  to  send  to  the 
publisher,  for  an  instructive  volume  of  the  kind 
above  mentioned,  if  he  chooses. 

Among  the  trifles  that  constitute  the  latter 
portion  of  this  work,  the  general  reader  may 
occasionally  recognize  an  old  friend. 

In  defence,  the  Author  would  say  that,  as 
some  of  these  light  affairs  have  flown  so  widely, 
and  rested  upon  so  many  strange  trees,  he 
thinks  they — like  curses  and  chickens — had  bet- 
ter come  home  to  roost. 

The  Author  cannot  close  without  returning 
his  grateful  thanks  to  his  friends  of  the  Press, 
for  the  great  kindness  with  which  they  have 
hitherto  treated 

A  Stkay  Yankee  in  Texas. 


CONTENTS. 

/ 
^ 

ADVENTURES  OF  CAPTAIN  PRIEST. 

PAGE 

Pkkface,    -, ---iii 

CHAPTER  I 
Long  Island  Philologically  Consideeed,  -        -        -        9 

CHAPTER  II. 
The  Bay, 13 

CHAPTER  III. 
Captain  Job, 18 

CHAPTER  IV. 
The  Sally  Ann,  and  hee  Ceew,     -----        25 

CHAPTER  V. 
De  Omnibus  Rebus,  -        -        -        -     *  -        -        -        30 

CHAPTER  VI. 
Et  Quibusdam  Alhs,  Including   the  Histoey   of   Colonel 

Jenkins,  and  the  Nuptials  of  Captain  Job,      -        -        86 

CHAPTER  VII. 
Captain  Job's  "Women  Folks, 42 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
Haeey  Flint, 47 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Captain  Job  is  "  In  foe  it  "  at  Last,      -        -        -        -        62 

CHAPTER  X. 

CONCEENING   THE   INCONVENIENCES    OF     BEING   ToO   "  SmAET  " 

Diagnosis  of  the  Alabama  Gentleaian's  Case  and  the      "" 
Oystee-Cuee — An  Episode,        -        -        -        -        -        59 


J^ 


VI  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XI.  PAGE 

The  "  BuAG  "  City,  and  a  Queer  Cupid,  -        -        -         66 

CHAPTER  XII. 
The    Very   Deuce    to   Pay — Job    Proposes    to    the  Maid, 

BUT  Salutes  the  Widow,  -         -         -        -         -         13 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
Which  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  History,  but  contains 
AN  Account  of  the  Irish  Hungarian  and  the  Wrong 

Bell, 82 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
A  Chapter  of  Accidents,  -  -         -         -         -         90 

CHAPTER  XY. 
A  Sporting  Chapter,  including  a  Race,  a  Swim,  and  also 

some  account  of  Job's  Pipe,  and  how  he  Enjoyed   it,     98 

CHAPTER  XVI. 
On  Day  Break  and  the  Hen  Fever,        -        -        -         -       105 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
In  which  Harry    is    Rescued  from  the  Pond,  and  goes  a 
Fishing  ;  also,  the  Author's    Personal  Adventure  in 

THE  Fishing  'Line. 112 

CHAPTER  XVIIL 
In  which   Job    Seeks  what  he   does  not  Find,  and  Finds 

what  he  does  not  Seek, 120 

CHAPTER  XIX. 
In   which  Job  Makes   his  Will,  and  his  Crew   take   an 

Involuntary  Plunge-Bath,         -        -      .  -        -         -       129 

CHAPTER  XX. 
From  Codfish  to  Alligator-Gar, 139 

CHAPTER  XXL 
TuRTLiNG  ;  from  Mud  Turtles  to  Turtle-Doves,     -        -       148 

CHAPTER  XXII. 
In  which  Job  Makes  a  Wonderful  Discovery,      -        -      168 


CONTENTS.  Vll 

CHAPTER  XXIII.  PAGE 

Off  at  Last,  and  with  one  Hand  on  Board,  not  down  in 

THB  Shipping  Papers,        -        -        -        -        -        -       1 67 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 
A    I^EW  "  Road    to    Boston  " — Pete    Obeys    Orders,  and 

Plays  the  very  D — l, 175 

CHAPTER  XXV. 
The  Evaline  Forsakes  her  Companion. — Job  Afloat,  like 

A  Bear  in  a  Wash-Tub, 185 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 
The  End  of  the  Tale, 192 


LEGENDS  OF  CITY  AND  COUNTRY. 

LEGEND  THE  FIRST. 
How  I  Spoiled  my   Complexion — a  Legend  of   the 

Country, 203 

LEGEND  THE  SECOND, 
Captain  Brown's  Cigars— a  Legend  of  South-Street,    -      229 

LEGEND  THE  THIRD. 
M.    Hypolite's    Single    Adventure — a  Legend    of    Front- 
Street,       236 

LEGEND  THE  FOURTH 
How  to  Get  Out  of  a  Corner — a  Legend  of  Wall-St.,       244 

LEGEND  THE  FIFTH. 
The  Great  Tautog — a  Legend  of  Long  Island,      -        -       253 

LEGEND  THE  SIXTH. 

The    Soldier    and    the    Host — a    Legend    of  the  Middle 

Ages, -       263 

LEGEND  THE  SEVENTH.  , 

Mrs.  Miller's  Snuff — a  Legend  of  Mount  Olympus,      -      267 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 

MIDSUMMER  CHAPTERS. 

CHAPTER  I  PAGE 

A  Chapter  on  Names,               - 271 

CHAPTER  II. 

A  Musical  Language, 277 

CHAPTER  HI. 

A  New  Theouy  of  Quotations, 286 

CHAPTER  IV. 
A  Chapter  on  Navigation, 291 

CHAPTER  V. 
Letter  from  a  Poor  Body  in  Distress,  -         -         -       294 

CHAPTER  VL 
Wet  Nurses  to  Order — a  Fragment.      -        -        -        -       298 

CHAPTER  VIL 
An  Intercepted  Letter  (Found  upon  the  Battery),      -       300 

CHAPTER  VIIL 
Serious    Complaint   against    "Wit  and   Humor,  (an  Inter- 
cepted  Letter  evidently  intended  for  Publication),     303 
CHAPTER   IX. 
Astronomy  v?"ith  Terrestrial  Applications,       *-       -        -     310 

CHAPTER  X. 
A  Short  Treatise  upon  Mythology,      -  "*•  '     -         -       315 

CHAPTER  XL 
Hints  on  Ornithology, 318 

CHAPTER  XIL 
On  the  Vegetable  Kingdom. 820 

CHAPTER  Xin. 
Serious  Thoughts  upon  Mother  Goose's  Melodies,        -      323 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
Squizzletorius  in  Pumpkin-pie-dom — A   Fragment  after 

Caelyle, 330 

CHAPTER  XV. 
Quattlebum, 884 


ADVENTURES  OF  CAPTAIN  PRIEST. 

CHAPTEE  I. 

LONG   ISLAND   PHILOLOGICALLY   CONSIDERED. 

There  is  a  certain  terrene  portion  of  the  United 
States  of  America  known  upon  the  map  as  Long 
Island,  and  to  sundry  citizens  of  Gotham,  who,  to 
avoid  the  devastating  heat,  supposed  to  lay  waste 
the  city  during  the  reign  of  Canis  Major,  fly  to 
those  equally  intense,  and  far  more  imavoidable — 
as  the  Island. 

The  more  philosophic  of  the  visitors,  and  the 
few  natives  who  happen  to  be  wide  awake  and 
possessed  of  thinking  faculties,  designate  it  usually 
as  "  Sleepy  Long  Island." 

Why  it  should  be  called  an  island,  anybody 
owning  the  usual  quantum  of  brains  can  discover 
at  a  glance,  since  it  fully  realizes  Mr.  Morse's  idea 
of  one,    viz.    "  a  body  of   land  surrounded  by 


Ifi      LONCi   |t&^;4l^  ■  PIIILOLOGICALLY    CONSIDERED. 

.fea.ter  ;/^  •  biit  'wJ^'^itis  called  Long  Island,  to  the 
prejudice  of  sundry  and  divers  other  narrow  strips 
of  earth  similarly  circumstanced,  is  a  matter  not 
so  easily  to  be  comprehended.  Many  an  island  is 
longer  ;  nay,  many  a  one  possesses  a  greater  length 
in  proportion  to  its  breadth. 

As  this  is  a  subject  that  hitherto  has  never  been 
fairly  broached,  or  brought  before  the  public,  the 
writer  feels  no  little  delicacy,  and  perhaps  some 
excusable  pride  in  advancing  his  opinions  upon  it ; 
opinions  the  truth  of  which  a  minute  study  of  the 
Island  itself,  and  of  the  manners,  customs,  and 
modes  of  life  of  its  inhabitants,  has  convinced  him. 

Length  is  its  internal  peculiarity,  as  well-  as  ex- 
ternal characteristic ;  everything  in  it  is  long — the 
men  eat  long,  drink  long,  and  sleej)  long;  the 
stages,  before  the  innovations  of  the  railroad,  were 
universally  known  as  Long  Island  rope-walks,  and 
performed  long  journeys  with  long-winded  horses^ 
terminating — not  journeys,  but  horses — in  long 
tails.  They  carried  long  lists  of  long-legged  pas- 
sengers, generally  from  twenty  to  thirty — not  in 
age  but  in  number — who  longed  to  be  at  their 
journey's  end  long  before  they  arrived  there. 

The  news  of  the  day  is  a  long  time  indeed  in 
travelling  down  upon  Long  Island.  "  A  great  fire 
in  'New  York,  and  a  great  loss  of  life,"  as  the 
newsboy  hath  it ;  a  steamboat  disaster  or  railroad 


SOFT   CLAMS   WELL   EMPLOYED.  11 

collision,  and  nobody  to  blame ;  the  elopement  of 
Mrs.  So-and-so  with  her  husband's  dear  friend,  or 
of  Miss  WhatVher-name  with  her  father's  foot- 
man ;  the  demise  of  Smith  Brown,  Esq.,  the  emi- 
nent and  w^ealthy  butcher,  or  the  birth  of  anot4ier 
Victorian  juvenile,  under  the  conjoined  auspices  of 
Locock  and  Lilly,  and  other  equally  important 
and  pleasing  items,  are  telegraphed  to  JSTew  Or- 
leans and  St.  Louis,  and  forwarded  by  express 
half  way  to  Mexico  or  Santa  Fe  del  Norte,  long 
ere  the  people  of  Sleepy  Long  Island  rub  their 
eyes,  until  a  state  of  semi- wakefulness  being  at- 
tained, they  slowly  open  and  prick  up  their  ears 
to  drink  in  the — to  them — fresh  intelligence. 

If  the  Long  Islanders  have  any  prominent  and 
peculiar  idiosyncrasy,  it  is  the  saltiness  of  their 
habits  ;  nor  is  it  singular  that  this  should  be  the 
case.  Breathing  from  earliest  infancy  an  air,  im- 
pregnated with  saline  exhalations,  they  naturally 
turn  their  attention  to  the  ocean  and  its  products. 
It  is  said,  and  I  see  no  reason  for  doubting  it,  that 
the  protruding  neck  of  a  soft-shelled  clam  is  as 
efficient  an  agent  in  quieting  the  yells  of  an  infan- 
tile and  refractory  Long  Islander,  as  ever  was  the 
bit  of  rag  crammed  w4th  brown  sugar,  with  which 
ordinary  nurses  are  wont  to  fill  the  mouths,  and 
still  the  troubled  bosoms  of  more  inland  urchins, 
when  the  results  of  a  slap  on  the  slj  may  have 


12       LONG   ISLAND    PHILOLOGICALLY    CONSIDERED. 

compelled  the  attendants  to  stop  the  repeated 
squalls,  and  perchance  lie  too,  as  to  the  cause  of 
them. 

The  Long  Islander,  therefore,  from  the  first, 
takes  to  the  water  as  naturally  as  a  spaniel ;  he 
digs  long  clams  with  long-handled  hoes,  fishes  up 
oysters  with  long-handled  rakes,  shoots  ducks  at 
long  distances  with  preposterously  long  guns  ;  cuts 
long  salt  grass  for  his  long-tailed  horses  and 
longer-eared  mules;  catches  fish  to  manure  his 
fields  with  long  seines  ;  perchance  ships  for  a  voy- 
age, but  it  is  always  a  long  one  after  whales ;  and 
after  a  long  life  is  carried  to  his  long  home  in  a 
long  two-horse  wagon,  followed  by  a  long  con- 
course of  friends  and  neighbors. 

If  I  have  not  proved  to  the  satisfaction  of  the 
reader  that  the  term  Long  Island  was  worthily  be- 
stowed, I  have  at  least  to  my  own,  which,  under 
the  circumstances,  is  some  consolation. 


CHAPTER  II. 

THE   BAY. 

On  the  northern  shore  of  Long  Island,  an  off- 
shoot or  arm  of  the  great  Sound  has  deserted  the 
main  water,  and  forced  its  way  far  into  the  land, 
boldly  and  broadly  at  first,  but  perchance  finding 
it  had  fallen  upon  a  pleasant  home,  or  it  may  be, 
fearing  a  sudden  recall,  and  thinking  that  out  of 
sight  would  be  out  of  mind,  it  soon  turned  a  short 
corner,  and  crept  quietly  away  miles  inland. 

Although  now  snugly  hidden,  its  pulse  still 
beats  responsive  to  the  parental  throes,  and  though 
rushing  lustily  in  now  and  again,  as  if  it  were 
about  to  march  bodily  over  the  land,  and  return 
by  the  shortest  cut  to  repose  once  more  upon  the 
ever-yearning  bosom  of  its  grandmother,  the 
Ocean,  its  strength  is  soon  exhausted,  arid  at  the 
word  of  command,  the  vagrant  creeps  quietly  and 
timidly  back  again,  like  a  dog  with  a  depressed 
termination,  to  an  ofiended  and  deserted  master. 

This  endless  coming  in  and  going  out  of   so 


14  THE   BAY. 

great  a  body  of  water  is  a  mine  of  wealth  to  the 
dwellers  uiDon  its  shores,  and  in  many  ways  do 
they  reap  great  advantages  from  the  restless  ac- 
tivity of  the  Bay. 

The  young  flood  makes  his  appearance  gallantly 
garlanded  with  gay  wreaths  of  algge,  as  for  a  nup- 
tial feast,  and  with  impetuous  ardor  embraces  his 
bride,  the  shore ;  then,  heartless  Lothario  that  he 
is,  troops  off  again,  leaving  her  a  true  grass  widow 
bedecked  with  weeds — weeds  that  are  hastily 
gathered  by  the  neighboring  farmers,  and  thrown 
up  into  vast  heaps  to  be  converted  in  the  great 
laboratory  of  Nature  into  oats  and  corn,  wheat 
and  rye.  Then  great  shoals  of  inquisitive  and  ra- 
pacious fish  flock  in  to  pay  a  passing  call,  and 
A^ery  often  fail  to  make  their  w^ay  out  again,  but 
find  themselves  promoted  ere  long  to  a  situation 
upon  a  corn-hill ;  and  evidently  displeased  at  the 
scaly  trick,  announce,  in  very  plain  English  in- 
deed, that  "  the  oflence  is  rank,  it  smells  to  hea- 
ven." The  breezes  of  balmy  morn,  and  the  zephyrs 
of  dewy  eve,  acting  as  general  postmen,  carry 
their  plaints  far  and  near,  and  every  breath  of  air 
is  redolent  with  anything  but  Sabsean  odors.  If 
this  agent  of  fertilization  is  more  peculiarly  appli- 
cable to  one  plant  than  to  another,  we  should  give 
the  palm  to  "  summer  savory,"  although  an  Ori- 
ental friend  once  sagely  remarked  that  it  smelt 


THE    Ur   TIDE   TIED    UP.  15 

like  "  thyme."  The  men  do  not  mind  it  much, 
but  I  attribute  the  petit  nez  retrousse^  so  peculiar 
to  Long  Island  belles,  entirely  to  the  wonderful 
airs  these  fish  give  themselves  upon  their  appoint- 
ment to  agricultural  situations.  The  exodus  of  the 
water  also  discloses  great  mines  of  oysters,  clams, 
and  scollops,  for  human  consumption,  and  quanti- 
ties of  muscles,  horsefeet,  and  fiddlers  for  porcine 
palates.  Sometimes  even  this  very  inconstant  dis- 
position of  the  tide  is,  by  the  cunning  of  man, 
seized  upon  and  made  to  promote  his  ends  in  an 
extremely  base  and  mechanical  manner. 

When  a  small  body  has  straggled  off  from  the 
main  array,  and  is  established  temporarily  in  a 
snug  quarter,  it  often  finds  itself  suddenly  impris- 
oned and  locked  up,  totally  incapable  of  joining 
in  the  general  retreat  that  has  been  sounded,  and 
only  able  to  escape  by  working  a  passage,  and  pay- 
ing the  miller  an  outside  toll  in  turning  his 
wheel. 

Another  and  more  important  service  yet,  is  the 
facility  which  it  affords  the  small  vessels  of  the 
Bay  to  discharge  their  cargoes  of  various  kinds  of 
manure,  offal,  and  garbage,  brought  from  the 
great  city,  to  be  here  converted  into  grain,  then 
into  flour,  pork,  or  beef,  and  then  again  returned, 
transmuted    into   red   gold    or  pallid    silver ; — 


16  THE   BAY. 

"  promises-to-pay  "  upon  paper  not  being  much 
regarded  by  tbe  matter-of-fact  Long  Islander. 

Docks  are  superseded,  and  every  proprietor  of 
a  modern  Argo  brings  her  to  an  anchor  at  high 
tide  opposite  his  farm ;  and  when  the  water  has 
receded,  drives  up  his  wagon  to  her,  heeled  down 
as  she  is,  and  succeeds  without  difficulty  in  trans- 
ferring her  cargo  to  the  shore. 

It  is  a  curious,  although  not  very  romantic  sight, 
at  low  tide,  this  Bay  that  I  am  describing,  with 
its  wide-spread  mud  flats  black  as  Erebus,  its  shores 
covered  with  sea-weed,  and  its  disconsolate  clams 
throwing  up  tiny  jets  d^eau — briny  tears,  superin- 
duced by  their  desolate  and  widowed  condition — 
whole  armies  of  fiddlers,  uterque  jparatus^  carrying 
aloft  their  one  preposterously  huge  claw,  a  formi- 
dable weapon  for  its  size ;  and  last,  but  not  least, 
the  stranded  fleet  of  black-hulled,  keeled-over 
vessels,  exceedingly  ugly,  and  not  over-cleanly 
guardian  angels  of  the  soil. 

Look  again  upon  the  same  spot  a  few  hours 
after. 

The  tide  is  in,  and  countless  gulls  and  water- 
fowl have  accompanied  it,  screaming  out  an  lo 
PcBan  to  its  progress ;  the  tiny  waves  are  playfully 
curling  and  creaming  upon  the  glistening  shingle  ; 
the  flats  now  exhibit  a  rich  field  of  darkly-green 
grass,  nodding  a  graceful  welcome  to  each  succes- 


A   CHANGE   FOR   THE   BETTER.  17 

sive  ripple ;  the  once  unseemly  vessels  are  riding 
gallantly  at  their  anchors,  their  black  hulls  nearly 
concealed,  their  decks  and  sides  washed  off,  and 
the  green  on  the  latter  visible  ;  the  burnt-powder 
effluvia  of  marsh-mud  is  banished,  and  replaced 
by  the  pure  and  exhilarating  breath  of  the  sea. 
The  lusty  old  trees  upon  the  shore  bend  down  ap- 
provingly over  the  waves  that  wash  their  very 
feet ;  and  the  reflections  of  their  broad  leafy  tops 
impart  a  deeper  tint  to  the  water,  shadowing  forth 
submarine  groves  upon  its  surface.  A  few  neat 
white  cottages  are  scattered  here  and  there  ;  fields 
of  mighty  corn  are  standing  in  bold  relief  upon 
the  hill-sides ;  white  sails  are  visible  entering  or 
leaving  the  port ;  the  rough  but  cheery  shout  or 
song  of  the  fishermen,  and  the  stroke  of  their  oars, 
echo  across  the  Bay  ;  and  let  there  hang  over  this 
bright  scene  a  delicate  misty  veil,  such  as  young 
summer  and  early  autumn  love  to  cast  over  their 
brightest  and  fairest  pictures,  making  everything 
seem  gentle  and  quiet,  the  fiery  sun  himself  look 
large  and  jovial  and  benignant,  throwing  a  dreamy 
haze  over  all  animate  and  inanimate  nature  ;  and 
you  have  a  fair,  but  not  overstrained  view  of  the 
Bay  on  the  eventful  afternoon  of  the  10th  June, 
183- ;  as  pretty  and  heart- warming  a  sight  as  you 
would  wish  to  meet  with  in  that  very  indefinite, 
space  of  time,  a  month  of  Sundays. 


CHAPEK  III. 

CAPTAIN   JOB. 

Having  wasted  suflScient  ink  in  describing  the 
Bay,  it  is  quite  time  to  give  it  a  name.  Its  true 
designation,  for  certain  reasons,  shall  be  concealed, 
although  the  title  it  then  bore  may  very  likely 
have  been  changed  long  ere  this  ;  for  Long  Island- 
ers of  late  years,  beset  by  the  demon  of  change, 
dropping  the  time-honored  appellations  of  Bays 
and  Tillages,  have  sought  to  bring  the  latter  into 
notice  among  summer-migrating  and  money-spend- 
ing citizens,  by  enticing  and  romantic  names. 

"  Musquito  '*  has,  for  instance,  been  promoted 
to  "  Glen  Cove  ^"  why,  it  would  be  hard  to  deter- 
mine, since  glens  there  are  not,  and  musquitoes 
there  are,  as  many  a  musquito-bitten  cove  from 
New  York — title-seduced — can  testify,  and  also  to 
the  fact  of  having  been  bitten  in  more  ways  than 
one.  Cow  Bay  has  in  like  manner  lost  its  bucolic 
interest,  and  now  figures  as  Manh asset.  There  is 
no  telling  where  the  spirit  of  innovation  will  stop  ; 
it  may  even  go  to  Jericho. 


CALLING    HARD   NAMES.  19 

Well,  small  blame  to  tliem  after  all,  for  such 
ail  agglomeration  of  names  no  other  land  can 
claim.  Jerusalem,  Babylon,  and  Jericho  ;  Yap- 
hank,  Punk's  Hole,  and  Mount  Misery ;  Hard- 
scrabble,  Shinnicock,  Mettinicock,  and  Quag ; 
Great  Keck  and  Little  Neck,  Horse  Neck  and 
Cow  Neck,  Fireplace  and  Fire  Islands,  Cutchogue, 
Mattituck  and  Poosepatuck,  Turkey-ville,  and 
Wolver-hoUow,  Quannontowunk,  Rankonkama, 
Rankhonganock,  and  Manhausackahaquashurrwar- 
nock  ^  *  *  *  * 

leaving  ruined  my  best  gold  pen  in  the  last 
effoW,  I  think  it  time  to  close  the  catalogue,  in- 
forming my  readers,  en  passant^  that  our  Bay  is 
known  as  Bay  Harbor,  which  name  also  apper- 
tains to  the  very  pretty  village  at  its  head. 

The  Bay  forks  near  the  head,  and  upon  an  ele- 
vated promontory  between  the  prongs,  that  com- 
mands a  fine  view  of  the  entire  Bay  and  the 
Sound,  partly  lost  amid  a  grove  of  fine  old  trees, 
half  hidden  by  a  luxuriant  growth  of  eglantine 
and  Multiflora  rose,  peeps  out  a  small  white  cot- 
tage. Its  proprietor  is  Captain  Priest,  ordinarily 
known  and  addressed  as  Captain  Job  ;  its  inmates, 
the  redoubtable  sailor  himself  when  at  home,  his 
daughter  Mary,  her  maiden  aunt  Keziah,  and  a 
burly  Irishman,  caught  very  green  by  Captain  Job, 
but  now  being  duly  seasoned,  a  very  stalwart, 


20  CAPTAIN   JOB. 

good-natured,  and  blundering  laborer  upon  the 
farm. 

When  Captain  Priest's  parents  named  him  Job, 
they  certainly  made  a  job  of  it,  unless,  gifted  with 
prescience  of  his  future  character,  they  did  it  upon 
the  "  luGus  a  non  lucendo  "  principle — the  princi- 
ple upon  which  I  presume  it  is  that  steamboat 
captains  cry  out  pleno  ore^  "  all  ashore  that's 
a-going ;"  meaning  exactly  the  reverse,  or  that 
canal  pilots  order  all  hands  to  "  look  out,"  when 
they  mean  them  to  keep  in,  or  that  the  mason 
shouts  "  stand  under,"  which,  if  any  one  obeyed, 
would  render  him  a  prominent  candidate  for  a 
shutter  ride  to  the  hospital.  Job — he  is  yet  per- 
sonally in  the  present  tense — was  certainly  born 
in  the  imperative  mood,  and  when  he  says  "  I 
will,"  king  nor  kaiser,  nor  Alter  Ego  could  make 
him  alter  his  "  I,"  give  it  a  shade  less  of  emphasis, 
or  abate  his  "  will." 

The  only  two  persons  who  have,  or  rather  had 
any  influence  upon  him,  were  Aunt  Keziah  and 
his  daughter  Mary.  This  influence  in  the  former 
case  was  direct,  and  in  the  latter  inverse.  Keziah 
"  candied  "  him  fearfully ;  but  Mary,  when  her 
end  was  not  to  be  obtained  by  coaxing,  had 
enough  of  woman's  cunning  to  employ  the  same 
artifice  that  is  practised  to  get  mules  and  pigs  to 
market ;  pull  him  the  way  she  did  not  want  him 


NEW   SYSTEM   OF  BOOK-KEEPING.  21 

to  go,  and  off  he  would  march  per  contra.  From 
all  this  it  will  be  perceived,  that  our  friend  Job 
was  what  is  vulgarly  known  as  a  pig-headed  man ; 
nay,  he  was  not  only  pig-headed,  but  exceedingly 
passionate.  The  original  Job  was  all  over  boils, 
but  our  specimen  boils  all  over — with  rage — at 
least  twenty-four  times  in  every  twenty-four  hours. 
It  could  scarcely  be  said  with  propriety  that  his 
education  had  been  neglected,  for  he  had  received 
none  to  neglect.  He  could  neither  read  nor  could 
he  write ;  and  what  would  have  been  very  singu- 
lar in  any  other  less  singular  being,  he  was  singu- 
larly proud  of  the  want  of  knowledge  usually 
deemed  of  such  importance.  Job  considered  it 
as  proof  of  his  exceeding  cleverness  that  he  had 
got  on  so  well  in  the  world,  despite  his  deficien- 
cies. As  he  had  many  commissions  to  perform 
in  the  city,  and  also  sold  there  for  account  of 
whom  it  might  concern,  vast  quantities  of  poultry 
and  countiy  meats,  mountains  of  oysters  and 
clams,  and  great  loads  of  hay  and  grain,  it  became 
necessary  for  him  to  keep  some  account  of  his  va- 
rious transactions ;  and  accordingly  he  employed 
a  system  of  hieroglyphics  peculiarly  his  own, 
which,  however,  would  have  puzzled  Champollion 
himself.  Dollars  he  designated  by  a  large  cypher, 
shillings  by  smaller  ones,  and  the  copper  medal- 


22  •  CAPTAIN    JOB. 

lions  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  figured  only  as  so 
many  marks. 

His  customers  were  represented  by  some  leading 
characteristic,  mental,  physical,  or  professional. 
A  saw  stood  for  his  friend  the  carpenter,  a  most 
emphatic  nose  for  one  of  his  customers^ — a  second 
ISTaso — and  something  like  a  clenched  fist  was  sup- 
posed to  represent  a  particularly  pugnacious  indi- 
vidual who  dealt  in  clams. 

The  articles  that  he  bought  or  sold  were  entered 
in  a  like  manner,  and  when  Mary  was  at  home  to 
take  down  his  rude  accounts  in  a  more  e very-day 
manner,  while  they  were  yet  fresh  in  his  mind,  all 
went  well  enough ;  but  if  she  happened  to  be  ab- 
sent on  his  return,  and  the  transactions  of  another 
voyage  had  driven  those  of  the  previous  out  of 
his  head,  sometimes  ludicrous  blunders  would 
occur.  A  man  was  once  charged  by  him  for  the 
purchase  of  a  couple  of  hoes  and  a  rake,  which 
he  stoutly  denied,  and  Job's  litigious  spirit  would 
have  soon  involved  the  aflPair  in  the  entanglements 
of  the  law,  if  the  creditor's  wife  had  not  suggested 
that  she  had  received  two  pipes  and  a  long  comb 
about  the  time,  and  that  these  might  possibly  be 
the  articles  charged.  So  it  proved  to  be,  and  Job, 
for  once  in  his  life,  was  forced  to  submit. 

In  person,  Captain  Job  was  a  short,  stubb}", 
thick-set  little   fellow,  with    a    dried-apple  face. 


job's  personal  peculiarities.  23 

tanned  and  stained  by  the  combined  effects  of 
sun,  wind,  and  the  manure  atmosphere  in  which 
a  great  part  of  his  life  had  been  spent,  until  he 
looked  something  like  an  ex-sarcophagus'd  mum- 
my. His  color  was  a  mixture  of  brown  and  yel- 
low— orange  tawny  perhaps — with  a  slight  tinge 
of  brick-red  upon  the  extreme  verge  and  outskirts 
of  his  face,  which  roseate  hue  increased  in  radi- 
ance as  it  approached  the  centre — his  nose — and 
upon  the  point  of  this  Ultima  Thule  of  the  facial 
globe,  it  blazed  out  with  intense  ferocity. 

Some  attributed  this  to  the  effects  of  a  too  gen- 
erous liquid  diet,  others  to  the  great  proximity 
which  this  organ  usually  enjoyed  to  a  very  short 
and  uncommonly  busy  pipe,  while  the  Captain 
himself  gave  the  exposures  incident  to  his  profes- 
sion the  whole  credit  of  it.  Whatever  was  the 
cause,  the  nose  seemed  to  be  quite  ashamed  of  the 
result,  and  endeavored  to  get  rid  of  the  color  by 
continually  shedding  its  skin.  In  fact,  it  was  al- 
ways on  the  peel,  and  no  doubt  the  owner  of  it 
would  have  been  mistaken  in  Ireland  for  a  Peeler. 

His  eyes  were  small,  black,  and  at  times  spar- 
kled like  frost  gems  in  the  clear  cold  moonlight. 
A  shock  head  of  curly  brown  hair,  a  mouth 
whose  outer  edges  were  lost  in  a  pair  of  bushy 
w^hiskers,  giving  one  the  idea  of  a  great  gulf 
hidden  away  in  the  woods  and  but  a  small  portion 


24  CAPTAIN    JOB. 

of  it  visible,  short  sturdy  arms  with  something 
like  a  Imnp  of  mud  at  their  end,  and  legs  and 
feet  to  match,  completed  the  man. 

His  dress  was  invariably  a  sailor's  jacket  of 
blue  cloth  and  buttons  that  had  once  been  gilt, 
vest  ditto,  and  a  collar  open,  leaving  his  throat 
bare.  As  for  the  covering  of  his  nether  man 
there  was  nothing  singular  about  it,  saving  that 
his  terminations  terminated  invariably  within  the 
confines  of  a  pair  of  pot-metal  boots. 


CHAPTEE  lY. 

THE    "  SALLY  ANn"   AND   HEU   CKEW. 

Let  us  stand  for  a  moment  in  front  of  Captain 
Job's  cottage  and  look  forth  upon  the  Bay.  Imme- 
diately before  us  is  a  small  sloop-rigged  vessel, 
riding  gracefully  at  her  anchor,  and  as  the  wind 
is  off  shore  and  the  tide  setting  out,  she  bows 
slowly  and  regularly  to  us,  as  if  proud  of  our 
notice.  You  perceive  that  her  appearance  is 
somewhat  superior  to  that  of  her  sister  craft 
moored  about  the  Bay,  that  her  sides  are  newly 
painted  green  with  a  white  stripe,  and  her  mast 
is  quite  lofty  for  so  small  a  boat.  See  how  sharp 
she  is,  and  what  a  clean  run  she  has  ;  she  evidently 
carries  no  dead  water  to  check  her  j^rogress.  From 
the  topmast  an  unusually  large  swallow-tail  is 
streaming  out  upon  the  breeze,  and  upon  the 
strip  of  red  bunting  appear  certain  lettei-s  in 
white.  Had  we  a  glass  we  could  read  her  name. 
It  is  the  "  Sally  Ann." 

She  seems  almost  beneath  us,  and  we  can  see 
that  her  decks  have  been  lately  w^ashed  off  quite 


26  THE    "sally   ANN      AND   HER   CREW. 

clean,  altliongli  their  reddish  hue  shows  plainly 
that  she  has  carried  bricks  upon  them. 

You  will  perhaps  think  her  almost  new,  and 
that  she  has  never  been  degraded  by  anything  of 
a  meaner  nature  than  bricks  or  lumber.  Not  a 
bit  of  it ;  she  has  carried  Captain  Job  and  his  for- 
tunes for  twenty  years,  and  has  done  her  share 
towards  improving  the  soil. 

If  the  one  who  makes  two  blades  of  grass  to 
grow  where  but  one  did  before,  be  a  benefactor 
to  the  human  race,  it  is  difficult  to  estimate  the 
high  position  that  the  "  Sally  Ann"  should  occupy. 

When  her  last  voyage  shall  have  been  made, 
and  her  weary  old  bones  shall  be  bleaching  upon 
the  strand,  then  should  snuff-boxes — ^highly  scented 
indeed — be  formed  of  her  planking,  and  canes  be 
fashioned  from  her  timbers,  to  be  given  as  tokens 
of  high  reward  to  agricultural  gentlemen  who 
may  have  produced  pigs  of  peculiar  pinguidity, 
oxen  outrageously  oleaginous,  pumpkins  preposter- 
ously ponderous,  or  cabbages  of  colossal  circumfer- 
ence. 

Job  has  lately  obtained  a  contract  to  transport 
brick  to  the  city  and  bring  back  lumber ;  and 
henceforth  nothing  more  vulgar  than  ashes  is  to 
burden  the  "  Sally  Ann."  She  has  been  repaired 
and  repainted  upon  the  occasion,  and  looks  as 
fresh  and  as  saucy  as  when  for  the  first  time,  with 


THE   MATE.  27 

an  impetuous  rusli,  she  threw  herself  upon  the 
bosom  of  the  Bay,  the  water's  bride,  to  swim  or 
to  sink,  to  be  gently  caressed  in  fair  weather  and 
buffeted  in  foul. 

It  is  said  that  every  portion  of  the  human  sys- 
tem undergoes  a  change,  decays,  departs,  and  is 
replaced  in  a  certain  number  of  years.  Such  has 
been  the  case  with  the  sloop,  and  she  has  been 
overhauled  and  spliced,  stripped  and  sheathed, 
new  sparred  and  new  rigged,  until  in  fact,  from 
truck  to  kelson,  from  cut- water  to  stern-post, 
scarcely  a  bit  of  the  original  Sally  Ann  remains. 

Upon  the  deck  you  see  her  crew.  They  are  not 
very  numerous,  and  as  we  are  about  to  be  fellow- 
sailors  upon  a  momentous  voyage,  permit  me  to 
introduce  them. 

That  long-armed  and  long-legged  personage 
with  bare-feet,  without  coat  or  vest,  his  head 
crowned  by  a  round-topped  felt  hat,  is  the  mate, 
steward,  and  cook.  He  is  dabbling  a  line  in  the 
Abater  and  thinks  he  is  fishing.  That  is  a  peculi- 
arity of  his.  He  never  catches  any  thing,  but 
seems  to  live  in  hopes  that  his  time  will  come  at 
last,  and  employs  all  of  his  leisure  that  he  well 
can  in  the  recreation.  In  winter,  and  during  very 
severe  weather,  he  amuses  himself  with  furbishing 
up  his  tackle  and  making  new  lines. 

He  is  rather  shy  of  exhibiting  his  accomplish- 


28  THE    "  SALLY   ANn"    AND   HER   CREW. 

ments  in  this  line  before  Captain  Job,  because,  if 
caught  at  it,  he  is  pretty  sure  of  being  sent  on 
shore  to  dig  clams  if  the  tide  be  out,  and  if  it  be 
in,  the  keen  eyes  of  the  "  old  man"  are  certain  to 
detect  the  end  of  some  rope  that  needs  whipping 
or  knotting.  As  he  can  only  vary  his  amusement 
by  cuffing  his  companion,  perhaps  his  present 
occupation  is  laudable,  and  moreover  he  may  be 
of  a  deeply  imaginative  and  poetic  temperament, 
and  is  stealthily  revelling  in  the  halls  of  fancy 
while  we  only  think  him  wantonly  wasting  his 
time.  His  name  is  Pete  ;  he  has  never  had  any 
other  name,  and  does  not  know  exactly  how  he 
came  by  that,  as  there  are  no  proofs  of  his  having 
had  father  or  mother  to  bestow  it  upon  him.  He 
does  not  know  how  old  he  is,  but  has  been  with 
Job  and  the  "  Sally  Ann"  from  his  childhood,  and 
is  firmly  convinced  that  the  saucy  jade  would  re- 
fuse to  sail  without  him. 

The  other  occupant  of  the  deck  is  a  stout  boy. 
You  see  that  at  this  moment  he  is  standing  upon 
his  head.  That  something  white,  which  is  flutter- 
ing in  the  breeze  from  his  midships,  is  not  a  swal- 
low-tail, but  merely  a  bit  of  linen  which  under 
such  circumstances  is  known  to  our  gamins  as  "  a 
letter  in  the  post-office."  His  name  is  Dick,  and 
he  is  addicted  to  both  of  these  peculiarities.  Cap- 
tain Job  has  threatened,  sworn  at,  and  thrashed 
him  for  them,  but  it's  no  manner  of  use. 


SINGULAR    RELATIONSHIP.  29 

Dick  will  stand  upon  his  head,  and  keep  up  a 
thorough  ventilation.  The  captain  has  talked  of 
leather  breeches  and  a  sheet-iron  seat,  but  know- 
ing Dick  as  he  does,  is  fearful  of  throwing  his 
money  away,  and  has  besides  some  obscure  dread 
of  a  bursted  boiler. 

Dick  has  two  other  amusements  ;  whistling  and 
making  little  Sally  Anns  with  a  bit  of  pine  and  a 
jack-knife  ;  these  he  performs  simultaneously,  and 
alternates  with  the  former.  As  he  never  whistles 
when  he  stands  upon  his  head,  this  mode  of  recre- 
ation is  preferred  by  the  mate,  who,  being  of  a 
quiet  contemplative  turn,  does  not  like  noise. 

Had  Mr.  Micawber  known  the  boy,  he  would 
have  been  delignted  with  the  sight  of  something 
turning  up  continually.  Dick  has  never  read  of 
Quilp's  boy,  "  Tom  Scott,"  and  is  no  imitator  of 
his,  but  has  taken  to  the  exei^cise  naturally,  as  if 
he  had  discovered  a  want  of  brain  in  its  proper 
place,  and  wished  to  induce  its  return  upon  philo- 
sophical and  physical  principles.  He  also  has 
never  been  blessed  with  a  father  ;  but  more  fortu- 
nate than  Pete,  finds  a  mother  in  his  aunt,  an  ex- 
ceedingly virtuous  and  acidulous  old  maid.  Such 
singular  phenomena  are  of  frequent  occurrence 
upon  the  Island. 

Dick  is  the  cabin  boy  and  all  hands. 


CHAPTER  Y. 

DE   OMNIBUS   KEBUS. 

Captain  Job  was  a  proud  man ;  lie  was  proud 
of  his  house,  proud  of  his  farm,  proud  of  his  suc- 
cess, very  proud  of  his  vessel,  immeasurably  proud 
of  his  daughter ;  and,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  the 
acme,  the  culmination,  the  crowning  point  of  all 
tliis  great  pyramid  of  pride,  was  his  daughter's 
aristocratic  descent. 

The  line  of  demarkation  between  the  patrician 
and  the  plebeian  is  nowhere  drawn  more  distinctly, 
clearly,  and  palpably,  than  upon  Long  Island. 
The  better  classes  are  especially  clannish,  and  deem 
no  family  or  name  equal  to  their  own.  They 
intermarry  among  their  kindred,  and  the  tribe 
increases  in  number  as  its  members  diminish  in 
size.  The  surest  proof  of  good  blood  among  them 
is  a  diminutive  person  and  dried-up  phiz. 

In  the  good  old  days,  the  ancestors  of  the 
present  race  had  been  very  unlike  these,  their 
quiet,  plodding  children.     Kot  a  few  had  filled 


THE   RAIL-EOAD   WAK.  31 

their  purses  with  British  gold,  and  it  is  both 
shrewdly  surmised  and  somewhat  broadly  hinted 
that  the  foundation  of  more  than  one  handsome 
estate  was  laid  simultaneously  with  the  keel  of 
some  sharp,  fast-sailing  privateer ;  nay,  there  are 
even  those  who  assert  that  many  of  these  letters 
of  marque  carried  no  letters  at  all,  but  more  a 
mark  of  any  flag  that  came  in  their  way. 

These  stirring  times  have  long  passed  by ;  every- 
thing and  everybody  has  settled  down  into  a  quiet 
jog-trot,  a  kind  of  living  dream,  from  which  they 
will  not  be  aroused ;  and  the  only  sign  of  vitality 
that  has  been  exhibited  for  years,  was  elicited  by 
the  attempt  to  wake  them  up  with  a  railroad. 
They  were  as  spiteful  about  it  as  a  man  would  be 
if  driven  from  his  bed  before  his  nap  is  half  fin- 
ished. They  tore  up  the  track,  placed  impedi- 
ments in  the  way  of  the  cars,  and  what  serious 
mischief  they  might  have  done  is  yet  unknown, 
had  not  the  unusual  fatigue  of  thinking  and  acting, 
so  overpowered  them  that  they  all  fell  to  sleep 
again,  quite  as  suddenly,  as  they  were  awakened. 

The  south-siders,  probably  owing  to  their  accus- 
tomed clam  diet,  were  particularly  clamorous, 
while  the  north-siders,  who  were  brought  up  upon 
oysters,  in  imitation  of  that  prudent  variety  of  the 
molluscse  family,  kept  very  close  indeed.  The 
east-enders  being  extensively  engaged  in  the  oil 


32  DE  OaiNIBUS   REBUS. 

trade,  talked  loudly  of  giving  the  company  gen- 
erally a  whaling ;  the  fishernaan  acted  as  if  in-sane 
themselves ;  and,  in  short,  never  was  there  so 
much  railing  about  a  road. 

Some  say  that  a  natural  dislike  to  disturb  the 
sleepers,  alone  saved  the  track  from  utter  destruc- 
tion ;  others  attribute  its  present  existence  to  the 
fear  of  a  certain  shrewd  president,  who  out-gen- 
eralled  them  at  every  turn.  My  opinion,  however, 
is,  as  expressed  above,  that  if  they  could  have 
kept  their  eyes  open  long  enough,  their  own  bulls, 
and  those  of  "Wall-street,  would  have  suffered  less 
than  they  have.   ■ 

The  president  that  I  have  just  mentioned,  was, 
as  I  once  heard  an  Islander  remark,  "  considerably 
ahead  of  their  time,"  and  an  instance  of  his  man- 
agement is  worth  recording.  When  Mr.  Blank 
assumed  the  presidential  control,  it  w^as  in  a  dark 
day  indeed.  Acres  of  woodland,  fields  of  grain, 
houses  and  barns  had  been  consumed  by  the  loco- 
motive sparks,  and  cattle  without  number  destroyed 
upon  the  track.  Demands  against  the  company 
and  impending  lawsuits  were  more  numerous  than 
agreeable.  One  day  a  farmer  made  his  appear- 
ance at  Mr.  Blank's  office.  He  was  the  champion 
of  his  neighborhood,  and  had  come  down  to 
enforce  payment  for  a  valuable  pair  of  oxen,  sud* 
denly  converted  into  jerked  beef  by  the  iron-horse. 


YOUR   BULL   AND    MY    LOCOMOTIVE.  33 

Our  farmer  entered  the  office  as  bold  as  a  lion — 
"  I  want  pay  for  my  cattle  you  killed  last  Satur- 
day," said  he.  "  Your  cattle !"  inquired  Mr. 
Blank ;  "  were  those  your  cattle  that  were  killed  ?" 
"  Mighty  apt  to  be,"  returned  the  farmer,  "  and  I 
want  two  hundred  dollars  for  them." 

"  And  /,"  said  Mr.  Blank,  "  want  proof.  You 
must  make  an  affidavit  of  the  particulars,  and  then 
we  will  come  to  a  settlement." 

Right  willingly  did  the  farmer  assent,  but  when 
the  instrument  was  properly  drawn   up,  signed, 
and  authenticated,  Mr.  Blank  turned  to  him  with, 
"  JS'ow,  sir,  /want  two  hundred  dollars  from  ymiP 
"  From  wie  .^"  exclaimed  the  amazed  rustic. 
"  Yes,  sir,  from  y6>w,"  reiterated  the  President. 
"  Here  I  have  proof,  under  your  own  hand,  that 
your  cattle  were,  contrary  to  law,  upon  the  track, 
and  thereby  our  engine  was  damaged  to  the  extent 
of  two  hundred  dollars.    Are  you  prepared  to  set- 
tle the  affair  amicably,  or  must  I  proceed  legally  ?" 
The  farmer  spake  no  word,  but  rushed  open- 
mouthed  from  the  office,  sought  his  wagon,  and 
upon  reaching  his  home,  advised  his  friends  gen- 
erally to  pocket  their  gi-ievances,  or  worse  would 
come  of  it.     From  that  day  few  demands  were 
made  upon  the  road. 

And  so  the  railroad  war  passed  quietly  away, 

and  Long  Island  turned  over  for  t'other  nap. 
2=^ 


34  DE   OMNIBUS   REBrS. 

Many  efforts  .Lave  been  made  to  overcome  the 
vis  inertise  of  the  people  of  these  shores.  Con- 
necticut, Ehode  Island,  and  Massachusetts  have 
sent  forth  their  colonies,  but  not  a  whit  of  anima- 
tion resulted  from  them,  and  the  quick  pulse  of 
the  Yankee  very  soon  degenerated  into  the  slug- 
gish beat  peculiar  to  the  Island. 

"  The  man  recovered  of  the  bite, 
The  dog  it  was  that  died." 

Time  rolls  on,  but  brings  with  it  little  alteration 
among  the  inhabitants,  or  in  the  face  of  the  coun- 
try. It  is  the  work  of  years  to  found  a  petty 
hamlet,  and  of  centuries  to  create  a  village.  How 
different  from  the  mighty  West.  See  Cincinnati 
raising  her  bristles  where  lately  bristled  a  forest  ; 
dried  hams  have  driven  out  the  Hamadryads,  and 
pickled  pork  pushed  Pan  from  his  pedestal.  The 
nymphs  of  the  pave  have  ousted  those  of  the 
wood  ;  delicate  dears,  in  silks  and  muslins,  usurped 
the  walks  of  the  doe ;  and  her  attendant  buck  is 
only  kept  in  mind  by  the  nice  young  gentlemen 
who  parade  the  street  in  goatees  and  kids. 

Having  founded  mighty  cities  and  sovereign 
states,  one  would  think  that  Western  ambition 
might  be  satisfied ;  but  no,  "  en  avant "  is  the 
motto,  and  nothing  short  of  the  Pacific  will  bring 
them  vip. 


FOLLOW   MY   LEADEE.  35 

Let  but  one  pioneer  show  the  way,  and  hun- 
dreds immediately  imitate  Jupiter's  game  of  "  fol- 
low my  Leda." 

From  all  this  disposition  of  inquiet  and  unrest, 
we  turn  with  a  feeling  of  relief  to  our  slow  and 
easy,  contented  Long  Islander. 

E'o thing  now  can  arouse  him.  Kossuth  may 
come,  France  may  fume,  Bull  may  bully,  but  all 
in  vain.  Even  an  unexampled  rise  in  the  clam 
market  would  not  disturb  him. 


CHAPTEK  YI. 


ET     QUIBUSDAM     ALUS,     INCLUDING    THE     HISTORY    OF 
COLONEL   JENKINS,  AND   THE   NUPTIALS   OF   CAPTAIN 


JOB. 


Let  me  return  to  Captain  Job,  and  his  pride  in 
second-hand  birth.  It  all  came  about  from  the 
doings  of  Mary's  grandfather.  If  she  had  had  no 
grandfather,  or  if  her  grandfather  had  been  any 
man  but  the  particular  one  that  he  was,  there  is 
no  human  possibility  that  Captain  Job  would  have 
possessed  any  pride  of  the  kind  with  which  he 
was  afflicted,  direct  or  collateral,  wherewithal  to 
overswell  the  already  sufficiently  puffed  out  sails 
of  his  vanity. 

Long  Islanders  are  fond  of  horses,  and  of  fine 
ones  at  that.  Why  "  slow  "  persons  should  inva- 
riably affect  "  fast "  things  is  a  paradox  several 
fathoms  too  deep  for  me  to  fathom  ;  in  fact  I  am 
off  soundings  altogether. 

The  degenerate  modern  Spaniard  loves  the  dis- 
plays of  brute  courage  and  gallantry  in  the  bull- 


87 

ring  or  the  cock-pit,  while  tlie  dare-devil  ISTimrod 
Wildfire  of  our  Western  wilderness  finds  amuse- 
ment in  shooting  at  some  unfortunate  turkey  or 
ill-fated  goose  tied  up  to  a  tree.  If  there  is  any- 
fighting  to  be  done,  he  wants  to  do  it  himself,  and 
— to  use  his  own  words — is  always  willing  "  to 
take  two  chances." 

It  would  appear  that  we  are  all  attached  to  our 
antitheses  and  antipodes,  animate  and  inanimate. 
Thespians  often  enter  the  temple  doorway,  and 
en  revanche  parsons  are  possessed  for  a  peep  at 
play,  if  they  can  have  it  upon  the  sly.  Upon 
something  of  the  same  antipodal  principles  is  it 
that  the  herbs  of  our  own  country  are  deserted 
and  ignored  by  our  women,  and  that  nothing  will 
please  their  palates,  oil  their  tongues,  and  set  them 
oflT  at  railroad  speed,  but  the  black  or  green-leaf 
of  the  Celestial  Empire.  Distance  lends  enchant- 
ment to  the  taste  as  well  as  to  the  view. 

Let  enterprising  Yankees  beware  how  they 
waste  time  and  money  in  introducing  the  exotic. 
When  the  easy  cultivation  of  tea  in  America 
shall  have  become  an  established  fact,  the  ladies 
will  have  none  of  it,  and  their  tastes  will  be 
tickled  with  notliing  short  of  an  infusion  of  upas 
leaves,  or  of  some  impossible  shrub  from  Japan. 

The  pet  hobby  of  old  Colonel  Jenkins — our 
Mary's  grandfather — has  been  horseflesh,  and  par- 


38  ET   QUIBUSDAM   ALUS. 

ticularly  the  breeding  of  it.  Many  a  man  has 
made  a  fortmie  by  the  raising  and  selling  of 
fine  animals ;  but  he  who  keeps  them  for  the  sake 
of  keeping  them,  and  is  prepared  to  back  np  his 
favorites  at  any  figure,  will  some  fine  day  be 
forced  to  back  himself — out  of  house  and  land. 

It  is  said  that  the  exceptions  prove  the  rule; 
not  that  I  pretend  to  understand  this  at  all,  but 
bow  my  head  meekly  and  take  it  for  granted  that 
it  is  all  right.  Colonel  Jenkins  proved  the  truth 
of  an  old  law  by  its  converse :  Mares  make  the 
money  go. 

Handicaps  exhausted  handy  pockets  ;  fillies 
emptied  his  purse ;  sweepstakes  swept  his  grana- 
ries ;  and  the  "  Course"  used  him  coarsely  indeed  ; 
trots  under  saddles  resulted  in  nothing  but  sad 
ills  ;  those  in  sulkies  rarely  left  him  in  a  sociable 
humor ;  a  tandem  at  length  cut  short  his  career, 
and  his  coup-de-grace  was  received  from  the 
Jockej-Oluhy  who,  having  in  one  way  or  another, 
pouched  all  his  money,  now  turned  him  out  be- 
cause he  had  no  more  of  it.  No  longer  a  per- 
former, he  now  attended  races  as  a  spectator, 
and  his  love  for  the  turf  ceased  not  until  he  was 
deposited  beneath  it.  Peat  may  do  very  well  in 
Ireland,  but  here  the  "turf"  is  a  bad  speculation 
for  our  farmers. 

There  had  been  a  single  pause  in  the  old  man's 


DEAD   BEAT.  39 

career.  Having  buried  a  first  wife  soon  after  his 
fortune  invested  in  horses  had  gone  to  the  dogs, 
he  looked  around  for  a  second,  and  not  finding 
any  of  his  own  caste,  with  a  sufiicient  matter  of 
money  inclined  to  matrimony,  he  descended  seve- 
ral pegs  and  espoused  the  daughter  of  a  wealthy 
farmer  of  low  extraction.  His  friends  and  rela- 
tives treated  him  to  the  cold  shoulder,  his  second 
wife's  fortune  was  soon  spent,  and  for  a  time  he 
lived  upon  the  credit  of  having  a  rich  father-in- 
law. 

At  last  the  latter  paid  the  debt  of  nature — which, 
being  accustomed  to  quibble  very  much  over  the 
settlement  of  accounts,  he  did  in  a  grumbling  way 
— and  for  a  few  years  tlie  Colonel  again  kept  his 
head  above  water — although  not  brandy  and  water. 

His  race  was  up  at  length,  and  but  for  the 
shelter  of  Captain  Job's  roof,  he  must  have  bur- 
dened the  town  for  his  support.  His  second  wife 
having  had  but  little  happiness  in  this  world, 
departed  to  search  for  it  in  another  ;  and  the  hus- 
band not  long  after  his  fortune  went  to  the  devil, 
started  off  also,  whether  in  pursuit  of  it  or  not,  as 
an  accurate  and  veracious  historian,  I  cannot  tell, 
but  can  only  say  that  he  bequeathed  to  Job  the 
sum  total  of  his  earthly  possessions,  two  helpless 
daughters  of  the  respective  ages  of  sixteen  and 
twenty-five. 


40  ET    QUIBUSDAM    ALUS. 

Captain  Job  had  made  his  debut  as  cow-boy  or 
general  youth,  upon  the  Colonel's  farm,  and  after 
serving  an  apprenticeship  at  the  business,  em- 
barked in  our  merchant  marine  as  an  able-bodied 
seaman  in  the  manure-carrying  trade.  "When  the 
Colonel's  ready  money  began — in  Job's  vernacular 
— to  cut  stick,  he,  taking  the  hint,  went  to  cutting 
sticks  himself,  and  having  purchased  a  sloop  to 
transport  his  wood  cheaply  to  market,  invested 
Job  with  the  chief  command. 

As  Job  saved  money  and  the  Colonel  spent  it, 
in  the  natural  course  of  events,  the  former  soon 
became  a  quarter,  then  a  half,  and  finally  the  sole 
owner  of  the  "  Sally  Ann,"  and  ere  long  the  pur- 
chaser of  a  pretty  cottage  and  snug  farm,  although 
to  complete  it  he  borrowed  money  upon  his  vessel, 
which  required  the  earnings  of  after  years  to  re- 
pay. 

It  is  highly  probable  that  some  matrimonial 
scheme  may  have  been  flitting  across  our  hero's 
brain,  when  he  opened  his  doors  to  receive  the 
poor  old  Colonel  and  his  unfortunate  daughters, 
but  whether  it  was  so  or  not,  the  result  is  certain  ; 
and  the  modest,  pretty,  and  industrious  daughter 
of  the  second  wife — always  a  great  favorite  with 
the  Captain — so  won  upon  him,  that  ere  she  had 
been  the  inmate  of  his  cottage  for  a  year,  he 
olTered  her  a  home  for  life,  accompanied  with  a 


SOUR   GRAPES.  41 

particularly  rough    Land,   and    a    heart,   wilful 
enough  it  is  true,  but  all  right  in  the  main. 

Miss  Keziah  Jenkins,  the  elder  of  the  sisters, 
although  ignored  by  relations  and  dependent  upon 
Job  for  bread  and  shelter,  was  perfectly  aghast  at 
the  latter's  presumption,  and  had  not  nature  turn- 
ed up  her  nose  so  extremely  high  that  any  further 
attempt  upon  her  part  in  that  line  must  have  re- 
sulted in  a  backward  sommersault,  the  degree  of 
elevation  the  organ  must  have  attained  upon  the 
occasion  would  actually  have  petrified  the  behold- 
ers and  perhaps  have  broken  off  the  match. 


CHAPTEK  YII. 


Every  now  and  tlien  certain  queer  terms,  newly 
coined,  or  of  foreign  origin,  employed  at  first  in 
book  or  in  speech,  by  some  man  of  mark  for  the 
time  being,  suddenly  appear  among  their  every- 
day brethren,  and  before  one  reader  in  a  thousand 
has  even  so  much  as  obtained  a  glimpse  of  their 
true  signification,  they  are  popped  at  him  from 
every  newspaper  column,  and  handled  with  re- 
morseless energy  by  the  entire  corps*  editorial, 
from  the  Autocratic  Responsible  himself,  in  his 
"  leader,"  to  "  Items "  in  his  "  dreadful  acci- 
dent." 

One  of  these  is  quite  popular  at  this  moment. 
It  is  borrowed  from  the  gastronomic  calendar  of 
frog-eating  France,  and  has  been  extensively  used 
by  most  knights  of  the  pen  and  scissors ;  but  not 
having  had  my  fling  at  it  yet,  and  perceiving  now 
an  excellent  opportunity,  by  your  leave,  Mons. 
Soyer,  I  will  improve  the  chance. 


AN    OFF   IIOESE.  43 

Were  I  to  waste  three  mortal  chapters  in  de- 
picting the  person  and  attributes  of  Miss  Keziah 
Jenkins,  I  could  n^t  do  her  half  the  justice  that 
may  be  embodied  in  three  words. 

She  was,  then,  emphatically  a  piece  de  resist- 
ance, a  standing  dish  at  Captain  Job's  board,  and 
a  very  contrary  one  at  that.     Upon  the  other  side 
of  every  question  she  was  well  described  in  the 
equine  language  of  the  late  lamented  Colonel,  as 
"  an  off  horse."     Her  pride  had  received  a  double 
blow,  from  Job's  marriage  with  her  sister.      In 
the  first  place,  she  deemed  it  an  unpardonable 
crime  for  so  young  a  girl  to  throw  herself  away 
upon  such  a  man,  while  so  many  better  chances 
yet  remained  within  the  wheel  of   fate.     Then 
again  "  Sally "  was  but  "  half-bred,"  at  best,  and 
another  dash  of  plebeian  blood  would  completely 
do  the  business ;    and  she  and  her  descendants 
must  be,  and  continue    to   be,  perfect  nobodies. 
The  worst  of  the  case  was — although  she  would 
not  own  it  even  to  herself — that,  despising  Job  as 
she  did  for  a  brother-in-law,  yet  to  have  viewed 
him  in  the  light  of  a  husband,  would  have  been  a 
different  thing  altogether  ;    almost  anything,   in 
fact,  in  coats  and  continuations  would  iiave  been 
a  god-send  to  her  under  the  circumstances.     The 
grapes  were  very  sour  indeed,  and  tlie  taste  of 


44  CAPTAIN   job's 

them  imparted  sucli  a  pucker  to  lier  mouth  that  it 
never  after  resumed  its  projSer  form. 

Taking  her  height  and  disposition  into  consider- 
ation, a  magnetizer  might  have  pronounced  her  a 
negative  pole  ;  a  mathematician,  however,  would 
have  told  you  that  her  person  was  perpendicular, 
temper,  nose,  and  elbows  acute,  mind  rather  ob- 
tuse, opinion  always  right,  the  physical  tout  en- 
semble very  like  a  line,  possessing  height,  width, 
but  no  thickness,  her  longitude  great,  and  the  lati- 
tude she  gave  herself  extreme.  She  ruled  the 
roast — and  the  boiled ;  had  assumed  entire  con- 
trol over  her  sister  during  the  latter 's  lifetime, 
and  now  domineered  over  Job  and  Mary  as  far  as 
prudence  would  permit,  for  she  had  learned  by 
experience  that  the  wilfulness  of  the  one,  and  a 
certain  spirit  in  the  other,  seldom  exhibited,  but 
proving  most  unequivocally,  when  evoked,  that 
the  Mary  was  her  father's  child,  rendered  it  un- 
safe for  her  to  venture  to  extremities. 

When  provoking  beyond  further  endurance. 
Job's  "  there,  Keziah,  you've  payed  out  enough, 
belay  now  or  trip  your  anchor,"  would  bring  her 
to  terms,  and  one  glance  from  Mary's  eyes,  accom- 
panied with  a  smart  tap  on  the  ground  from  a 
"sery  pretty,  but  very  decided  little  foot,  produced 
the  same  result. 

"Would   you   have  a  correct  idea  of  her  peT*- 


A  KECTANGULAK  VENUS.  45 

sonnelf  Elevate  a  perpendicular  of  some  five 
feet  ten  in  height — a  narrow  plank  will  answer 
admirably — clap  on  the  top  an  indefinite  maze  of 
dimity,  let  a  sharp,  thin,  and  inquisitive  nose  pro- 
ject not  far  beneath  it,  so  inquisitive  indeed  that 
it  always  maintains  an  inquisitorial  observation 
upon  the  cap — for,  verily,  Keziah's  horn  was  ex- 
alted— a  mouth,  but  no  visible  lips,  allow  ample 
space  for  a  long  and  scraggy  neck,  then  project 
from  either  side  a  pair  of  pump  handles,  with  a 
sharp  joint  in  their  centres  ;  now  a  larger  maze  of 
white  dimity  drawn  closely  around  an  imaginary 
waist — supposed  to  be  situated  immediately  be- 
neath her  shoulders — and  pressing  out  balloon- 
wise  above  and  below,  like  a  cotton  cloud ;  then 
another  mass  of  something  white  falling  to  the 
ground  in  straight  lines,  unimpeded  in  its  course 
by  any  such  obstacles  as  projecting  hips ;  illumine 
all  this  with  a  pair  of  small,  snappish,  black  eyes, 
and  enliven  it  with  a  voice  apparently  intended 
by  nature  to  sing  "  alto  "  in  duets  with  a  saw  un- 
dergoing the  operation  of  filing,  and  you  have 
Aunt  Keziah. 

I  see  but  little  use  in  causing  Mary  to  sit  for 
her  portrait ;  and  if  I  did,  fear  I  should  make  a 
daub  of  it.  When  I  have  said  that  she  was  a  rustic 
beauty,  I  have  covered  the  whole  ground.  Of 
course  she  had  a  flood  of  rich  chestnut  hair,  that 


46  CAPTAIN    job's    "  WOMEN    FOLKS." 

poured   down    in  rivulets  upon  her    gracefully 
formed  shoulders,  a  pair  of  large  and  loving  hazel 
eyes,  the  most  piquant  little  nose  in  the  w^orld, 
rosy  lips,  very  dangerous  indeed  to  look  upon, 
which,  when  parted,  as  they  often  were  with  a 
smile,  disclosed   a  mine  of  pearls ;  a  trim  little 
figure,  and  small,  plump  hands  and  feet.     I  need 
not  tell  you  that  she  had  the  merest  soujpgon  of 
coquetry,  for  I  should  like  to  see  maid  or  matron 
without  it.     There  was  a  fair  allowance  of  spirits, 
perchance  a  slight  sprinkling  of  pepper  in  her  dis- 
position, but  not  one  drop  of  vinegar.  Her  mother, 
whom  she  resembled,  had  imparted  to  her  such 
education  and  accomplishments  as  she  possessed, 
which,   without  including    either  Latin,   Greek, 
geometry,  and  astronomy  on  the  one  hand,  or  the 
guitar,  piano,  and  polking  on   the   other,    were 
nevertheless  such  that  even  Captain  Job  and  Aunt 
Keziah  looked  up  to  them  with  a  feeling  some- 
thing akin  to  awe. 

She  teazed  the  old  lady,  wheedled  her  father, 
laughed  at  the  Irishman,  plagued  Harry  Mint  al- 
most to  death,  and  kept  sundry  other  young  gen- 
tlemen within  an  inch  of  distraction. 


CHAPTEK  YIII. 

HAKKY   FLINT. 

!N"ear  the  edge  of  a  beautiful  sheet  of  fresh  wa- 
ter, situated  immediately  above  the  head  of  the 
Bay,  and  only  separated  from  it  by  a  lofty  and  an- 
cient dam,  over  which  the  road  passes,  stands  a 
very  unpretending  edifice.  There  is  nothing  re- 
markable— certainly  nothing  romantic  in  its  ap- 
pearance. It  is  of  one  story,  has  a  low  roof,  boasts 
of  but  one  stunted  chimney,  is  painted  a  most  vil- 
lanous  red,  its  only  practical  mode  of  egress  or  en- 
trance, a  very  narrow  and  weather-beaten  door, 
which  if  it  could  be  transported  to  Central  Ameri- 
ca, would  certainly  pass  for  a  whole  book  of  his- 
tory, from  the  numerous  and  strange  hieroglyphi- 
cal  carvings  with  which  it  is  adorned,  its  sides  or- 
namented with  a  series  of  diminutive  windows, 
consisting  of  four  panes  of  seven-by-nine,  and  yet 
it  is  an  institution — nay,  a  part  and  parcel  of  the 
institution,  jpar  excellence^  of  our  country. 

If  you  should  pass  it,  when  the  horns  sounding 


48  HAREY  FLINT. 

far  and  near,  proclaim  the  advent  of  noon,  you 
would  be  surprised  at  its  capacity  for  the  stowage 
of  juvenile  humanity.  You  would  see  a  great  troop 
of  flaxen-headed  urchins  rush  out  with  jovial  cries, 
and  scamper  away  in  every  direction,  as  fast  as 
their  short,  chubby  legs  would  permit — for  what 
urchin  ever  lived,  that  walked  away  from 
school  ? — as  if  a  certain  distance  must  be  attained 
as  soon  as  possible,  to  satisfy  them  of  their  free- 
dom. Having  spread  themselves  out  in  an  ex- 
tended circle,  they  wheel,  sweep  about  like  a  flock 
of  swallows,  and  head  in  again  for  the  house. 
Here  young  ideas  are  taught  to  shoot,  as  you  will 
see  by  the  games  of  marbles,  and  the  bows  and 
arrows  quickly  drawn  from  their  snug  places  of 
concealment  behind  the  fence. 

Here  it  was  that  Mary  acquired  the  rudiments, 
and  that  little  Harry  Flint,  after  a  few  pretty  solid 
bouts  at  fisticufi*,  was  regularly  installed  as  her 
protector,  entitled  to  help  her  over  the  fences  and 
out  of  the  mud-puddles,  to  give  her  his  rosiest- 
cheeked  apple,  to  be  an  object  of  envy  to  the  boys, 
and  admiration  to  the  girls.  It  was  from  that  very 
pond  that  looks  so  placid  and  innocent,  that  Harry 
drew  her  all  wet  and  dripping,  when,  having  been 
decoyed  into  a  boat  by  one  of  the  larger  boys — 
contrary  to  all  the  laws  of  pedagogdom  in  such  cases 
made  and  provided — she  was  upset,  and  left  to 


FIRST   ATTEMPT   AT   WHALING.  49 

make  tlie  most  of  it,  while  tlie  cowardly  truant 
paddled  his  way  to  dry  ground. 

Having  rescued  and  brought  her  on  shore,  not 
much  hurt,  but  terribly  frightened,  Harry  bore  her 
into  the  school-house,  and  there,  in  the  presence 
of  the  master,  in  defiance  of  his  laws,  in  contempt 
of  his  orders,  and  in  profanation  of  the  sacred  pre- 
cincts of  the  Temple  of  Minerva  itself,  tiirned  to, 
and  administered  to  Master  Tony  Bigler  so  severe 
a  flogging,  that  the  presiding  genius  of  the  place 
did  not  deem  it  very  safe,  under  the  circumstances, 
to  punish  the  offending  lad,  in  his  excited  state, 
and  so  the  matter  dropped. 

Harry  was  the  only  child  of  a  widow,  in  humble 
circumstances,  and  being  a  noble-spirited  and 
quick-witted  lad,  he  early  determined  to  be  a  bur- 
den to  his  mother  no  longer  than  absolute  neces- 
sity required.  Commencing  his  salt-water  career, 
as  a  matter  of  course  upon  a  manure  sloop  ;  but  a 
few  months  saw  him  handling  the  ropes  upon  a 
whaler,  at  a  good  "  lay  ;"  in  a  year  or  two,  he  was 
a  second  mate,  and  the  next  voyage  a  first  mate, 
upon  his  first  ship. 

He  had  been  a  great  favorite  with  all  of  Job's 
family,  except  aunt  Keziah,  and  Mary  always  re- 
ceived him  on  his  occasional  returns  to  the  village, 
with  a  smile  and  a  warm  pressure  of  the  hand, 

tormented  him  as  long  as  he  stayed,  and  dismissed 

3 


60  •         HARRY    FLI2."r. 

him  with  a  kiss,  succeeded  by  a  small  deluge  of 
tears,  which  continued  to  fall  at  lengthened  inter- 
vals for  a  week  or  more  after  his  departure. 

Captain  Job's  feelings,  however,  had  undergone 
a  change.  While  the  boy  would  sit  for  a  long 
evening,  and  listen  with  wonder  and  admiration 
to  the  long-shore  sailor's  tales,  it  was  all  very 
well ;  but  when  the  former's  experience  in  a  wider 
field  enabled  him  to  spin  yarns  which  were  to 
those  of  Job,  as  a  hawser  to  a  bit  of  rattlin,  it  was 
entirely  a  different  case.  Job  considered  it  as  an 
attempt  to  dethrone  his  dignity  and  importance  in 
his  own  stronghold,  and  became  first  crusty,  then 
rude,  and  finally  inhospitable.  Not  believing  that 
any  greater  wonders  of  the  deep  could  exist  than 
those  he  had  encountered,  in  cruising  for  twenty 
years  from  the  Bay  to  New- York,  he  had  really 
but  little  faith  in  Harry's  descriptions  of  encoun- 
ters with  the  monsters  of  the  ocean. 

When  Harry  spoke  of  vast  quantities  of  "  blub- 
ber," the  old  man  imagined  that  if  the  Bohemoth 
was  really  guilty  of  any  such  effeminacy,  he  must 
be  a  Prince  of  Wails  indeed.  The  "  spouts"  he 
deemed  only  some  of  Harry's  blowing,  the  "  sea 
lions"  passed  with  him  for  a  tall  specimen  of  sea- 
lying,  and  the  "  seals,"  sealed  the  young  sailor's 
fate. 

The  whole  affair  ended  finally  in  a  downright 


GOLD   GILDS   GUILT.  "       51 

quarrel,  and  the  irate  Job  informed  the  whaler 
that  he  was  "  altogether  too  smart  to  be  his  son-in- 
law,  and  that  he  need  not  trouble  himself  any  fur- 
ther about  his  daughter." 

As  Job  did  nothing  by  halves,  he  immediately 
commenced  a  matrimonial  treaty,  on  Mary's  be- 
half, with  the  father  of  the  very  Tony  Bigler  who 
had  figured  so  shabbily  in  the  pond  affair  of 
schoolboy  days. 

Tony's  father  bore  the  character  of  a  very  close 
old  man ;  too  close,  indeed,  to  be  honest — but  it 
was  well  known  that  he  had  plied  his  trade  of 
market-man  so  effectually  that,  honest  or  not,  his 
coffers  were  well  filled. 

Perhaps  you  cannot  "  gild  refined  gold  or  paint 
the  lily  ;"  but  very  impure  gold  will  gild  anything 
else,  and  paint  up  a  toad  until  he  passes  for  a  bird 
of  paradise,  wings,  tail-feathers,  and  all  included. 


CHAPTEK  IX. 

CAPTAIN   JOB   IS    *'lN   FOR   IT 

In  the  heart  of  the  little  village  of  Bay  Harbor 
stands  a  long  narrow  building  two  stories  in  height, 
A\ith  two  one-story  projections,  setting  forth  at 
right-angles  from  its  rear  ;  and,  although  they  do 
not  advance  boldly  to  the  front,  yet  laterally  they 
extend  quite  a  distance. 

A  very  imaginative  mind  might  discover  some 
resemblance  between  its  form,  when  viewed  from 
a  distance,  and  that  of  an  ancient  baronial  castle. 

Enter  the  door  and  you  will  see  the  front,  rear, 
and  ceiling,  covered  and  adorned  with  all  kinds 
of  weapons  of  peace  suspended  in  every  manner, 
pretty  much  as  the  spoils  of  war  and  the  chase 
are  supposed  to  ornament  the  lordly  mansions  of 
the  old  world. 

There  are  plough-shares  and  reaping-hooks  for 
spears  and  javelins,  wood-axes  for  battle-axes,  ox 
and  log-chains  for  chain-armor,  beavers  with  naps 
as  long  as  those  of  the  seven  sleepers  for  helmets, 


A   GENERAL   ASSORTMENT.  63 

rifles — to  sharpen  scythes — instead  of  the  harqiie- 
buss,  cradles — not  intended  for  infantry  practice, 
rakes  —  moral  ones  —  cultivators,  harrow  teeth, 
pot-metal  boots,  cards — only  two  in  a  pack — cur- 
ry-combs, bundles  of  wire — -jewelry  for  the  pigs 
— shoe-lasts,  carpenters  rules,  augers  and  chisels, 
ox  and  pig-yokes,  and,  in  fine,  the  whole  para- 
phernalia of  a  farmer,  instead  of  plate  armor, 
greaves,  morions,  gauntlets,  swords,  and  jack- 
boots. 

A  counter  ran  around  three  sides  of  the  store. 
On  the  left,  as  you  entered,  were  arranged  on 
shelves  specimens  of  the  vocabulary  of  dry  goods, 
from  thread  and  tape  to  calicoes  and  broadcloths. 
On  the  opposite  side,  a  great  variety  of  common 
crockery  and  earthenware  was  visible ;  and  standing 
upon  the  floor  were  quantities  of  pots,  kettles,  and 
various  other  articles,  important  necessaries  in 
kitchen  economy.  Behind  the  rear  counter  were 
several  suspicious-looking  barrels,^  some  of  which 
probably  contained  nothing  more  potent  than 
molasses,  oil,  or  vinegar,  but  the  odor  of  "JN^ew 
England  "  and  "  Turpentine  Gin  "  that  pervaded 
the  atmosphere,  sundry  very  queer  tumblers  upon 
the  board,  and  the  fact  that  three  or  four,  half 
sailor,  half  farmer-looking  men,  were  tossing  off 
something,  with  a  smack  and  apparent  gusto  that 
water-drinkers  do  not  affect,  induces  me  to  sup- 


54  CAPTAIN   JOB   13 

pose,  that  nothing  like  Maine-law  was  recognized 
in  the  establishment.  In  the  sheds,  connected 
with  the  main  building,  were  to  be  found  all  kinds 
of  provisions,  fish  and  flesh,  flour,  meal,  lime, 
paint-kegs,  boxes  of  cheese,  kegs  of  butter,  and, 
to  complete  the  title,  the  establishment  might  well 
lay  claim  to  of  a  "  store  of  all  sorts,"  a  number 
of  pigeon-holes,  elevated  above  one  end  of  the 
counter,  in  which  an  occasional  letter  or  paper 
w^as  visible,  proved  that  the  proprietor  was  a 
government  officer,  a  good  democrat,  and  a  distri- 
butor of  Uncle  Sam's  mails. 

See,  a  girl  has  just  arrived  with  a  pot  of  butter 
to  trade  off  for  "  store-pay."  She  wants  in  ex- 
change a  yard  of  calico,  a  quarter  of  tea,  a  quart 
of  molasses,  a  paper  of  radish-seed,  a  pound  of 
•sugar,  a  plug  of  tobacco,  two  pipes,  a  fine-tooth 
comb,  a  salt  mackerel,  a  dose  of  rhubarb,  two 
sticks  of  candy,  and — tell  it  not  in  the  Tabernacle 
—a  bottle  of  "New  England." 

The  proprietor  of  this  "  Omnium  Gatherum  "  is, 
in  reality,  the  lord  of  the  manor.  All  the  villagers 
pay  him  tribute.  He  owns  half  the  houses,  half 
the  land  about  the  bay,  two  factories  and  a  flour- 
mill,  and,  as  a  matter  of  coui-se,  "  Squire  Divine 
Underwood  "  is  cordially  hated  by  all  of  his  neigh- 
bors, partly  because  he  is  a  rich,  and  partly  because 


THE    SQUIRE   OFFERS    A    TRADE.  55 

lie  is  a  hard  man,  and  drives  very  close  bargains 
indeed. 

Some  dozen  or  more  men  are  sitting  on  the 
counters,  or  leaning  against  them  ;  about  the  same 
number  of  boys  imitate  their  example,  and  listen, 
open-mouthed,  to  all  that  is  going  on,  amusing 
themselves  in  the  meanwhile  by  kicking  their 
heels  together,  and  giving  a  sly  pinch  to  a 
neighbor. 

Mr.  Underwood  is  in  the  middle  of  the  store, 
and  something  important  is  going  on.  He  is 
speaking  to  one  of  the  men. 

"  Well,  Jacob,  if  you  won't  go  to  Boston  for- 
thirty  dollars,  say  what  you  wall  take  ?" 

"  Wouldn't  like  to,  Mr.  Underwood,  'cause  I've 
never  been  there,  and  I'm  kinder  feared  the 
'Teazer'  wouldn't  know  the  way." 

"  Well,  any  of  you,  then ;  what  will  you  take  ? 
I'll  put  the  ballast  on  board  for  nothing.  You 
shall  have  the  ashes  as  fast  as  you'll  take  them, 
when  you  get  there,  and  I'll  pay  any  one  of  you 
thirty-five  dollars  for  the  trip.    Come,  who  says  I  ?" 

JSTo  one  bid,  and  the  Squire  went  on  : 

"I'll  give  forty"  (a  pause^)  "forty-five"  (ano- 
ther.) "  Kow  stop,  may-be  yoi>  think  I  want  to 
drive  a  tight  trade  with  you,  so  I'll  tell  you  what 
I'll  give  :  sixty  dollars  to  the  first  one  of  you  who 
will  undertake  the  job." 


66  CAPTAIN   JOB    IS 

"  Captain  Job's  always  tellin'  on  his  goin'  to 
Boston  onst,"  replied  a  voice ;  "  may-be  you  and 
him  can  make  a  trade." 

"  That's  a  fact,"  said  Underwood.  "  Priest, 
you're  the  very  man.     I  did  not  see  you  before." 

And  he  did  not  see  him  then,  for,  on  the  men- 
tion of  his  name.  Captain  Job  had  quietly  slid  out 
of  the  store,  and  before  Underwood  had  finished, 
was  around  the  corner  and  in  the  shed,  very  busily 
engaged  in  the  critical  examination  of  an  animal 
he  despised  above  all  others — a  horse. 

You  have  probably  heard  how  once  upon  a  time, 
a  preacher  that  had  been  holding  forth  concerning 
the  "  last  day,"  and  who  had  wound  up  his  exor- 
dium with  "who  dare  be  found  among  the  goats  ?" 
received  this  reply,  which  was  not  to  be  found  on 
the  bills,  from  a  sailor  in  the  gallery : 

"  I  dares ;  for  I  never  takes  a  stump." 

Job,  like  the  sailor,  "  never  took  a  stump,"  and 
so,  to  keep  himself  out  of  harm's  way,  he  staid  in 
the  shed  until  Underwood  had  passed  up  the  road, 
homeward  bound. 

"When  Job  returned  to  the  store,  an  animated  dis- 
cussion was  going  on  about  the  proposed  voyage 
to  Boston;  and  Harry  Flint,  who  had  just  entered, 
was  engaged  in  it. 

"  Captain  Job,"  said  Harry,  "  come,  take   up 


NEVER  TAKES   A   "  STUMP."  ^7 

the  offer.  I'll  go  with  you,  and  show  you  the 
way." 

"No,  you  won't!"  replied  Job.  "I  know  the 
way  well  enough  ;  but  I  don't  want  to  dirty  up  the 
'Sally  Ann.'" 

"  Well,  I'm  blest,  "  retorted  Harry,  "  if  old  Un- 
derwood shall  have  it  to  say,  that  no  Bay  Harbor 
man  had  spunk  enough  to  go  to  Boston.  Before  I 
let  him  go  to  Clam  Cove  and  charter  a  vessel,  I'll 
go  in  earnest.  Who'll  let  me  have  his  sloop  on 
shares  ? " 

"  /will,  Harr}^,"  said  one  of  the  captains. 

"  Not  spunk  enough  !"  exclaimed  Job.  "  Shan't 
say  that  about  me.  I'll  take  the  job ;"  and  after 
laying  in  an  additional  supply  of  Dutch  courage, 
he  started  off  after  Underwood. 

ISTow,  Harry  thought  that  he  had  been  very  sly 
and  cunning  in  packing  off  the  old  man ;  and  so 
having  him  out  of  the  way,  and  unable  to  inter- 
fere between  him  and  Mary,  for  ten  days  at  least, 
but  Vliomme  jprojpose^  et  Dieu  dispose^"^'  and  we 
shall  see  how  it  all  turned  out. 

Job  felt  very  qualmish  indeed ;  he  had  been  to 
Boston  once,  but  that  was  a  long  time  ago,  and  be- 
fore he  had  attained  to  the  dignity  of  master.  He 
knew  it  was  somewhere  off  the  north  end  of  the 

*  Note. — A  maiden  friend  disputes  the  correctness  of  a  part  of 
this  proverb.    "  The  men,"  she  says,  "  don't  propose  at  all." 
1* 


58  CAPTAIN   JOB   IS    "  IN   FOR   It"  AT   LAST. 

island,  and  that  was  the  extent  of  his  knowledge  ; 
but  as  for  seeking  information  upon  the  subject,  he 
would  have  seen  the  ^'  Sally  Ann"  sunk  first.  The 
fact  of  the  business  was,  that  neither  the  sloop  nor 
her  crew  were  exactly  prepared  for  anything  of  a 
voyage.  The  only  "log"  that  captain  Job  had 
ever  kept  on  board,  was  a  meat-block.  For  a  com- 
pass, he  had  a  pair  that  moved  their  legs  any  way 
you  wished  ;  his  only  needle  had  an  eye  in  it,  and 
tlK)ugh  very  useful  in  patching  sails,  only  pointed 
to  the  north  by  accident. 

So  with  a  heavy  heart,  Job  entei*ed  Under- 
wood's house,  completed  his  bargain,  and  walked 
slowly  home,  muttering  to  himself : 

"  Well,  if  I  havn't  put  my  foot  into  it  this 
time !" 


CHAPTER  X. 


CONCERNING     THE     INCONVENIENCES     OF     BEING     TOO 


u 


SMAUT  ^DIAGNOSIS   OF   THE     ALABAMA     GENTLE- 


MAN S   CASE   AND   THE   OYSTER-CUKE — AN   EPISODE. 

The  man  who  goes  plodding  on  about  his  busi- 
ness, may  not,  perhaps,  effect  quite  as  much  as 
his  "smarter'.'  neighbor,  but  what  little  he  per- 
forms, is  done  well  and  surely.  Somewhat  dis- 
trusting himself,  feeling  his  way  cautiously  over 
slippery  paths  and  upon  thin  ice,  he  comes  out  all 
right  at  the  end ;  but  the  ''  smart"  man  pushes  on, 
making  famous  headway  for  a  time,  until,  from 
holding  his  head  too  high,  or  trusting  himself  upon 
too  slender  a  foundation,  down  he  comes,  all  of  a 
sudden,  tears  his  best  breeches,  falls  through,  and 
then  bawls  out  lustily  for  the  tortoise  to  assist  him, 
and  keep  his  head  above  water. 

A  proper  degree  of  confidence  is  as  necessary  to 
the  man  of  business  as  would  be  an  India-rubber 
life-preserver  to  one  floating  upon  his  own  hook  on 
the  Mississippi.     A  certain  buoyancy  is  important 


60  AN    EPISODI<:. 

to  liis  safety ;  but  there  is  no  use  in  engaging  a 
balloon,  and  getting  so  high  in  it,  that  away  goes 
he,  soaring  above  all  his  compeers,  until  the  sud- 
den collision  with  a  castle-in-the-air,  or  a  collapse 
and  escape  of  gas,  precipitates  him  headlong,  and 
the  severity  of  his  fall  is  in  proportion  to  the  ra- 
pidity of  his  rise. 

I  was  once  walking  with  an  Alabama  merchant 
in  the  streets  of  'New  Orleans,  when  we  met  half 
a  dozen  evidently  "  up-country"  youths,  and  so 
very  green,  that  they  had  not  yet  shed  their  "  Ken- 
tucky jeans,"  but  for  all  that,  their  hands  were 
ornamented  with  fashionable  canes,  and  their 
mouths  adorned  with  cigars  of  the  largest  size  and 
most  approved  pattern ;  and  on  they  went,  swing- 
ing the  former  and  puffing  the  latter,  and  appear- 
ing very  wide  awake,  indeed. 

"There,"  said  my  Alabama  friend,  "  do  you 
see  those  chaps  smoking  their  '  three-for-a-quarter' 
Ilavanas ;  don't  they  feel  '  piert,'  and  Avon't  they 
catch  it  before  long  ?  Some  of  them  will  be  cured 
of  their  smartness  by  the  first  bucket  of  cold  water 
that  their  conceit  gets  ;  but  with  others  it's  a  dis- 
ease for  life.  It  was  taken  out  of  me  in  a  hurry. 
I  w^ill  tell  you  the  story,  and  it's  all  true,  which 
you'll  probably  believe ;  for  although  I  am  the 
hero  of  the  tale,  it  does  not  tell  much  to  my 
credit. 


A   GREAT    TRAVELLER.  61 

"  At  home  I  was  deemed  the  most  knowing  of 
the  family,  and  when  a  mere  lad,  was  intrusted 
with  some  important  business  to  transact  at  Co- 
lumbus, a  place  generally  supposed  among  us  to 
be  somewhere  near  the  world's  end,  and  which 
even  my  father,  a  steady-going,  well-to-do-planter, 
had  but  once  visited.  When  I  arrived  at  my  des- 
tination, I  found  everything  ready  for  me,  and  my 
father's  friend,  knowing  the  dangers  incident  to 
country  lads,  even  in  so  small  a  town,  marched 
me  off  for  home  before  night,  having  kept  close 
by  my  side  while  I  remained. 

"  iSTow,  I  had  done  nothing  that  any  dog,  w^ell 
trained  to  fetch  and  carry,  might  not  have  per- 
formed with  ease.  I  had  seen  nothing  that  I 
might  not  have  seen  at  any  little  country  town ; 
but  upon  my  return  I  became  the  Sir  Oracle  of 
the  settlement,  and  my  wondrous  stories  of  ships 
and  steamboats,  theatres  and  circuses,  made  all 
our  good  neighbors  open  their  ears  and  eyes,  very 
widely  indeed.  In  fact,  I  told  my  tales  so  often 
and  so  well,  that  I  finally  became  impressed  with 
their  truth  myself. 

"  When  I  came  of  age,  my  father,  having  made 
a  good  crop,  and  sold  it  at  a  good  price,  deter- 
mined to  send  my  brother  and  myself  to  Mobile, 
to  see  a  little  of  the  world.  The  old  gentleman, 
at  our  departure,  cautioned  me  to  keep  a  sharp 


63  AN   EPISODE. 

look-out  for  John,  who,  as  he  was  pleased  to  re- 
mark, had  none  of  my  experience  to  depend  upon, 
and  it  would  have  amused  you  to  have  witnessed 
the  gravity  with  which  I  accepted  the  important 
trust. 

"  Having  arrived  safely  at  Montgomery,  and 
put  up  our  horses  at  the  inn,  we  strolled  down  to 
the  landing,  and  when  we  reached  the  edge  of  the 
bluff,  John  started  back  in  amazement. 

"  '  c/6-rusalem !'  cried  he.     "  What's  that  V 

"Although  the  sight  was  as  new  to  me  as  to 
him  ;  yet  having  some  half-formed  ideas  upon  the 
subject,  I  replied  with  great  confidence: 

"  '  Pshaw  !  nothing  but  a  steamboat.' 

"  '  And  those  monstrous  tall  black  things  grow- 
ing right  out  of  her,'  he  continued! 

"'Boilers,'  I  answered  laconically.  ^Come, 
let's  go  on  board.' 

"  On  board  we  went,  and  just  as  we  were  pass- 
ing behind  the  real  boilers,  the  engineer  must 
needs  try  their  water.  Whiz-iz-iz  whistled  the 
steam,  almost  in  my  very  ears.  Stunned  and  be- 
wildered by  the  unwonted  racket,  I  caught  John 
by  the  collar,  and  dashed  overboard,  with  great 
presence  of  mind,  dragging  him  with  me.  Fortu- 
nately, the  escapade  was  witnessed  by  quite  a 
crowd  of  spectators.  We  were  rescued  from  the 
water,  and  the  alligators  lost  a  choice  supper. 


A   GBEAT   TRAVELLER.  63 

"  '  What  under  heaven  !'  sputtered  •  John,  as 
soon  as  the  water  he  had  taken  in  would  permit 
him,  '  what  under  heaven  was  the  matter  V 

"  '  Matter  !'  exclaimed  I,  *  matter  enough  ;  don't 
you  know  that  the  boiler  has  bursted,  and  we  are 
the  only  ones  saved  ?" 

"The  guffaw  from  the  bystanders,  and  as  I 
turned  round,  the  sight  of  the  steamer  majestic  as 
ever,  sent  me  to  the  right-about  in  double  quick 
time. 

"Poor  John  had  enough  both  of  sight-seeing 
and  of  my  experience,  and  left  for  home  next 
morning;  but  I,  smoothing  my  ruffled  feathers 
for  the  next  wind-mill  encounter,  took  passage  for 
Mobile. 

"You  will  perhaps  think  that  my  adventure 
would  have  cured  me  of  smartness,  but  not  a  bit 
of  it.  On  the  passage  down  the  river  I  fell  in 
with  a  pleasant,  chatty  stranger,  and  in  five  min- 
utes we  were  the  best  friends  in  the  world.  lie 
did  not  pretend  to  quite  as  extended  a  knowledge 
of  matters  and  things  in  general  as  I  did,  but 
knew  enough  to  keep  himself  and  me  also,  from 
falling  into  various  pleasant  games  proposed  for 
our  amusement  by  certain  finely-dressed  gentlemen 
on  board,  who  had  taken  a  violent  fancy  to  me, 
upon  first  sight.  One  night  my  '  fidus  Achates ' 
and  I  were  conversing  of  the  approaching  plea- 


64  AN    EPISODE. 

siires  we  were  to  enjoy  at  Mobile,  and  in  his  cata- 
logue, the  certainty  of  obtaining  a  full  supply  of 
oysters  stood  in  the  front  rank. 

"  '  I  can  eat  more  oysters  than  any  live  man,' 
said  he. 

"  'Now,  I  had  no  idea  what  an  oyster  was, 
whether  fish  or  flesh,  biped,  quadruped,  or  no 
'  ped '  at  all ;  but  it  would  not  do  for  me  to  be 
distanced  upon  any  track,  and  so  replied,  without 
a  moment's  hesitation,  '  I  can  beat  you,  and  never 
try.' 

u  i  ^e'll  have  a  supper  together,'  said  he,  *  and 
the  one  who  "  caves  "  first  shall  pay  the  shot.' 

"  We  had  the  supper,  and  /paid  the  shot,  and 
got  pretty  well  shot  in  the  bargain.  Thus  it  fell 
out.  On  our  first  night  in  Mobile,  we  adjourned 
from  the  theatre  to  an  oyster  saloon. 

"  '  How  will  you  take  them,'  said  he. 

"  As  I  did  not  know  what  I  was  to  take,  how  I 
was  to  take  it  was  rather  a  puzzle,  but  there  was 
one  thing  I  would  have  come  down  handsome  to 
have  taken,  and  that  was  the  '  'shute.' 

"  *  Any  way  you  do,'  replied  I  at  length. 

"  He  ordered  a  dozen  raw,  to  be  followed  by  a 
stew  and  a  fry,  and  accompanied  by  champagne 
and  brandy. 

"  If  you  have  a  very  powerful  imagination  you 
may  perhaps  conceive  of  the  horror  with  which  I 
viewed  my  dozen  'raw.'     If  they  had  killed  me 


A   PAIR   OF   OYSTER    "  RAKES."  65 

I  would  have  eaten  them  every  one,  and  nearly 
kill  me  they  did,  for  the  only  way  that  I  could 
induce  any  one  of  the  dozen  to  remain  quiet  and 
not  revisit  the  earth,  was  by  pouring  down  the 
brandy  and  water.  I  reversed  the  order  of  things 
and  'laid'  them  with  'spirits.'  My  friend  won- 
dered at  my  unaccustomed  thirst,  but  southern 
courtesy  demanded  that  he  should  keep  up  with 
me,  neck  and  neck,  and  so  he  did.  Next  came 
the  champagne,  which  did  its  work  pretty  effect- 
ually, and,  although  of  the  remainder  of  our 
doings  I  was  rather  oblivious  at  the  time,  yet  the 
full  particulars  of  our  performance  appeared  in 
the  bills  next  morning — as  the  newspapers  say — 
and  I  learned  that,  fatigued  with  our  unusual  ex- 
ertions, we  had  been  deposited  with  great  care  on 
what  might  be  called  two  oyster-beds,  in  the  room 
above,  where  we  passed  the  night  in  performing 
the  Cataract  of  Niagara.  My  friend  played  the 
American  side,  and  I  the  Canada  shore,  which 
was  not  at  all  surprising,  since  seeing  the  Tohle 
Rock  was  among  our  last  reminiscences. 

"  The  bill  was  pretty  solid,  but  I  paid  it  and  it 
cured  me." 

Now,  some  men  will  not  be  cured,  and  Captain 
Job  was  one  of  them.  In  contracting  for  his 
Boston  voyage,  he  had  been  guilty  of  one  smart 
thing,  and  he  was  fated  to  do  one  or  two  more 
before  he  sought  the  balmy  god,  that  night. 


CHAPTEK  XL     ' 

THE    "bEAg"    city,   AND   A   QUEER   CUPID. 

Theke  is  a  certain  city  in  the  Realm  of  Down- 
East  known  as  the  American  Athens,  but  in  reality 
a  cis-atlantic  Rome — albeit  not  an  over-safe  place 
for  a  stranger  to  roam  in — whence,  as  you  may 
have  heard,  a  member  of  the  State  Legislature — 
one  of  the  archaeval  species — after  a  week's  pere- 
grination in  the  streets,  returned  to  his  astonished 
constituents  and  informed  them  how  he  had  wan- 
dered up  and  down  in  this  modern  labyrinth  until 
the  bread  and  cheese  provided  by  uxorial  care 
was  exhausted,  and,  not  having  been  able  to  dis- 
cover the  State  House,  came  home  -again,  deter- 
mined in  future  to  attend  to  the  res  angustce  domi 
and  leave  the  affairs  of  the  nation  to  abler  geogra- 
phers than  himself,  assuring  them,  in  the  very 
spirit  of  the  astute  Mrs.  Glass,  that  in  order  to 
obtain  a  seat  in  the  said  house,  it  was  fii-st  indis- 
pensably necessary  to  catch  it,  evidently  having 
an  impression  upon  his  mind  that  it  was  of  a 
perambulating,  evanescent,  and  transitory  nature, 


A  "  fine"  city.  67 

very  like  ^to  the  glory  to  be  acquired  therein ; 
where  the  streets  go  rambling  up  and  down  in  a 
vague,  irregular,  unsatisfactory,  and  dissipated 
manner,  wheresoever  they  list,  as  somebody  has 
said  of  our  volunteers ;  where  opposite  houses  are 
upon  such  intimate  terms  that  if  they  had  any 
Jack  Spratical  propensity  to  lean,  they  would  be 
sure  to  salute  d  la  Grecque^  by  touching  noses ; 
where  a  man  is  fined  two  dollars  for  smoking  a 
cigar,  and  one  for  using  his  handkerchief  pub- 
licly ;  and,  in  fine,  where  a  certain  hallucination 
of  the  mind  is  prevalent  among  the  inhabitants, 
causing  them  to  regard  their  strangely  jumbled 
up  little  town  as  the  moral  and  intellectual  centre 
of  the  universe. 

This  celebrated  city,  situated  in  lat.  42°  23', 
long.  5°  55',  is  bounded  upon  one  side  by  Bunker 
Hill  Monument,  on  the  others  by  a  delightful 
series  of  flats  and  marshes,  and  is  generally  known 
to  the  travelling  world  from  an  excellent  inn  and 
cheap  coach-fares  to  be  met  with  there. 

Consult  the  maps,  and  you  will  find  the  name 
recorded  as  "  Boston."  Ask  the  inhabitants,  and 
they  will  inform  you  it  is  "  Bosting ;"  and  the 
latter  term  is  probably  correct,  being  derived  from 
the  well-known  propensity  for  boasting,  with  which 
the  citizens  are  afflicted. 

To  historians,   however,  it   and   the  adjacent 


68      THE    "  brag"  city,  and  a  queer  CIJPrD. 

country  are  well  known,  from  the  fact  that  the 
Revolutionary  discord  commenced  at  Concord.  A 
considerable  disturbance  was  bred  upon  Breed's 
hill,  and  the  British  army  completely  sewed  up, 
were  finally  so  hem'd  in  that  Howe  was  sadly 
puzzled  how  to  get  away,  for  Washington  would 
offer  no  battle  gage  to  the  General  of  that  name, 
but  engaged  famine  in  his  service  to  save  his  gun- 
powder.    This  has  been  called  a  Fabian"^  policy, 

*  Nota  Bean-y. — The  printer  begs  to  lay  before  the  reader  the 
following  triangular,  but  interesting,  correspondence : 

Printer  to  Publisher  :  Dear  Sir, — I  beg  to  inquire,  in  a  respect- 
ful manner,  if,  in  your  opinion,  the  author  intends  to  derive  "  Fabian'' 
from  "/aba" — Lat.:  a  bean  :  if  such  be  the  case,  the  compositor  in- 
timates a  strong  desire  that  it  might  be  in  his  power  to  sentence 
the  author  to  the  galleys,  instead  of  putting  his  sentences  therein; 
and  our  head-devil,  who  reads  to  me  at  present,  informs  me  that 
his  mother  supposed  my  office  to  be  a  reputable  place — rather  a 
school  for  good  morals  than  otherwise — and  that,  upon  the  whole, 
he  thinks  of  leaving  next  Saturday,  if  his  wages  be  not  advanced. 
Yours,  respectfully,  C. 

Publisher  to  Author. — Mr.  R.  encloses  the  within  note  from  the 
Printer,  and  desires  Mr.  P.  to  remember  that  this  is  a  Republican 
country,  where  classical  allusions  are  not  generally  understood,  and 
poor  puns  not  properly  appreciated ;  he  also  requests  Mr.  P. 
in  future  to  mind  his  eye,  as  well  as  his  P's  and  Q's,  and,  in  conclu- 
sion, begs  a  categorical  reply  to  Mr.  C.'s  question. 

Author  to  Both. — Mr.  P.  begs  to  inform  Messrs.  C.  &  R. 
that  the  Lat.  "faba,"  and  the  Fr.  "  feve,"  both  signify  bean,  but 
regrets  that  they  (Messrs.  C  &  R.)  should  have  been  in  a  fever 
about  it,  and  begs  to  relate  a  small  anecdote  touching  the  point 
proposed. 

Some  years  since,  it  was  the  writer's  fortune  to  attend  a  per- 


CAPTAIN   PARKER.  69 

probably  because  the  English  were  reduced  to  a 
diet  of  beans.  The  Bostonians  having  suffered 
from  short  commons  then,  have  been  noted  for 
their  long  Commons  ever  since.  To  "  Young 
America's  "  illuminati,  the  city  is  endeared  by  the 
burning  of  one  Abbey,  (a  Catholic  one)  the  shining 
light  of  another,  (Abby  Kelley)  and  the  railing 
and  pulling-up-railing  propensities  of  the  Rever- 
end Captain  Theodore  Parker,  who,  to  rescue  a 
runaway  scamp  about  to  be  sent  back  to  justice 

and  to  his  master, 
< 

"  Marched  at  tlie  head  of  half  a  dozen  men 
Down  to  the  -wharf  and  then  marched  back  again." 

Squire  Divine  Underwood  having  discovered 
that  his  corn,  phenix-like,  arose  strongly  and  lus- 

formance  of  the  veteran  magician  M.  Adrien,  given  at  the  St. 
Louis  Theatre.  The  old  Professor  was  the  same  as  ever,  the  tricks 
the  same,  the  wondering  but  accommodating  lady,  who  furnished 
handkerchiefs,  and  the  obliging  strangers,  who  so  readily  assisted 
the  performer,  were  the  identical  personages  that  had  before 
appeared  in  New  York.  The  translator,  however,  had  been  trans- 
lated, and  another  filled  his  place. 

In  the  course  of  the  performance,  M.  Adrien  produced  a  bag  of 
beans,  and  remarked,  "  Mesdames,  et  Messieurs !  voigi  des  feves 
je  crois,  Mesdames,  qui  vous  connais  bien  les  feves."  The  drago- 
man, with  a  bow,  excessively  French,  translated :  "  Ladeese  and 
Shentellmen !  Mistaire  Adrien  say,  dese  is  bean ;  he  spose  all  de 
ladeese  know  bean." 

Trusting  that  Messrs.  C.  &  R,  are  blessed  with  a  similar  amount 
of  knowledge,  Mr.  P.  begs  that  if  his  book  does  not  suit,  they  will 
write  it  themselves,  and  remain,  as  ever,  P.  P. 


70       THE    "brag"    city,   AND   A   QUEER   CUPID. 

tily  from  a  bed  of  ashes,  had  for  many  years  caused 
cargoes  of  them  to  be  procured  at  New- York ;  but 
finding  of  late  too  liberal  an  admixture  of  the  resi- 
due of  anthracite  coal  among  them,  and  knowing 
that  the  ashes  of  the  grate,  however  useful  in  caus- 
ing monumental  shafts  to  shoot  upwards  and  pierce 
the  heavens,  were  not  exactly  the  thing  for  '^  Zea 
Maiz,"  and  chancing  to  hear  that  the  antediluvian 
mode  of  employing  to  advantage  the  latent  caloric 
existing  in  cordwood,  was  yet  in  practice  at  Bos- 
ton, girded  up  his  loins,  and  taking  his  purse  in 
his  hand,  set  forth  for  the  latter  place.  He  pur- 
chased a  quantity  of  the  desired  commodity,  to  be 
delivered  at  a  certain  day  to  any  vessel  he  might 
choose  to  dispatch.  If  no  Bay  Harbor  craft  should 
arrive  at  the  proper  time,  the  ashes  were  to  be 
forwarded  to  him,  at  a  certain  price  per  bushel, 
which  would  amount  in  the  aggregate,  to  some- 
thing near  one  hundred  dollars. 

Hinc  illcB  lachrymcB. 

"We  left  Job  wending  his  way  homeward,  im- 
mersed in  sober  thought,  although  far  from  sober 
himself ;  for  in  order  to  prove  that  he  was  man 
enough  not  only  to  make  the  Boston  trip,  but  to 
drive  a  good  bargain  with  Squire  Divine — quite 
as  serious  a  matter — he  had  got  a  little  above 
proof. 


JOB   DOUBLES   THE   HORN.  71 

The  old  sailor,  far  from  a  drunkard,  neverthe- 
less held  fimly  to  the  maxim  that  every  Jack 
should  have  his  gill,  and  have  it  too  at  regular  in- 
tervals. 

A  certain  quantity  manifestly  improved  his  tem- 
per ;  but  if  too  large  or  too  frequent  libations  car- 
ried him  over  the  line,  they  did  not  accord  very 
harmoniously,  but  rendered  him  especially  surly 
and  so  dogmatic  that  he  was  not  only  ready  to 
bark,  but  also  to  bite.  The  last  drink  at  the  store, 
and  an  especially  stiff  horn  that  he  tossed  off  to 
bind  his  bargain  with  Underwood,  had  completely 
tossed  A^m,  and  although  on  the  same  side  of  the 
harbor  as  his  house,  he  was  certainly  quite  over 
the  Bay. 

At  the  precise  moment  that  he  left  the  Squire's 
house,  a  gentleman  known  as  yet  to  our  readers 
only  by  name,  was  quitting  his  own.  The  dying 
twilight  and  an  occasional  radiance  glowing  around 
the  bowl  of  a  short  pipe,  rendered  half  perceptible 
a  red  face,  red  nose,  huge  red  lips  turned  almost 
wrong  side  out,  and  the  usual  number  of  twinkling 
reddish  eyes ;  the  charming  tout  ensemble  being 
framed  in  with  a  coarse  palm  hat,  painted  of  a 
fiery  brick  color,  and  met  at  a  particularly  raw- 
beef  looking  pair  of  ears,  by  bushy  whiskers  of  a 
most  undoubted  carroty  hue,  which  completed  the 
picture.     The  person  of  Mr.  Th.addeus  Mulligan — 


72        THE    "  brag"   city,    and   a   queer   CUPID. 

vulgo  Teddy — was  invested  with  no  vest  at  all, 
but  a  velveteen  roundabout  that  would  not  go  half 
round,  and  whose  buttons  entirely  declined  an  in- 
troduction to  the  button-holes,  a  hickory  shirt,  and 
three-fourths  of  a  pair  of  duck  breeches,  greatly  in 
need  of  ducking,  and  well  fringed  at  the  bottom, 
with  the  aforesaid  hat  and  whiskers,  were  his 
only  covering. 

Accoutred  as  he  was,  certainly  no  one  would 
have  taken  him  for  a  Cupid,  and  although  between 
wliiffs  he  sought  by  a  musical  stave  to  stave  otf 
melancholy  and  was  evidently  of  a  mercurial  dis- 
position, he  but  little  resembled  a  messenger  of 
the  gods.     And  yet  his  business  was  of  love. 

Things  had  been  progressing  from  bad  to  worse 
with  poor  Mary,  and,  being  convinced  that  they 
had  come  to  a  crisis,  after  shedding  a  few  tears, 
she  wiped  her  eyes,  nerved  herself  for  the  strug- 
gle, sent  Aunt  Keziah  off  to  spend  the  evening, 
and  Teddy  with  a  note  to  the  widow  Flint's,  con- 
veying to  Master  Harry  the  intelligence  that  the 
coast  was  clear,  her  father  certainly  out  for  the 
next  three  hours,  and  that  she  desired  to  see  him 
upon  pressing  business. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE  VERY  DETCE  TO  PAY JOB  PEOPOSES  TO  THE  MAID, 

BUT,  SALUTES  THE  WIDOW. 

Fate  so  willed  it,  that  just  as  the  widow's  door 

closed  upon  Teddy,  the  Captain  hove  in  sight ; 

and,  spying  a  friendly  sail  entering  the  enemy's 

harbor ;  being  incited  by  curiosity  and  the  hope 

of  getting  a  peep  through  the  windows,  he  tacked 

right-about,  which,  under  the  press  of  sail  he  was 

carrying,  was  rather  a  dangerous  experiment,  and 

he  found  it  so.      First  he  gave  a  tremendous  lee 

lurch,  then  a  violent  pitch  ahead,  as  if  he  would 

go  down   bow  foremast   and   all   standing,  then 

righting  a  little,  he  shifted  his  helm  and  payed  off; 

but  the  wind  clianged,  he  was  fairly  in  irons,  and 

would  have  gone  over  on  his  beam-ends,  had  not 

one  of  his  grapples  fastened  to  a  wagon  that  was 

fastened  to  a  horse,  that  stood  fasting,  fastened  to 

the  fence.     His  other  hand  now  was  directed  to 

the  friendly  wagon,  but  missing  the  hind-board,  it 

went  over  and  came  in  contact  with  something  in 
4 


74:  THE   VERY   DEUCE   TO    PAY. 

a  bag  that  felt  very  queerly  and  made  a  singular 
noise.  Job  was  just  tipsy  enough  to  be  very  in- 
quisitive, and  so  he  went  to  work  fumbling  about 
the  mouth  of  the  bag,  when  suddenly  a  large 
white  turkey  flapped  in  his  face,  and,  giving  a 
farewell  squeak,  flew  up  the  road.  The  sight  and 
the  fright  almost  sobered  Job.  He  shook  his  fist 
at  the  departing  bird,  then  shook  his  fist  at  the 
horse,  and  finally  made  a  critical  examination  of 
the  wagon,  which  proved  to  be  the  very  one  that 
had  been  in  the  shed  at  the  store,  and  in  which  he 
had  seen  Harry  riding  that  afternoon.  Having 
apparently  satisfied  himself,  he  hesitated  a  mo- 
ment as  if  about  to  enter  the  house,  then  turning 
again,  set  forth  for  home. 

ISTo  other  accidents  occurring  to  our  mariner,  he 
was  soon  comfortably  seated  in  his  own  cottage, 
and  Mary  had  just  taken  his  hat  and  brought  his 
pipe,  when  the  door  opened,  and  there  stood  mas- 
ter Harry  Flint,  quite  as  large  as  life,  and  about 
as  much  amazed  at  the  Captain's  presence  as  was 
the  Captain  at  Harry's  visit. 

At  length  Job  arose,  and  steadying  himself  by 
the  back  of  his  chair,  demanded, 

"  Well,  what  the  d — 1  do  you  want  now  ?" 

What  did  he  want?  That  was  exactly  what 
Harry  did  not  mean  to  own,  but  after  beating  about 


JOB   USES   BAD   LANGUAGE.  YS 

his  brain  for  a  feasible  answer,  he  finally  made 
the  very  worst  one  possible. 

"  Mother  wants  to  get  a  pair  of  white  turkeys, 
Captain,  and  I  came  up  to  see  if  I  could  buy  them 
of  you  ?"  replied  Harry. 

"  Buy  'em,  you  scamp !  steal  'em,  you  mean. 
No,  sir,  you  shan't  neither  buy  nor  steal  anybody's 
white  turkeys.  Blow, me,  if  you  shall  have  a 
white  turkey  anyway." 

"  But  I  will,  though,"  retorted  Harry,  really 
angry.  *'  We'll  see  if  no  man  in  Bay  Harbor  can 
have  white  fowls  but  yourself." 

"  If  you  do,"   shouted    Job,    "  I'll  be  " 

Wh^t  he  would  be,  or  whft  he  would  have  been, 
is  hidden  among  the  undeveloped  mysteries,  along 
with  the  man  with  the  iron  mask,  and  sundry 
others,  for  Mary  at  this  time  clapped  her  hand 
over  his  mouth,  and  begged  Harry  "  to  go,  for  her 
sake." 

Leaving  the  Captain  to  rage  as  he  pleases,  and 
Mary  to  pacify  him  if  she  can,  let  me  furnish  a 
key  to  a  part  of  the  former's  conduct,  so  espe- 
cially unbecoming  in  one  of  his  name. 

The  sale  of  eggs  and  poultry  from  his  own  lit- 
tle farm  had  been  no  slight  source  of  profit  to 
Job ;  but  although  his  neighbors  were  as  honest 
as  people  in  general  often  get  to  be,  yet  from  time 
to  time  certain  of  his  hens  and  chickens,  turkeys 


76  THE    VERY     DEUCE    TO    PAY. 

and  geese,  with  souls  above  barnyards,  and  ink- 
lings towards  cosmopolitanism,  ^voiild  start  off 
upon  their  travels,  and  occasionally  assist  in  the 
foundation  of  some  other  colony,  whereby  a  cor- 
responding diminution  of  his  gains  occurred. 

A  bright  idea  visited  him  one  day.  He  sold  off 
his  entire  feathered  stock,  ''  lock,  stock,  and  bar- 
rel," and  invested  the  money  in  others,  of  a  purely 
white  breed,  easily  to  be  recognized  when  they 
played  truant.  If,  by  any  accident,  a  white  bird 
broke  another  man's  egg-shell  in  his  vicinity,  have 
it  Job  would,  by  fair  means  or  foul.  If  he  could 
not  buy  it,  he  killed  it  unintentionally,  and  then 
paid  any  moderate  pnce  demanded  for  the  dam- 
age. 

The  discovery  of  the  white  turkey  in  the  wagon, 
and  the  unfortunate  offer  of  Harry  to  purchase  a 
jDair,  had  excited  his  anger  to  the  utmost  pitch, 
for  he  saw  in  both,  not  only  an  attempt  to  rob 
him,  but  a  design  to  commit  other  peculations 
with  impunity. 

The  first  thing  our  imfortunate  sailor  did,  upon 
Harry's  departure,  was  to  sink  back  into  his  chair 
exhausted  with  passion,  the  next,  to  call  for  the 
bottle  of  rum  and  a  glass,  and  having  lighted  his 
pipe,  he  sat  in  gloomy  silence,  drinking  as  if  he 
had  a  design  to  commit  suicide,  and  puffing  as 


KEZIAH   DELIVERS   A   LECTURE.  77 

thoiigli  he  would  conyert  his  cottage  into  a  smoke- 
house. 

The  door  opened,  and  Aunt  Keziah  entered. 

"  Why,  la,  Captain  Priest,"  were  the  spinster's 
first  words,  "  they  do  say  you're  a  going  to  Boston. 
It  cant  be  so,  is  it  ?"  ^ 

"  Yes,"  grunted  the  Captain. 

"  Why,  father !  really  going  to  Boston  ?"  in- 
quired Mary. 

"  I — tell — you — ^yes  !"  thundered  out  Job,  as  if 
each  word  were  a  stake,  and  he  was  driving  it  in. 

"  Oh,  dear  father,  take  me  with  you,"  said 
Mary ;  but  in  an  instant  the  thoughts  of  Harry 
came  into  her  mind,  and  she  wound  up  with,  "  oh, 
no,  I  don't  want  to  go,  I'm  afraid." 

Job's  reply  was  characteristic. 

"  Shan't  do  it,"  said-  he,  to  the  first  part  of  his 
daughter's  speech,  and  then  immediately  added, 
by  way  of  reply  to  the  next,  "  But  I  will,  though. 
Don't  catch  me  leaving  you  here  for  that  scoun- 
drel to  run  away  with." 

Aunt  Keziah  now  thought  it  quite  time  to  open 
her  batteries,  and  accordingly  commenced  her  fire 
with,  "  I've  talked  and  talked  to  her.  Captain  Job, 
about  that  greasy  sailor  fellow,  but  it's  no  sort  of 
use,  she's  agoing  to  demean  herself:  she  won't 
mind  you,  and  don't  care  for  me." 

"  I  do  mind  father,"  retorted  Mary,  "  and  I  do 


78  ,  THE   VERY   DEUCE    TO    PAY. 

care  for  you,  as  much  as  you  let  me  ;  you  torment 
my  life  out,  and  expect  me  to  love  you  for  it." 

"  Torment  you  !"  screamed  Keziah,  "how  dare 
you  say  so.  I'm  as  tender  as  a  mother  to  you, 
and  if  I  only  had  a  mother's  power,  I'd  make  you 
stipthat  nasty  scamp." 

"  How  da-are  you  say  so-o,"  sobbed  poor  Mary ; 
"  if  you  were  half  as  good  and  as  kind  as  he  is, 
you  would  make  me  happy,  and  not  miserable. 
Thank  heaven,  you  have  not  a  mother's  power 
over  me,  and  if  you  had  I  wouldn't  mind  you — no 
one  could  make  me." 

"  No  one  make  ye  ?"  demanded  Job,  who 
thought  it  high  time  to  put  in  his  oar,  and  put 
down  the  mutiny.  "  INTo  one  make  ye  ?  I'd  make 
you — ^if  I  choose  to  marry  her  what  business  is 
that  of  yours,  eh  ?" 

"  No,  no,  father,  anything  but  that,"  shrieked 
the  excited  girl;  "you  will  not,  you  cannot,  you 
dare  not,"  and  down  came  a  plump  little  foot  pat 
on  the  floor. 

"  Darsent !"  roared  the  Captain  ;  "  but  by  the 
living  jingo'  I  will,  though,  whether  she'll  have 
me  or  not.  Now  you  see  what  you  get  by  stump- 
ing me,  don't  ye  V 

What  Keziah  would  have  said,  whether  she 
would  have  coyed  it,  or  fairly  jumped  at  the  offer 
that  she  had  been  fishing  for  ever  since  her  half- 


79 

sister's  death ;  how  Mary  would  have  acted,  and 
in  what  manner  the  devoted  Job — the  victim  of 
never  taking  "  stumps  "■ — would  have  conducted 
himself  towards  his  suddenly  intended,  is  a  matter 
that  can  never  be  revealed,  for  at  that  instant  a 
terrific  scream  was  heard  near  the  door,  and  then 
a  succession  of  them  appeared  to  be  going  up  the 
road  with  great  velocity. 

Within  the  house  all  was  hushed  fbr  a  moment, 
and  Job  demanded, 

"What's  that?" 

"  Our  old  white  gobler,"  replied  Keziah,  ''  I 
know  it  is,  I  saw  him  roosting  on  the  plum-tree  as 
I  came  in." 

"Then  by  the  living  jingo,"  exclaimed  Job, 
"  I'll  have  him,  and  the  thief  too  ;"  and  catching 
up  a  double-barreled  gun  that  hung  over  the 
mantel-piece,  he  seized  his  hat,  swallowed  half  a 
glass  of  "  E"ew  England  "  neat,  and  dashed  out  of 
the  door  in  hot  pursuit  of  thief  and  turkey. 

We  say  that  a  man  when  intoxicated  is  one  be- 
side himself,  and  with  some  show  of  truth ;  for, 
let  him  arrive  at  a  certain  latitude  upon  the  map 
of  Bacchus,  he  will  see  for  two,  his  tongue  and 
words  are  doubled,  and  as  for  walking,  he  travels 
for  half  a  dozen. 

As  Job  ran  up  the  road,  the  screams  of  the  tur- 
key were  heard  at  intervals,  becoming  small  by 


80  THE   VERY   DEUCE    TO    PAY. 

degrees  and  beautifully  less,  until  they  faded 
away  in  the  distance,  or  from  some  reason  ceased 
altogether,  and  sadly  fuddled  though  our  hero 
was,  he  had  sense  enough  left  to  give  up  the 
chase,  but  gave  it  up  only  to  beard  the  enemy  in 
his  den. 

Eeturning  home  with  steps  doubly  uncertain, 
from  the  combined  effects  of  too  little  light  and 
too  much  liquor,  he  took  another  stiff  glass  to  so- 
ber him,  and  shouldering  his  gun  again,  left  with- 
out a  word,  with  the  intention  of  carrying  the 
fortress  of  the  Flints  by  assault. 

The  widow  Flint  had  just  dropped  into  a  com- 
fortable slumber,  when  an  outrageous  racket 
awoke  her,  and  jumping  up  she  opened  the  win- 
dow and  cried  out,  ^'  Why,  Harry,  is  that  you, 
what  makes  you  so  late  ?" 

An  upturned  head  was  just  visible,  emitting  a 
terrible  uproar,  but  giving  no  intelligible  answer, 
and  the  widow  demanded,  "  Who  is  that  V 

"I  want  my  t-^c<?WJ?-urkey,"  said  the  voice. 

"I  havn't  got  your  tipukurkey,"  replied  the 
widow.     "  I  never  had  one  in  all  my  life." 

"  I  want  my  tnr-icGup-urkej,  Harry  st-iccup- 
ole,"  came  from  below. 

"  Well,"  retorted  the  widow,  "  what  if  Harry 
did  stick  a  pole,  I've   got  a  right  to  raise  beans,  I 


JOB   PUT  TO  BED.  '  81 

"By  the  l-iccup-mg,^^  returned  the  voice,  "I 
will  have  tnrk-iccup.^^ 

"  'No  you  won't  have  to  kick  up,  you've  kicked 
up  enough  ;  go  away,  drunken  man,  or  Harry  will 
come,  and  then  he'll  whale  you,"  replied  the 
widow,  half  angry,  and  entirely  frightened. 

"  I  say  he  st-iccup — "  Bang,  bang  !  at  this 
juncture  went  Job's  companion,  the  double-barrel, 
which  probably  deeming  it  had  kept  silence  long 
enough,  now  improved  the  opportunity  to  put  in 
a  few  words  in  season,  and  in  so  doing  imitated  its 
owner's  compound  form  of  speech. 

A  gun  has  two  ends,  and  one  of  them  caused 
Job's  to  come  m  violent  and  unceremonious  con- 
tact with  a  large  bed  of  "  ragged  sailors " — the 
widow's  pet  flowers. 

Having  fired  off  my  evening  gun,  planted  my 
hero,  and  put  him  safely  to  bed,  I  will  also  bring 
my  chapter  to  an  end. 

4* 


.    CHAPTER  XIII. 

WHICH  HAS  NOTHING  TO  DO  WITH  THE  HISTORY,  BUT 
CONTAINS  AN  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  IRISH  HUNGARIAN 
AND   THE   WRONG  BELL. 

If  any  one  of  my  readers  supposes  that  I  am 
compiling  tliis  veracious  history  simply  and  solely 
for  his  delectation  and  information,  then  the  said 
reader  is  most  egregiously  mistaken.  The  fact  of 
it  is,  that  I  am  writing  rather  more  for  my  own 
amusement,  than  that  of  any  one  else.  I  shall 
probably  work  away  at  my  story  like  a  good  fel- 
low when  the  fit  is  upon  me,  but  intend  to  have 
my  own  bit  of  fun,  and  quiet  joke  by  the  way, 
when  I  am  in  the  humor.  The  outsider  is  at  per- 
fect liberty  to  laugh  with  me  or  not,  just  as  he 
pleases,  although  it  may  be  better,  both  for  him 
and  the  publisher,  if  he  does. 

A  regular  author  now,  feels  his  duties  to  the 
public  sit  upon  his  pen  and  shoulders  in  a  very 
onerous  manner,  but  I  do  not  claim  to  belong  reg- 
ularly to  the  Guild. 


A  HUNGAKIAN   VOLUNTEER.  83 

Because  I  may  have  written  a  book  or  so  does 
not  necessarily  make  me  an  author.  Every  man, 
born  in  a  stable,  &c. 

I  need  not  have  borrowed  the  last,  however, 
having  a  much  better  illustration  of  the  point  pro- 
posed at  hand. 

During  the  late  Kossuth  excitement,  on  a  cold 
day  in  December,  I  was  sitting  very  composedly 
by  my  fire,  when  the  ofiice  door  opened,  and  in- 
continently entered  a  gentleman  whose  attire  was 
rather  more  picturesque  than  comfortable,  con- 
sidering that  the  thermometer  indicated  a  prox- 
imity to  zero.  He  was  probably  out  of  pocket, 
certainly  at  elbow,  and  not  in,  at  either  knees  or 
.  toes. 

From  beneath  a  tattered  caubeen,  and  be- 
tween a  fiery  pair  of  capacious  whiskers,  a  voice 
strongly  tinctured  with  the  rich  brogue  of  Mun- 
ster  informed  me  that  he  was  "  a  dishtreshed  Hun- 
gayrin,  in  sarch  av  worruk,  and  dacint  implay- 
mint  for  a  gintleman,  besides  a  change  av  dhress 
be  rason  av  the  could,  and  a  thrifle  to  kape  soul 
and  body  togither." 

"A  Hungarian!"  exclaimed  I  in  amazement. 
<-<-  Why,  my  friend,  excuse  me,  but  I  should  cer- 
tainly take  you  for  a  genuine  Patlander.  And  I 
must  say,  that  for  a  Magyar,  you  certainly  speak 
Munster  remarkably  well." 


84      THE  IRISH  HUNGARIAN  AND  THE  WRONG  BELL. 

"  I'm  jist  aftlier  jining  the  counthry,"  was  his 
reply  ;  "and  I'll  have  the  thrue  dialict. quite  con- 
vanient  intirely,  whin  me  hair  lip's  well  grown, 
for  I'm  tould,  yer  Honor,  ye  cannot  discorse  pure 
Hungarin  widout  it." 

Like  my  poor  friend,  I  also  have  but  just  "  jined 
the  country,"  and  must  further  add  that,  like  him 
again,  I  do  not  possess  that  peculiar  hirsute  em- 
bellishment now  universally  admitted  to  be  the 
mark ^ar  excellence  of  genius  and  of  mind. 

Poor  Job  all  this  time,  flat  upon  his  back,  is 
reclining  on  mother-earth.  He  helped  himself  to 
his  unenviable  position,  and  may  enjoy  it  until  it 
pleases  me  to  help  him  out  of  it. 

Meanwhile  let  us  moralize.  His  sad  accident 
was  all  the  result  of  pulling.  He  wanted  to  pull 
up  his  courage,  and  so  took  too  many  pulls  at  the 
bottle  to  effect  it,  became  both  careless  and  ner- 
vous, carelessly  pulled  up  both  hammei*s,  and 
nervously  pulled  down  both  triggers. 

This  pulling,  is  after  all  often  dangerous  busi- 
ness. The  countless  number  of  politicians  that 
are  safely  shelved  throughout  our  country,  from 
Maine  to  Mexico,  if  asked  the  reason  of  their 
rustication,  would  answer,  if  they  could  but  speak 
the  truth,  that  it  all  came  about  from  their  puUing 
the  wrong  wires. 

I  have  heard  a  story  of  pulling,  which,  as  many 


A   BUSY   BELL.  86 

of  my  readers  may  be  ignorant  of,  and  as  it  is 
worthy  of  telling,  also  being  myself  in  a  gossip- 
ing mood,  I  will  even  out  with  it. 

A  fine  western  steamer,  of  the  largest  class,  was 
ploughing  her  way  down  stream  with  a  "full 
head  "  on. 

The  time  was  early  morning ;  the  sun  had  not 
yet  cooled  his  fiery  beams  in  the  murky  waters  of 
the  Mississippi ;  few  of  the  passengers  were  astir ; 
and  the  .boat,  quiet  and  still,  save,  the  regular 
scream  from  her  iron-throat,  was  making  fine 
headway. 

Suddenly  the  engineer's  bell  rang  out  a  furious 
and  alarming  summons,  which,  being  translated 
into  the  vernacular,  meant, — •"  Slow  her !" 

The  man  of  steam  obeyed  the  mandate ;  and, 
with  his  hand  upon  the  lever,  awaited  anxiously 
the  next  call. 

It  soon  came,  and  louder  yet,  "  Stop  her !" 

"  Some  trouble  ahead,"  thought  the  engineer ; 
but  hardly  had  the  idea  passed  through  his  mind, 
when  the  busy  bell  again  pealed  forth, — 

"Back  her!'? 

Steam  was  let  on  in  an  instant,  and,  seizing  the 
lever,  the  man  commenced  working  the  engine  by 
hand ;  but  the  wheel  .had  not  yet  completed  the 
first  retrograde  revolution,  when  a  louder  tintin- 
nabulation tinkled  out  successively — 


86     THE  IKISH  HUNGAKIAN  AND   TilE  WRONG  BELL. 

"Go  ahead!" 

"Slow  her!"      - 

"Back  her!" 

«  Go  ahead !" 

Having  obeyed  the  command,  and,  supposing 
all  was  right  at  last,  the  man  quitted  his  post  for 
a  moment  and  stepped  out  upon  the  guards  to  see 
what  the  trouble  had  been,  when  suddenly  the 
ever-busy  bell  again  was  heard, — 

"Slow  her!" 

Before  he  could  put  his  hands  upon  the  screw, 
the  bell  again  ordered,  "  Stop  her !" — immediately 
after,  "Back  her!"  and  "  Go  ahead  !" 

Instead  of  going  ahead,  the  engineer  scratched 
his  own,  and  then  applying  his  mouth  to  the 
speaking-tube,  addressed  the  pilot  thus —  but  stop, 
let  us  turn  for  a  moment  to  the  pilot,  and  see  what 
was  going  on  in  his  dominions. 

This  gentleman  had  been  but  a  few  moments  at 
his  post,  and  was  not  fairly  awake  when  the 
bell  commenced  its  mysterious  operations,  but 
sleepy  as  he  was,  the  queer  antics  of  the  boat,  and 
the  strange  language  of  the  steam-pipe,  excited 
his  attention,  and  he  had  arrived  at  the  conclusion 
that  something  was  wrong,  at  the  same  moment 
that  the  identical  idea  had  forced  itself  upon  the 
engineer ;  so,  applying  his  mouth  to  his  end  of 


UP   AND   DOWN.  87 

the  tube,   the  following  remarks  went  up  and 
down  simultaneously : 


^..^ 


Having,  like  two  vessels  about  commencing  an 
engagement,  fired  these  shot  across  their  bows,  the 
twain  went  immediately  into  action  as  follows  : 

JPilot. — Who  told  yo'u  to  ''  stop  her  "  and  "  back 
her?" 

Engineer. — You  did ;  what  did  you  ring  the 
bell  for  twenty  times  ? 

Pilot. — You  must  be  a  nice  fellow  to  trust,  Mr. 
"  Kettles,"  to  get  drunk  before  sunrise.  Call  your 
mate  and  turn  in. 


00      THE  IRISH  HIJNaAEIAN  AND  THE  WKONG  BELL. 

Engineer. — Drunk!  Drunk  yourself— I  havn't 
had  a  drop — and  you're  just  lying  drunk — that's 
what  it  is. 

Pilot. — Look  here,  "  old  Kettles,"  hold  on  a  bit, 
and  I'll  be  down  on  you  like  a  thousand  of  brick. 

Engineer. — Don't  trouble  yourself  to  come  down. 
I'll  be  up  to  you  in  two  shakes,  and  then  we'll  see 
who's  drunk  and  who  is  not. 

Now  this  backing  and  filling  had  excited  the 
attention  of  officers  and  crew,  and  as  the  pilot 
and  engineer,  having  obtained  relief,  met  half 
way  down  on  the  "boiler-deck,"  captain  and 
clerk,  mate  and  steward,  barkeeper  and  cham- 
bermaid, all  hastened  to  the  same  post  of  obser- 
vation, and  ere  the  two  combatants  could  join 
issue,  they  were  seized  and  held,  and  an  investi- 
gation of  the  affair  was  entered  into. 

While  all  this  was  in  progress,  neither  boat  nor 
bell  had  been  touched,  but  the  same  singular  suc- 
cession of  orders  was  going  on,  and  the  two  as- 
sistants, above  and  below,  were  meditating  a 
little  affair  of  their  own,  when  that  of  their  prin- 
cipals had  been  satisfactorily  concluded. 

The  mystery  was  apparently  past  solution,  but 
the  captain  bethought  him  of  a  possible  cause, 
and  stepping  to  a  state-room,  in  the  "  social  hall," 
kicked  the  door  open,  and  there  stood  a  lanky 
young  Tennesseean  who  had  embarked  at  Mem- 


RINGING   rP   TKE   BOOTS.  89 

phis  the  previous  night,  very  actively  engaged  in 
jerking  at  a  cord  that  ran  through  his  room  in  the 
fui:ther  corner. 

Seizing  him  by  the  collar,  the  captain  demanded 
"  What  the  d— 1  are  you  about  ?"  • 

"  About  ?"  answered  the  Tennesseean,  "  why, 
don't  you  see  I'm  ringing  for  my  boots  V  ^ 

Pulling  the  wrong  cord,  that  was  all. 


CHAPTEK  XIY. 

A  CHAPTER   OF  ACCIDENTS. 

Job's  very  homogeneous  position,  among  the 
"ragged  sailors,"  although  not  exactly  a  senti- 
mental, was  decidedly  a  rum-antic  one.  The 
widow  at  the  window  above,  would  doubtless 
have  swooned  away,  had  there  been  any  time  to 
have  indulged  in  this  feminine  amusement ;  but 
as  there  was  not,  and  no  one  being  at  hand  to 
pick  her  up,  she  neither  fainted  nor  made  a  feint 
of  so  doing,  which  is  after  all  about  the  same 
thing. 

She  sprang  from  the  window,  paralyzed  for  a 
moment,  but  that  laudable  spirit  of  inquiry,  so 
eminently  characteristic  of  the  sex,  and  a  desire 
to  know  if  the  man  had  gone  off  as  well  as  his 
gun,  induced  her  return  to  her  post  of  obser- 
vation. 

As  she  peeped  out,  Job — a  wronged  man  in  his 
opinion — was  trying  to  right  himself,  or  rather 
to  rectify  his  position,  which — owing  to  the  quan- 


JOB   UP   AND   DOWN   AGAIN.  '9l 

titj  of  "  rectified  "  that  lie  contained,  was  no  easy- 
matter. 

Fear  came  to  his  aid.  This  ladj  is  sometimes 
poetically  said  to  lend  wings ;  she  lent  Job  legs, 
which  did  just  as  well,  for  the  Captain  being  of 
any  thing  but.  a  light  and  airy  build,  would  have 
made  rather  an  awkward  display  in  the  flying 
line,  and  must  certainly  have  met  with  a  most 
Icarian  tumble,  only  that  he  could  not  hSve 
effected  a  flight  lofty  enough  to  have  resulted  in 
a  very  dangerous  fall. 

Harry  Flint,  at  this  critical  moment,  made  his 
appearance  in  rather  a  hasty  manner ;  not  stop- 
ping to  open  the  gate,  he  leaped  over  it,  and 
rushed  at  the  top  of  his  speed  up  the  short  path 
that  led  to  the  house ;  the  widow,  perceiving  help 
to  be  at  hand  and  on  foot,  emitted  a  scream  that 
would  certainly  qualify  her  to  obtain  honorary 
membership  among  the  bevy  of  '^yeller  gals," 
renowned  in  Christy's  Minstrelsy,  and  the  Captain 
knowing,  from  sad  experience,  that  white  squalls 
are  often  succeeded  by  heavy  blows,  found  his 
legs  in  a  moment.  Angry  before,  but  compelled 
by  pressing  circumstances  to  take  a-fence  at  part- 
ing, he  clambered  over  it  somehow,  ran  across  a 
small  orchard,  as  only  a  tipsy  man  can  run,  sprang 
at  the  next  fence,  landed  on  top  of  it ;  and  down 
came  Job,  rails  and  all,  in  one  universal  crash, — 


92  A   CHAPTER  OF   ACCIDENTS. 

Job  getting  the  worst  of  it — with  most  of  the 
rails  upon  him. 

Having  performed  this  feat,  he  did  not  attempt 
to  regain  his  own,  but  determined  to  lie  there 
jyerdu^  until  the  storm  had  blown  over. 

Harry's  first  attention  was  directed  to  his  mo- 
ther, who,  like  an  antiquated  nightingale,  con- 
tinued to  pour  forth  her  sorrows  to  the  evening 
aii^  but  the  exercise  of  her  voice  did  not  prevent 
a  diligent  use  of  her  optics,  and  the  moon,  that 
had  hitherto  been  careering  thl-ough  clear  and 
cloud,  must  need  at  this  moment  to  meddle  in  the 
matter,  by  throwing  a  few  of  her  brightest  beams 
directly  upon  the  unfortunate  Job,  and  treacher- 
ously betraying  him,  under  the  pretence  of  light- 
ing his  path. 

"  There  he  is,"  screamed  the  widow,  as  Harry 
burst  into  the  room ;  "  there  he  is,  and  there  he 
goes  kolumpess,  fence  and  all,  right  by  the  big 
apple-tree.     Oh,  you  old  sinner  !    I  see  you  now." 

"  Who  is  ?  and  who  goes  ?  and  what  the 

(1  fear  that  Harry  used  a  very  improper  expres- 
sion just  where  I  have  put  the  dash  in)  is  the 
matter  ?"  asked  Harry. 

"  Oh,  Harry!"  cried  the  afflicted  matron,  "first 
he  come,  and  then  he  went  ofi" ;  no — his  gun  went 
oft",  and  then  you  come,  and  then  he  went,  and 


6II0T   IN   THE   CAP.  93 

there  he  goes  kalumpus  right  by  the  big  apple 
tree." 

"  Mother  !  mother  !"  said  Harry  "  are  you  crazy  ? 
do  you  know  what  you  are  saying  ?  tell  me  who 
has  been  here,  and  what  has  happened  ?" 

"  Ko,  no,  Harry,  I  ain't  crazy — but  I've  been  so 
awful  scared — only  think,  a  fellow  to  come  here 
drunk  at  this  time  of  night,  looking  for  turkies, 
and  then  to  shoot  at  your  poor  old  mother,  and 
to  fall  kalumpus  on  the  fence  by  the  old  apple 
tree.     Oh  dear !  oh  dear  me  !" 

"  By  the  old  apple  tree  ?"  asked  Harry. 

"  Yes,  Hy  the  old  apple  tree.  And  there  he  is 
now,  and  thinks  I  didn't  see  him,"  she  replied. 

"  And  you  are  not  hurt?  you  are  sure  youare 
not  hurt  ?"  demanded  the  son. 

"  No,  not  hurt  to  speak  on,  only  my  feelins  is 
awful  aggravated,  and  I'm  dreadful  decomposed, 
and  I  ain't  certain  but  some  of  the  shot  went 
through  my  nightcap,"  was  the  very  satisfactory 
answer. 

"Then,  Mary  or  no  Mary,  I'll  handle  him," 
cried  the  enraged  sailor,  and  off  he  went  as  hastily 
as  he  had  entered. 

"  Oh,  Harry  !"  shrieked  the  matron,  "  don't  go  ; 
he's  got  a  gun  that  goes  off,  and  powder  and  shot, 
and  ramrod,  and  bullets,  and  all  kinds  of  dreadful 
things,  and  he'll  shoot  you  first,  and  then  come 


94:  A    CHAPTEK   OF   ACCIDENTS. 

back  and  murder  your  poor  old  mother,  like's 
uot.'^ 

Harry,  however,  was  down  the  stairs,  over  the 
fence,  and  half-way  across  the  orchard,  before  the 
widow  had  finished  her  chapter  of  lamentations. 

He  had  been  first  woefully  chagrined  at  finding 
the  captain  at  home,  then  exceedingly  mortified  at 
his  very  cool  reception,  and  lastly,  irritated  to  the 
utmost  by  Job's  accusation  and  imputation. 

Coupling  Flint  and  steel  together  would  have 
produced  a  fire  in  a  moment  from  so  brisk  a  spark 
as  Harry,  but  the  rays  of  the  sun  extinguish  minor 
flames,  and  so  all  potent  love  had  put  a  damper 
upon  his  anger. 

'No  Mary  was  by  now  to  check  the  torrent  of  his 
wrath,  and  he  hastily  determined  that,  coute  qui 
coute,  whether  the  culprit  was  Job  or  not,  he 
should  feel  the  force  of  his  arm. 

For  some  unexplained  reason,  however,  the  moon 
that  had  hitherto  espoused  the  widow's  cause,  and 
exposed  Job's  whereabouts,  suddenly  and  without 
due  notice  went  over  to  the  enemy.  Perhaps, 
being  the  acknowledged  friend  of  Jovers,  she 
hastened  to  prevent  so  dire  a  catastrophe  to  a  pair 
of  them,  as  seemed  about  to  occur — perhaps,  the 
anger  that  had  been  excited  by  Job's  blazing 
away  full  in  her  face  was  allayed,  and  perhaps  she 
thought  better  of  it — but  perhaps,  or  not  perhaps. 


OFF-FENCE-IVE   POSITION.  95 

it  is  certain  that  when  Harrj  popped  his  head  out 
she  popped  her's  in,  and  not  behind  a  silvery, 
fleecy  cloud,  by  any  means,  but  chose  as  thick 
and  as  black  a  one  as  that  with  which  erst  she  veiled 
herself  when  mourning  for  master  Endymion. 

Harry  was  half  over  the  intervening  orchard 
before  he  became  fully  aware  of  the  intense  dark- 
ness, and  then  he  stopped  to  look  about  him,  or 
rather  to  make  the  attempt,  and  in  the  said  attempt 
he  lost  his  course  and  brought  up  against  the  fence 
in  quite  a  solid  manner — ^in  fact  his  head  com- 
ing in  contact  with  a  projecting  stake,  over  he 
went  backwards,  and  immediately  beheld  spread 
out  before  him  an  exten^ve  map  of  the  heavens, 
containing  a  great  many  stars  not  to  be  seen  with 
ordinary  telescopes. 

Job,  near  by,  heard  the  crash,  but  as  his  bones 
and  character  were — like  the  late  situation  of 
Harry's  head — "  at  stake,"  he  kept  quite  still,  and 
there  the  two  belligerents  lay  very  like  the  fleets 
of  the  allies  and  the  Russians — at  this  present 
writing  —  in  off'-fence-ive  position,  with  a  very 
black  see  between  them. 

Harry  did  not, lie  long,  but  jumped  up  with  a 
brain  somewhat  addled,  and  a  temper  not  parti- 
cularly sweetened  by  his  late  misadventure. 

The  next  field  was  bounded  on  one  side  by  the 
main  road  that  ran  around  the  head  of  the  Bay ; 


96  A   CHAPTER   OF   ACCIDENTS. 

on  another  bj  that  leading  down  the  sonth-side  of 
it,  which  ran  by  Job's  cottage,  and  joined  the 
former  at  the  furtlier  corner ;  the  last  side — for 
the  lot  was  triangular — fell  back  npon  the  orchard 
herein  before  mentioned. 

Xow,  as  it  had  chanced,  sundry  kine,  that  should 
have  been  quietly  at  home  and  sound  asleep  hours 
before,  being  incited  by  evil  appetites,  had  gone 
forth  seeking  what  forbidden  fruit  they  might 
devour,  and  wandering  with  devious  steps  along 
the  road,  had  scented  the  young  locusts  that  were 
growing  in  this  enclosure ;  and  as  the  mischief 
that  could  be  done  to  them  was  infinitely  greater 
than  any  other  that  offered,  in  they  went,  and, 
having  eaten  their  fill  of  the  young  plants,  down 
they  dropped  and  very  composedly  went  to  sleep 
around  the  fence,  as  if  they  had  nothing  very 
weighty  upon  their  consciences. 

Harry,  as  I  have  said,  jumped  up,  and,  having 
clambered  over  the  fence,  went  groping  along  the 
side  of  it  in  search  of  his  adversary,  who,  he  was 
very  sure,  had  not  abandoned  his  original  position. 
His  head,  however,  was  completely  turned,  and, 
having  the  wrong  direction,  came  suddenly  upon 
a  pair  of  young  cattle,  that  started  up  with  a 
terrified  snort,  and  taking  to  their  heels  ran  one 
one  way,  and  the  other  the  other,  as  fast  as  their 
legs  could  carry  them.     One  had  a  white  head 


JOB   OOWED   AT   LAST.  97 

and  neck,  and  Harry,  bewildered  as  he  was,  gave 
chase,  thinking  it  to  be  his  quarry.  Away  they 
went,  tearing  around  the  lot — Harry  gaining  upon 
the  animal,  then  stumbling  and  losing  ground, 
then  regaining  it  again,  w^hile  the  second  beast, 
who  had  taken  the  other  "  shute," — as  they  say  in 
the  south — ere  long  both  fell  in  with  Job,  and  fell 
on  him. 

After  considerable  kicking  and  scrambling.  Job 
relieved  himself,  and  he  too  started  fur  a  race,  but, 
sad  mischance,  the  third  jump,  and  he  alighted 
full  on  the  back  of  a  motherly  cow,  and  falling 
forward,  grasped  firm  hold  of  two  long  proturber- 
ances  that  sprung  from  the  animal's  head.  Here 
was  a  situation,  betw^een  the  horns  of  a  dilemma, 
grasping  those  of  a  cow,  and  fairly  cowed  himself. 


CHAPTER  XY. 

A  SPORTING  CHAPTER,  INCLUDING  A  RACE,  A  SWEM,  AND 


^5 

JOYED  IT. 


Cows  are  ruminating  animals,  and  it  is  supposed 
that  they  originally  instructed  man  in  the  proper 
use  of  that  best-abused  of  human  comforts — to- 
bacco. Job's  cow,  however,  did  not  ruminate 
long  after  having  received  her  cargo,  but  off  she 
plunged,  taking  a  line  straight  along  the  fence, 
and,  raking  down  so  many  stakes  in  her  headlong 
course,  that  one  would  have  imagined  she  was 
running  a  regular  "sweep-stakes,"  and  not  in- 
dulging in  an  amateur  performance. 

Job  held  on  for  dear  life,  and  soon  discovered 
the  truth  of  the  well-known  sporting  maxim,  that 
"  It  is  the  jpace  that  kills."  His  ideas  of  quad- 
rupedal navigation  were  rather  vague  and  desul- 
tory, and  it  is  highly  probable  that  if  he  could 
have  "  kept  away  "  or  "  luffed  up,"  he  would  have 
grasped  his  steed  by  the  tail,  and  tried  to  have 
run  her  ashore — that  is,  plump  into  the  fence — 


A   KUN   UPON   THE  BANK.  99 

but  as  it  was  a  heifer  and  not  a  steer  that  he  was 
backing,  she  probably  would  not  have  steered  very 
well. 

The  field,  as  I  have  told  you  before,  met  the 
main  road  at  the  further  side  from  the  starting 
pole  of  this  strange  race,  but  did  not  meet  it  by 
any  means  upon  terms  of  equality — in  fact  it  was 
not  upon  a  level  with  the  latter,  but  ran  up  in 
quite  a  bluff  manner,  and  tlien  made  a  very  pre- 
cipitate and  gravelly  descent. 

Away  to  the  right  sped  Harry  and  his  game, 
and  away  to  the  left  rushed  tlie  infuriate  cow  and 
her  victim — they  turn  the  corners,  and  are  nearing 
the  homeward  stretch,  the  rail-fence,  sole  spectator, 
held  up  very  high  stakes,  some  of  which  were  taken 
by  the  cow.  Hurrah  !  Harry  is  about  seizing  his 
prey,  and  Job  on  the  eve  of  slipping  oft'  his  ani- 
mal's neck.  Hurrah  !  here  tliey  come,  and  here 
they  are — all  in  a  heap — Harry  and  the  steer.  Job 
and  the  heifer,  tumbled  together,  shooting  down 
the  steep  gravelly  bank,  carrying  away  the  fence, 
and  landing  finally  in  the  road  beyond,  a  very 
miscellaneous  collection  of  neat  cattle,  and  men 
anything  but  neat.  Such  a  run  upon  a  bank  has 
not  been  known  since  the  days  of  tlie  immortal 
Jacob  Barker. 

Job,  who  came  off  best  in  the  encounter,  with- 
out stopping  to  take  the  usual  care  of  his  steed,  or 


100  A   SPORTING   CHAPTER. 

even  to  inquire  after  his  competitor's  health, 
jumped  up  and  made  tracks  down  the  road,  which 
was  not  hard  to  do,  as  he  travelled  in  very  soft 
sand ;  and  Harry  followed  suit, 

When  Job  reached  the  junction  of  the  road,  he 
dared  not  take  the  one  that  led  homeward,  the  liill 
being  too  steep  for  a  plethoric  gentleman,  who  had 
his  sea-legs  on,  and  whose  style  of  progression  had 
a  striking  similitude  to  that  of  a  fast  duck  in  a 
great  hurry, — besides,  Harry  was  not  far  behind, 
and  although  pretty  much  blown  with  his  race 
a-field,  was  yet  a  full  match  for  him ;  so  on  he 
kept  direct  to  the  foot  of  the  pond.  Here  the 
road  turned  short  to  the  left,  and  was  in  fact  but 
a  narrow  causeway,  whose  one  side  hung  over  the 
verge  of  a  very  respectable  precipice  above  the 
Bay,  while  the  other  was  bounded  by  the  waters 
of  the  pond.  Should  his  heels  fail  him,  when 
once  fairly  committed  upon  this  course,  there  could 
be  no  help,  no  dodging  off  on  one  side,  or  jump- 
ing into  the  bushes  on  the  other ;  but  luckily,  just 
where  the  road  turned  short  about,  a  small  path 
went  off  on  its  own  account,  as  it  were,  and  made 
a  straight  wake  through  the  woods  by  the  right 
side  of  the  pond.  There  was,  to  be  sure,  a  slight 
ascent,  and  worse  yet,  a  pair  of  bars  must  be  sur- 
mounted, but  Job  took  the  chances,  the  bars,  and 
the  path.    The  only  intimation  to  the  men  of  their 


JOB   AT   BAY.  101 

relative  situations  had  hitherto  heen'by  ^onnd,  bt-t; 
at  the  critical  moment  that  tlie  Captain  was  aboiit 
attempting  the  fence,  her  womar^t  n^!liii^/['Sbff^r'' 
ffot  the  better  of  madam  Luna,  that  she  must 
needs  peep  out  just  to  see  how  things  and  men 
were  going  on.  She  went  in  again  an  instant 
after,  but  all  too  late.  The  sight  stimulated  Harry 
to  fresh  exertions,  and  scarcely  was  the  Captain 
off  the  fence,  before  the  other  was  on  it. 

On  the  Captain's  right,  was  a  steep  hill ;  on 
the  left  a  thicket  and  the  pond.  He  chose  the 
latter,  and  plunged  into  the  bushes,  but  chanced 
to  strike  a  narrow  path,  much  trodden  by  fisher- 
men, and  sundry  ancient  females,  who  used  the 
pond  as  a  large  but  cheap  washing-tub. 

Job  was  fairly  in  a  cul  de  sac.  On  either  hand 
the  heavy  thicket  was  perfectly  impervious  to 
man,  his  feet  were  already  upon  a  plank,  that 
served  as  a  kind  of  improvised  wharf,  leading 
out  into  deep  water,  while  Harry  was  right  behind 
him,  blowing  like  an  overtasked  locomotive  in 
pressing  circumstances. 

Job  turned  to  defend  himself,  but  the  plank, 
always  well  soaped,  was  now  quite  wet  with  the 
miniature  surges  of  the  pond.  As  he  turned,  his 
feet  slipped,  and  down  he  came,  upon  hands  and 
knees,  thus  presenting  a  savage  looking  head,  if 
not  a  very  bold  front  to  the  enemy. 


102  A   SPORTING   CHAPTER. 

^'^''One  nefexi  pot  be  a  prophet  to  tell  what  elfect 
tills  change'  of  position  produced  upon  Harry, 
Mad)'-  mfgiit.  the^  next  moment  have  been  seen — if 
he  could  have  been  seen  at  all — shooting  straight 
forward  in  an  insane  and  horizontal  manner,  and 
then  plunging  fiercely  into  the  bosom  of  the  pond. 
If  he  had  been  Samuel  Patch,  he  could  not  have 
made  a  prettier  dive. 

Job's  mind  was  quite  relieved  at  the  event. 
Harry  might  drown  or  not  just  as  he  pleased,  for 
all  he  then  cared,  but  for  fear  the  sailor  might 
turn  up  again,  he — Job — scrambled  up  and  made 
a  straight  path  for  home. 

The  moon,  however,  who  had  stood  the  Captain's 
friend  for  some  time,  evidently  unsatisfied  at  the 
turn  afi'airs  had  taken,  just  then  gave  the  wink  to 
that  myth,  the  clerk  of  the  weather,  and  down 
came  the  rain  by  buckets  full.  In  five  minutes 
after,  it  was  a  very  doubtful  point,  as  to  which  of 
the  two,  Job  on  shore,  or  Harry  in  the  pond — bob- 
bing about,  and  trying  to  find  a  hole  in  the  bushes 
to  crawl  out  at, — was  the  wetter. 

Job  must  have  had  a  delightful  walk  home — 
there  can  be  no  reasonable  doubt  of  it — almost 
every  one  has  "been  caught  out  alone  a  mile  or 
two  from  anywhere,  then  treacherously  wet  to  his 
skin,  and  left  to  paddle  off  at  his  own  discretion. 

It  is  astonishing  how  coolly  a  man  will  take 


A   WATER   FALL.  103 

tilings  when  he  is  so  damp  that  any  more  water 
is  of  no  object  at  all. 

Well,  I  cannot  stop  to  moi^lize  just  now,  and 
so  will  land  Job  safely  at  his  own  gate. 

The  honse  was  not  still  and  dark  as  usual  at  so 
late  an  hour,  but  there  were  lights  in  the  kitchen, 
and  two  female  heads  were  plainly  visible  through 
the  window. 

"  Mary  and  Keziah,"  grumbled  Job  to  himself, 
"  why  in  thunder  hasn't  the  consarned  fools  turned 
in  ?  By  the  '  living  jingo'  I'll  make  'em,  and  in 
two  shakes  of  a  marlinspike,  too." 

He  advanced  to  the  window,  and  peeped  in. 
Was  that  Keziah,  or  was  it  not  ?  No,  Job,  it  is 
that  "  everlastin'  widder,"  as  you  call  her.  What 
is  to  be  done.  Job  ?  You  can't  face  her  to-night. 
jN"o.  Your  room,  Job,  has  a  window  immediately 
above  the  kitchen  roof — clamber  up  the  pear  tree 
behind  the  house,  get  on  the  shed  and  slip  quietly 
into  your  chamber — that  is  it.  Well  done ;  a  cat 
could  not  have  managed  it  better.  Slip  off  the 
bough  silently,  step  cautiously  on  the  roof — now 
raise  the  window  gently,  and  in  you  go — the  win- 
dow sticks,  ("confound  it!")  does  it?  then  exert 

your  force — and away  you  go,  heels  foremost, 

down  the  roof,  over  the  eaves,  plump  into  that  oil 
pipe  that  you  lately  converted  into  a  water-butt, 
and  which  now  makes  a  water-butt  of  you.     It  is 


104:  A   SPORTING   CHAPTER. 

full  to  the  very  brim,  and  as  your  head  emerges, 
scarcely  emerges  from  the  top,  what  is  it  that 
dazzles  your  moist  eyes  ? 

You  are  right  against  the  window.  Job;  and 
Mary  and  the  widow — each,  candle  in  hand — are 
gazing  with  amazement  upon  your  dripping  coun- 
tenance, and  the  widow  has  begun  to  scream  and 
intends  to  faint. 

You  cheered  yourself  with  the  thoughts  of  your 
pot  and  pipe,  in  your  homeward  path  ;  if  you 
haven't  gone  to  pot  you  are  very  near  it,  and  I 
hope  you  like  the  pipe  you  have  fallen  in  with. 


CHAPTER  XYI. 

ON  DAY  BKEAK  AND  THE  HEN  FEVER. 

Morning  is  at  hand.  The  still,  heavy,  palpable 
blackness — ^night's  last  triumph — is  passing  away, 
and  young  day  slowly  but  steadily  advances.  In 
the  eastern  heaven,  the  dark  shades  that  compose 
night's  rear  guard  are  already  engaged  in  actual 
conflict  with  the  grey-clad  pioneers  of  her  great 
adversary. 

Those  celestial  guards,  the  stars,  that  have 
l)atrolled  their  azure  beat  for  many  a  weary  hour, 
are  drowsily  winking  their  sleepy  eyes ;  their 
watch-fires  are  paling  away,  and  extinguishing 
their  lanterns,  one  after  another  steals  quietly 
off  to  bed — all  save  one,  and  he,  captain  of  the 
watch,  from  his  outpost  gleams  forth  indignant 
fury  upon  the  approaching  foe. 

The  battle — which  has  lasted  since  time  began 
• — is  now  to  be  but  an  affair  of  outposts  after  all, 
for  night  seldom  boldly  disputes  the  march  of  her 
ever  pursuing  enemy.     It  is  only  at  times  that  the 


106    ON  DAY  BREAK  AND  THE  HEN  FEVEK. 

queen  herself,  making  a  desperate  onslaiiglit,  cuts 
off  the  king  of  day  from  his  forces,  and  for  a  brief 
space  holds  the  vantage  ground ;  or  summoning 
to  her  aid  hurricanes,  thunder-gusts,  and  such  like 
serial  mercenaries,  she  fairly  drives  the  foe  from 
the  field. 

We  are  to  witness  no  such  passage  at  arms ;  for 
see  !  night  even  now  is  marshalliug  her  forces,  and 
the  warning  bugle  of  chanticleer  sounds  the  re- 
treat. The  dense  mist  that  hangs  over  the  Bay, 
almost  concealing  the  vessels  frcim  our  view,  and 
the  yet  heavier  vapor  that  enshrouds  the  pond,  is 
heaving  up  and  tossing  to  and  fro  like  the  boiling 
waters  of  a  cauldron.  Upward  and  upward  they 
rise,  from  dell  and  from  dingle,  from  green  banks 
of  bubbling  brooks,  and  soft  bosoms  of  rich  mea- 
dows, rise  also  smaller  masses,  marching  onward  to 
join  the  main  arra}^  And  as  they  move  off,  sin- 
gly, or  in  pairs,  or  in  great  companies,  they  would 
almost  seem  to  be  actuated  by  human  feeling,  and 
incited  by  human  impulse.  The  fleecy  cloud, 
that  has  arisen  from  the  little  lake,  steals  softly 
back  again  to  imprint  one  more  kiss  upon  her  fair 
face ;  and  see  yonder  conical  peak  round  which  a 
circlet  of  mist  is  wreathing,  for  all  the  world  like 
the  cincture  of  a  monk,  while  the  bald  pate  of  the 
old  hill  peers  drolly  above  it. 

So  dense  a  mass  of  vapor  has  now  assembled, 


NATURE   IN   COURT   DRESS.  107 

that  you  would  tliink  a  decided  stand  and  sturdy 
resistance  was  contemplated ;  but  no,  planet  and 
star  have  fled,  and  the  lingering  rear-guard  may 
no  longer  stay. 

In  the  east  the  field  is  already  abandoned.  A 
w^arning  ruddy  glow  spreads  around  ;  and  behold  ! 
a  sword  of  living  fire  flaslies  suddenly  upward, 
and  the  king  of  day  is  upon  them. 

'No  time  for  parley  now  ;  scant  space  for  retreat. 
The  banners  of  night,  gleaming  with  burnished 
gold,  and  glowing  crimson,  tinged  with  gentle 
azure  and  modest  lilac,  are  rolled  up  like  a  scroll 
and  swiftly  hurried  away.  Day  stands  confessed. 
Lusty  shadows  start  forth  to  meet  you  from  every 
tree,  and  even  the  meekest  shrub  throws  ojff  a  huge 
and  overdrawn  caricature  of  itself  upon  the 
ground ;  leaf  and  bough,  fair  flower  and  feeble 
blade  of  grass,  sparkle  with  jewels. 

But  all  this  change  has  not  been  eflected  in 
silence  :  from  the  dead  tops  of  old  trees,-  where  the 
wood-pecker  has  perched  for  an  early  view ;  from 
high  up  in  the  blue  air,  where  float  gracefully  the 
swallow  and  the  lark ;  from  the  lowly  bush  and 
dense  thicket,  burst  forth  songs  of  triumph,  and 
even  the  matter-of-fact  inhabitants  of  the  poultry 
yard  are  not  behindhand  in  their  morning  hymn  ; 
matronly  hens  cluck  out  wonderful  discoveries, 
and  call  their  young  ones  to  breakfast ;  goose  and 


108    ON  DAY  BKEAK  AND  THE  HEN  FEVER. 

duck,  turkey  and  peacock,  in  homely  but  happy 
strain,  chatter  away,  and  remark  to  every  friend 
upon  the  fine  weather  they  are  having. 

All  the  performers  in  this  our  merry  comedy 
are  up  and  a-doing.  The  "Sally  Ann"  has  had 
her  face  washed — for  Captain  Job  is  a  regular 
martinet  in  a  small  way — Dick,  having  lighted  the 
fire  in  the  small  caboose,  is  refreshing  himself 
with  a  reversion,  surveying  the  water  prospect 
with  his  heels,  while  his  eyes,  being  on  a  level 
with  the  deck,  keep  a  sharp  look-out  for  the 
cooking;  his  head,  perhaps,  answering  the  pur- 
pose of  a  mop,  dries  up  a  limited  portion  of  the 
moisture,  his  inevitable  flag,  meanwhile,  unfolded, 
is  fluttering  in  the  morning  breeze.  Pete  is  lolling 
over  the  bow  with  his  lines  out,  and  thinks  he  has 
just  had  a  nibble. 

Captain  Job  has  been  up  and  off  long  since,  but 
his  motives  and  motions  being  of  a  momentous 
nature,  must  be  reserved  for  a  future  chapter. 
Harry  is,  astir,  and  has  been  off'  to  the  pond  an 
hour  ago.  The  curling  smoke  from  the  widow's 
chimney  speaks  of  the  matron's  whereabouts  and 
occupation.  Mr.  Thaddeus  Mulligan  has  just  re- 
turned from  the  barn-yard  with  a  foaming  pail  of 
milk,  and  is  now  undergoing  a  lecture  from  Miss 
Keziah  upon  the  enormity  of  the  sin  he  has  com- 


NATIONAL   DISEASES.  109 

mitted  in  soiling  the  snowy  floor  with  liis  muddy 
boots. 

Mary  is  among  the  poultry. Do  not  fear,  I 

have  no  idea  of  describing  them,  for  I  have  heard 
and  seen  quite  too  much  of  the  breed  lately. 

Holland  has  had  her  tulip  mania  ;  England  her 
South-Sea  bubble  and  Mississippi  schemes ;  France 
went  mad  upon  beet-sugar ;  and  America,  not 
long  recovered  from  a  frightful  attack  of  "  Morus 
Multicaulis,"  is  now  very  low  indeed — or,  rather, 
very  high — with  the  worst  species  of  malignant 
hen-fever.     The  chicken-pock  is  nothing  to  it. 

Say  but  three  words  of  the  condition  of  Poland 
and  your  friend  will  immediately  and  incontinently 
discourse  you  concerning  the  incredible  and  inex- 
haustible merits  of  his  pair  of  Polish  hens,  w^hich, 
did  they  but  imitate  the  example  of  a  ship  at  sea, 
and  lay  two  for  every  squall,  would  prove  a  small 
independence  to  the  spirited  proprietor.  Speak 
of  the  Panama  rail-road,  or  the  Nicaragua  route, 
and  you  will  be  told  of  the  admirable  avenue  these 
will  open  for  the  safe  and  speedy  importation  of 
Shanghais.  Why,  we  scarcely  dare  ask  for  a 
second  cup  of  tea,  for  fear  of  awakening  a  dis- 
cussion touching  the  unequalled  advantages  of 
China  fowls ;  and  the  other  evening,  chancing  to 
mention  the  illustrious  name  of  the  celebrated 
Mr.  Weller,  senior,  of  the  Belle  Sauvage,  a  lady 


110    ON  DAY  BREAK  AND  THE  HEN  FEVEE. 

immediately  inquired  "  Whether  the  stock  and 
fixtures  of  the  late  George  Clark  included  any 
number  of  genuine  Dorkings,  and  if  so,  at  what 
figure  they  were  disposed  of." 

At  this  rate,  ere  long,  "  Hen-hussey  "  will  come 
to  be  considered  a  term^  of  commendation  ;  a  hen- 
pecked husband  regarded  as  a  man  of  mark  ;  and 
a  chicken-hearted  youth  looked  upon  as  a  des- 
perate fellow. 

We  are  told  by  Sir  Walter  how  the  fair  Mar- 
garet of  Branksome's, — 

"  Thirty  steeds,  both  fleet  and  wight, 
Stood  saddled  in  stable,  both  day  and  night : 
An  hundred  more,  fed  free  in  stall, 
Such  was  the  custom  of  Branksome  HalL" 

The  Margaret  of  to-day  would  have  stabled  and 
fed  her  hundred  and  thirty  hens — the  horses  might 
have  gone  to  grass — and  in  the  place  of  knights, 

" Sheathed  ip  steel, 

With  belted  sword,  and  spur  on  heel," 

her  only  fighting  cocks  would  have  worn  feathers ; 
and,  although  the  spur  might  still  be  found  on 
heel,  the  gaff  would  be  the  nearest  approach  to  a 
sword  that  any  of  them  would  be  able  to  exhibit. 

I  am  free  to  confess  a  woeful  ignorance  of  fowls 
in  general,  and  a  deplorable  want  of  information 
upon  hens  and  chickens  in  particular.  My  educa- 
tion upon  these  points  was  sadly  neglected.  Poul- 
try, probably,  was  not  popular  with  my  parents. 


GALLOWS    BIKDS.  411 

I  remember  to  have  endured  in  my  younger 
days  a  ferocious  onslaught  from  a  maternal  hen, 
and  to  the  having  been  put  in  a  state  of  great 
bodily  peril  by  a  pugnacious  gentleman  turkey, 
who  had  evidently  taken  umbrage  at  a  flaming 
red  and  yellow  silk  dress  that  constituted  my 
infantile  apparel. 

I  have  been  told  that  eggs  were  not  naturally 
boiled,  and  have  listened  with  some  lack  of  cre- 
dulity to  the  tale  of  a  Milesian,  who  fed  his  hens 
upon  pepper  and  salt,  and  gave  them  hot  water  to 
drink,  in  order  that  the  eggs  might  be  laid  in  due 
season^  and  all  ready  for  the  table.  I  knew  that 
gallus  was  the  generic  term  for  the  hen  and  roos- 
ter generation,  and  have  been  informed  that  the 
cant  phrase  "  gallus  bird"  was  derived  from  the 
pugnacious  and  disreputable  conduct  of  the  males  ; 
but  until  Barnum's  recent  poultry  tournament,  I 
was  as  ignorant  of  the  names,  as  I  now  am  of  the 
comparative  merits  of,  and  distinction  between, 
Shanghais,  Chinas,  Cochin-Chinas,  Malays,  Chitti- 
gongs,  Hamburgs,  Silkies,  Friedlands,  Shakebags, 
Black  Duns,  (fee,  &c. 

While  I  have  been  gossiping  about  the  chickens, 
they  have  eaten  their  breakfast,  and  it  is  high 
time  to  permit  Mary  to  imitate  their  example. 


CHAPTEK  XYII. 

IN   WHICH  HA.RRY   IS   RESCUED   FROM  ''iHE    POND,    AND 

GOES  A  fishing;  Also,  the   author's    personal 

ADVENTURE   IN   THE   FISHING   LINE. 

The  whippoorwill  has  ceased  her  song, 
The  larks  their  cheerful  notes  prolong, 
From  her  repose  all  nature  breaks. 
The  sun  is  up:  wake,  fisher, wake. 

The  morn  is  bright;  the  summer  breeze 
Sighs  softly  through  the  spring-clad  trees, 
Breathes  lightly  o'er  the  placid  lake, 
The  sun  is  up :  wake,  fisher,  wake. 

The  boat  awaits  thy  guiding  hand, 
Fast  moored  upon  the  glistening  strand  ; 
The  hungry  trout  the  waters  break, 
The  sun  is  up :  wake,  fisher,  wake. 

I  am  not  aware  that  anj-  such  ditty  as  the  above 
aroused  Harry  Flint  from  his  slumbers ;  on  the 
whole,  I  am  very  sure  that  it  did  not,  for  Mrs. 
Flint's  shrill  pipe  efiected  the  awakening. 

It  is  quite  the  thing  to  borrow  another  man's 
verses  to  lead  off  a  chapter  with  ;  to  press  them 
into  the  service,  and  make  them  fill  the  place  of 


113 

the  old  "  chorus,"  by  foreshadowing  the  events 
about  to  be  recorded ;  and  therefore  I  see  no 
good  reason  whj  I  may  not  indulge  honestly  in 
the  same  way,  especially  if  I  can  do  so  without 
borrowing. 

The  last  that  we  heard  of  Harry,  he  was  bob- 
bing up  and  down  in  the  pond,  for  all  the  world 
like  a  roasted  crab  in  a  bowl  of  wassail.  His 
plunge-bath  had  been  equally  unexpected  and  un- 
premeditated. 

Now,  when  one  whose  whole  mind  and  body 
are  bent  upon  any  pursuit,  and  he  is  running  along 
thinking  of  nothing  but  the  object  in  view — al- 
though Job  was  not  exactly  "  in  view "  at  the 
time — to  iind  one's  self,  without  f  due  notice,  or 
apparent  reason,  fifteen  good  feet  under  water, 
astonishing  the  snapping-turtles  and  creating  an 
unnecessary  emeute  among  the  little  fish,  is  more 
astonishing  than  agreeable. 

Upon  this  point,  I  can  speak  feelingly,  having 
tried  it  myself,  and  more  than  once. 

My  adventures  in  this  line  all  spring  from  one 
cause — old  Isaac's  prevailing  weakness — the  love 
of  angling. 

The  fatigues,  dangers,  and  misadventures  inci- 
dent to  the  sport  have  never  for  one  moment  de- 
terred me.  A  drenching  shower  is  to  me  as 
common  as  sunshine — ^in  fact,  I  rather  afi*ect  moist 


114  IIARKY   GOES   A   FISHING. 

• 

weather — and  an  npset  is  so  every-day  an  occur- 
rence, that  it  is  rather  a  disappointment  than 
otherwise  when  I  am  not  accommodated  with  one. 
Some  of  these  affairs  have  been  ludicrous  in  the 
extreme;  others  not  unattended  with  danger. 
One  that  occurred  upon  a  small  lake  or  pond,  in 
the  land  of  "  Down  East,"  combined  the  twain  in 
quite  a  singular  manner. 

Upon  this  lake  had  I  ventured  in  quest  of  perch 
and  pickerel.  The  craft  chartered  for  the  occasion 
deserves  rather  the  title  of  a  box,  than  a  boat — one 
of  those  rambling,  wabbling,  flat-bottomed,  leaky 
concerns, — looking  as  much  like  a  cashiered  cart- 
body  as  anything — that  men  who  have  never  seen 
salt  water  in  their  lives,  fasten  together,  somehow 
or  nohow,  and  then  dignify  with  the  name  of 
skiff. 

However,  as  this  skiff,  or  "  dug-out,"  or  what- 
ever might  be  its  proper  orthographic  representa- 
tive, was  the  only  craft  that  floated  on  the  bosom 
of  the  pond,  right  glad  was  I  to  charter  it ;  par- 
ticularly as  the  time  chanced  to  be  one  of  the  few 
"New  England  saturnalia — "  the  end  of  haying," 
when  all  the  men  and  boys  in  the  country  round, 
are  apt  to  break  bounds,  and  devote  one  day  to  a 
mild  frolic,  and — as  they  term  it — "  have  a  good 
flsh." 

The  crew  consisted  of  the   writer,  as  master, 


115 

coxswain,  and  commander-in-cliief,  witli  three 
youngsters,  all  tjros,  nnder  my  instruction  and 
guidance,  for  tlie  crew. 

The  day  was  fine ;  the  fish  apparently  blessed 
with  a  prodigious  appetite,  and  soon  a  goodly 
number  of  golden-sided  perch  were  flapping  about 
the  bottom  of  the  boat,  tearing  out  their  scales  in 
useless  efibrts  to  efi'ect  an  escape,  making  them- 
selves particularly  disagreeable,  and  conducting 
generally  in  a  scaly  manner.  While  we  were  en- 
joying ourselves  greatly,  and  filling  our  boat,  a 
number  of  very  stalwart  looking  worthies  made 
their  appearance,  on  the  shore,  rod  in  hand,  and 
commenced  a  series  of  vituperative  remarks,  di- 
rected to  and  reflecting  on  the  occupants  of  the 
boat.  Their  language,  to  say  the  least  of  it,  w^as 
decidedly  ungentlemanly,  and  being  coupled  with 
some  threats,  about  "pounding  our  heads,"  and 
throwing  us  overboard,  we  concluded  that  our 
wisest  course  would  be,  to  up  anchor,  get  a  re- 
spectable "  offing,"  and  put  water  enough  between 
us,  to  prevent  their  swimming  out  and  performing 
their  promises. 

We  accordingly  crossed  the  pond,  and  fished 
awhile,  when  the  pursuing  forces  again  made  their 
appearance ;  then  off  w^e  posted  back  again,  and 
improved  the  opportunity,  until  again  forced  to 
quit.     This  game  went  on,  until  some  time  after 


116  HAKRY    GOES    A   FISHING. 

noon,  when  one  of  the  youngsters,  either  moved 
thereto  by  compunctions  of  the  head  or  stomach, 
— in  plain  English,  by  fear  or  hunger — insisted 
upon  being  landed.  We  again  crossed  the  pond, 
and  having  by  this  means  put  a  mile  of  bad  walk- 
ing between  us  and  our  persevering  pursuers,  run 
the  boat  ashore,  and  discharging  the  tryos,  began 
very  quietly  and  complacently  to  string  the  fish 
for  them  to  carry  home,  not  dreaming  of  any  im- 
mediate danger;  but  lo,  and  behold,  just  as  this 
interesting  occupation  was  almost  being  concluded, 
we  heard  a  shout,  and  raising  our  head,  saw  that 
the  foe  was  upon  us. 

The  cove  in  which  we  lay,  was  full  of  old  trees 
sunk  in  fifteen  feet  water,  with  occasional  snags 
peering  above  the  surface;  so,  hastily  pushing 
the  boat  from  shore,  I  placed  an  oar  against  one 
of  these  protruding  timber-heads,  and  giving  a 
violent  shove,  away  went  our  craft  under  a  head- 
way to  which  she  was  but  little  accustomed. 

As  I  dropped  the  oar,  a  noble  pickerel  broke 
water,  immediately  before  us,  and  seizing  my  rod, 
I  leaped  from  the  stern  to  the  middle  seat,  and 
thence  to  the  bow. 

Unfortunate  precipitation!  At  the  very  mo- 
ment my  feet  touched  the  bow,  the  boat  struck  a 
snag,  and  bounded  back.  She,  went  on,  and  I — 
/went  in. 


A  LIQUID   LAUGH.  117 

No  mortal  man  liatli  seen  a  prettier  dive.  Tlie 
broad-brimmed  bat  deserted  my  bead :  tbe  rod, 
like  tbe  jack-staff  of  a  steamer,  went  abead  to 
sbow  me  tbe  com-se,  or  again  like  tbe  air-drawn 
dagger  of  tbe  Tbane,  to  marsbal  me  tbe  way 
tbat  I  was  going ;  and,  witb  terrific  impetus,  witli 
my  bands  raised  before  me,  prepared  to  cleave  tbe 
waves  in  tbe  most  approved  style  of  modern  batb- 
ing,  I  launcbed  into  tbe  treacberous  deep.  In  a 
moment  I  was  at  tbe  bottom,  to  tbe  great  discom- 
posure of  sundry  quiet  families  of  percb  and  roacb, 
wbose  domestic  precincts  I  tbus  unceremoniously 
invaded,  and  wbose  domestic  economy  I  tbus  in- 
continently disturbed.  An  Indian  pearl-diver 
could  not  bave  done  tbe  tbing  better.  My  only 
tbougbt,  botb  as  I  went  down,  and  as  I  came  up 
— for  men  can  tbink  under  water  as  well  as  above 
it,  and  some  faster  in  tbe  bargain — was  of  tbe 
supremely  ridiculous  mode  of  my  submersion,  and 
in  tbe  place  of  a  cry  for  belp,  a  very  respectable 
laugb,  considering  tbe  amount  of  water  mixed 
witb  it,  was  tbe  only  sound  to  wbicb  I  gave  utter- 
ance. 

Tbe  remaining  lad  in  tbe  boat  was,  meanwbile, 
engaged  in  a  series  of  vigorous  but  futile  efforts 
to  paddle  up  to  my  bat,  perbaps  laboring  under 
tbe  erroneous  impression  tbat  my  bead  was  in  its 
vicinity,  wbicb,  as  tbe  hat  as  well  as  its  master 


118  HARRY   GOES   A   FISHESTG. 

was  capsized,  would  seem  highly  improbable  to  ' 
a  cool  and  right-minded  observer.  Swimming  to 
the  boat,  and  finding  it  impossible  to  get  in,  I 
seized  hold  of  and  swam  it  to  land — somewhat  on 
the  propeller  principle — then  making  a  low  bow 
to  my  persevering  friends,  peaceably  resigned  the 
command  of  the  lake-marine,  and  made  the  best 
of  my  way  homeward,  dripping  like  a  sea-god  on 
a  visit  to  dry  land,  and  laying  the  dust  equal  to 
any  city  water-cart. 

It  is  high  time,  however,  to  get  Harry  out  of 
the  pond.  When  he  arose  to  the  surface,  if  the 
cause  of  his  plunge  was  not  very  clear  to  him,  the 
efiect  was,  and,  being  clear,  he  proceeded  to  clear 
his  mouth  of  a  full  freight  of  water  that  he  had 
shipped  in  bulk  on  his  down  trip  ;  having  effected 
this,  the  next  object  he  had  in  view  was  the  re- 
covery of  his  hat,  which  had  fallen  in  wrong  side 
up,  and  was  then  floating  away,  an  idle  jest  for 
the  wind  and  waves.  Giving  it  up  in  despair  at 
length,  he  next  sought  the  hole  in  the  bushes, 
from  which  he  had  so  suddenly  shot :  this  also 
was  not  to  be  discovered ;  and  so  changing  his 
course  he  endeavored  to  reach  the  dam  at  the  foot 
of  the  pond.  The  night  was  black  as  a  wolfs 
throat  is  said  to  be,  and  Harry,  without  compass 
at  hand  or  star  in  sight,  in  lieu  of  making  the  port 
he  aimed  at,  found  himself  ere  long  floundering 


MUD   AND   WATER.  119 

about  among  the  stumps  and  in  the  mud,  at  the 
upper  end.     How  he  finally  succeeded  in  finding 
and  tracing  the  bed  of  the  little  brook  at  the  head 
of  the  pond,  until  he  escaped  from  the  maze  ;  how 
he  crawled  out  covered  with  mud,  how  he  was 
washed  quite  clean  by  the  rain,  how  the  moon 
came  forth  at  last  to  enliven  him,  how  he  met 
his  mother  at  the  gate,  how  they  entered  together, 
and  how  they  laid  a  desperate  plot  for  Job's  espe- 
cial benefit — it  behooves  not  now  to  relate.     It  is 
enough  for  the  reader  to  know  that  such  things 
happened.     Bright  and  early  next  morning  was 
the  reveille  sounded   by  the  widow,  and  Harry 
set  forth  for  the  pond,  for  several  reasons,  among 
which  the  recovery  of  his  hat,  the  keeping  out  of 
the  way  for  the  purpose  of  carrying  on  his  plot 
against  the  captain,  and  perhaps  an  honest  desire 
for  a  string  of  fish,  were  the  most  prominent.     He 
may  have  had  a  thousand  others,  but  these  must 
satisfy  the  reader.     How  Harry  succeeded,  what 
he  caught,  where  he  caught  it,  and  the  results, 
must  be  reserved  for  another  chapter — not   the 
next,  however,  for  poor  Job  is  yet  in  the  water- 
butt  and  must  be  attended  to.     How  busy  it  keeps 
one,  this  having  so  many  people  to  see  after. 


CHAPTEK  XYIII. 

m  WHICH   JOB   SEEKS   WHAT   HE   DOES    NOT   FIND,  AND 
FINDS   WHAT    HE   DOES   NOT    SEEK. 

If  our  readers  will  refer  to  page  104,  he  will 
find  Job  in  the  very  situation  from  which  it  is  now 
my  pleasing  duty  to  rescue  him.  This  falling  into 
a  cask  is  easy  enough ;  but  the  clambering  out 
again  is  quite  another  affair. 

The  old  oil-pipe  stood,  as  I  have  before  said, 
right  against  the  kitchen  window,  at  which,  on  the 
per  contra  side,  the  two  women  were  posted.  Job 
made  several  very  strenuous  efforts  to  escape,  but 
the  slippery  sides  of  the  cask  gave  no  vantage 
ground  to  his  heels,  and  thrice  down  he  came 
again.  Bracing  his  muscles  for  a  fourth  trial,  he 
grasped  firm  hold  of  the  top  staves  of  the  cask, 
sprang  upward,  thrust  his  heels  against  the  side, 
and  then,  fearing  that  they  would  not  retain  their 
hold,  threw  himself  forward  to  grasp  the  window- 
sash,  if  possible.  He  was  half  out,  and  this  for- 
ward impetus  caused  him  to  pitch  directly  into  the 


JOB   TAKES    A   GLASS   TOO    MUCH.  121 

very  window  itself,  liis  head  making  a  passage 
through  one  pane  of  glass,  and  his  hands  each 
taking  another  on  their  own  account.  You  will 
perceive  by  this,  that  for  a  moment  he  presented 
quite  an  impressive  tableau — ^his  head  and  both 
hands  being  framed  and  glazed  in  a  "striking,"  if 
not  an  artistic  manner. 

The  widow,  who  was  unaccustomed  to  this 
method  of  "  going  ahead,"  concluded  to  defer  her 
fainting  until  the  next  convenient  opportunity, 
and  winding  up  her  vocal  performance  with  a 
shriek  of  unusual  compass  and  volume,  darted  out 
of  the  door  opposite,  homeward  bound.  Job,  of 
course,  fell  back  immediately.  Luckily,  in  his 
onset,  he  had  carried  away  the  glass  entirely,  and 
BO  did  not  cut  his  throat  in  the  retreat. 

Had  he  hitherto  entertained  any  doubt  upon 
the  subject,  the  fact  must  now  have  been  self- 
evident  to  him,  that  he  had  taken  a  glass  too 
many,  which,  however,  did  not  prevent  his  taking 
another  immediately  after  his  entering  the  cot- 
tage. 

To  Mary's  anxious  inquiries,  as  to  "  where  he 
had  been  ?"  "  what  he  had  been  doing  ?"  and 
"  how  he  came  so  ?"  with  the  exception  of  a  vio- 
lent tirade  against  the  entire  Flint  generation, 
not  one  word  could  be  drawn  from  our  Captain, 
who,  having  imbibed  his  creature  comfort,  seized. 


122  JOB   SEEKS    WHAT   HE   DOES   NOT   FIND. 

a  candle  and  toddled  up  stairs  to  bed.  In  a  few 
minutes  a  heavy  body  was  beard  to  fall  upon  the 
floor  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs  with  a  peculiarly 
squashy  and  aqueous  sound,  and  when  Mary  ran 
to  see  what  was  the  matter,  a  gruff  command  to 
"dry  'em,"  from  above,  descended  the  stairs  after 
the  saturated  habiliments. 

"VYe  are  strenuously  advised  by  all  moralists  to 
give  a  few  moments  to  calm  and  deliberate  re- 
flection upon  the  events  of  the  day,  when  our 
wearied  heads  first  repose  upon  the  pillow,  and 
before  the  yawning  gates  of  sleep  are  opened  to 
admit  us.  Our  friend  was  not  much  given  to 
reflection,  but  the  events  of  the  day  and  night 
fairly  drove  him  to  it.  Upon  the  principle  laid 
down  by  one  of  the  aforesaid  distinguished  moral- 
ists, that  we  must  "  count  the  day  lost  whose  low 
descending  sun,  sees  from  our  hands  no  worthy 
action  done,"  Job  had  certainly  lost  a  day  ;  but  as 
it  was  not  the  first  he  had  lost,  by  a  very  large 
number,  the  thought  of  that  alone  would  not  have 
troubled  him. 

His  mind  was  in  rather  an  opaque  condition, 
and  a  number  of  mental  pictures — a  travelling 
gallery  like  that  of  Shakespeare's  third  Kichard 
— presented  themselves,  all  founded  upon  subjects 
unpleasing  and  unsatisfactory. 

Far  off  in  the  mist  peered  a  panoramic  series  of 


DISSOLVING   VIEWS.  123 

views  of  his  Boston  trip,  in  which  both  he  and 
the  "  Sally  Ann"  were  presented  in  a  variety  of 
disagreeable  and  unusual  situations. 

When  these  had  exhibited  themselves  for  a 
time,  then  commenced  a  set  of  dissolving  views, 
commemorative,  or  rather,  prophetic  of,  his  sud- 
denly determined-on  union  with  Keziah.  With  a 
grunt.  Job  shut  his  eyes  very  tightly  indeed,  as  if 
to  exclude  the  exhibition ;  but  on,  and  on,  the 
scenes  progressed,  taking  in  a  very  wide  scope  of 
subjects,  and  introducing  several  domestic  studies, 
in  which  broom-sticks  and  three-legged  stools  were 
accessories.  These  at  last  faded  away,  and  our 
friend  was  just  crossing  the  narrow  bridge  between 
the  land  of  reverie  and  the  country  of  sleep, 
when,  with  a  sudden  start,  he  heard  a  splash,  and 
again  saw  Harry  fall  into  the  pond.  Back  and 
back  his  mind  went,  through  the  events  of  the 
night,  until  at  last  an  object  presented  itself  so 
clear  and  distinct,  that  he  fairly  jumped  up  and 
opened  his  eyes  to  see  whether  it  was  not  a  reality. 
It  was  his  old  double-barrel,  and  there  it  lay 
among  the  wreck  of  the  widow's  bed  of  ragged 
sailors. 

Here  was  something  to  be  attended  to  in  good 
earnest ;  a  real  danger,  a  positive  proof  of  all  his 
doings,  and  one  that  must  be  removed  before  it 
could  tell  the  tale. 


124:  JOB   SEEKS   WHAT  HE   DOES  NOT   FEND. 

Job  was  a  man  of  courage  and  determination, 
and  now  he  set  to  work  in  good  earnest  to  frame 
some  plan  of  escape  from  the  maze  of  difficulties 
into  which  he  had  wandered. 

In  a  few  minutes  he  had  constructed  a  chart 
whereby  to  shape  his  course  in  the  morning,  and 
then  turning  over,  was  fast  asleep  in  an  instant. 

For  a  matter  of  three  hours  or  so,  his  nasal 
trumpet  rang  merrily  through  the  house,  and  then 
with  a  snort  quite  equal  to  that  of  a  charger  who 
smells  the  battle-field  afar  ofi*,  up  he  sprang,  and 
shook  off  the  trammels  of  sleep.  Job's  sailor 
habits  of  taking  cat-naps  here  stood  him  in  good 
stead.  A  lengthened  plunge  of  the  head  in  a 
bucket  of  water,  a  glass  of  bitters  of  extra 
strength,  and  Kichard — Job,  I  mean,  was  himself 
again.  His  toilette,  never  a  very  severe  opera- 
tion, was  this  time  unusually  curt,  and  in  less  than 
^YQ  minutes  from  his  awakening,  he  stood  outside 
of  the  house  taking  a  mariner's  squint  at  the  sky, 
and  reading  the  promises  recorded  for  the  coming 
day. 

Having  conned  the  horizon  to  his  satisfaction,  he 
scratched  his  head  for  a  moment,  by  way  of 
brightening  up  his  ideas  and  of  recalling  fully  his 
chart  for  the  day's  voyage  to  his  mind,  then 
started  off,  with  a  rolling  but  rapid  gait,  for  the 
widow's. 


THE   GUN   GONE   OFF.  125 

The  day  was  just  breaking,  and  a  right  jolly 
time  were  the  birds  having  of  it.  But  little  cared 
Job  for  their  music,  and  on  he  pushed,  doing  his 
best,  until  the  widow's  gate  hove  in  sight,  when 
stopping  a  moment,  he  reconnoitred  the  position 
of  the  enemy's  fortress  before  trusting  himself 
within  reach  of  their  batteries. 

All  was  still ;  not  the  tiniest  feather  of  smoke 
curled  or  danced  above  the  chimney,  and  satisfied 
that  he  had  taken  the  fortress  by  surprise,  Job  pre- 
pared to  enter  the  court-yard,  but  at  his  first  at- 
tempt the  huge  old-fashioned  gate  gave  utterance 
to  so  doleful  a  squeak,  that  he  abandoned  it  as 
quickly  as  if  it  had  been  constructed  of  heated 
iron,  and  had  burned  his  fingers  to  the  bone. 

[N^ot  choosing  to  clamber  over  the  pickets,  he 
was  forced  to  go  a  bit  farther  down  the  road,  and 
so  circumvent  the  position.  In  this  he  was  suc- 
cessful, and  a  few  minutes  saw  him  employed  in 
a  careful,  but  fruitless  examination  of  the  "ragged 
sailors"  and  the  adjacent  ground.  ITo  gun  was  to 
be  found;  but  not  being  overly  certain  as  to 
its  whereabouts,  after  a  due  examination  of  the 
wreck  of  the  fence,  he  proceeded  onward  to  the 
orchard,  traced  around  the  track  of  the  last  night's 
cow-race,  then  down  the  gravelly  bank,  and  up 
the  road  to  the  pond.  Upon  arriving  at  the  bush- 
path  in  he  turned,  went  out  to  the  farther  end  of 


126  JOB   SEEKS    WHAT   HE   DOES   NOT   FIND. 

the  plank,  and  looked  up  and  down  the  pond  as 
if  he  expected,  yet  feared,  to  see  some  dread 
object. 

Something  he  did  see,  far  down  the  pond ;  as 
far,  indeed,  as  his  eye  could  distinguish  so  small 
an  object ;  but  there,  upon  the  white  shingle  of 
the  southeastern  corner,  certainly  lay  some  black 
thing.  It  might  be  a  large  flat  stone ;  it  might 
be  a  huge  snapper,  that  had  crawled  out  for  the 
night  and  not  yet  returned  to  his  muddy  home  ] 
but  it  might  be  something  else. 

The  sun  had  not  yet  risen ;  no  person  had  Job 
met  upon  the  road,  but  he  was  suddenly  seized 
with  a  great  fear  lest  some  other  eyes  than  his 
own  might  see  the  object  upon  the  sand,  now  as 
terrible  a  thing  to  him  as  whilom  were  the  foot- 
prints to  poor  Eobinson. 

Forgetting  gun  and  everything  else  but  this  new 
terror,  he  hastened  off  the  plank,  and  ran  down 
the  path  to  the  end  of  the  pond.  There  it  was, 
the  identical  thing  that  he  so  much  feared,  and 
yet  expected  it  would  prove  to  be — Harry's  hat. 

He  was  just  about  to  seize  it  when  a  new  idea 
occurred  to  him.  There  might  be  some  one  near 
him,  perhaps  watching  him.  He  retreated  to  the 
road,  looked  up  and  down,  mounted  the  fence,  and 
seeing  no  one,  ran  down  again  upon  the  shingle, 
and  picked  up  the  tarpaulin.     ISTow  that  he  had 


THE  squire's  habitation.  127 

it,  what  should  be  done  with  it  ?  Out  of  sight  it 
must  go,  and  that  immediately,  for  a  spectator 
might  unexpectedly  surprise  him  with  this  witness 
in  his  hand.  He  gazed  around  for  an  instant, 
then  taking  it  by  the  rim,  twirled  it  high  up  in 
the  air,  and  saw  it  fall  in  the  middle  of  the  neigh- 
boring thicket. 

"  By  the  living  Jingo !"  said  Job,  using  his 
voice  for  the  first  time  that  morning :  "  By  the 
living  Jingo !  that's  safe,  any  way,  and  now  I 
might's  well  trip  anchor,  and  get  my  tackle  aboard 
to  get  clear  of  this  consarned  place,  afore  it's  too 
hot  to  hold  me." 

IN^ot  far  from  that  part  of  the  pond  stood  the 
home  of  Squire  Underwood,  and  toward  it  Job 
now  bent  his  steps.  It  was  a  long  rambling  cot- 
tage, inclosed  with  palings,  completely  embow- 
ered, and  almost  hidden  from  view  by  trees,  vines, 
and  shrubs.  The  Squire's  bedroom  was  upon  the 
ground  floor,  and  Job,  entering  the  inclosure, 
after  having  tried  the  door  and  found  that  no  one 
was  astir  as  yet,  applied  his  knuckles  to  the  cham- 
ber blinds,  and  commenced  beating  a  regular  rat- 
tat-too.  He  was  successful,  for  after  a  smart  peal 
or  two  the  blinds  were  opened,  a  very  sleepy-look- 
ing head  protruded,  and  a  very  sleepy  voice  de- 
manded, "  Who's  there,  and  what's  wanted  ?" 


128  JOB   SEEKS  WHAT  HE  DOES  NOT  FIND. 

"  It's  me,  Square,"  replied  Job,  stepping  out 
from  behind  the  blinds,  which  had  not  only  con- 
cealed him  from  view,  but  also  bestowed  a  smart 
rap  upon  his  head,  as  they  were  flung  widely 
open,  en  revanche^  it  would  seem,  for  the  blows  so 
liberally  bestowed  upon  them. 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

IN  WHICH   JOB   MAKES   HIS  WILL,  AND   HIS   CKEW  TAKE3 
AN   INVOLUNTAKY   PLUNGE-BATH. 

"  It's  me,"  said  Job,  rubbing  his  head  violently, 
as  if  he  thought  he  had  too  large  a  growth  of  hair 
upon  it,  and  was  trying  to  rub  it  in  ;  "  and  you've 
mostly  stove  my  head  in  with  your  confounded 
blinds." 

"  And  served  you  right,  too,"  replied  the  Squire, 
"  for  turning  me  out  at  this  time  in  the  morning. 
"What's  the  matter,  and  what  started  you  so  soon  ?" 

"  Why,  you  see,"  answered  Job,  "  as  I'm  bound 
for  Boston,  the  sooner  I  up  jib  and  head  that  way 
the  better ;  and  as  I've  got  some  business  to  see 
arter,  a  piece  back  of  here,  I  want  to  fix  things 
ship-shape  afore  I  go." 

"Well,"  said  Underwood,  "I  know  you  pretty 
well.  Captain  Job,  and  if  your  mind's  made  up  to 
go,  why  go  you  will,  whether  the  wind  blows  high 
or  low.  Wait  a  minute  until  I  can  dress  and  open 
the  door,  and  then  I  will  hear  what  you  have  to 


6* 


130  JOB    MAKES   HIS   WILL. 

Job  had  more  to  say  than  the  Squire  wished  to 
hear ;  but  what  he  said  he  meant  to  stand  up  to, 
and  although  Underwood  did  not  like  the  con- 
ditions at  all,  yet  he  was  forced  to  submit  to  them. 

The  vessel  was  to  have  her  ballast  all  in  by  3 
P.  M.  Two  additional  water-casks  were  to  be  pro- 
vided and  filled ;  a  half-barrel  of  pork,  a  bushel 
of  beans,  and  divers  other  articles — in  fine,  a 
month's  provisions  provided  ;  all  of  which  Under- 
wood must  attend  to ;  and  last  and  most  of  all, 
the  Captain  demanded  fifty  dollars  in  advance. 
To  tlys  latter  demand  the  Squire  objected  most 
strenuously,  for  it  grieved  him  much  to  part  with 
it,  and  he  had  already  studied  out  a  plan  to 
i/rade  with  Job  for  the  amount ;  but  all  refusals 
and  arguments  were  promptly  met  by  Job's  dog- 
matic assertion  "  that  he  would  not  start  tack  nor 
sheet  unless  he  had  everything  just  so."  At  last  the 
Squire,  after  a  great  waste  of  breath,  was  fain  to 
submit. 

Having  made  this  important  point  upon  his 
chart.  Job  now  altered  his  course,  and  steered  di- 
rectly for  the  schoolmaster's  home,  which  stood 
upon  the  other  side  of  the  bay. 

This  pedagogue  Job  held  in  the  most  unlimited 
respect ;  in  fact  there  was  nothing  that  the  latter 
did  not  deem  him  capable  of,  although  it  might 
be  questioned  whether  he  was  exactly  a  fitting  per- 


THE  READING  OF  THE  WILL.        131 

son  for  the  task  about  to  be  imposed  on  him — 
nothing  less  than  making  the  Captain's  will. 

The  gentleman,  however,  held  a  far  different 
opinion  of  his  abilities,  and  Job  was  soon  inducted 
into  his  sanctum,  where,  after  a  certain  number 
of  pens  were  duly  prepared,  the .  twain  fell  to 
work  and  produced  a  document  warranted  by  the 
schoolmaster  to  "  stand  agin  all  the  lawyers  in  the 
state."  I  give  it  in  full,  premising  that  the  matter 
was  freely  discussed  and  the  proposed  distribution 
of  property  fully  agreed  upon  before  Mr.  Adoni- 
ram  Peabody  put  pen  to  paper. 

The  reader  will  please  suppose  the  task  com- 
plete, and  listen  to  the  reading  of  the  will  and 
Job's  running  commentaries  thereon. 

Peabody.  {Beads.)  "Know  all  men  by  these 
PRESENTS,  that  I—'* 

Job.  'Yast  heavin',  ain't  the  women  folks  to 
know  it  too  ? 

P.  Why  you  see.  Captain  Priest,  the  feminine 
gender  are  supposed  in  law  to  be  able  to  find  out 
everything,  so  there's  no  need  of  theif  knowing  it 
at  first.  {Beads.)  "  Job  Priest,  captain  and  sole 
owner  of  the  sloop  Sally  Ann^'' — 

J.  Fast  sailin'. 

P.  {Beads.)  "  of  Bay  Ha/rbor — "  How  many 
tons,  and  how  old  is  she,  Captain  Job  ?  I  must  put 
that  in. 


132  JOB    MAKES   HIS   WILL. 

J,  Forty-five  ton ;  but  belay  that  about  how 
old  she  is.     'Taint  no  use. 

P.  {Beads.)  ''forty-fA)e  tons^  Custom  House 
Tneasurement^  and  now  engaged  in  the  hrick  and 
lumber  carrying  trade^  heing  wa/rra/nted  sownd 
in  mind^  wind,  and  limb — '' 

J.  Uncommon. 

P.  {Reads.)  ''do  hereby  affi/rm  this  to  be  my 
last  will — " 

J.  !N"o  I  don't ;  maybe  I'll  make  a  dozen  more. 

P.  Well,  but  it's  law  to  say  so,  any  way. 
{Reads.)  "  and  testament — " 

J.  Put  in  the  hull  bible. 

P.  Can't  do  it.  {Reads.)  ''whereas  hereby 
nevertheless,  and  in  consideration  of  my  being  on 
the  eve  of  embarhing  upon  a  long  and  perilous 
voyage,  along  with  my  daughter  Mary,  after  Squire 
Underwood's  ashes,  and  whereas  the  said  sloop 
"  Sally  Ann''  may  meet  with  some  dangerous  acci- 
dent, and  go  down  with  me  and  my  daughter 
Mary,  and  all  hands  on  board,  now  therefore  I 
leave  to  my  aforesaid  daughter  Ma/ry,  ths  said 
sloop  "  Sally  Ann,'^  with  all  her  rigging,  cables, 
chains,  and  anchors — " 

J.  Leave  out  Pete  and  Dick. 

P.  {Reads.)  "  to  hxjme  am^d  to  hold,  in  lease-hold 
and  freehold  for  evermore,  amen  !    Provided  aZ- 


THE    LEGACIES.  133 

ways  cmd  notwithstanding^  that  she  does  not  marry 
contrary  to  my  wishes — " 

J.  Put  that  in  strong. 

P,  {Reads.)  ''and  whereas  I  have  considerable 
oiioney  deposited  with  old  Mister  Bigler  o/nd 
others^  about  which  the  said  xMary  rmj  daughter 
Jmows  TTwre  than  amy  one  else^  I  hereby  convey  it 
all  to  her  in  fee  simjple.  I  also  and  fv/rther  give 
and  bequeath  to  my  said  daughter  Mary,  my  house 
and  land,  situated  lying  and  bei7ig  upon  the  side 
hill,  commanding  her  however  that  she  give  her 
aunt  Keziah  a  home  as  long  as  she  remains  peace- 
ahle  and  dorCt  become  too  fractious. 

"  I  also  command  her  to  breah  and  burn  up  the 
old  water-cash  under  the  kitchen  window,  cmd  not 
to  tell  any  one  what  she  did  it  for,  and  to  mahe  the 
following  presents  in  my  name, 

"  Viz,  to  wit : 

"  To  Pete  my  mate,  my  valuable  sil- 
ver watch  with  steel  chain,  and  seals.  Also  the 
sum  of  twenty  dollars,  and  don't  give  him  my 
clothes,  because  they  wouldnHfit. 

"  To  Dick  my  cabin-boy,  all  my  clothes,  hats, 
caps,  and  boots,  and  jvoe  dollars,  and  I  hope  he 
will  live  to  fill  them  all. 

"  I  hereby  appoint  my  friend  Adoniram  Pea- 
body  my  executor,  amd  command  him  to  keep  this 
will  out  of  sight  as  long  as  I  am  alive,  a/ad  also 


134  JOB   MAKES   HIS   WILL. 

my  daughter  Mary  is  enjoined  to  present  him  with 
a  new  suit  of  mov/rning^  including  hat^  hoots^  gloves^ 
and  twenty  dollars—'' 
J.  Didn't  I  say  ten  ? 
P.  No,  twenty.     Ten  would  look  mean. 
J.  "Well,  let  it  go ;  I  meant  ten,  but  it  don't 
matter,  long's  I  don't  have  to  give  it  myself. 

P.  {Reads.)  "  Impeimis.  In  case  my  daughter 
Mary  should  get  quarried  contrary  to  my  loishes, 
or  shouldnH  live  to  enjoy  this  will^  it  is  all  to  go  to 
Tmj  sister-in-law  Keziah,  amd  Adoniram  Peahody 
Icnows  what  I  mean  about  Mary^s  getting  ma/r- 
riedP  There,  Captain  Job,  that's  about  east,  I 
guess.     Shall  I  finish  it  up  ? 

J,  It's  good  enough,  far's  it  goes ;  but  where's 
the  stock,  and  the  farmer's  tools,  and  the  compli- 
ment to  Teddy? 
P.  Oh !    I'll  put  'em  in.      {Reads.) 
"  NoTA  Bene. — All  the  cows,  calves,  sheej),  hogs, 
pigs  and  swine,  together  with  the  ploughs,  carts, 
stable,  barn,  and  everything  else,  are  to  go  with  the 
rest.    And  I  hereby  bind  my  daughter  Mary,  her 
heirs,  executors,  administrators  and  assigns,  to 
present  to   Teddy  Mulligan  ten  dollars  in  my 
name,  ojid  to  employ  him  upon  ihefa/mh  as  long  aa 
they  are  all  agreeable'* 

This  important  and  very  secure  document  hav- 
ing been  signed  by  *  Job  with  a  cross,  and  duly 


135 

witnessed  by  two  persons — Peabody's  landlady 
and  her  son — the  next  thing  to  be  done  by  our 
methodical  captain,  was  to  visit  the  "  Sally 
Ann."  On  the  previous  day  Job  had  crossed  the 
harbor  in  his  skiff,  and  had  moored  it  near  Under- 
wood's store.  He  had  returned  on  foot,  and  there- 
for, as  Peabody's  mansion  was  very  near  the  store, 
Job  was  also  very  near  his  boat,  provided  that  no 
one  had  paddled  away  with  it,  which  luckily  did 
not  prove  to  be  the  case. 

He  jumped  in  the  skiff,  seized  an  oar,  and  com- 
menced that  singular  oscillating  motion  known  as 
sculling,  which,  ludicrous  and  lazy  though  it  ap- 
pears, is  the  same  principle  as  that  on  which  pro- 
pellers are  propelled.  As  the  Captain  had,  or 
professed  to  have,  a  motive  for  all  his  actions,  I 
might  as  well  say  that  his  reasons  for  adopting 
this  somewhat  slow,  but  noiseless  mode  of  pro- 
gression, was  that  he  might  take  the  "  Sally  Ann" 
by  surprise,  and  see  what  her  crew  were  about. 

The  reader  is  better  informed  in  the  premises, 
for  by  referring  to  the  description  of  the  vessel  at 
sun-rise  he  will  find  that  Dick  was  treating  him- 
self to  a  reversion  and  Pete  to  "  a  fish." 

The  skiff  approached  the  bows  stealthily  and 
cat-like.  Job  secured  the  painter  to  one  of  the 
stays  and  swung  himself  up  in  no  time.  Three  or 
four  quiet    steps    brought  him — abreast,  I  was 


^136  JOB    MAKES   HIS   WILL. 

about  writing,  but  my  love  of  truth  compels  me 
to  say — astern  of  Dick,  who  had  turned  around, 
and  was  conning  the  vessel  with  his  heels,  while 
his  eyes  were  directed  to  Job's  cottage,  evidently 
expecting  the  enemy  from  that  direction. 

Dick  had  remained  subverted  about  as  long  as 
even  so  practised  a  revolutionist  could  bear  the 
position  without  superinducing  an  apoplectic  at- 
tack, and  although,  according  to  the  most  approved 
authorities  in  natural  philosophy,  his  head  should 
have  grown  heavy,  the  reverse  was  the  case.  The 
monkey-rail  of  the  "  Sally  Ann"  was  quite  low, 
and  when  Job  applied  his  hand  in  rather  an  em- 
phatic manner  to  a  peculiar  and  prominent  por- 
tion— in  fact,  if  Dick  did  not  strike  his  flag.  Job 
did  it  for  him — of  the  boy's  person,  over  the  rail 
the  latter  went,  and  down  he  plunged,  heels  fore- 
most, and  hands  upraised — down,  down  to  the 
bottom  mud,  then  up  again,  appearing  for  a  mo- 
ment very  like  another  kind  of  a  buoy,  with  the 
same  pronunciation  but  a  different  orthography. 

We  all  know  that  Pete  was  seated  on  the  oppo- 
site side  ;  now  whether  that  philosopher  was  fairly 
asleep,  or  only  immersed  in  deep  reverie  concern- 
ing the  peculiar  habits  of  the  fish  he  so  eagerly 
sought  for,  or  not,  it  is  impossible  to  say,  but  his 
long  legs  were  dangling  over  the  side,  and  his 
head  was  certainly  nodding,  and  when,  startled  by 


PETE   TAKES    A   DROP.  137 

the  splash,  he  attempted  to  spring  up,  over  he 
went  also,  and  awoke  in  the  water.  .  In  fact,  the 
same  thing  occurred  to  him  that,  according  to  the 
old  story,  chanced  to  the  coon-lmnting  negro — ^lie 
heard  something  drop,  and  it  proved  to  be  him- 
self. 

This  double  accident,  however,  was  not  of  a 
very  serious  nature,  for  both  boy  and  man  were 
about  as  much  at  home  in  the  water  as  they  were 
upon  dry  land,  and  in  a  minute  or  two  the  twain 
were  again  upon  the  deck  of  the  vessel,  shaking 
themselves  like  a  pair  of  Newfoundland  dogs, 
for  relief  from  the  superabundant  moisture. 

This  affair  put  Job  in  a  good  humor  and  saved 
his  crew  from  the  lecture  that  he  prepared  for 
them,  and  rehearsed  to  himself  while  sculling  to 
the  vessel.  As  soon  as  his  audience  had  suffi- 
ciently discharged  the  cargo  of  water  they  had 
taken  externally  and  internally,  to  listen  to  his 
command,  he  gave  them  the  necessary  orders  for 
moving  the  sloop,  receiving  the  ballast,  and  hav- 
ing everything  in  readiness  to  "  up  jib"  and  be  off 
when  he  should  return  about  the  middle  of  the 
afternoon. 

Chuckling  to  himself  at  the  ducking  his  men 
had  received,  he  paddled  his  boat  to  shore,  and 
entered  the  cottage  with  an  unusual  amount  of 
amiability  beaming  from  his  sun-burnt  phiz. 


138  JOB   MxiKKS    HIS    WFLL. 

The  sun,  however,  went  in  again,  and  a  dark 
cloud  cast  a  shadow  over  him,  when  Mary,  after 
sufi'ering  him  to  eat  his  breakfast  in  peace,  in- 
formed him  thai;  Mrs.  Flint  had  been  there  in 
great  trepidation  about  Harry,  and  wished  to  know 
if  he — the  Captain — ^had  seen  him — her  son — 
during  the  previous  night,  and  if  so,  where  he 
had  left  him. 

"  Don't  know  nothing  about  him,  and  don't 
want  to  see  her,  neither,"  answered  Job,  as  he  left 
the  house. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

FROM   CODFISH  TO  ALLIGATOE-GAR.    . 

In  good  faith  we  must  hasten  back  to  the  pond, 
where,  two  chapters  ago,  we  left  Harry. 

I  have  great  fear  to  meddle  with  water  or  boats 
upon  paper,  and  especially  with  such  a  bijou  of  a 
pond,  and  one  so  well  stocked  with  fish,  as  the 
little  lake  of  Bay-Harbor.  With  the  best  inten- 
tions in  the  world,  of  moving  straight  on  with  my 
story,  for  the  life  of  me  I  can't  help  going  a  fish- 
ing myself,  and  taking  my  readers  with  me  when- 
ever I  get  near  it. 

It  is  a  prevailing  weakness  that  I  have,  and 
there's  no  such  thing  recorded  as  avoiding  it; 
neither  am  I  particular  as  to  the  manner,  or  the 
matter  of  my  fishing — all  are  fish  that  come  to  my 
net,  and  all  ways  of  driving  them  into  it  are  au- 
thodox  in  my  belief. 

I  am  not  to  be  tied  down  in  my  pursuit  of  the 
sport  by  Mr.  "  Frank  Forrester,"  or  Mr.  Tom,  Dick 
and  Harry's  dicta,  as  to  what  are,  and  what  are  not 
game  fish,  nor  to  be  restrained  from  taking  any 


140  FROM    CODFISH  TO   ALLIGATOK-GAE. 

that  they  don't  approve  of.  A  shark  I  deem  the 
gamest  kind  of  a  fish,  and  should  dearly  love  to 
try  a  juvenile  whale  on  three-ply. 

Frank's  ideas  do  not  coincide  with  mine,  but 
that  makes  no  difference  to  me,  for  what  I  think,  I 
think,  and  if  the  whole  world  should  get  upon  the 
other  side  of  the  thought,  so  much  the  greater  rea- 
son for  my  sustaining  the  truth  against  so  huge  a 
mass  of  error. 

/  call  this  firmness,  but  my  opponents  have  at 
times  had  the  ill  nature  to  label  and  libel  it 
pure  obstinacy.  The  truth  of  the  matter  is,  that 
when  I  am  right  I  know  it — and  I  am  always 
right — in  my  opinion. 

"Why,  there's  Frank — who  fishes  principally  on 
paper — intimates  that  the  Cod  is  not  properly  a 
game  fish. 

Marry,  come  up,  indeed !  A  fish  that  has  given 
its  name  to  one  of  our  most  important  Capes,  a 
fish  whose  pursuit  breeds  the  best  seamen  in  the 
world — your  brother  Bulls  had  a  taste  of  them 
once,  Master  Frank — a  fish  known  through  the 
Realm  of  Down  East  as  turkey ;  a  fish  that  fur- 
nishes the  entire  population  of  Yankeedom  with 
one  day's  food  every  week — ^rivalling  even  "  pork 
and  beans,"  and  used  as  a  chronological  mark  on 
the  table  of  time,  not  game  !    Pshaw. 

The  days  upon  which  the  codfish  feasts  are  held 


RATHER   LATE.  141 

are  different  in  different  towns,  but  each  town  or 
section  of  Yankee-land  has  its  own  particular  time, 
and  most  religiously  is  it  observed. 

I  am  not  aware  of  the  existence  of  any  law  upon 
the  subject — at  least  no  legislative  or  corporative 
enactment — the  law  of  habit,  at  least,  rules  su- 
preme. In  New  Haven,  for  instance,  Saturday, 
by  common  consent  and  universal  custom,  is  set 
apart  for  the  observance  of  the  pleasing  duty. 

A  very  staid  and  worthy  old  gentleman  resided 
there,  a  few  years  since,  whom  a  successful  mer- 
cantile career  of  more  than  thirty  years  had  placed 
in  independent,  if  not  affluent  circumstances,  but 
through  custom  or  a  desire  to  increase  his  already 
ample  store,  he  still  continued  his  business,  and 
his  ante-prandial  visits  to  the  counting-room.  One 
fine  morning  the  good-wife  was  forced  by  his  unu- 
sual absence  to  postpone  the  matutinal  meal  until 
that  rare  and  valuable  thing  in  a  woman — ^her  pa- 
tience— was  well  nigh  exhausted.  At  last,  how- 
ever, the  delinquent  made  his  appearance,  and 
without  any  apology  for  his  tardiness,  but  looking 
especially  glum  and  ill-humored,  he  sat  him  down 
to  eat.  A  cup  of  coffee,  however,  partially  re- 
stored him,  and  opening  his  mouth,  he  spoke. 

"  Most  extraordinary  circumstance,  most  extra- 
ordinary !" 


142  FKOM    CODFISH   TO   ALLIGATOR-GAE. 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  my  dear  ?"  demanded 
the  lady. 

"  Mean  ?  Here  have  I  had  to  open  the  store 
with  my  own  hands,  and  after  setting  in  the  door 
a  full  hour,  waiting  for  the  boy's  appearance,  was 
forced  to  close  the  store  again  to  come  to  break- 
fast.-" 

"  Heavens  !"  exclaimed  the  lady  with  unfeigned 
horror,  "  you  have  not  been  to  the  store  ?  Why, 
it's  Sunday !" 

"  Sunday  !"  returned  he,  "  Sunday  !  impossi- 
ble, madam,  we  did  not  have  codfish  for  dinner 
yesterday.^'' 

Book-fishermen  generally  meet  with  about  the 
same  success  that  Irving,  in  his  immortal  Sketch- 
Book,  describes  as  having  attended  his  imita- 
tions of  old  Isaack.  If  you  would  believe  them, 
there  is  but  one  fish,  the  trout,  and  he  is  only  to  be 
taken  by  the  fly.  Now,  the  trout  is  a  very  respect- 
able fish,  there  is  no  doubt  of  it,  but  in  the  writer's 
opinion,  either  for  sport  or  for  the  table,  the  pick- 
erel is  worth  two  of  him,  and  the  red-fish  a  dozen. 

As  to  the  mode  of  taking,  the  easiest  way — pro- 
vided it  does  not  involve  an  improper  and  useless 
destruction — is  the  best,  and  there  is  about  as 
much  sport  in  one  as  in  another. 

I  write  by  the  card,  having  tried  them  all,  and 
can  assure  the  reader  that  whether  the  fish  be 


A   TICKLISH   ADVENTURE.  14:3 

taken  by  rod  and  reel,  or  by  drop-line,  by  drag-net 
or  cast-net,  it  is  about  the  same  thing,  if  you  are 
only  successful. 

If  I  have  any  preference  to  bestow,  it  shall  be 
given  to  fishing  through  the  ice,  and  to  tickling — 
the  former  of  which  modes  is  declared  by  fancy 
fishermen  to  be  heretical  and  monstrous,  and  the 
practicability  and  possibility  of  the  latter  as  gene- 
rally denied.  Few  anglers  practice  the  art,  for  it 
requires  a  peculiar  dexterity  and  sleight-of-hand 
that  are  seldom  possessed. 

Trout  are  by  no  means  the  only  fish  that  can  be 
taken  in  this  manner,  and  I  have  never  yet  tried  a 
fish  that  would  not  remain  quiet  under  the  opera- 
tion. I  have  taken  trout,  pickerel,  suckers,  eels, 
lampreys,  one  water  snake — unintentional,  that — 
and  once  tried  the  experiment  upon  an  alligator- 
gar,  which  last  attempt  I  shall  probably  remember 
for  some  time. 

It  was  in  one  of  those  deep  but  narrow  bayous 
in  the  far  South,  and  the  gentleman — a  small 
specimen,  by  the  way — was  lying  at  his  ease, 
nearly  on  the  surface  of  the  water,  taking  a  siesta, 
according  to  his  usual  custom  of  an  afternoon. 

Cautiously  I  waded  in,  but  unfortunately  came 
in  contact  with  a  submerged  branch,  or  part  of  a 
tree,  just  under  water,  and  separating  me  from  my 
intended  victim.     Besting  one  leg  upon  it,  I  leaned 


144  FKOM    CODFISH   TO   ALLIGATOR-GAE. 

forward  and  commenced  operations,  the  gar  sub- 
mitting very  quietly,  and  wagging  his  caudal  ter- 
minus, as  if  proud  of  being  taken  notice  of. 

Presently  it  became  necessary  to  bring  my  other 
hand  into  play,  and  then  I  found  myself  decidedly 
in  a  fix.  Over  the  log  I  dared  not  go  for  two  ex- 
cellent reasons.  Thirdly  and  lastly,  I  should  have 
disturbed  my  new  friend,  and  sixthly  and  to  con- 
clude, I  felt  very  sure  that  the  w^ater  on  the  ulte- 
rior side  was  beyond  my  depth,  so  I  was  forced  to 
make  a  desperate  effort  to  grasp  him  with  my  one 
available  hand  and  throw  him  on  shore. 

Grasp  him  1  did,  but  in  the  struggle  lost  my 
balance,  and  my  "  elementary"  attempt  upon  gar 
resulted  in  a  change  of  "  element,"  to  one  of  the 
parties  concerned  at  least,  for,  shortly  after,  no 
part  of  your  humble  servant  was  visible  to  his 
companion's  admiring  gaze,  save  a  pair  of  uncom- 
monly muddy  heels. 

The  whole  affair  was  decidedly  unsatisfactory, 
for  although  I  returned  home  as  soon  as  possible, 
and  divested  myself  of  my  dripping  externals,  yet 
an  acquaintance — the  ague — dropped  in  that 
evening,  and  delighted  with  the  opportunity  of  re- 
newing our  intimacy,  gave  me  a  hearty  shake. 

Quinine  at  that  time  happened  to  be  more  rare 
and  precious  than  the  gold  of  Ophir ;  but  one  per- 
son in  the  diggins  had  any,  and  from  him  money 


POE'nC   PETITION.  145 

would  not  buy  nor  love  obtain  it.  Yet  quinine  I 
must  have,  and  knowing  him  to  be  somewhat  of  a 
humorist,  addressed  him  the  following  exquisite 
morceau,  hoping  to  succeed  in  awakening  his  sym- 
pathies : 

Deae  Colonel  : 

In  form  of  an  ague,  the  devil, 

Has  paid  me  a  visit  with  aspect  malign. 
He  has  called  for  his  bitters,  and  one  must  be  civil, 

Please  send  me,  to  treat  him,  a  little  quinine. 

The  quinine  arrived  and  the  ague  departed,  but 
from  that  memorable  day  I  eschewed  all  attempts 
upon  gars  ;  at  least,  fresh  w^ater  ones,  confining 
my  attentions  in  that  line  to  se-gars  exclusively. 

The  sucker,  a  fish  which  abounds  in  our  l^orthern 
streams,  resembling  in  appearance  and  habits  the 
"  buffalo"  of  the  South,  is  more  easily  and  cer- 
tainly taken  by  "tickling"  than  any  other  mode. 
The  time  to  catch  them  is  early  in  the  season.  In 
the  fall  they  run  up  those  brooks  that  form  con- 
necting links  between  rivers  and  ponds,  pass  the 
winter  in  the  latter,  and  taking  a  hint  from  the 
trees,  lecme  in  the  spring. 

Being  an  individual  of  not  the  most  brilliant 
intellectual  powei-s,  the  sucker  fondly  imagines  that 
if  his  head  be  covered  and  his  eyes  darkened  by  a 
projecting  rock  or  overhanging  bank,  he  is  safe 
from  all  danger.     Unfortunate  imbecile  ;  that  pro- 


146  FROM   CODFISH   TO   ALLIGATOK-GAR. 

jecting  finny  extremity,  gently  waving  to  and  fro, 
tells  the  tale  of  his  whereabouts.  He  is  not  to  be 
caught  with  a  hook  ;  try  a  net,  it  is  ten  to  one  that 
you  do  not  get  him  ;  but  kneel  down  upon  the 
bank,  softly,  slowly  insert  your  hands  in  the  water, 
approach  your  customer  gently,  keeping  your  fin- 
gers in  rapid  and  regular  motion;  he  moves  a 
little,  as  if  suspicious  of  his  new  neighbor ;  follow 
him  up  ;  now  he  submits  willingly  to  the  manipu- 
lations ;  move  your  hand  slowly  towards  his  gills, 
then  grasp  him  by  the  head  and  pin  him  against 
the  bank ;  do  not  try  to  take  him  out  with  one 
hand,  but  call  the  other  to  your  aid,  insert  a  finger 
in  the  gills,  and  he  is  a  gone  sucker. 

To  practice  this  art  successfully,  you  should  seek 
a  brook,  such  as  is  rarely  found  except  in  our 
^Northeastern  States,  with  overhanging  banks, 
whose  waters,  clear  and  cold,  rattle  blithely  over 
the  glistening  pebbles,  dancing  and  surging  along 
as  merrily  as  though  they  had  a  soul  and  a  voice, 
and  were  pouring  forth  grateful  songs  to  Him  who 
had  given  them  a  peaceful  home  between  such 
green  and  flowery  banks,  and  daily  poured  down 
upon  their  happy  bosom  so  golden  a  flood  of  light, 
stopping  here  and  there  in  some  deep  enJbayed 
sequestered  nook,  as  if  momentarily  tired  of  their 
gambols,  and  then,  soon  wearied  of  such  prim,  de- 
mure, precise  behavior,  breaking  out  again  for  a 


147 

fresh  frolic,  as  full  of  freaks  and  fancies  as  a  mer- 
ry girl  of  sixteen.  In  the  deeper  places  of  such 
streams  must  the  handfisher  seek  his  prey,  for 
although  he  may  occasionally  take  a  fish  in  some 
shallow  river — or  one  of  those  hybrid  things  neither 
river  nor  brook — yet  I  would  not  advise  the  at- 
tempt for  any  other  purpose  than  experiment ; 
neither  would  I  recommend  any  one  to  attempt  it 
in  any  of  our  Southern  bayous  ;  there  are  other 
things  to  be  found  under  old  roots  and  trees,  be- 
sides trout ;  for  instance,  the  water-moccasin  and 
rattlesnake ;  and  the  fisher,  wading  along,  intent 
upon  his  occupation,  may  not  perceive  that  dark 
object  lying  on  the  bank,  or  floating  lazily 
upon  the  stream,  looking  for  all  the  world  like  a 
decayed  log  in  a  very  dilapidated  condition,  but 
commonly  known  as  an  alligator,  although  in 
sooth  not  very  dangerous,  except  to  negroes,  dogs 
and  hogs ;  yet  my  advice  is  to  keep  out  of  such 
places ;  perhaps  the  reader  will  advise  me  to  keep 
away  from  such  subjects,  mind  my  own  business, 
and  get  on  with  my  story ;  good  counsel  this, 
which  I  shall  in  future  endeavor  to  follow. 


CHAPTEE  XXI. 

tcktling;  from  mud  turtles  to  turtle-doves. 

To  return  to  our  "muttons;"  the  reader  will 
please  remember  that  Job  was  not  the  only  in- 
habitant of  Bay  Harbpr,  early  astir  upon  this  fine 
summer's  morning. 

Harry  was  up  and  ready  quite  as  soon,  if  not  a 
little  sooner  than  his  antagonist,  and  having  got 
into  his  clothes,  and  out  of  his  door  with  all  pos- 
sible speed — what  should  he  stumble  on  at  his 
first  step,  but  the  Captain's  double-barrel,  which 
was  immediately  condemned  as  a  lawful  prize, 
— without  reference  to  any  court  of  admiralty — 
taken  into  his  house,  and  put  snugly  out  of  sight. 

Our  sailor's  next  act  was  to  stow  his  locker  pre- 
vious to  sailing ;  materials  were  found  in  abun- 
dance in  the  widow's  pantry,  and  the  necessary 
cargo  taken  in,  when  just  as  Harry's  hand  was  on 
the  latch,  he  heard  the  gate  give  a  slight  but 
mournful  squeak,  and  reconnoitering  through  the 
crack  of  a  partly  closed  shutter,  beheld  his  enemy 
retreating  down  the  road.     Harry  continued  to 


UP   IN   THE   WORLD.  149 

watch,  and  saw  the  Captain  climb  the  fence,  ap- 
proach the  house,  and  npon  searching  in  vain  for 
his  gun,  take  himself  off. 

"N^ow,  old  fellow,"  said  Harry  familiarly  to 
himself,  "  now  old  fellow,  I've  got  you,  I'm  no 
Indian,  and  have  never  done  any  thing  to  brag 
on  in  the  backwoods  and  pioneering  line,  but  if  I 
can't  sail  in  your  wake,  without  your  knowing  it, 
I  hope  you  '11  get  the  weather  guage  of  me,  and 
keep  it,  that's  all." 

Having  given  the  Captain  as  much  "line"  as 
he  deemed  necessary,  Harry  set  off  in  pursuit ; 
not  exactly  in  the  same  wake,  however,  but  cross- 
ing the  road,  he  found  an  admirable  cover  in  a 
fine  grove  of  locusts,  and  so  keeping  on  a  parallel 
with  the  road,  he  followed  until  it  was  evident 
that  his  quarry  was  making  for  the  pond,  then 
cautiously  crossing  the  path,  he  ascended  a  slight 
liill  upon  the  right,  and  was  soon  in  a  piece  of 
wood,  which  he  skirted,  until  opposite  the  corner 
of  the  pond. 

Here  he  soon  selected  a  lofty  tree  to  serve  as 
an  observatory,  and  up  it  he  went;  far  up,  so 
far  indeed,  that  he  commanded  a  full  view  of 
the  pond,  of  all  the  road,  and  of  the  village  at 
the  head,  and  on  the  right  of  the  Bay.  Sitting 
quietly  in  his  perch,  he  beheld  Job  enter  and  re- 
turn from  the  thicket ;  saw  him  retrace  his  steps. 


150  TUETLING. 

pick  up  the  tarpaulin,  and  throw  it  in  tlie  bushes, 
then  Avalk  up  the  road  again  and  disappear  in  the 
shrubbery  before  Squire  Underwood's  door.  In 
fine,  Harry  maintained  his  position  until  Job  had 
boarded  the  *•'  Sally  Ann,"  left  her  and  returned 
to  shore ;  then  he  descended,  and  keeping  up  the 
path  to  the  right  of  the  pond  for  some  distance, 
plunged  at  last  into  the  bush,  and  was  soon  em- 
barked in  a  skiff  that  he  had  snugly  concealed 
tlie  day  before. 

Harry  had  marked  very  accurately  the  spot 
where  his  hat  had  lodged,  and  now  paddling  quietly 
down  the  pond,  keeping  near  and  almost  in  the 
bushes  that  lined  the  shore,  he  soon  espied  the 
sought  for  object  dangling  from  an  alder  bush, 
and  within  reach  of  his  fishing  2>ole.  Having 
secured  his  prize,  he  cautiously  retraced,  or  rather 
re-paddled  his  course  to  the  upper  end  of  the 
pond,  and  snugly  mooring  his  boat  in  a  quiet  snug 
nook  or  bay,  commenced  his  fishing. 

Whether  he  was  an  adept  in  the  gentle  craft ; 
whether  he  had  chanced  upon  a  densely  populated 
situation ;  or  whether  the  inhabitants  beneath  were 
prodigiously  hungry,  I  cannot  say,  but  it  is  cer- 
tain that  very  soon  the  bottom  of  the  little  skiff 
was  fairly  covered  with  a  glorious  lot  of  perch, 
kicking  up  their  tails,  drawing  heads  and  extre- 
mities as  nearly  as  possible  together — Dick  would 


A   QUEER   NIBBLE.  '  151 

call  the  operation,  "  bending  the  crab" — and  turn- 
ing side  summersets — flapping  about,  throwing 
themselves  in  a  state  of  most  admired  confu- 
sion, and  apparently  in  fine — nay,  "finny  tine" 
spirits ;  and  it  is  farther  certain  that  Harry  be- 
came at  last  so  entirely  engaged  and  absorbed  in 
the  sport  as  to  forget  his  revengeful  feelings 
towards  Job,  his  deeply  laid  plans  of  revenge, 
and,  1  am  almost  afraid,  even  the  existence  of 
Mary. 

At  last  something  appeared  to  have  interfered 
with  the  appetite  of  the  fish ;  the  float  no  longer 
disappeared  as  soon  as  it  touched  the  surface  of 
the  water,  but  commenced  a  lazy  sideway  motion, 
sometimes  dipping  down,  almost  disappearing,  as 
if  a  fish  had  fairly  taken  hold,  then  rising  up 
again  quite  erect,  and  immediately  after,  travel- 
ling quietly  oif  again ;  in  fact,  tantalizing  and  an- 
noying the  fisher  extremely,  and  Harry's  patience 
at  last  was  exhausted ;  he  grew  quite  angry  at 
this  absurd  conduct  upon  the  part  of  some  un- 
known, who  at  the  same  time  trifled  with  his 
breakfast  and  his  angler's  feelings. 

"  This  don't  pay,"  said  Harry,  rising  with  an 
evident  determination  to  do  something  desperate 
whenever  the  mysterious  unknown  should  make 
another  demonstration,  "  this  don't  pay,  and  the 


152  TURTLING.- 

next  time  the  fellow  tries  it  on,  if  I  can't  hook 
him,  by  Jove  !  I'll  give  him  the  toothache." 

He  did  not  wait  long;  the  cork  tipped,  and 
Harry  struck  with  great  force,  but  all  in  vain,  at 
least  as  far  as  the  fish  was  concerned ;  with  regard 
to  himself  the  effect  was  different,  and  the  result 
decided,  for,  not  meeting  with  the  anticipated  re- 
sistance, over  his  head  flew  pole  and  line,  and 
over  went  he,  fortunately  falling  in  the  boat,  and 
not  out  of  it,  and  doubtless  creating  most  unne- 
cessary alarm  among  the  innocent  fish  in  that 
vicinity,  who  must  have  imagined  that  an  earth- 
quake had  just  commenced  "coming  off,"  if  they 
thought  at  all  about  it,  while  very  hastily  chang- 
ing their  quarters,  and  seeking  some  less  dan- 
gerous locality.  Harry  scrambled  up  again,  rub- 
bed the  back  of  his  head,  and  other  afflicted  por- 
tions of  his  corporeal  system,  and  then  looked 
around  him. 

A  small  black  object  was  visible  on  the  surface 
of  the  water ;  it  was  not  larger  than  a  nutmeg, 
but  possessed  a  very  sparkling  and  inquisitive 
pair  of  green  eyes,  that  were  evidently  engaged 
in  seeking  out  the  cause  of  the  disturbance,  and 
looking  around  for  the  delicate  bit  of  worm  which 
had  suddenly  disappeared  in  so  unaccountable  a 
manner. 

"  Confound  that  turtle  !  I  might  have  known  it 


AN  IMPERTINENT  TURTLE.  153 

if  I  had'nt  been  a  fool,"  exclaimed  the  irritated 
fisherman,  striking  at  the  offending  head  with  his 
pole  ;  but  the  former  was  quite  wide  awake,  and 
disappeared  before  the  latter  had  half  reached  the 
water. 

The  persevering  enemy  however  was  not  to  be 
driven  off  so  easily,  for  ere  the  pole  had  been  re- 
stored to  an  upright  position,  up  popped  the  little 
head  again,  and  the  little  eyes — brighter  and 
greener  than  ever — fairly  winked  at  Harry  in  a 
very  audacious  and  impertinent  manner,  and  said 
as  plainly  as  eyes  ever  said,  "  don't  you  wish  you 
could  get  at  me,  my  fine  fellow." 
'  "  Well,  I'll  be  blowed  !"— I  think  it  was  blowed, 
— began  Harry,  at  the  same  time  stooping  to 
pick  up  a  paddle  in  order  to  try  the  effect  of  pro- 
jectiles upon  turtles'  heads.  "Well,  I'll  be  blowed 
- — what's  that  ?     Who's  calling  me  ?" 

This  sudden  diversion  of  thought  and  speech 
upon  our  sailor's  part,  was  occasioned  by  a  voice 
that  he  heard,  or  imagined  that  he  heard,  from  the 
neighboring  bushes.  He  listened  a  moment,  and 
presently — there  w^as  no  mistake  about  it  this 
time — came — 

"  Harry,  Ha-a-a-rry  ! " 

The  voice  was  a  pleasant  voice,  but  the  tone  was 
somewhat  impatient ;  perhaps  a  little  irritated. 

"  Who's  there  ? "  demanded  Harry. 


154:  TURTLING. 

"  It's  me,"  replied  the  voice,  violating  the  rules 
of  grammar,  in  its  anxiety  to  make  itself  known, 
but  not  succeeding  after  all. 

"Who's 'me?'" 

"  Why  la,  Harry,  don't  you  know  ?  It's  me, 
Mary  ; "  and  Mary  it  was,  sure  enough  ;  and  there 
was  a  little  face,  nicely  hemmed  in  by  graceful  curls 
and  surrounded  by  the  nicest,  whitest,  snuggest 
little  sun-bonnet  in  the  \yorld,  peeping  out  from 
among  the  bushes. 

The  head  was  a  very  pretty  head,  much  prettier 
than  the  turtle's,  but  far  more  dangerous  to  look 
upon  ;  and  the  eyes  were  quite  as  bright,  and  even 
more  mischievous. 

If  I  should  tell  you,  you  would  scarcely  believe 
how  soon  Harry  was  on  shore  ;  but  if  you  think  it 
is  my  intention  to  report  what  occurred  immedi- 
ately upon  his  arrival,  you  are  quite  mistaken ;  in 
fact,  had  you  been  near  the  spot,  you  might  have 
heard  the  report  yourself:  I  shall  say  nothing 
about  it,  but  Mary's  speech  may  serve  to  throw  a 
little  light  upon  the  matter.   . 

"  Be  quiet,  and  have  done  !  "  she  screamed, — 
there  was  no  one  near,  and  she  was  sure  of  it.  "  I 
didn't  come  here  to  be  treated  so,  and  you  know  it." 

"  I  know  better,"  replied  Harry ;  "  but  if  you 
don't  like  it,  you  can  have  it  back  again." 

"  No,  you   don't,  Mr.  Harry,"   she  answered ; 


EMBRACING   AN   OPPORTUNITY.  155 

^'  you  ought  to  have  been  at  church  last  Sunday, 
and  have  heard  what  the  minister  said  about  lip- 
service.     I  don't  want  any  of  it." 

The  particulars  of  Harry's  opening  or  salutatory 
address,  are  none  of  our  afiair ;  as  he  had  of  late 
seen  but  little  of  Mary,  and  had  enjoyed  but  few 
chances  of  saying  sweet  things,  &c.,  it  is  highly 
probable  the  present  opportunity  was  properly  em- 
braced, and  you  all  know  what  that  means. 

"Parse  opportunity,"  said  a  pedagogue  to  a 
pretty  girl  of  fifteen. 

"  Opportunity,  sir," -was  the  reply,  "is  a  very 
common  noun,  third  person  plural  number,  femi- 
nine gender " 

"  Feminine  gender  ?  "  repeated  Eatans,  in  amaze- 
ment.    "  And,  pray,  how  do  you  make  that  out  ? " 

"  Why,  sir,"  returned  Miss,  "  I  suppose  so,  for 
the  men  are  always  embracing  them." 

Having  settled  the  preliminaries,  our  contracting 
parties  proceeded  to  business,  and  Mary  informed 
Harry  that  she  had  sought  him  out,  at  his  mother's 
request,  to  advise  with  him  concerning  the  great 
plot  against  the  indomitable  Captain. 

Harry's  plan  was  simple  enough,  being  neither 
more  nor  less  than  to  keep  up  Job's  delusion  with 
regard  to  his  drowning,  and  in  some  way — not  yet 
devised — frighten  him — the  Captain — out  of  his 
design  for  Mary's  match  with  young  Bigler,  and 


loG  TUBTLINO. 

into  one  that  would  be  more  agreeable  to  the  pre- 
sent parties. 

To  this  notable  scheme  there  was  one  serious 
objection  :  Job's  immediate  departure  for  Boston. 

When  Mary  imparted  this  alarming  fact,  Harry 
at  fii-st  expressed  himself  "  taken  all  aback,"  but 
finally  concluded  "  not  to  give  it  up  so,"  but  to 
steal  up  to  the  city,  until  the  Captain's  return,  and 
so  this  part  of  the  conference  ended. 

Mary  also  informed  him,  that  she  had  been  com- 
manded by  her  father,  to  have  her  trunk  packed 
and  on  board  the  sloop  as  soon  as  the  ballast  was 
taken  in,  and  farther  enjoined  her  to  be  on  board 
herself,  in  sailing  order,  by  sunset,  at  which  time 
he  expected  to  return. 

Now,  as  the  vessel  would  doubtless  be  all  ready 
and  hauled  off  into  the  channel  by  2  p.m.,  and  as 
both  Pete  and  Dick  could  be  depended  upon,  it 
occurred  to  Harry  that  he  might  row  Mary  off 
very  quietly  at  the  latter  hour,  and  spend  a  pleas- 
ant afternoon  with  her  on  the  Sally  Ann,  without 
any  one  but  themselves  and  the  aforesaid  crew 
being  a  bit  the  wiser. 

All  this  having  been  duly  arranged,  this  Con- 
gress, quite  as  important  and  not  half  so  ridiculous 
as  the  late  affair  at  Ostend,  broke  up  peaceably, 
and  Harry  conducted  Mary  out  of  the  wood. 

The  path  being  very  narrow,  and  the  pair  deeply 


A   WAI8TER.  '  157 

engaged  in  conversation,  Harry  found  it  indispen- 
sably necessary  to  sustain  Mary,  by  placing  his 
arm  around  her  waist ;  otherwise,  they  could  not 
have  walked  side  by  side. 

Having  commenced  his  sea-service  as  a  "  waist- 
er,"  the  sailor  did  not  find  this  at  all  difficult,  and 
as  for  Mary, — seeing  the  necessity,  she  submitted 
to  it  as  a  matter  of  course. 

When  they  parted  at  the  termination  of  the 
wood-path,  it  is  probable  that  Harry  had  some- 
thing of  very  grave  importance,  requiring  the 
observation  of  great  secrecy  to  impart,  since  his' 
head  disappeared,  for  quite  a  time,  beneath  the 
overhanging  roof  of  the  sun-bonnet,  and  he  held 
the  girl  very  close  indeed  to  him,  to  prevent  the 
escape  of  the  least  syllable. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

IN   WHICH   JOB   MAKES   A   WONDERFUL   DISCOVERY. 

"  CoNSARN  the  birds,"  said  Captain  Job,  as  he  set 
forth  upon  his  journey  inland — "  consarn  the  birds ! 
I  don't  see  what  on  airth  's  the  use  of  their  etarnal 
jabber;  if  I  had  ye" — shaking  his  fist  at  a  tree 
full  of  them — "  if  I  only  had  ye  by  the  throat, 
wouldn't  I  clap  on  a  stopper  over  all,  wouldn't  I  ? 
that's  all." 

Having  relieved  his  feelings  by  this  anathema 
against  the  feathered  tribe,  he  rolled  on  as  fast  as 
his  short  legs  would  allow  him,  but  his  speed  after 
all  was  not  much  to  boast  of;  for,  although  quite 
able  to  hold  his  own  when  on  board  the  saucy 
little  ''  Sally  Ann,"  he  was  anything  but  a  clipper, 
when  he  had  his  land- tacks  aboard. 

It  was  quite  early  when  he  set  forth,  and  the  dis- 
tance to  Bigler's  home — his  ultimate  destination — 
only  some  four  miles  in  a  direct  line ;  but  heavy 
fields  of  grass  and  grain  prevented  his  taking  the 
short-cut,  and  so  he  was  obliged  to  go  full  a  mile 
directly  out  of  the  way,  and  to  pass  the  widow's. 


BIGLER   FOUND   OUT.  159 

— which  he  did  very  sheepishly  indeed, — then  hav- 
ing reached  the  main  road,  he  had  a  long  and,  for 
the  island,  quite  a  steep  hill  to  ascend  ;  and  finally, 
having  gained  the  top,  finding  himself  completely 
blown,  and  not  really  nearer  his  journey's  end 
than  when  he  started,  he  concluded  to  call  at  a 
friend's,  who  lived  hard  by — with  whom  he  had 
extensive  dealings  in  the  clam  and  oyster  line ; — 
while  here,  a  pipe  or  two  must  be  smoked,  and  a 
glass  or  so  of  grog  discussed;  so  that,  at  ten 
o'clock,  instead  of  finding  himself  fairly  anchored 
in  port,  he  was  only  getting  under  way  for  his 
second  start. 

Now,  any  one  at  all  acquainted  with  Long 
Island,  knows  that  travelling  on  a  sandy  road  in  a 
hot  June  morning,  especially  if  the  traveller  rolls 
considerably  in  his  gait,  and  progresses  cow- 
fashion,  is  pretty  hot  work ;  and  so  Job  found  it. 
He  said  very  improper  things  about  the  road,  and 
the  weather ;  condemned  to  perdition  his  own  eyes, 
those  of  the  widow,  of  Harry,  and  finally  of  old 
Bigler  and  his  son ;  took  a  rest  for  every  ten  min- 
utes of  walk,  making  the  rests  much  longer  than  the 
labor;  and  at  last,  hot,  cross,  and  tired,  made  the 
port  at  precisely  meridian,  and  found  that  he  might 
have  his  labor  for  his  pains,  as  old  Bigler  had  gone 
to  New  York  with  marketing. 

His  intended  son-in-law,  Tony,  was  at  home,  to 


160         JOB   MAKES    A   WONDERFUL   DISCOVERY. 

be  sure ;  but  Job,  although  determined  upon  the 
relationship,  knew  him  to  be  altogether  too  great  a 
fool  to  advise  with  concerning  his  present  predic- 
ament. 

The  family  mansion  of  the  Biglers  was  a  long, 
rambling  concern,  an  assortment  of  low  houses, 
commencing  with  a  story-and-a-half  affair,  then  one 
of  a  single  story  joined  to  it,  another  lesser  yet 
appended,  and  finally  a  long  wash-room  completed 
the  odd  assemblage. 

Each  had  been  painted  when  built,  and  the 
same  colors  were  impartially  bestowed  upon  all :  a 
deep  brick-red  on  the  sides,  and  a  Spanish-brown 
on  the  roof ;  but  time  had  fairly  destroyed  every 
vestige  of  paint  upon  the  old  family  seat;  had 
nearly  obliterated  the  flaming  glories  of  mansion 
the  second ;  treated  the  third  in  rather  a  shabby 
manner;  and  was  now  at  work  on  number  four, 
whose  color,  although  decidedly  red,  presented  a 
stale  and  somewhat  wo-begone  appearance, — the 
original  brilliance  having  departed. 

In  the  low  door  of  number  three,  a  building  an- 
swering the  combined  purposes  of  kitchen  and 
dining-room,  stood  the  lady  of  the  castle — the 
dame  Bigler  herself — a  lady  physically  the  anti- 
thesis of  Aunt  Keziah,  and  who  was  at  this  mo- 
ment occupied  in  filling  the  door-way  with  her 
person,  and  a  huge  conch-shell  with  her  breath ; 


MRS.    BIGLER   BLOWS   HER   HORN.  161 

in  fine,  she  was  summoning  all  the  retainers  of  the 
Bigler  family  to  their  mid-day  repast. 

It  is  not  my  intention  to  describe  the  lady's  de- 
light at  the  sight  of  the  venerated  Job,  nor  shall  I 
relate  all  the  hospitable  kindness  showered  upon 
him  ;  it  is  quite  enough  for  our  purpose  to  know, 
that  through  the  dame's  instrumentality  he  was 
stufiied  almost  to  suffocation,  although  not  restored 
to  his  usual  equanimity  of  mind,  even  by  this 
agreeable  relaxation. 

In  fact,  after  discovering  the  absence  of  the 
^pater-familias^  Job  scarcely  uttered  a  syllable  un- 
til he  announced  his  intention  of  returning  imme- 
diately and  incontinently  to  Bay  Harbor  and  to  the 
"  Sally  Ann." 

Then  arose  from  Mrs.  Bigler  a  torrent  of  re- 
monstrances against  so  rash  a  step.  "Why!  to 
think  of  walking  five  miles  in  the  broiling  sun 
after  so  hearty  a  dinner — though  the  Captain 
hadn't  eat  nothin  to  speak  on ;  she  was  sure  she 
didn't  know  where  he  had  lost  his  appetite :  her 
vittles  was  common,  she  knew,  and  not  what  folks 
usen  to  visitin  York  was  usen  to;  but  they  was 
clean  and  wholesome,  though  she  said  it  herself, — 
and  there,  if  she  hadn't  forgot  to  offer  the  Captain 
suthin  to  rest  him  and  keep  off  the  hot  sun ! " 

The  "  suthin "  was  contained  in  a  black  bottle, 


162         JOB   MAKES    A   WONDERFUL   DISCOVERY. 

and  Job  took  more  kindly  to  her  prescription  than 
he  did  to  her  advice. 

Now  the  old  lady  had  a  plan  in  her  head,  and  it 
was  no  less  than  to  detain  the  impracticable  sea- 
man nntil  Jerry  should  have  time  to  harness  the 
old  mare,  and  get  out  the  best  wagon  wherewithal 
to  carry  the  former  back  to  the  Harbor. 

In  this  she  was  partly  successful ;  she  held  the 
Captain  enchained  by  her  skill  in  converse,  until 
the  wagon,  the  mare,  and  Tony  made  their  joint 
appearance  at  the  door ;  but  then  Mrs.  Bigler  real- 
ized the  truth  of  an  old  proverb,  concerning  leading 
a  horse  to  water,  and  afterward  compelling  him  to 
drink — Job  would  not  ride,  and  that  was  the  whole 
of  it. 

It  is  highly  probable  that  he  would  have  re- 
turned a  rude  answer  to  the  repeated  and  deter- 
mined solicitations  of  the  old  lady  and  her  son, 
had  not  his  attention  been  attracted  to  the  wagon. 

The  Captain  was  not  in  the  habit  of  noticing 
either  wagons  or  horses,  but  somehow  this  particu- 
lar specimen  seemed  to  be  an  old  acquaintance ; 
and  while  Mrs.  Bigler  ran  on  with  her  solicitations 
in  an  apparently  endless  strain,  our  hero  proceeded 
to  examine  the  vehicle.  There  was  no  mistake 
about  it ;  it  was  the  identical  wagon  that  he  had 
seen  in  the  store-shed  the  previous  afternoon  ;  the 
very  one  that  stood  before  the  widow's  door,  and. 


DEMAND   FOR    "  SHORT   CUT."  163 

if  confirmation  were  needed,  the  presence  of  an 
empty  sack  and  a  few  white  feathers  gave  it. 

A  host  of  ideas  rushed  at  once  into  Job's  brain, 
jostling  themselves  for  want  of  room,  and  caus- 
ing the  said  brain's  proprietor  great  uneasiness 
from  the  extreme  rarity  of  the  event.  As  he  did 
not  know  what  to  say,  he  said  nothing,  but  deter- 
mined to  "  up  sail "  for  home  with  all  speed. 

'Not  far  from  the  Bigler  Mansion  was  a  strip  of 
woodland,  which  extended  as  far  as  the  pond  ;  it 
was  on  the  right  of  the  main  road,  at  some  distance 
from  it,  and  being  bounded  on  the  farther  side  by 
poor,  scrub-oak  land,  and  then  by  the  great  plain, 
or  prairie,  of  the  Island,  was  almost  a  wilderness, 
and  seldom  frequented,  except  by  the  farmer  in 
quest  of  fire-wood,  or  an  occasional  sportsman  in 
search  of  game. 

Our  Captain  turned  sharply  around,  and  inter- 
rupted the  flow  of  the  dame's  eloquence  by  an  in- 
quiry of  Tony  as  to  the  existence  of  a  path, 
which,  in  his  boyish,  rabbit-hunting  days,  ran 
through  this  wood. 

Tony  at  first  said — yes,  and  then — no ;  finally 
became  confused,  and  in  a  blundering  way  endeav- 
ored to  convince  the  Captain  of  the  impossibility 
of  his  finding  the  way ;  but  as  this  only  rendered 
Job  more  firm  in  his  determination  to  attempt  it, 
the  youth  volunteered  his  services  as  guide. 


104:         JOB   MAKES   A   WONDERFrL   DISCOVERY. 

This,  Job  would  not  hear  of,  and  cut  the  matter 
short  by  marching  off.  His  memory  did  not  be- 
tray him,  for  he  not  only  found  the  wood-patli 
without  difficulty,  but  found  it,  too,  in  much  better 
condition  than  he  had  expected.  Following  on, 
for  perhaps  a  quarter  of  a  mile,  he  discovered  a 
wonderful  change :  the  well-travelled  track  sud- 
denly became  almost  extinct,  and  was  nearly  lost 
amid  a  maze  of  imderbrush  and  blackberry- 
bushes,  in  which  he  floundered  about  for  a  while, 
and  then  thinking  he  had  missed  the  way,  returned 
upon  his  tracks. 

He  regained  the  well-beaten  path,  and  found 
that,  without  any  apparent  reason,  the  travel  upon 
it  went  to  a  certain  point,  and  then  seemed  to 
cease  abruptly.  lie  stooped  down  to  examine 
more  closely,  and  soon  discovered  that  the  foot- 
prints evidently  were  turned  into  the  wood  ;  so 
into  the  wood  he  plunged,  and  upon  stumbling 
over  a  lot  of  limbs  and  brush,  placed  as  a  ruse-de- 
guerre^  found  the  continuation  of  the  path. 

Tliis  soon  led  him  to  a  piece  of  wet,  marshy 
ground ;  but  through  it  w^ent  he,  and  when  upon 
the  other  side,  a  sight  that  filled  him  with  amaze- 
ment and  indignation  met  his  eye. 

It  was  a  huge  turkey-pen,  in  w^hich  were  con- 
fined  at  least   an  hundred  fine,  fat  birds,  with 


BIGLER    "found   OUt"    AGAIN.  165 

clipped  wings,  and  among  them  his  own  white 
gobbler,  with  two  junior  brethren. 

Who  was  the  turkej-thief,  was  now  perfectly 
apparent,  and  cursing  his  own  folly  and  obstinacy, 
which,  he  was  persuaded,  had  resulted  in  the  death 
of  Harry  Flint,  he  clambered  over  the  pen,  se- 
cured his  property,  and,  having  tied  their  legs, 
threw  the  birds  over  his  shoulder,  made  his  way 
through  the  woods  to  the  road,  and  took  the  short- 
est cut  home — caring  very  little  whose  grass  or 
grain  he  trampled  down. 

The  Yankee  clock  upon  the  kitchen  mantle- tree 
was  striking  three  as  the  Captain  entered ;  Keziah 
was  just  striking  one, — an  offending  cat,  taken  in 
the  very  act  of  committing  a  petty  larceny. 

"  Keziah ! "  demanded  Job,  throwing  himself  in 
a  chair,  "  vvhere's  Mary  ? " 

"  Pete 's  been  here  after  her  trunk,  and  she  has 
gone  aboard  too,"  replied  the  maiden. 

"  Put  my  things  in  a  bundle,  and  look  sharp 
about  it,"  commanded  Job. 

This  was  soon  done,  and  Job  was  about  leaving 
the  house  without  another  word,  when  Keziah  laid 
her  hand  upon  his  arm,  and  in  a  voice  of  most 
ominous  softness,  said, 

"  But,  dear  Job,  before  you  go — you  know — I 
don't  know  what  to  say — you  are  so  strange." 

"  I  said  I'd  marry  you,  and  when  I  come  back, 


166         JOB   MAKES   A   WONDERFUL   DISCOVERT. 

I  will,  by  the  living  jingo  ! "  replied  Job ;  "  but  I 
can't  stop  now.     Good-bye." 

"  Farewell,  dear  Job,"  sighed  the  maiden,  fall- 
ing upon  his  weather-beaten  neck,  and  showing 
strong  symptoms  of  engaging  in  the  fainting  busi- 
ness. 1 

Our  hero  deposited  his  interesting  burden  upon 
a  chair,  and  catching  up  his  bundle,  hastened  out. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

OFF   AT   LAST,    AND   WriH    ONE   HAND   ON   BOARD,    NOT 
DOWN   IN   THE   SHIPPING   PAPERS. 

During  the  absence  of  Captain  Job,  the  "  Sally 
Ann,"  or  rather  her  crew,  had  not  been  idle. 
Immediately  after  his  departure,  they  had  weighed 
anchor — it  did  not  weigh  much,  by  the  way — • 
hoisted  the  jib,  ran  across  the  narrow  strip  of 
water  that  constituted  the  upper  Bay,  and  made 
fast  to  a  small  wharf  near  the  squire's  store.  By 
1  p.  M.,  the  provisions,  and  ballast — some  twenty 
loads  of  round  stone — were  on  board,  and  as  the 
tide  had  commenced  running  out,  Pete  hastened 
across  the  Bay  in  his  small  boat  for  Mary's  trunk, 
and  having  got  it  on  board,  cast  off  his  moorings, 
and  running  through  the  narrow,  tortuous  channel 
that  connected  the  two  Bays,  came  to  an  anchor  in 
the  lower — all  ready  for  Job,  when  he  should  make 
his  appearance. 

When  Pete  and  the  trunk  left  the  house  to- 
gether, Mary  started  in  their  company,  but  contin- 
ued in  it  no  longer  than  she  reached  the  shore. 


168  OFF   AT   LAST. 

Here  she  found  Harry  awaiting  her,  and  seated 
upon  a  rock  on  the  beach,  they  watched  the  mate's 
progress  across  the  Bay,  waited  until  the  sloop  was 
nearly  through  the  channel,  and  then  embarking 
in  a  snug  skiff,  went  in  pursuit  of  her. 

They  were  soon  on  the  deck  of  the  vessel,  and 
Mary  having  declared  that  she  must  go  immedi- 
diately  down  in  the  cabin,  and  "  put  it  to  rights ; " 
of  course  Harry  went  down  also  to  assist  her. 
It  is  to  be  presumed  that  when  below,  they  found 
a  great  deal  to  do;  for,  more  than  an  hour  had 
passed,  without  their  reappearing  on  deck. 

How  much  longer  they  would  have  staid  had 
they  not  been  disturbed,  does  not  appear;  but 
their  cabin-cleaning  was  suddenly  put  a  stop  to, 
by  Pete's  calling  Harry,  and  requesting  his  pre- 
sence above. 

■  It  seems  that  in  their  haste  to  get  away  from  the 
wharf,  one  important  command  of  Job  had  been 
neglected.  He  had  told  them  to  leave  the  small 
boat  for  him,  and  in  the  place  of  so  doing,  they 
had  towed  it  astern  along  with  them,  and  now  Pete 
wanted  the  loan  of  Harry's  skiff  to  take  the  boat 
back  to  the  wharf,  and  leave  it  there. 

'*  What  time  will  the  old  man  be  back  ? "  asked 
Harry. 

"  Not  afore  sundown,  he  said,  when  he  gin  out 
his  orders,"  replied  Pete. 


PETE   MAKES    A    SPEECH.  160 

"  Well,  then,  you  are  welcome  to  my  skiff;  but, 
Pete,  don't  you  hang  about  the  store,  and  let  Cap- 
tain Job  catch  you  there,  and  me  here,"  said 
Harry. 

"  If  you  do,"  interrupted  Mary,  "  if  you  do, 

Pete,  I'll 1  don't  know  what  I'll  do  to  you,  but 

it  will  be  something  dreadful." 

"  Pshaw  I  Miss  Mary,"  answered  the  gallant 
mate,  "  you  wouldn't  hurt  a  mouse,  to  say  nothin 
about  a  poor  feller  like  me,  unless  you  did  it  with 
them  eyes  of  yourn  ;  but  don't  be  skeart — he  can't 
catch  me  ;  might  as  well  catch  a  weasel." 

"  I'll  tell  ye  what,"  continued  he  energetically, 
"  I'll  tell  ye  what — if  I  let  the  old  man  catch  you 
here,  Captin  Flint,  may  I  never  dance  at  your 
weddin,  and  if  I  don't  expect  to  do  that  shortly, 
and  at  Captin  Job's  house  too,  may  I  be  keel- 
hauled, that's  all." 

Kow,  this  was  a  wonderful  speech  for  Pete ; 
certainly  the  longest  he  was  ever  known  to  make, 
and  it  hit  right  and  left  with  its  compliments,  like 
a  double-barrel ;  somehow  the  "  Captin  "  tickled 
Harry  amazingly,  and  the  allusion  to  her  eyes  fairly 
made  Mary  blush. 

"  Now,  go  along,  Pete,"  she  exclaimed ;  "  I 
don't  know  what's  got  into  you.  What  do  you 
know  about  girls'  eyes  ?  "^ 

"  Not  much.  Miss  Mary,"  he  replied,  as  he  went 
8 


170  OFF   AT   LAST. 

over  the  side ;  "  but  I'd  like  to  see  a  pair  beat 
yourn, — that's  all." 

Off  went  Pete,  pulling  the  skiff,  and  towing  the 
other  boat,  and  Harry  being  on  deck,  commenced 
an  examination  of  the  vessel  and  her  rigging,  with 
the  critical  eye  of  a  thorough  seaman. 

All  was  seemingly  satisfactory  until  he  came  to 
the  quarter-deck,  and  then  he  seemed  to  be  search- 
ing for  something  in  vain  ;  at  last  he  called — 

"Dick!" 

Dick,  at  this  moment  was,  as  usual,  reversed,  and 
treating  his  heels  to  a  sight  of  Pete  and  the  two 
boats  ;  but,  having  turned  right  side  up  with  great 
alacrity,  acknowledged  the  call,  in  man-of-war's 
style,  with  an — 

"  Aye,  aye,  sir." 

"  Where  have  you  st6wed  your  compass,  Dick  ? " 

'*  Ain't  got  none,  sir." 

"  No  compass  ! — why,  Mary,  it  can't  be  possible 
that  the  old  fool — beg  pardon, — didn't  mean  to 
offend  you — but  it  can't  be,  that  your  father  is  go- 
ing outside  without  a  compass ;  why,  I  must  ship 
for  this  voyage,  whether  the  old  man  wants  me  or 
not." 

"  No,  indeed  ;  you  neither  can  nor  shall,"  replied 
Mary.  "If  he  should  find  you  on  board,  the 
world  would  come  to  an  end ;  or,  if  it  didn't,  there 
would  be  an  end  to  every  thing  between  us,  you 


171 

may  depend.  Now  promise  me,  that  whatever 
happens,  you  will  not  let  my  father  find  you  here." 

Of  course  Harry  had  to  give  the  promise,  and 
then  it  occurred  to  him  that  they  had  not  quite  fin- 
ished righting  the  cabin ;  so  down  they  went,  and 
there  they  staid  until  aroused  by  Dick,  who  was  on 
the  look-out. 

"  Hallo  ! "  shouted  the  urchin,  "  you'd  better 
rouse  out  below  there ;  old  man 's  close  aboard, 
along  with  Pete,  and  they're  comin  it  with  the 
tide,  I  tell  you ;  the  old  boat 's  a  walkin." 

Here  was  a  predicament,  a  regular  fix :  Harry 
on  board,  the  sloop  out  in  the  stream,  and  no 
means  of  leaving  her  except  by  swimming.  He 
proposed  to  ^lay  Leander  for  this  occasion  only ; 
but  the  proposition  was  promptly  and  decidedly 
negatived  by  Mary,  who,  after  thinking  a  moment, 
came  to  the  conclusion,  that  present  dangers  must 
be  guarded  against,  and  future  ones  suflfered  to 
take  care  of  themselves. 

Now  the  "  Sally  Ann,"  small  as  she  was,  had 
both  cabin  and  forecastle,  although  both  were  on 
rather  a  limited  scale,  and  down  the  forecastle 
Mary — who  had  fairly  taken  command  on  the 
emergency — ordered  the  sailor.  A  movable  bulk- 
head separated  the  forecastle  from  the  hold,  and 
by  removing  a  board,  Harry  found  his  way  into 
the  latter,  where  he  was  under  strict  orders  to  re- 


1Y2  OFF   AT   LAST. 

main  until  Captain  Job  should  return  to  shore,  as 
both  supposed  that  he  certainly  would.  Mar}^, 
having  secured  Harry's  retreat,  took  up  a  position 
in  the  cabin,  pulled  out  a  book  from  her  trunk, 
and  went  at  it,  as  if  for  a  hard  day's  work. 

Presently  the  boat  was  heard  close  aboard, — 
some  one  jumped  on  deck,  then  the  boat  was  ap- 
parently hauled  round  to  the  stern  and  made  fast, 
and  at  last  Job's  voice  was  heard — 

"  All  hands,  up  killock !  " 

If  the  pair  below  were  completely  surprised  by 
Job's  sudden  arrival,  they  were  now  fairly  con- 
founded ;  but  woman's  wit  soon  came  to  the  res- 
cue, and  stepping  to  the  thin  partition  that  sepa- 
rated the  cabin  from  the  hold,  she  pushed  aside  a 
movable  plank,  and  called  Harry  to  her  in  a  low 
voice. 

"  What  is  it,  Mary  ? "  asked  he,  "  and  what  in 
thunder  am  I  to  do, — caught  here  like  a  rat  in  a 
trap?" 

"  What  are  you  to  do?"  she  replied ;  "  act  like 
a  man  as  you  are ;  see  there,  through  the  cabin- 
windows  ;  you  can  take  that  boat,  and  make  your 
escape  as  soon  as  it  is  dark.  If  you  fail,  why 
make  the  best  of  it.  I  should  think  you  might 
make  the  trip  to  Boston  where  you  are,  for  my 
sake,  if  you  love  me  as  well  as  you  say." 

"  Yes  ;  but,  Mary,"  he  began — 


THINGS    GETTING    "  NO   BETTER   VERY   FAST."    173 

"  No  *  buts'  about  it,"  she  returned,  "  but  right 
back  into  your  cubby-house,  and  wait  my  orders," 
and  giving  him  a  slight  push,  she  pulled  the  plank 
again  in  its  place. 

It  must  be  confessed  that  in  despite  of  the  dan- 
ger they  ran,  she  could  scarcely  refrain  from  a 
hearty  laugh  at  the  ridiculous  predicament  in 
which  her  lover  was  placed. 

Perhaps  Mary  was  a  little  romantic,  and  rather 
fancied  the  idea  of  the  sailor's  escape  from  her  out- 
raged and  indignant  father,  by  quietly  stealing 
away  in  the  moonlight  in  the  outraged  and  indig- 
nant father's  own  and  only  boat.  If  she  did,  the 
next  command  from  on  deck  was  as  good  as  a 
bucket  of  water  on  her  hopes  and  aspirations. 

"  Here,  you  Dick !  jump  about,  and  haul  the 
boat  around  to  the  shrouds.  You,  Pete !  let  the 
jib  alone,  and  rig  a  tackle  to  hoist  her  in ;  we 
ought  to  have  done  it  afore  we  got  up  the  killock, 
but  'tain't  too  late  ;  if  Pm  goin  to  sea,  Pll  go  ship- 
shape, by  the  living  jingo  !" 

"  Captain,"  said  Pete,  in  a  supplicating  tone,  "  I 
guess  'tain't  worth  while ;  them  Boston  schooners 
always  tows  their  boats  astarn." 

"Who  asked  your  advice.  Mister  Pete?"  de- 
manded Job.  "  Who 's  Captin  aboard  here,  Fd 
like  to  know  ? — 'bey  order's,  or  Pll  put  you  ashore, 
by  the  living  jingo ! " 


174  OFF   AT   LAST. 

As  this  tlireat  had  been  made  every  time  that 
Pete  had  volunteered  his  advice,  for  the  last  fif- 
teen years,  he  did  not  mind  it  much,  but  the  usual 
effect  was  produced,  and  he  said  no  more  on  the 
subject. 


CHAPTEK  XXIY. 

A  NEW  "  ROAD  TO  BOSTON" PETE  OBEYS  ORDERS,  AND 

PLAYS  THE  VERY  D L. 

The  Sally  Ann,  completely  adrift,  floated  out 
upon  a  strong  tide,  while  master  and  crew  were 
securing  the  small  boat.  Round  and  round  went 
the  sloop,  until  the  job  was  done  to  Job's  satisfac- 
tion, and  then  hoisting  the  jib,  he  got  steerage  way 
on  the  vessel,  put  Dick  at  the  tiller,  and  with  Pete 
commenced  hauling  away  at  "peak  and  throat- 
halyards."  In  a  few  minutes,  the  Sally  Ann  was 
walking  out  of  the  harbor  in  a  way  that  no  other 
Bay  sloop  could  imitate.  Buoyed  up  and  carried 
along  by  the  "  ebb,"  with  a  strong  breeze  from 
the  South  just  abaft  the  beam,  away  she  flew 
dashing  oif  little  jets  of  spray  from  her  bows,  as  if 
rejoicing  at  her  escape  from  the  shore. 

Job's  spirits  rose  with  the  increasing  speed  of 
his  vessel,  and  as  spirits  arose  above  deck,  he 
determined  they  should  descend  below,  so  below 
he  went  to  freshen  his  nip.  [N'ow,  our  hero,  as  I 
have  before  hinted,  was  always  able  and  willing 


176  A   NEW    "  ROAD  TO   BOSTON." 

to  take  his  allowance,  but  seldom  exceeded  it.  He 
had  stepped  over  the  bounds  the  preceding  night, 
and  the  events  of  the  evening  had  so  worked  upon 
his  usually  calm  and  self-possessed  mind,  that  the 
man  was  anything  but  himself — which  some  per- 
sons, perhaps,  may  be  malicious  enough  to  con- 
sider a  gain.  The  morning's  discovery,  together 
with  sundry  and  divers  deep  draughts,  had  not 
helped  matters  at  all,  and  it  would  have  been 
evident  to  an  experienced  observer,  that  Job,  at 
this  particular  moment,  although  able  to  carry  full 
sail,  would  have  to  "  close  reef "  and  "  lay  to," 
should  the  wind  freshen  a  little  more. 

Well,  below  he  went,  and  having  helped  him- 
self rather  deeply,  soon  emerged  again  with  Mary 
in  tow.  The  Sally  Ann  was  doing  even  better 
than  before.  Away  slie  flew  past  cove,  and  head- 
land, and  shingled  beach,  past  fishers'  huts,  and 
clusters  of  old  trees  growing  upon  the  water's 
brink,  that  seemed  to  nod  approval  to  her  pro- 
gress, and  waved  their  green  boughs  as  a  parting 
token  of  their  friendship.  Away  she  flew  past 
knots  of  children  upon  the  shore,  and  as  her 
shadow  fell  upon  them,  they  looked  up  from  play, 
leaving  their  tiny  boats  to  undertake  rash  voyages 
upon  their  own  account,  and  the  boys  shouted 
with  delight,  threw  up  their  weather-beaten  hats, 
and  cut  queer  antics  upon  the  sand,  while  the  girls 


A  WATER    PICTUBE.  177 

danced,  clapped  their  hands,  and  waved  their 
aprons :  away  she  flew,  past  the  yawning  mouth 
of  "  Muscle  Bay  "  upon  the  left,  past  the  rocky 
headland  on  the  right,  and  the  broad  sound  opened 
before  her. 

Pete  sings  out  in  an  authoritative  voice  to  Dick 
to  come  aft  and  pay  out  the  main  sheet, — for  they 
are  to  have  the  wind  almost  astern,  when  they 
shall  have  turned  the  corner,  and  headed  up  the 
Sound — but  to  the  astonishment  of  all  hands,  the 
captain  countermands  the  order,  and  directs  the 
helmsman  to  lay  his  course  for  the  Connecticut 
shore. 

The  water  is  covered  with  sail.     Here,  on  the 

right,  approach  two  bright-sided  top-sail  schooners, 

with  every  thing  set,  and  evidently  trying  their 

relative  speed.     Up  the  sound  appears  a  fleet  of 

Long  Island  sloops,  returning  home    with   their 

loads  of  ashes  and  manure,  convoyed  by  two  or 

three  Boston  schooners,  with  their  high  bulwarks, 

and  half  sea-going  appearance.     Here  is  a  sloop 

with  her  mast  leaning  so  far  forward  as  almost  to 

convey  the  idea  that  it  is  going  by  the  board ; 

there,  half  way  to  the  opposite  main-land,  a  dozen 

or  more  saucy-looking  smacks,  with  their  black 

hulls   and  cocked   up   noses — bows   I   mean — all 

making  famous  headway,  and  caring  but  little 

whether  it  blows  high  or  low.     Scattered  about, 

8* 


178  A  NE^V 

and  shaping  their  courses  North,  South,  East  or 
West,  may  be  seen  occasional  brigs  and  brigan- 
tines,  and  a  stray  bark  or  so,  while  a  pair  of 
steamers,  leaving  their  black  smoke-trails  between 
us  and  the  blue  heaven,  and  an  awkward,  black, 
weather-beaten,  and  storm-abused  whale  ship, 
working  slowly  along  for  her  home  at  New  Lon- 
don or  Stonington,  complete  the  picture. 

The  Boston  schooners  that  I  have  mentioned 
were  about  four  miles  west  of  the  Sally  Ann,  and 
midway  between  the  Connecticut  and  Long  Island 
shores,  so  that  as  the  sloop's  speed  was  evidently 
much  greater  than  theirs,  and  the  width  of  the 
Sound  at  this  point  about  ten  miles,  Job's  calcu- 
lation that  by  laying  his  course  right  across,  he 
must  fall  in  with  them,  proved  correct. 

When  within  a  mile  of  the  nearest  schooner, 
Job  took  the  helm,  called  Mary  to  his  side,  and 
perceiving  that  they  would  necessarily  cross  the 
bow  of  the  vessel  if  they  held  on,  he  ordered  Pete 
to  haul  in  the  main  sheet,  and  "  luflSng,"  turned 
the  head  of  the  sloop  up  the  Sound,  running  right 
on  a  wind,  and  directly  for  the  schooner. 

In  five  minutes  they  were  abreast  of  her,  and 
then  "  keeping  away,"  ran  fairly  under  her  stern, 
and  Mary,  at  her  father's  request,  read  her  name, 
"The  '  Arno,'  of  Augusta.'" 

"  Won't   do,"  said   Job,    "  leastways,   if  she's 


179 

bound  there."  And  clapping  his  hands — impro- 
vised into  a  speaking  trumpet  for  the  occasion — to 
his  mouth,  he  hailed, — 

"  Wharbouts  ye  bound  ?" 

"  Bath,  with  corn  and  flour." 

Job  shook  his  head,  and  held  on  his  course,  but 
in  a  few  minutes  round  he  went  again,  and  return- 
ing, ran  under  the  stern  of  schooner  number  two. 

Mary  read,  "  'Evaline,'  of  Boston." 

"  Where  ye  bound,  and  what's  your  loadin  ?" 
roared  out  Job. 

"  Boston,  with  dry  g<»ods  and  groceries." 

''  That'll  do.  I'm  after  ye,"  replied  Job,  as  he 
shot  by  the  schooner. 

Now,  it  happened  that  the  Sally  Ann's  small 
boat  was  placed  upon  lier  hatches,  crossway  of  the 
deck,  and  covered  with  an  old  tarpaulin,  and  not 
being  of  the  regular  and  legitimate  jolly  boat 
species,  but  a  long  clinker  built  afi'air,  it  presented 
to  the  inquiring  eyes  of  Captain  Elnathan  Per- 
kins— who  was  standing  on  the  Evaline's  stern — 
quite  a  suspicious  appearance. 

The  tout  enaemUe  of  the  Sally  Ann  was  innocent 
in  the  extreme,  but  Captain  Perkins — an  exceed- 
ingly cautious  character — some  how  did  not  fancy 
it.  He  had  heard  of  modest-looking  pirates,  with 
gigantic  "  long  tonis "    upon    t^eir    (Jecks,    and 


180  A   NEW 

"  guessed  that  long  critter  looked  pesky  like  one, 
covered  up  with  a  heap  of  old  sail." 

"  What  did  that  feller  sing  out  last  ?"  he  de- 
manded of  his  mate. 

"  Why,  when  you  said  our  cargo  was  dry  goods 
and  groceries,  he  sung  out  that  you'd  do^  and  that 
he'd  catch  you,"  replied  the  mate. 

If  the  appearance  of  the  sloop,  coupled  with 
the  supposed  threat  of  her  master,  disturbed  Cap- 
tain Perkins'  equanimity  of  mind,  subsequent 
events  alarmed  him  still  more,  for  the  Sally  Ann 
continued  her  strange  manoeuvres. 

She  ran  on  a  few  miles,  and  Perkins  flattered 
himself  that  he  was  done  with  her  ;  then,  off  went 
she  to  the  windward,  and  very  soon  round  she 
came  again,  and  passing  him  a  second  time,  left 
liim  astern. 

This  was  repeated  more  than  once  ;  in  fact,  per- 
sisted in  until  nightfall,  when  Job,  having  as  he 
supposed  ascertained  the  exact  relative  speed  of 
the  two  vessels,  suffered  the  Sally  Ann  to  fall  full 
lialf  a  mile  astern,  and  taking  a  reef  in  both  main- 
sail and  jib,  kept  on  a  straight  course  with  the 
Evaline. 

Whether  Mary  would  have  volunteered  her 
services  as  cook,  if  Harry  had  not  been  aboard,  I 
cannot  say,  but  that  she  did  so  I  am  very  certain, 
and  also  that,  as  the  conveniences  in  the  culinary 


HEBE   AND   GANYMEDE.  181 

department  were  all  to  be  found  in  the  forecastle, 
she  had  the  assistance  of  Harry,  which  may  ac- 
count for  the  pains  she  took  in  preparing  supper, 
and  the  length  of  time  she  was  about  it. 

From  the  time  that  Job  first  took  the  tiller, 
until  nearly  nine  o'clock,  he  did  not  leave  his  post, 
but  Mary  had  played  the  part  of  Hebe,  and  Dick 
of  Ganymede,  so  often  in  the  interim,  that  when 
he  resigned  the  command  to  Pete,  informing  that 
worthy  person  of  his  intention  to  "  turn  in  "  after 
supper,  and  also  conveying  a  command,  in  no  gen- 
tle terms,  that  the  Evaline  must  be  kept  in  sight 
during  the  night,  his  legs  proved  scarcely  compe- 
tent to  the  task  of  conveying  their  owner  below. 

A  hearty  supper,  and  another  stiff  glass,  com- 
pletely did  the  business,  and  Job,  rolling  into  his 
berth,  was  certainly  safe  for  the  next  six  hours. 

Under  these  circumstances  Master  Harry  was 
released  pro  tern,  from  durance  vile,  and  with 
Mary  took  a  seat  in  the  bow,  relieving  Dick  from 
the  "  look-out,"  into  whi-ch  important  function 
Pete  had  inducted  him,  in  consideration  of  the 
extraordinary  magnitude  of  the  present  voyage. 

All  things  were  going  on  quietly  and  pleasantly 
on  the  Sally  Ann.  The  captain  enjoyed  his  toddy 
and  his  nap  ;  the  mate  felt  additional  importance, 
in  having  the  command,  for  the  time,  of  a  vessel 
that  was  really  going  outside  ;  and,  moreover,  hav- 


183  A   NEW 

ing  smuggled  a  fishing-line  in  his  pocket,  had  it 
dragging  astern,  with  a  hook  baited  with  salt  pork, 
in  the  vain  hope  of  capturing  a  blue  fish ;  while 
Mary  and  Harry  were  probably  about  as  happy  as 
common  every-day  mortals  often  get  to  be. 

Another  state  of  afiairs  reigned  on  board  the 
"  Evaline."  The  suspicions  of  the  captain  had 
strengthened  into  fears. 
.  The  "  Evaline,"  although  not  a  match  for  the 
sloop  in  a  moderate  wind,  was  a  fast  sailer,  and  by 
midnight  had  drawn  miles  ahead  of  all  the  fleet 
that  had  come  through  the  "  Gate  "  with  her. 

The  Boston  steamer  had  passed  her,  and  Captain 
Perkins,  having  gradually  dropped  the  Sally  Ann 
astern,  was  beginning  to  soothe  his  perturbed 
mind  with  the  idea  tliat  he  was  done  with  her, 
when,  lo  and  behold,  the  "  pesky  critter,"  as  he 
denominated  her,  was  discovered  to  be  coming  up 
with  him,  hand  over  hand ;  the  fact  of  the  busi- 
ness being,  that  our  friend  Pete,  having  found  the 
sloop  was  losing  ground,  had,  with  Harry's  assist- 
ance, shaken  out  the  reefs,  and  the  Sally  Ann  was 
crawling  up  to  the  windward  very  fast  indeed. 

The  wind,  that  had  been  at  their  embarking 
nearly  south-west,  was  fast  hauling  around  to  the 
north,  and  increasing  very  considerably.  Fisher's 
and  Block  Islands  were  passed,  Peconic  Bay  was 
on  the  right,  and  Captain  Perkins  had  more  than 


A  COTJNCIL  OF  WAR.  183 

half  a  mind  to  run  in ;  but  if  he  tried  it,  might 
not  the  pirate,  if  she  were  one,  overhaul  him  in 
less  than  no  time  ;  and  besides,  he  had  some  linger- 
ing idea  that  he  might  be  well  laughed  at  for  his 
mistaking  a  little  sloop  for  a  great,  bloody  pirate — 
rather  a  rarity  of  late  years  upon  the  peaceful 
waters  of  Long  Island  Sound  ;  so  he  contented 
himself  with  clapping  on  gaft-top-sails,  and  keep- 
ing his  hands  busy  with  the  scoot-horn  wetting  the 
sails. 

In  spite  of  everything,  however,  the  sloop  hung 
on  his  quarter,  and  was  approaching  him  every 
moment,  and  every  moment  his  fears  increased, 
until  he  called  the  mate  and  communicated  them 
to  him. 

Our  cautious  captain  had  a  cautious  mate,  and 
the  latter  embracing  the  former's  notions  most  cor- 
dially, a  council  of  war  was  immediately  held  be- 
tween the  twain. 

"^N'ow,"  said  the  captain,  "  here  it  is,  you  see ; 
she 's  been  a  dodgin'  oft'  and  on,  all  the  afternoon ; 
when  dusk  comes,  she  reefs  in  her  jib  and  main- 
sail, and  hangs  astern  till  midnight,  then  shakes 
'em  out,  and  overhauls  us  hand  over  hand.  What's 
to  be  done  ? " 

The  mate,  a  very  sententious  character,  replied, 
laconically,  "  Eun  away." 


184  A   NEW 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  Perkins  ;  "  say  run  away,  and 
do  it,  's  two  things,  I  guess." 

"  Guess  not,"  replied  the  mate.  "  Sloop 's  light ; 
wind 's  freshnin,  haulin  nothe ;  beats  us  on  this 
tack,  can't  with  stiffer  breeze  and  more  sea ;  Eva- 
line's  best  plum  on  a  wind ;  just  keep  away,  and 
run  clean  out  into  blue  water." 

"By  thunder!"  ejaculated  the  captain,  "I'll 
try  it,"  and  he  did. 

This  singular  proceeding  on  the  part  of  Captain 
Perkins  may  account  for  the  fact,  that,  at  the  mo- 
ment Captain  Job  poked  his  head  above  the  com- 
panion-hatch, the  ensuing  morning, — a  lusty,  fair- 
weather  sea,  on  a  visit  to  the  Sally  Ann's  deck, 
caught  him  up,  and  rolled  him,  very  much  aston- 
ished, down  the  ladder  again.  The  truth  of  the 
business  being,  that  the  Sally  Ann,  at  this  partic- 
ular time,  was  full  fifty  miles  at  sea,  crowding 
everything  to  catch  a  top-sail  schooner  a  mile  or 
so  ahead,  steering  as  if  she  were  bound  for  the 
Mediterranean,  and  taking  the  shortest  possible 
cut. 


CHAPTER  XXY. 

THE  E VALINE  FORSAKES  HEB  COMPANION. — ^JOB  AFLOAT 
LIKE   A   BEAK   IN   A   WASH-TUB. 

Beyond  all  question  there  is  a  'vast  amount  of 
poetry  in  the  ocean ;  the  line  of  grace  is  visible 
in  its  every  movement,  and  there  is  any  quantity 
of  sublimity  in  its  rage.  Poets,  however,  had 
better  let  it  alone  ;  for,  with  the  solitary  exception 
of  Falconer,  almost  every  one  of  the  tribe  that  has 
meddled  with  it,  has  only  succeeded  in  burning 
his  fingers.  Byjon,  to  be  sure,  bade  "  the  deep 
and  dark  blue  ocean  roll,"  in  rather  a  majestic 
manner,  but  even  he  would  have  made  a  fist  of 
it,  had  he  gone  into  details.  The  majority  of  our 
sea  songs  are  simply  ridiculous  ;  take,  as  an  exam- 
ple, the  famous  lines, 

"  A  wet  sheet,  and  a  flowing  sea," 

and  what  do  you  suppose  the  author  knew  about 
blue  water  ?  A  wet  "  slieet^''  indeed !  The  poor 
fellow  probably  thought  it  meant  a  sail,  but  it 


186        THE  EVALINE  FORSAKES  HER  COMPANION. 

only  happens  to  be  a  rope — and  wet  ropes  are  not 
over-agreeable  to  handle. 

An  American  poet  of  some  celebrity  has  intro- 
duced the  subject  with  such  a  string  of  metaphor, 
as  I  never  "  met  'afore."     Hear  him : 

"  Though  pleased  to  see  the  dolphins  play, 
He  minds  his  compass  and  his  way  ; 
And  oft  he  throws  the  wary  lead, 
To  see  what  dangers  may  be  hid. 
At  helm  he  makes  his  reason  sit, 
His  crew  of  passions  all  submit : 
Thus,  thus  he  steers  his  bark,  and  sails, 
On  upright  keel,  to  meet  the  gales." 

Now,  here  is  a  charming  piqture  of  a  jolly  old 
sea-dog,  standing  at  the  stern  gazing  on  his  com- 
pass, and  at  the  same  time  peeping  over  the  bows 
grinning  at  the  dolphins,  and  bursting  off  all  his 
buttons  with  uproarious  shouts  of  laughter  at  their 
queer  antics.  See  him  in  mid-ocean  heaving  the 
"  wary  lead  " — weary ^  I  presume,  is  meant,  as  the 
metal  has  quite  a  reputation  for  stupidity— and 
peering  down  into  the  bottom  of  the  sea,  to  take 
a  squint  at  the  dangers  there  snugly  stowed  away. 

The  greatest  difficulties,  however,  I  should  im- 
agine, would  be  to  keep  his  vessel  on  an  upright 
keel  all  the  time,  and  to  sail  right  plump  in  the 
"  wind's  eye." 

As  I  said  before,  there  is  a  vast  amount  of 
poetry  in  the  ocean,  but  somehow,  our  friend  Job 


DICK   EMBRACES   THE   OPPORTTJNITY.  187 

did  not  properly  appreciate  it.  Perhaps  the  fault 
was  in  his  temperament.  Be  that  as  it  may,  when 
he  re-ascended  the  ladder,  thoroughly  drenched, 
and  trying  to  clear  his  mouth  of  salt  water,  it  was 
no  benignant  eye  that  he  bent  upon  poor  Pete ; 
and  it  was  no  very  pleasant  voice  that  he  employed 
to  address  him  with. 

"  Wherebouts  be  we,  Pete,  and  what  consarned 
fool  shine  ye  been  cuttin'  up  now  with  the 
sloop  ?" 

"Been  'beyin'  orders.  Captain  Priest,"  replied 
the  mate,  "  and  as  for  wherebouts  we  be,  we're  on 
the  road  to  Boston,  I  guess.  There's  the  Boston 
chap  you  told  me  to  f oiler,  any  ways." 

"By  the  livin'  jingo,  then,"  said  Job,  "you'd 
best  overhaul  him,  and  ask  how  much  further  it  is 
afore  we  get  there." 

"  We'd  best  catch  him  first,"  retorted  the  mate. 
"  And  may  be  its  somebody  else's  trick  at  the 
tiller,  for  Pm  plaguy  nigh  done  up." 

"  Well,  well,  Pete,"  replied  Job,  "  that's  sense, 
any  way.  "  I'll  take  her,  and  you  may  turn  in  ; 
but  stop,  where's  Dick  ?  You  Dick !  hello  !  where 
be  ye?" 

If  the  captain  could  have  looked  behind  the 
mast,  he  might  have  seen  our  young  friend,  wrong 
end  uppermost,  he  having  embraced  the  opportu- 
nity and  improved  the  occasion    to  convert  his 


188       THE  EVALINE  FORSAKES  HER  COMPANION. 

favorite  science  into  a  practical  utility,  namely,  a 
new  system  of  drainage — lie  was  draining  his 
boots. 

Dick,  having  made  his  appearance,  was  ordered 
below,  to  bring  up  something  to  remove  the  un- 
pleasant flavor  of  sea  water  from  the  captain's 
mouth,  and  to  open  the  mate's  eyes. 

The  "  bitters  "  put  Job  in  a  more  amiable  state 
of  mind,  which  lasted  until  happening  to  look  be- 
hind him,  he  beheld  the  mate's  line  dragging 
astern.  "  Out  knife  and  at  it,"  was  the  word,  and 
away  went  hook  and  line,  away  went  Pete's  hopes 
of  distinguishing  himself  by  the  capture  of  some 
sea  monster,  and  away  went  Pete  himself  down 
the  fore-hatch,  and  was  seen  no  more  for  some 
hours. 

All  day  long  the  vessels  held  on  the  same  course, 
and  the  Evaline  kept  her  distance  but  did  not 
increase  it.  By  nightfall  they  were  well  out  in 
the  broad  Atlantic,  having  crossed  the  regular 
beaten  track,  and  therefore  quite  unlikely  to  fall 
in  with  any  other  craft.  Job  had  done  his  duty 
manfully  during  the  day,  to  make  amends  for 
Pete's  long  watch  the  previous  night.  The  bottle 
had  suffered  badly,  being  his  only  counsellor,  for 
obstinate  as  he  was,  he  did  not  half  like  the  situ- 
ation of  affairs.  A  tormenting  cross-sea  had  got 
up  by  the  change  of  wund,  and  it  made  Job  par- 


THE  TAR  DISLIKES  THE   PITCH.  189 

ticularly  cross.  Old  tar  as  he  was,  he  did  not  like 
the  pitch  at  all,  and  all  his  efforts  to  overtake  the 
Evaline  were  fruitless.  The  sea  that  was  on,  and 
the  strong  breeze,  combined  to  make  her  quite 
equal  to  the  sloop  in  speed. 

Pete  had  slept  away  the  morning,  and  relieved 
Job  occasionally,  during  the  afternoon. 

Mary  had  cooked  the  three  prescribed  meals, 
and  consoled  Harry  in  the  forecastle,  the  latter 
also  consoling  himself,  thought  of  the  scrape  that 
Job  had  got  into,  and  with  a  notion,  that  worse 
was  to  come.  Dick  had  whittled  out  seven  Sally 
Anns,  three  Evalines,  and  upset  himself  as  often 
as  he  found  a  safe  and  convenient  opportunity  of 
so  doing.  The  day  had  gone  by  without  even  the 
glimpse  of  another  sail  than  the  Evaline. 

On  board  the  latter  vessel  fear  and  consternation 
reigned  supreme.  That  they  were  chased  by  a 
pirate  appeared  now  to  be  past  doubt ;  that  no 
other  way  remained  but  to  hold  on  the  coui-se  they 
were  steering,  was  equally  clear.  She  held  her 
own  upon  this  tack,  and  experiments  were  danger- 
ous. Captain  Perkins  knew,  however,  and  trem- 
bled at  the  knowledge,  that  if  the  wind  should 
lull,  or  the  sea  get  down  a  little,  it  would  be  all  up 
with  them. 

The  armory  was  overhauled,  and  found  to  con- 
sist of  one  old  ducking-gun  without  any  lock,  one 


190      THE   EVALmE   FORSAKES   HER  COMPANION. 

carving-knife  loose  in  the  handle,  four  handspikes, 
and  a  marlin-spike. 

The  crew  were  mustered,  and  turned  out  one 
captain,  one  mate,  two  able-bodied  seamen,  one 
green  hand,  a  cabin-boy,  and  a  gentleman  from 
Erin's  Isle,  working  his  passage,  which  he  effected 
by  doing  nothing  himself,  but  making  work  for 
the  rest.  The  latter's  voice  was  all  for  fight ; 
all  others'  voices  for  flight.  One  wide-awake 
down-easter  proposed  an  increase  of  wages  and 
extra  pay,  and  if  any  fighting  should  really  occur, 
and  the  schooner  come  off  victorious,  intimated 
his  intention  of  instituting  a  claim  for  salvage. 

This  had  the  effect  of  stimulating  the  captain  to 
renewed  exertions.  Having  exhausted  his  .skill 
in  endeavoring  to  incite  the  Evaline  to  the  per- 
formance of  a  miracle  of  speed,  he  had  recourse  to 
his  library. 

Captain  Perkins  was  a  great  reader  :  his  library 
consisted  of  three  volumes, — the  "  Bible,"  the  "  Pi- 
rate's own  Book,"  and  Cooper's  "  Water-Witch." 
The  first  of  these  he  reserved  for  the  last  moment, 
when  all  hope  should  be  lost ;  the  second — his 
prime  favorite — ^he  shuddered  even  to  look  at; 
while  the  third  he  luckily  opened  at  the  very  page 
which  describes  the  ingenious  escape  of  the 
"Water-Witch"  from  a  cruiser,  by  misleading  her 
with  a  false  signal-light.     It  was  the  very  thing. 


TAKEN   IN    AND   DONE   FOR.  191 

The  mate  was  summoned  below,  and  the  affair 
decided  upon.  The  jolly-boat  was  to  be  sacrificed, 
and  the  schooner  saved. 

This  satisfactory  conference  was  suddenly  broken 
up  by  a  cry  on  deck,  that  the  sloop  had  fired  her 
"  long  Tom,"  and  that  a  ball  might  be  expected  on 
board  immediately,  if  not  sooner.  This  dreadful 
event  had  been  watched  for  all  day,  but  turned 
out  to  be  only  a  pan  of  ashes  thrown  overboard  by 
Master  Dick. 

Night  drew  on  ;  Job,  very  much  fatigued,  espe- 
cially about  the  legs,  turned  in  ;  the  sky,  so  clear 
all  day,  began  to  be  obscured  with  flying  scud ; 
the  schooner  hoisted  a  light  at  her  stern ;  then, 
another ;  then  the  first  was  "  doused,"  and  after  a 
while  it  was  astonishing  how  fast  the  sloop  gained 
on  her. 

It  was  also  remarkable  that  Dick  should  insist 
another  vessel  was  just  visible,  right  off'  the  lar- 
board quarter,  running  south,  with  nothing  on  but 
a  jib.  Harry  saw  it  too,  but  said  nothing.  They 
continued  to  gain  upon  the  Evaline ;  they  were 
almost  on  her  ;  Pete  hailed — no  answer — ran 
alongside  her,  and  found,  to  his  dismay,  no 
schooner,  but  a  jolly-boat,  mast  and  sail  up,  with 
a  lantern  hanging  and  swinging  at  the  former's 
top. 


CHAPTER  XXYI. 


THE   END    OF   THE   TALE. 


Two  weeks  have  elapsed — two  long,  dreary, 
weary  weeks  to  the  forlorn  cruisers  in  search  of 
Boston.  Captain  Perkins  has  arrived  safely  at 
home ;  his  miraculous  escape  has  been  duly  an- 
nounced ;  meetings  have  been  held  ;  a  special 
messenger  has  been  sent  to  Washington  by  the 
collector  of  the  port,  in  quest  of  authority  to  act, 
and  advice  how  to  act,  in  the  premises,  and  on  this 
very  day  that  we  are  again  to  re-visit  the  "  Sally 
Ann,"  a  revenue  cutter  is  to  sail  in  pursuit  of  the 
supposed  pirate. 

When  Job  was  first  made  acquainted  with  the 
facts  of  the  case — which  acquaintance  was  only 
made  quite  a  time  after  the  defection  of  the  con- 
voy, as  the  boat  was  first  to  be  secured,  and  the 
captain  himself  aroused  to  a  sense  of  semi-con- 
sciousness— he  was  quite  divided  in  his  opinion  as 
to  the  proper  punishment  to  be  bestowed  upon 
mate  and  cabin-boy. 


THE   MUTINEERS    UNPUNISHED.  195 

He  considered  their  crime  to  be  neitlier  more  nor 
less  than  rank  mutiny,  and  hesitated  between  hang- 
ing them  at  the  yard  arm,  and  putting  them  in 
irons.  As  there  would  be  some  difficulty  in  ar- 
ranging the  only  thing  in  the  likeness  of  a  yard 
that  the  sloop  boasted  of,  to  properly  receive  the 
intended  burthen — unless  indeed  the  culprits 
would  lend  their  assistance,  which  could  hardly 
be  expected  under  the  circumstances — the  former 
proposition  was  abandoned. 

The  main  objection  to  the  latter  course  existed 
in  the  entire  absence  of  everything  in  the  shape 
of  irons  of  any  description,  except  the  fire-irons, 
a  strip  of  sheet-iron  for  a  shovel,  and  a  bent  up 
hoop  by  way  of  tongs. 

These,  but  no  other  meaner  or  minor  considera- 
tions, deterred  Job  from  his  revenge  ;  for,  deeming 
himself,  as  he  expressed  it,  "  in  for  it,"  he  placed 
the  assistance  of  his  crew  against  the  water  and 
provisions  they  would  consume,  and  mentally 
decided  in  favor  of  the  latter. 

A  careful  examination  of  the  parent  of  all  this 
mischief — the  Evaline's  boat — somewhat  mollified 
him,  and  a  few  pretty  stiff  glasses  of  grog  even- 
tually restored  his  equanimity. 

During  the  remainder  of  the  night,  and  all  the 
next  day,  the  Sally  Ann  pursued  the  course  sup- 
posed to  have  been  taken  by  the  Evaline  after -her 

9 


194  THE   END   OF  THE   TALE. 

defection,  namely,  due  south.  Then  followed  a 
calm  of  three  days,  during  which  the  sloop  drifted 
to  and  fro  like  a  log  upon  the  water ;  the  captain 
amused  himself  in  repainting  the  prize  boat,  eat- 
ing, drinking  and  sleeping — dividing  his  attention 
principally  between  the  three  latter.  Pete  and 
Dick  managed  the  tiller — ^no  onerous  duty — and 
Mary  and  Harry,  seated  in  the  vessel's  bows,  en- 
joyed the  fine  nights  as  only  lovers  could  have 
enjoyed  them.  During  the  day  Harry  employed 
himself  in  "  caulking  away"  in  the  hold.  Pete 
also  obtained  seven  distinct  nibbles,  and  Dick's 
manufactory  of  miniature  Sally  Anns  went  on  at 
such  a  prodigious  rate,  that  the  supply  of  ship 
timber  laid  in  for  the  voyage  threatened  very  soon 
to  give  out. 

The  fifth  day  brought  with  it  a  violent  gale 
from  the  northwest,  and  Job,  knowing  that  there 
must  be  land  somewhere  on  his  weather-quarter, 
turned  the  bows  of  his  vessel  and  strove  to  beat 
up  against  the  wind ;  but  the  w4nd  eventually 
beat  him,  and  the  sloop,  with  nothing  on  but  a 
small  rag  to  steer  by,  was  forced  to  scud. 

Then  came  a  change  of  wind,  then  another 
calm,  and  at  the  time  we  re-embark,  the  Sally 
Ann  has  been  running  due  west  for  the  last  twelve 
hours,  with  a  fine  beam  wind,  and  is  in  a  fair  way 


,  A  SAIL.  195 

of  making  St.  Augustine,  if  the  wind  should  hold 
twenty-four  hours  longer. 

The  entire  crew — poor  Harry  excepted — are 
upon  deck.  Dick  runs  up  the  shrouds  like  a  cat, 
and  yells  out,  greatly  excited — 

"  A  sail,  by  golly  !" 

'^  Wharebouts  be  she  V  roars  Captain  Job. 

"  Right  off  here  away,"  answers  Dick  ;  "  and  I 
guess  sh^'s  a'stearin'  right  across  our  course." 

"  By  the  livin'  jingo  !"  shouts  Job,  as  he  runs 
up  the  shrouds,  "  we'll  find  out  where  we  be  now, 
if  the  Sally  Ann  haint  lost  the  use  of  her  legs  by 
this  infarnal  cruise." 

Job's  observation  was  quite  satisfactory  ;  down 
he  came,  and  with  unusual  energy  went  to  work 
to  increase  the  speed  of  his  vessel. 
•  "  Here,  gal !"  he  cried  to  Mary,  "  see  if  you 
can't  hold  the  tiller.  You,  Dick,  stay  where  you 
be.  Pete,  get  the  scoot  horn  and  wet  down  them 
sails,  and  ni  get  up  the  gaff  topsel." 

Away  bowled  the  Sally  Ann,  and  very  soon  the 
gallant-sails  of  the  stranger  were  visible  from  the 
deck,  then  the  topsails,  and  at  last  the  hull  and  all 
of  a  brave  ship  hove  in  sight. 

Job  had  an  old  "  star  and  stripe"  flag  on  board, 
which  was  used  on  "  Fourths  of  July,"  and  other 
great  patriotic  occasions — for  Job  was  a  great 
patriot  in  his  way — and  this  flag  was  now  hunted 


196  THE   END   OF  THE   TALE. 

and  hoisted  up,  "  union  down,"  as  a  distress  sig- 
nal. 

At  this  moment  the  vessels  are  not  more  than 
half  a  mile  apart,  the  ship  directly  across  the 
sloop's  bow,  and  running  prodigiously.  Job's  only 
chance  for  assistance  is  in  his  signal.  All  eyes  on 
the  sloop  are  gazing  with  anxiety  upon  the 
stranger.  She  is  passing,  nay,  she  has  past  them  ; 
hope  is  fast  sinking  in  the  hearts  of  th6  anxious 
gazers,  when  suddenly  the  ship's  course  is  altered ; 
men  are  thrown  out  upon  her  yards,  the  lower 
sails  are  clewed  up,  the  gallant-sails  furled.  A 
gun  is  fired  from  her  bows,  and  around  she  comes, 
running  with  reduced  speed  for  the  forlorn  sloop. 

"  What  sloop's  that  ?  where  ye  bound  ?  and 
what's  the  matter  ?"  roared  out  an  officer  on  the 
ship's  quarter-deck,  when  they  were  fairly  in  hail- 
ing distance. 

"The  *  Sally  Ann,'  of  Bay  Harbor,  bound  for 
Boston  ;  don't  know  where  in  thunder  we  be  ;  out 
of  bread,  out  of  water,  and  out  of  our  way ;  got 
a  little  sperits  left,  and  that's  goin'  fast.  Who  be 
ye,  and  can't  ye  help  us  ?"  was  Job's  voluminous 
reply. 

"  Moro  Castle,  three  days  out  from  Havana ; 
send  yolir  boat  aboard,"  came  back  from  the  ship. 

Job  for  once  obeyed  orders,  and  when  on  board 
the  ship,  told  his  tale  in  his  own  way,  and  found 


HARRY   MUTINIES.  197 

the  captain  both  able  and  willing  to  assist  him. 
He  gave  Job  a  compass,  with  directions  as  to  his 
course,  put  on  board  water  and  some  provisions, 
advised  him  by  all  means  to  run  for  St.  Augustine, 
and  there  employ  some  navigator  to  take  him 
home,  winding  up  with  a  particularly  strong  re- 
commendation to  never  venture  into  blue  water 
again. 

One  would  have  thought  that  our  hero  had  tried 
following  vessels  to  his  satisfaction,  but  once  more 
on  the  deck  of  his  own  craft,  with  a  fresh  supply 
of  necessaries,  and  a  compass  which  he  looked 
upon  as  a  veritable  talisman,  his  spirits  and  his 
self-confidence  returned,  and  he  determined  to  fol- 
low the  ship  as  long  as  he  could. 

The  wind  increased  all  day  and  by  night  blew  a 
perfect  gale.  Job  remained  on  deck  until  mid- 
night and  then  turned  in.  As  soon  as  he  was 
fairly  and  soundly  asleep,  Mary  ventured  on  deck, 
but  Harry  would  not  allow  her  to  remain  there, 
so  down  they  went  into  the  forecastle. 

Harry  had  borne  his  confinement  with  but  an 
ill  grace ;  his  promise  and  Mary's  earnest  entrea- 
ties had  kept  him  in  bounds  thus  far,  but  this 
night  he  determined  should  be  the  last  of  his  con- 
cealment, and  he  at  last  convinced  Mary  that  the 
safety  of  all  on  board  required  him  to  take  com- 
mand. 


198  THE   END   OF   THE   TALE. 

It  was  settled  that  he  would  be  found  on  deck 
by  Job  when  the  latter  should  turn  out  in  the 
morning,  and  having  seen  Mary  safely  to  the  com- 
panion-way, Harry  took  the  tiller  and  the  com- 
mand. 

Fate,  however,  had  arranged  the  introduction  in 
quite  a  different  way,  for  Harry  having  gone  to 
his  old  quarters  in  quest  of  his  pipe,  at  the  mo- 
ment that  he  stooped  to  pick  it  up,  the  "  Sally 
Ann"  gave  a  frightful  pitch,  and  away  went 
Harry  and  at  least  a  cartload  of  paving  stones 
against  the  thin  partition.  Away  went  the  parti- 
tion, and  Harry  Flint,  with  his  running  and  nu- 
merous accompaniment  of  other  flints,  entered 
the  cabin  with  but  scant  ceremony. 

Harry  landed  right  on  the  top  of  Captain  Job, 
who  had  camped  down  upon  the  floor  for  the 
night,  and  in  a  moment  both  were  on  their  feet. 
Job  shouting  "  Who's  there?"  and  Harry  thunder- 
ing out,  "  the  devil !"  at  the  same  instant. 

"  Then,  Lord  a  massy  on  me,"  cried  the  half- 
asleep  and  thoroughly  terrified  seaman. 

"  Why,  father !"  exclaimed  Mary,  appearing  at 
this  instant  upon  the  scene  in  a  very  interesting 
style  of  dress,  "  Why  father,  don't  you  know  your 
friend  of  old,  Harry  ?" 

"  Yes,"  said  poor  Job,  "  I  know  old  Harry,  I'm 
sent  for — I'm  a  goner,  oh  Lord  !" 


PEACE   DECLARED.  199 

So  completely  amazed  was  he  that  it  was  a  mat- 
ter of  the  greatest  difficulty  to  make  him  under- 
stand that  Harry  Flint  was  but  flesh  and  blood 
after  all,  and  he  then  sank  down  so  entirely  pros- 
trated that  he  submitted  to  the  joint  care  of  Mary 
and  Harry,  as  if  he  were  but  a  helpless  child. 

Having  accommodated  the  captain  with  a  glass 
of  grog,  Harry  went  on  deck,  leaving  the  task  of 
explanation  to  Mary. 

Job  made  his  appearance  the  next  morning  a 
different  man  ;  he  went  up  to  Harry  and  shaking 
hands  with  him  heartily,  declared  that  he  never 
was  so  glad  to  see  a  man  in  his  life,  and  intimated 
that  as  he  was  rather  out  of  his  track  at  present,  a 
little  assistance  would  be  agreeable. 

For  three  days  the  captain's  face  bore  a  per- 
plexed and  anxious  expression,  as  if  he  were 
essaying  the  solution  of  some  mighty  and  mind- 
trying  problem,  but  on  the  morning  of  the  fourth 
a  change  took  place,  and  it  was  evidently  for  the 
better.  He  walked  up  to  Harry  with  a  particu- 
larly beaming  grin  on  his  weather-beaten  counte- 
nance, shook  his  hand  nearly  off,  and  whispered 
in  his  ear, 

"  Got  it  all  fixed,  all's  right  between  you  and 
her  now" — winking  towards  Mary — "  couldn't  lay 
my  course  for  awhile,  but  it's  all  clear  sea  and 
plain  sailing  at  last." 


200  THE   END  OF  THE  TALE. 

As  he  did  not  appear  to  be  inclined  to  commu- 
nicate more,  Harry  remained  quite  content  with 
the  result,  without  troubling  himself  about  the  in- 
tricate process  by  which  it  was  carried  out. 
****** 

On  the  evening  of  a  delightful  day  in  July,  the 
entire  population  of  Bay  Harbor  was  astir,  and 
men,  women  and  children  turned  out  en  masse. 
Underwood's  wharf  looked  as  if  a  mass  meeting 
were  in  full  operation  ;  men  and  boys  were  distri- 
buted generally  and  impartially  upon  the  masts  of 
the  vessels  in  port ;  women  chattered,  children 
squalled,  and  the  whole  scene  reminded  one  of  a 
swarm  of  bees  pending  a  revolution,  or  the  denizens 
of  an  ant  hill  preparing  for  a  foray. 

A  report  had  gone  forth  that  the  "  Sally  Ann," 
then  absent  some  thirty  days  and  generally  sup- 
posed to  be  lost,  was  coming  up  the  Bay,  and  the 
rumor  for  once  proved  to  be  true. 

Job  and  his  companions  were  received  with  a 
hearty  cheer  from  the  crowd,  but  there  were  two 
rather  long  faces  present  nevertheless.  Mr.  Ado- 
niram  Peabody,  and  Keziah  his  wife,  looked  as  if 
the  one  had  bought  a  hard  bargain,  and  the  other 
lost  a  good  one. 

Having  given  up  all  hopes  of  again  seeing  Job, 
the  maiden  had  yielded  to  the  very  pressing  soli- 
citations of  the  schoolmaster  and  married  him, 


MARRIED    AND    a'.  201 

principally,  as  she  declared,  because  it  was  a  pity 
to  lose  her  wedding  clothes,  made  up  in  anticipa- 
tion of  her  nuptials  with  Job.  It  may  be  supposed 
that  Mr.  Peabody  made  no  mention  of  his  admi- 
rably drawn-up  will  until  after  the  interesting 
ceremony. 

Among  the  first  who  grasped  Job's  hand  was 
old  Bigler,  and  the  latter  gentleman  insinuated 
that  it  was  high  time  Master  Tony  and  Miss  Mary 
were  spliced,  to  prevent  any  more  wild  goose 
chases  on  the  young  lady's  part. 

"  Can't  be  did  no  how,  neighbor  Bigler,"  replied 
Job.  "  Harry  Flint's  saved  us  all,  and  he's  arnt 
her,  fair." 

"Harry  Flint!"  exclaimed  Bigler ;  "  why,  you 
swore  she  should  never  marry  him  !" 

"  And  she  shan't.  But,  by  the  living  Jingo ! 
he  shall  marry  her  though,"  returned  Job. 

A  week  from  this  time  the  wedding  occurred. 
Harry,  with  the  assistance  of  his  father-in-law, 
bought  a  fine  schooner.  The  "  Sally  Ann"  was 
given  up  to  Pete,  who  ran  her  on  shares  and  made 
a  good  thing  of  it.  Job  resigned  the  water,  joined 
the  temperance  society,  and  with  the  assistance  of 
Mr.  Mulligan  now  cultivates  his  own  little  farm 
and  that  of  the  widow  Flint.  The  latter  lady  re- 
sides with  her  son  and  the  captain,  her  home  hav- 
ing been  for  a  time  the  house  of  refuge  of  the 
9* 


202  THE   END   OF   THE   TALE. 

unfortunate  pedagogue  and  his.  bride,  until 
Keziah  not  only  scolded  him  out  of  this  world  but 
followed  after  to  caudle  him  in  the  next. 

The  house  is  now  occupied  by  Mr.  Thaddeus 
Mulligan,  his  blooming  Milesian  matron,  and  some 
half  a  dozen  red-headed  youngsters. 

Harry  has  three,  also  boys ;  and  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible all  have  been  taken  in  hand  by  Dick,  who 
imparted  to  them  the  rudiments  of  ship  building, 
the  first  principles  of  bending  the  crab,  and  the  art 
of  reversion  ;  he  is  now  mate  of  the  "  Sally  Ann," 
and  has  a  cabin  boy  under  him. 

By  our  last  bulletin  from  Bay  Harbor  we  learn 
that  Captain  Pete  has  absolutely  taken  a  fish — a 
horse-mackerel  of  six  inches  in  length. 


LEGENDS  OP  CITY  AND  COUNTRY. 


LEGE:tTD  THE  FIEST. 

HOW  I  SPOILED  MY  COMPLEXION A  LEGEND  OF  THE 

COUNTRY. 

Part  I. — How  I  went  to  the  Count/ry. 

My  face  is  well  tanned,  and  I  don't  mean  to 
deny  it. 

"Well,  what  if  it  is  ?  I'm  none  the  worse  for  it ; 
and  as  far  as  complexion  is  concerned,  care  no 
more  for  being  made  nut-brown,  than  the  ''  nut- 
brown  maid"  herself.  I  say,  "  as  far  as  com- 
plexion is  concerned ;"  but  what  sense  is  there  in 
injuring  one's  feelings  about  it,  and  having  a 
pack  of  deuced  good-natured  friends — they  think 
they're  witty,  /don't — cracking  their  stupid  jokes 
about  one's  ears,  and  making  one's  phiz — now, 
indeed,  as  the  African  troubadour  expresses  it,  a 
"  phiz-o'-mahogany" — a  target  for  all  their  point- 
less shafts  ? 

Here  come  three  clever  fellows.  Shall  I  dodge 
around  the  corner?  No;  I'll  face  them — that's 
flat. 


204  HOW   I   WENT   TO   THE   COUNTRY. 

"  Why,  hallo,  Philip  !  where  have  you  been  ?" 

"  And  how  dx)  you  do  ?" 

"  And  what  in  the  name  of  Pluto  have  you  been 
doing?'' 

"  Oh,  I  heard  all  about  it,"  says  Number  One. 
"  His  well  known  curiosity  led  him  the  other  day 
into  one  of  those  establishments  where  people  put 
beans  into  huge  burners,  and  they  (the  beans,  not 
the  people)  come  out  coffee.  Nothing  would  do 
but  he  must  open  the  door  of  one  of  these  ma- 
chines as  it  was  going  around,  and  putting  his 
head  too  far  in,  his  nose  caught,  he  lost  his  bal- 
ance, and  entering  the  burning  crater^  corporeally, 
made  one  revolution  in  less  time  than  even  France 
ever  did,  and  came  out  black  as  you  see  him.  He 
felt  rather  unwell  after  it ;  for  it  gave  him  quite  a 

"  Not  a  true  bill,"  chimes  in  Number  Two.  "  He 
went  home  the  other  night  very  thirsty,  and  so 
particularly  oblivious,  that  mistaking  a  bottle  of 
ink  for  a  jug  of  milk-punch,  he  swallowed  the 
whole  of  it,  nor  discovered  his  blunder  until  the 
next  afternoon,  when  having  risen  to  write  a  note 
of  apology  for  neglecting  an  engagement — sudden 
indisposition — ^he  discovered  the  ink  was  non  est^ 
and  his  face  dark  as  a  thunder-cloud,  from  the 
action  of  the  supposed  *  milk-punch'  upon  his 
blood.     His  physician  put  him  immediately  upon 


A  HUMBUG.  205 

a  diet  of   sand  and  blotting-paper;    but  it's  no 

go." 

"Wrong    again,"   winds    up    Number    Three. 

"  You  know  how  absent-minded    he    is.     "Well, 

when  about  retiring  last  night,  he  stood  himself 

up  outside  the  door,  locked  it,  and  put  his  boots  in 

bed.     The   servant  finding   him   outside    in  the 

morning,  polished  his  face — the  only  part  visible 

which  did  not  appear  to  be  of  the  right  color — 

and  he  only  found  out  his  situation  when,  aroused 

by  the  breakfast-bell,  after  having  given  his  boots 

a  shower-Bath,  he  endeavored  to  pull  himself  on. 

I  think  it's  rather  improved  his  appearance,  after 

all — given  his  face  character,  eh  ?" 

Go  your  several  ways,  gentlemen  ;  I  confess  to  a 
very  aboriginal  complexion  at  this  moment ;  in  fact, 
look  like  a  practical  specimen  of  amalgamation, 
and  begin  to  have  some  serious  scruples  touching 
the  constitutionality  of  the  "  Fugitive  Law\" 

What  a  humbug  May  is  ! 

I  publicly  announce  it  now  as  my  firm,  fixed 
and  analterable  belief  that  we  might  decimate  the 
English  language,  and  provided  that  same  word 
"  humbug"  were  left,  we  should  yet  get  on  admira- 
bly. 

Every  man  or  woman,  priest  or  player,  horse 
or  dogj  farce  or  funeral,  dinner-party  or  dose  of 


206  HOW    I    WKNT   TO   THE    COUNTRY. 

medicine,  that  we  do  not  happen  to  like,  is — a 
humbug. 

There  are  two  sides  to  everything,  and  one  side 
is — a  humbug. 

There  is  a  record  extant  of  a  parson  who  preach- 
ed what  men  should  practise  for  a  thousand  dollars 
per  annum,  but  would  not  practise  what  he 
preached  for  less  than  fifteen  hundred.  Men  called 
him — g,  humbug. 

Another's  stipend  was  but  three  hundred,  and 
although  far  from  "  great"  in  the  pulpit,  he  prac- 
tised the  severest  kind  of  morality — never  kissed 
his  wife  on  Sunday,  chopped  off  his  dog's  tail  be- 
cause he  was  a  sad  dog,  and  would  not  cease 
wagging  it  on  that  day — said  dog  ceased  to  be  a 
wag,  but  made  a  most  emphatic  stump  speech  on 
the  occasion — ^put  stones  on  his  children's  heads 
of  a  Saturday  night,  to  check  their  growth,  and 
tied  up  the  weathercock  to  keep  it  from  turning. 
Men  said  he  was — a  humbug. 

A.  owns  a  museum.  He  inherits  it  from  his 
father.  Contented  with  his  collection  as  it  is,  he 
makes  no  wonderful  additions  or  particular  fuss 
about  it.  The  people,  tired  of  seeing  the  same 
things,  call  his  stuffs,  all  stuff,  his  stereotyped 
learned  dogs  and  quasi  ventriloquists  holding  ideal 
conversations  with  Peter  down  cellar,  all  bosh ;  and, 
finally,  himself — a  humbug. 


MERMAIDS    AND   WOOLLY   STEEDS.  207 

B.  buys  him  out,  and  presto  !  change,  the  world 
is  ransacked,  and  nature  herself  turned  topsy- 
turvy, women  of  the  ton,  mere  maids  of  six  hun- 
dred weight,  wait  upon  mermaids  from  Fegee, 
and  preposterously  pinguid  juveniles,  supposed  to 
be  from  the  Highlands — they  have  lived  high^ 
anyway — attend  upon  the  fancied  wants  of  salmon- 
tailed  mermen  from  the  Jolly-longways-off  Group. 
Lusus  naturae,  found  in  Sancho's  dominions,  sixty 
feet  under  ground,  with  nothing  sticking  out  but  the 
head,  come  trotting  in,  mounted  upon  woolly 
steeds  from  the  peaks  of  Popocatepetl.  The  exhi- 
bition shop  is  all  glare  and  glitter  ;  many-colored 
lights  flash  from  every  window,  and  a  dense  crowd 
of  musicians  from  exalted  balconies  pour  down 
terrific  blasts  upon  the  devoted  heads  and  into  the 
tortured  ears  of  the  passers-by ;  countless  flags, 
streaming  from  every  loop-hole,  prove  there  is  no 
flagging  in  his  endeavors ;  people  from  all  sorts  of 
quarters,  and  quarters  from  all  sorts  of  people 
pour  in;  the  world  pays  him  tribute,  and  the 
world  pronounces  him — a  humbug. 

But  May  is  a  thorough-paced  humbug,  in  the 
fullest  acceptation  of  the  term. 

I  had  succeeded  during  the  past  winter  in  hum- 
bugging myself  into  the  belief  that  May  was  what 
the  poets  have  described  her,  instead  of  being  as 
she  is,  a  saucy  jade,  no  better  than  she  should  be. 


208  HOW    I    WENT   TO   THE    COUNTRY. 

I  had  read  Thomson,  and  Wordsworth,  and  Gold- 
smith, and  old  Isaac,  and  Lamb,  and  Miss  Mitford 
— wonderful  fancy  old  maids  have  for  country  and 
cats — until  I  became  as  mad  as  a  March  hare 
about  green  fields  and  purling  brooks,  lost  my  ap- 
petite, couldn't  sleep  o'nights,  and  so  the  doctor 
advised  me  to  go  into  the  country  in  May. 

The  opinion  of  doctors  cannot  always  be  de- 
pended upon,  e.  g. 

A  certain  gentleman  of  an  uncertain  mind,  or 
rather  of  a  mind  that  did  not  properly  develope 
itself  early  in  the  morning,  had,  from  some  mys- 
terious and  unknown  cause,  acquired,  and  was 
constantly  acquiring  a  degree  of  pinguidity  and 
rotundity  that  was  perfectly  marvellous.  He  con- 
sulted the  most  eminent  Esculapii  without  satis- 
factory result.  They  measured  him  daily,  and 
found  the  rate  of  increase  to  be  perfectly  regular. 
At  last  he  attained  so  orbicular  a  form,  that  his 
friends  deemed  him  worthy  of  aldermanship,  and 
in  reality  he  appeared  competent  to  represent  a 
full  board. 

Unfortunately,  he  had  never  kept  a  noted  dram- 
shop, run  a  line  of  omnibuses,  conducted  an  emi- 
nent stone-cutting  establishment,  or  distinguished 
himself  extensively  in  the  soap  and  candle  way  ; 
and  so,  of  course,  had  not  the  most  remote  chance 
of  being  elected. 


A   CASE   OF   DRY    DROPSY.  209 

Other  things  militated  against  his  success.  The 
lower  had  not  kept  pace  with  the  upper  man. 
His — I  beg  pardon,  but  I  must  say  it — legs  seemed 
specially  diminutive,  the  manual  terminations  of 
his  arms  refused  to  lend  a  hand  to  any  such  Daniel 
Lambertism,  and  his  face  w^ould  not  countenance 
the  proceeding. 

Consultation  after .  consultation  was  held,  but 
still  the  wonder  grew,  and  the  patient  finally  came 
to  look  for  all  the  world  as  the  Tun  of  Heidelberg 
might  be  supposed  to,  if  it  should  walk  off  upon  a 
pair  of  drum-sticks. 

The  same  similitude  suggested  itself  to  his  phy- 
sicians, and  drumsticks  naturally  recalling  a  drum 
to  their  minds,  they  thought  how  much  his  round 
body  was  like  one.  From  this  point,  by  induction, 
they  soon  arrived  at  the  fact  that  both  drums  and 
over-rotund  mortals  are  frequently  tapped,  and  so 
they  tapped  him. 

The  return  made  was,  "  no  effects,"  and  pro- 
nouncing it  a  decided  case  of  "  dry  dropsy,"  they 
gave  up  the  patient  as  a  case,  and  the  tapping  as 
a  \i2Aj6b.  One  however,  more  persevering  than 
the  rest,  caused  a  new  instrument — something  upon 
the  pod-auger  principle — to  be  prepared,  and  lo, 
after  a  deep  incision,  out  it  came  filled  with  sev- 
eral hundred  round  pieces  of  linen. 

The   doctor  was  visited   with   an   idea !     He 


210  HOW   I   ^VENT   TO   THE   COUNTRY. 

hemmed  seven  times,  sucked  the  top  of  his  cane 
for  five  minutes  and  a  half,  rubbed  his  nose  vio- 
lently, and  having  cleared  his  head  by  the  use  of 
his  handkerchief,  spoke : 

"Mr.  Blank,  how  often  do  you   change  your 
linen  ?" 

"  Every  day." 

"  What  do  you  do  with  that  which  you  take 
off?" 

"  Dear  me,  I  never  thought  of  that.  I  am  afraid 
that  I  have  got  it  all  on  now." 

And  so  it  proved.  I  am  happy  to  say  that  the 
quondam  fat  gentleman  lived ;  and  that,  being  a 
great  sportsman,  the  linen  wads  suggested  to  him 
the  invention  of  something  similar  for  guns,  from 
the  profits  of  which  manufacture,  he  soon  recu- 
perated his  fortune  that  had  been  seriously  im- 
paired by  a  too  liberal  expenditure  in  shirts. 

However,  trusting  the  doctor's  word,  I  believed 
that  a  trip  to  the  country  was  just  what  I  needed, 
and  trusting  the  poet's  rhyme,  I  believed  that  May 
was  precisely  the  month  for  such  a  trip.  In  order 
not  to  be  deprived  of  one  moment's  enjoyment,  I, 
after  much  study  and  consultation  of  proper  au- 
thorities, drew  up  the  following  chart  to  regulate 
my  daily  pursuits  while  ruralizing.  I  divided  the 
day  into  nine  parts ;  five  aesthetic,  three  gastro- 
nomic, and  one  soporific : 


MAGNA   CARTA.  211 

I.  Matutinal. 

Awakened  by  tlie  carols  of  a  thousand  birds, 
not  in  cages ;  the  May  morning's  early 
walk ;  admire  the  myriads  of  dewy  gems 
that  night  has  dropped  on  every  shrub  and 
grass,  ere  the  am'rous  sun  shall  have  kissed 
them  off. 

n.  Prandial. 

Breakfast,  milk  warm  from  its  natural 
source,  strawberries  yet  wet  with  dew,  am- 
ber-colored coffee  tinged  w^itli  yellow  cream, 
snowy  rolls  and  golden  butter,  fragrant  as 
the  newly  born  rose. 

in.  Philosophic. 

The  morning  stroll:  the  lounge  beneath 
the  outspreading  branches  of  some  monarch 
of  the  woods  ;  cigar,  book,  and  meditation. 

lY.  Recuperative. 

Dinner:  meats  uncontaminated  by  a  city 
stall,  prepared  by  a  cook  instructed  by 
Dame  !N^ature,  and  free  from  French  abomi- 
nations ;  vegetables  of  all  kinds,  right  from 
the  garden  and  field,  water  pure  from  the 
spring. 

Y.  Dolce  far  niente. 

The  green  wood  :  cigar,  reverie,  and  siesta. 


212  HOW   I   WENT   TO   THE   COUNTRY. 

YI.  Reflective. 
'  ^  The   afternoon  walk,  through    rich  fields 

and  by  the  side  of  tinkling  brooks ;  deep 
thought,  and  arrangement  of  ideas  for  my 
evening's  task. 

YII.  Ccenal. 

Supper:  the  whitest  of  bread,  with  milk 
yet  foaming ;  berries  from  the  field,  and 
cream  without  chalk. 

YIIL  Poetic. 

Night :  delicious  zephyrs  bathing  my  moist 
brow,  and  straying  gently  through  my  cool 
dormitory,  illumined  by  the  gentle  moon- 
beams ;  clear  head,  fertile  imagination,  im- 
mortal poetry. 

IX.  Soporific 

Sheets  white  as  a  snow-wreath,  scented  with 
rose  leaves;  sleep  calm  and  refreshing  as 
that  of  early  infancy. 

It  must  be  confessed  that  the  outline  of  my  pic- 
ture was  rather  pretty,  but  the  filling  of  it  up 
!!! 

May  came  at  last,  and  how  did  she  come  ?  Oh, 
ye  rural  poets  !  where  do  ye  expect  to  go  to  ? 

"  Oh  vernal  May !" — oh  green  scribbler  !  "  Hail 
queen  of  flowers !"  She  does  hail — there's  some 
truth  in  that ;  but  if  a  queen,  she  never  sees  her 


THE  AUTHOR  SEES  STAKS.  213 

subjects.  "  Oh  gentle  May  1"  Gentle  ?  wlij,  she 
is  the  veriest  shrew  of  the  twelve.  She  look'* 
pretty  and  mild  enough  drawn  with  a  wreath  of 
wild  flowers  encircling  her  brow,  the  leaves  and 
buds  playing  bo-peep  among  her  gracefully  waving 
locks,  with  not  half  so  much  clothing  on  her  as 
decency  demands,when  "  Marry  hang  her.  Brock !" 
she  should  be  enwrapped  in  blankets,  carry  an  um- 
brella, and  wear  pattens. 

Buds  don't  blow  in  May — sharp  winds  do.  In 
the  place  of  the  sweet  flowers,  we  have  heavy 
showers ;  for  a  gentle  breeze,  a  sharp  freeze,  and 
for  red  roses,  frosted  noses. 

I  determined  to  remain  a  town  martyr,  at  least 
until  overcoats  and  coal  fires  could  be  dispensed 
with. 

June  found  me  ready  for  the  venture,  and  I 
soon  experienced,  in  hurrying  up  tailors,  shoema- 
kers, and  washerwomen,  in  packing  and  unpacking 
my  trunk  half  a  dozen  times,  the  first  delights  of 
travelling. 

I  reached  the  steamboat  wharf  in  safety.  The 
first  thing  that  struck  me  was  the  absolute  ne- 
cessity of  keeping  a  coroner's  jury  constantly  em- 
panneled  upon  the  spot ;  the  next  was  a  trunk, 
which,  coming  in  contact  with  my  head,  caused 
me  to  see  quite  a  number  of  stars,  not  set  forth  in 
ordinary  astronomical  charts.     The  Milesian  gen- 


214  HOW   I   WENT   TO   THE   COUNTRY. 

tleman  who  carried  it,  politely  requested  me  to 
mind  my  eye — wliich  was  more  than  he  had  done 
— and  to  look  out  where  I  went,  which  was  more 
than  I  could  do,  my  eyes  .being  momentarily  put 
hoTS  de  comhat^  and  looking  exactly  as  if  I  had 
just  been  in  one. 

I  reached  the  boat ;  heaven  knows  how.  A 
portion  of  one  coat-tail  was  still  in  the  possession 
of  an  old  lady  who  had  evinced  a  great  desire  to 
transact  some  business  with  me  in  the  orange  and 
gingerbread  line,  while  the  other  terrriinus  re- 
mained in  the  hand  of  an  enterprising  youth  in 
the  peripatetic  literary  way,  who  appeared  very 
anxious  to  improve  my  mind  with  yellow-covered 
pamphlets. 

The  instant  my  foot  touched  the  deck,  several 
packages,  to  which  I  had  until  that  moment  ad- 
hered with  great  tenacity,  disappeared  as  if  by 
magic,  and  I  found  myself  in  the  very  situation  of 
the  old  woman  in  the  nursery  tale — not  Giles 
Scroggins,  as  Bishop  Hughes  undertook  to  estab- 
lish, at  a  certain  New-England  dinner,  he  was  the 
gentleman  who  paid  attention  to  Miss  Molly 
Brown.  If  I  was  P.  P.  I  had  lost  one  car23et-bag, 
one  fishing-rod,  one  parcel  of  books,  and  one  um- 
brella. If  I  was  not  P.  P.  I  had  gained  four  limp- 
cards,  upon  whose  dingy  surface  were  inscribed  as 
m/my  names  of  those  very  officious  colored  gentle- 


BEAT   TO   QUARTERS.  215 

men  who  snatch  at  everything  that  is  brought  on 
board,  at  the  rate  of  twenty-five  cents  per  package. 
Like  a  drum  before  a  naval  engagement,  I  was 
fairly  beat  to  quarters. 

A  confused  ringing  of  bells,  wrangling  of  wait- 
ers, swearing  of  jarvies,  shaking  of  hands ;  the 
captain  jumps  on  the  paddle-box  and  cries  out, 
"  all  ashore  that's  going" — the  best  rendering  ex- 
tant for  "  lucus  a,  non  lucendo  /"  the  plank  hauled 
out,  the  hauser  drawn  in,  and  we  are  off.  We 
pass  the  Battery,  Corlser's  Hook,  Blackwell's  Island 
and  Hell  Gate,  Throg's  Neck  and  Sands  Point,  and 
arrive  at — supper. 

A  steamboat  supper  !  with  everything  cold  but 
the  butter  and  ice-water,  which  two  liquids  are 
lachrymosely  lukewarm  :  with  every  thing  thin 
but  the  coffee ;  with  its  extremely  attenuated  spe- 
cimens of  dunghill  ornithology*,  its  birds  burnt 
black  reposing  in  affectionate  confidence  upon  a 
piece  of  white  toast,  its  waiters  always  coming,  but 
never  come— its  hurry  and  confusion.  Who  shall 
describe  it  ?    Not  I. 

10 


^16  HOW    I   GOT   ON   IN   THE   COUNTRY. 


Part  II. — How  I  got  on  in  the  Counl/ry, 

As  I  crawled  out  of  the  railroad  car,  a  figure 
met  inj  admiring  gaze.  Something  intended  for 
a  hat,  with  a  brim  so  narrow  as  to  be  only  per- 
ceptible upon  the  closest  scrutiny,  was  perched 
upon  a  head  of  lank  hair  and  rested  in  quiet  com- 
placency on  a  coat-collar  of  colossal  height.  The 
coat  that  owned  the  said  collar,  was  deeply, 
darkly — I  regret  that  I  cannot  add  beautifully — 
blue  ;  it  was  adorned  with  very  minute  brass  but- 
tons of  the  bell  or  rather  sugar-loaf  variety ;  its 
tail  almost  swept  the  ground,  and  its  waist  was  in 
fearful  proximity  with  the  man's  shoulderblades. 
A  shirt-collar  upon  terms  of  intimacy  with  the 
hat — it  had  scraped  the  latter's  acquaintance  long 
since ;  a  vest  of  some  unknown  fabric  that  de- 
scended almost  to  the  armpits ;  a  pair  of  snuff- 
colored  pants,  evidently  of  an  aspiring  turn  of 
mind,  and  a  soul  at  least  half  an  inch  above  boots, 
and  only  to  be  kept  near  the  last  by  strings  of 
leather,  intended  for  and  doing  duty  as  straps ; 
with  boots  of  the  choicest  and  thickest  cowhide, 
greased  and  blackballed  to  admiration,  completed 
the  attire.  As  for  the  man  himself,  corporeally,  he 
seemed  to  be  all  nose ;  not  that  that  feature  itself 


"yallek"  fevek.  217 

was  of  such  enormous  proportions — Slawkenbru- 
gius  might  have  given  it  at  least  two  lines  and 
beat  it ;  but  all  the  rest  of  the  countenance  ap- 
peared to  be  on  the  point  of  running  into  it.  I 
have  noticed  this  peculiarity  among  some  Down- 
Easters  before,  and  attribute  it  to  the  fact  of  the 
owner's  being  so  much  in  the  habit  of  poking  his 
proboscis  into  every  man's  business,  scenting  out 
sixpences,  and  what  his  neighbor  has  had  for  din- 
ner, that  the  said  feature  finally  obtains  complete 
mastery  over  all  the  rest,  and  they  bow  down  and 
approach  as  near  as  possible  to  their  leader.  It  is 
as  useful  to  the  man  as  is  the  jack-staff  to  the 
steamboat — both  steer  by  it.  A  true  Down-Easter 
always  follows  his  nose. 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  I,  addressing  my  Eastern  Ovid, 
"  can  you  tell  me  how  far  it  is  to  Mr.  Blank's  ?" 

"  Wall,  I  kinder  guess  your  boat  got  sorter  be- 
hind the  light-house  last  night,  and'  ye  missed  the 
arly  train,"  was  the  reply,  if  it  may  be  called  so. 

Once  again  to  the  breach,  thought  I,  and  so  after 
respondrng  to  his  query,  I  reiterated  mine. 

"  Wh;^,  I  guess  you  must  be  his  cousin  from 
Yark,  beent  ye  ?  How's  the  yallar  fever  tu  Yark 
now  V  was  all  that  I  got  this  time  ;  but  upon  the 
whole  I  was  rather  gratified  by  the  question  about 
the  fever,  because  I  knew  that  at  a  certain  distance 
from  the  empire  city  an  opinion  is  prevalent  that 


218      HOW  I  GOT  ON  IN  THE  COUNTRY. 

the  "  vomito"  is  one  of  our  regular  inhabitants, 
and  is  included  in  the  census. 

Tliis  point  was  evidently  reached,  and  I  hoped  to 
refresh  myself  in  the  contemplation  of  rustic  simpli- 
city and  innocence. 

As  I  was  pondering,  and  just  as  my  new  friend 
had  opened  his  mouth  to  continue  his  catechism,  a 
person  who  had  overheard  my  question,  stepped 
up  and  said : 

"  I'll  take  ye  there  for  thirty-seven  and  a  half 
cents." 

I  closed  with  the  offer  immediately,  and  Squire 
Jinkins,  lawyer,  storekeeper,  farmer,  and  the  rich- 
est man  in  the  county,  drove  me  off  to  my  desti- 
nation in  fine  style.  When  I  alighted,  I  handed 
the  gentleman  a  one  dollar  bill.  His  mode  of 
making  change  was  equally  ingenious  and  satis- 
factory. From  an  old  shot-pouch  he  drew  forth 
five  dimes,  and  laying  one.of  each  upon  two  cents, 
handed  them  to  me  as  five  ninepences — he  called 
them — pronounced  it  just  right ;  said  he  guessed 
that  I  had  best  lift  my  trunk  out,  and  when  I  had 
done  so,  offered  to  carry  it  in  the  house  for  four 
pence  more,  which  offer  I  declined,  then  hitched 
his  horses  and  preceding  me,  announced  my  arri- 
val, made  himself  perfectly  at.  home,  asked  for  a 
glass  of  cider,  drank  it,  a  piece  of  pie,  eat  it,  con- 
cluded that  his  horses  must  be  hungry,  and  ac- 


I   SPOIL   MY,  BOOTS.  219 

cepted  an  ofier  to  "  put  them  up  and  feed,"  staid 
to  dinner,  monopolized  all  the  conversation,  and 
just  as  I  was  upon  the  extreme  verge  of  despair, 
remembered  that  a  meeting  of  the  directors  of  the 
Bank  of  which  he  was  President,  was  to  come  off 
in  half  an  hour,  arose,  shook  hands  all  around, 
laughed,  and  saying  that  he  didn't  see  how  he 
could  make  any  more  out  of  us  just  now^  took  his 
departure. 

I  felt  jaded,  fatigued,  worn  down ;  but  my  friend 
Blank  would  have  me  out  to  look  at  his  barn  and 
his  cattle.  In  vain  I  insisted  that  I  neither  knew 
nor  cared  any  thing  about  beef,  except  upon  the 
table ;  he  quoted  half  a  dozen  lines  from  the 
"  Bucolics ;"  said  that  it  was  high  time  I  did  then, 
and  so  out  we  marched.  He  showed  me  a  pair  of 
the  finest  cattle  in  the  state — so  he  said.  As  I 
was  walking  around  them,  endeavoring  to  work 
myself  up  into  a  proper  state  of  admiration,  I  en- 
tirely ruined  a  pair  of  Paris  hottes  verni^  and  seri- 
ously damaged  my  new  fawn-colored  pants  by 
walking  carelessly  into  a  heap  of — something  that 
seemed  to  grow  plentifully  about  there. 

I  was  then  paraded  over  some  of  his  fields,  and 
that  afternoon  my  hitherto  slender  stock  of  agri- 
cultural experience  received  some  large  additions. 
My  friend,  who  was  a  bit  of  a  wag,  informed  me 
that  the  mode  of  farming  now  in  vogue,  was  in 


220      HOW  I  GOT  ON  IN  THE  COUNTRY. 

the  summer  months  not  unlike  the  declination  of 
a  Greek  article.  First  they  hoe  among  the  corn, 
then  they  hay  among  the  grass,  and  then  they  toe 
after  the  plough.- 

I  learned  that  besides  the  common  wheat,  there 
is  a  buckwheat — so  called  on  account  of  its  spruce 
appearance  for  a  few  short  weeks,  its  perfumed 
head  and  bunches  of  flowers.  Like  all  other 
bucks,  however,  it  goes  to  seed  very  soon,  and  is 
then  cut  and  trampled  upon.  My  friend  also  ex- 
hibited to  me  a  very  fine  ox-yoke,  made,  he  said, 
of  an  apple-log,  but  having  nothing  of  the  Orien- 
tal fable  in  its  formation.  I  was  introduced  to  the 
pig-sty,  and  beheld  a  mimber  of  very  uncomforta- 
bly fat  porcine  specimens  rolling  to  their  heart's 
content  in  mud  as  black  and  odorous  as  that  in 
which  Prince"  Bladud's  friend  whilom  delighted. 

While  we  were  contemplating  this  pleasant 
sight,  and  inhaling  the  delicious  aroma  that  per- 
vaded the  residence  of  this  uncommonly  interest- 
ing variety  of  animated  nature,  a  stranger  with  a 
very  pleasing  countenance,  surrounded  by  an  im- 
mense pair  of  coal  black  whiskers,  made  his  ap- 
pearance, and  after  duly  praising  the  swine — 
whereon  my  friend  replied,  "  that  if  he  had  any 
pride,  it  was  in  his  pigs," — made  known  his  busi- 
ness and  then  courteously  bid  us  good  day. 

There  was  so  charming  an  air  of  simplicity  and 


.-  ASTONISHING    A   NATIVE.  221 

good  nature  about  the  man,  that  I  was  delighted. 
Here,  said  I,  is  one  of  those  genuine  rustic 
swains  who  seem  born  to  wake  the  old  woods,  and 
astonish  their  woolly  flocks  with  the  dulcet  strains 
and  wild  notes  of  their  sweet-voiced  pipe ;  to 
breathe  their  rude,  yet  gentle  love-song  into  the 
ears  of  some  rosy-cheeked  and  ruby-lipped  Ama- 
ryllis, to — "Hold  hard  there,"  interrupted  Blank, 
"my  friend  Simon,  instead  of  being  the  soft- 
hearted creature  you  have  described,  is  at  this  mo- 
ment the  superintendent  of  two  large  factories, 
where  he  keeps  the  boys  and  girls  in  order,  and 
makes  them  walk  the  chalk,  I  assure  you."  He 
knows  of  no  use  for  a  pipe  but  to  smoke  it,  and  as  for 
the  "  dulcet  strains,"  would  think  those  a  dull  set, 
indeed,  who  could  admire  them.  He  never  aston- 
ishes woolly  flocks  ;  but  he  did  an  old  wool  manu- 
facturer wdio  endeavored  to  steal  a  march  upon 
him  the  other  day.  Simon's  employer  and  Mr.  G. 
were  at  feud  about  a  water  privilege,  and  Mr.  G. 
stole  quietly  up  the  stream  to  the  factory  at  noon, 
and  sent  some  of  his  men,  who  were  with  him  into 
the  covered  ditch  that  runs  under  both  buildings ; 
his  object  being  to  see  how  high  the  water  came 
upon  the  wheel. 

The  question  at  issue  concerned  the  backing  up 
of  the  water  from  a  lower  pond,  that  at  this  time 
was  pretty  well  drawn  down,  and  if  these  witnesses 


222  HOW   I   GOT  ON   IN   THE  COUNTRY. 

could  find  that  the  wheel  was  not  then  obstructed 
by  back-water,  he  might  gain  his  cause.  It  was 
an  ugly  and  not  over  safe  place  to  crawl  in  ;•  but 
dollars  were  at  stake,  and  so  the  men,  followed  by 
Mr.  G.,  took  the  chances.  A  boy  had  seen  the 
party  enter,  and  ran  to  inform  Simon  of  it. 

"They  want  to  know  how  much  water  there  is 
in  the  ditch,  do  they  V  said  Simon.  "  Well,  I'll 
accommodate  'em,"  and  he  did.  Walking  quietly 
to  the  floom,  he  raised  the  gate,  and  a  torrent  of 
very  unexpected  and  unwelcome  water  rushed 
upon  the  spies  and  their  employer.  They  emerged 
"  at  their  earliest  convenience,"  half  drowned  and 
as  wet  as  rats,  and  were  greeted  by  the  repeated 
cheers  of  the  assembled  operatives  of  the  factory. 
G.  lost  his  case ;  but  although  the  damages  were 
heavy,  they  were  as  nothing  to  the  ridiculous 
checkmate  that  Simon  had  put  upon  him.  Sim- 
ple-hearted rustic,  indeed  I 

I  now  plead  hard  for  permission  to  return  home, 
but  no ;  I  must  go  into  the  turnip-patch,  and  there 
my  friend  bored  me  with  drills — then  as  honest 
John  Bunyan  hath  it,  he  "  had"  me  into  another 
field  and  among  a  perfect  maze  of  corn.  Here  I 
learned  something  that  I  sincerely  regret,  and  con- 
siderably more  than  I  bargained  for.  I  saw  num- 
bers of  mushrooms  rearing  their  delicate,  fawn- 
colored  parasols,  lined  with  dainty  pink,  and  inno- 


^  "    CHANTING   AND   ENCHANTING.  223 

cently  asked  how  they  happened  to  grow  there. 
I  was  told,  and — have  not  wanted  any  mushrooms 
since. 

At  last  my  friend  was  satisfied,  and  consoling 
myself  for  the  desagremens  of  the  day,  with  the 
notion  that  on  the  morrow  I  should  commence  en- 
joying myself  upon  my  own  philosophic  plans, 
after  a  hasty  cup  of  tea,  to  bed  I  went,  and  was 
sound  asleep  on  the  instant. 

I  was  to  be  aroused,  the  reader  will  please  re- 
member, by  the  carols  of  a  thousand  birds — I  was 
by  the  chattering  and  clattering  of  a  million.  It 
seemed  to  me  that  the  chimney  had  swallowed  all 
the  swallows  in  the  county,  and  none  were  to  be 
had  elsewhere  at  any  price.  Their  music  was  not 
of  the  kind  that  I  anticipated,  and  sleepy  as  I  was, 
their  chanting  was  anything  but  enchanting  to 
me. 

After  a  while,  becoming  a  little  accustomed  to 
their  racket,  I  was  just  dropping  off  into  a  deli- 
cious little  doze,  when  a  legion  of  flies  made  their 
appearance  and  began  to  regale  themselves  upon 
my  countenance.  Then  the  turkeys,  and  geese, 
ducks,  peafowls,  guineas,  hens  and  chickens  at- 
tached to  the  establishment  commenced  opera- 
tions, and  made  a  far  greater  noise  and  confusion 
than  ever  amazed  poor  General  Cass  at  Cleve- 
land. 

10* 


224  now   I   GOT   ON   IN   THE   COUNTEY. 

Making  a  merit  of  necessity,  up  I  jumped  and 
prepared  for  my  "  early  morning's  walk."  Every- 
thing looked  bright  and  beautiful ;  but  before  I 
had  gone  ten  rods,  my  thin  gaiter  boots  were  so 
entirely  soaked  through  with  tlie  dew,  that  I 
wished  the  sun  had  kissed  it  off  before  I  had  put 
my  feet  in  it.  I  turned  into  the  barn-yard,  where 
men  and  maids  were  tugging  away  in  an  extremely 
ludicrous  manner  at  a  number  of  very  patient 
cows,  that  all  seemed  to  be  busily  engaged  in  mas- 
ticating their  breakfasts ;  although  I  could  not  for 
the  life  of  me  see  that  there  was  anything  before 
them  to  eat.  I  requested  a  bowl  of  the  foaming 
milk — ^it  was  given  me  ;  but  before  I  had  imbibed 
a  dozen  swallows,  a  kind  of  dryland  sea-sickness 
seized  on  me,  my  stomach  turned,  and  I  returned 
the  beverage  with  usurious  interest. 

My  appetite  for  breakfast  was  utterly  ruined, 
and  I  barely  managed  to  drink  a  cup  of  some  very 
dubious  mixture,  which  my  hostess  termed  coffee. 
I  now  set  forth  upon  my  post-prandial  stroll,  and 
after  walking  awhile,  found  a  "  monarch  of  the 
woods"  just  to  my  mind ;  so,  lighting  a  cigar, 
down  I  sat ;  but  sat  not  long.  A  busy  hum, 
rather  unlike  in  cause  and  effect  to  the  busy  hum 
of  men,  smote  my  ear.  Something  else  smote  me 
somewhere  else,  and  I  jumped  up  as  smartly  as  if 
I  had  received  an  electric  shock. 


INTERESTING    STRANGERS.  225 

There  exists  in  most  parts  of  our  fair  country  a 
small  but  exceedingly  valorous  variety  of  the  hor- 
net, that  live  in  the  ground,  wear  bright  yellow 
jackets,  and  are  very  interesting  to  naturalists. 

I  have  no  doubt  but  that  I  should  have  been 
extremely  delighted  to  have  seen  and  examined 
them  at  a  fitting  time,  and  in  a  suitable  manner  ; 
but  this  informal,  self-introduction  of  an  entire 
family,  was  rather  too  much,  and  I  fled,  the  in- 
sects accompanying  me  some  distance,  and  forcing 
upon  me  their  unsolicited  attentions. 

I  contented  myself  in  the  house  until  time  for 
dinner,  and  having  eaten  no  breakfast,  I  was  pre- 
pared to  do  my  duty.  I  do  not  like  to  find  fault 
with  a  friend's  table,  nor  is  it  my  intention  so  to 
do ;  but  I  must  say  that  the  meats  mostly  in 
vogue  in  the  country,  are  very  juvenile  in  their 
nature,  and  unsatisfactory  in  their  tendency.  The 
changes  are  rung,  from  day  to  day,  upon  exceed- 
ingly diminutive  lamb  and  very  immature  veal, 
and  nothing  else  can  be  had — so  my  friend  in- 
formed me — for  love  or  money.  I  ate  very  hear- 
tily of  the  peas  and  asparagus,  and  praised  their 
delicious  country  freshness,  when  my  friend  in- 
formed me  that  they  had  been  my  companions  in 
boat  and  car,  that  farmers  had  no  time  to  spare 
from  their  fields  to  waste  upon  fancy  gardening ; 
that  a  few  common  vegetables  were  cultivated, 


226      HOW  I  GOT  ON  IN  THE  C0UNT2V. 

but  that  lie  depended  upon  tlie  Xew  York  market 
for  his  occasional  luxuries  in  this  particular  line  ; 
and  for  peas,  asparagus,  strawberries,  and  peaches, 
it  was  cheaper  and  better  for  him  to  obtain  them 
thus,  than  from  his  own  orchard  or  garden. 

I  wxnt  out  for  a  walk  in  the  afternoon,  and  as  I 
hkd  encamped  upon  a  yellow-jacket's  nest  in  the 
morning,  by  way  of  symmetry,  I  suppose — as  Paul 
Jones's  father  is  reported  to  have  said — I  sat  down 
on  a  harmless,  but  rather  unpleasant-looking  snake. 
If  mother  Eve  ever  was  tempted  by  anything  in 
his  likeness,  she  must  have  been — but  there's  no 
accounting  for  a  woman's  taste.  His  snakeshij) 
did  not  like  my  j^erformance,  so  he  hissed,  or  at 
least  he  put  out  a  tongue  in  two  parts  at  me.  / 
did  not  like  his  company,  and  so  took  a  very  un- 
ceremonious leave  of  him.  I  then  clambered  over 
the  fence  into  a  pasture,  where  I  espied  a  fine 
drove  of  cattle,  whose  appearance  I  admired.  The 
admiration  w^as  not  mutual ;  a  fatherly-looking 
bull  made  so  savage  a  demonstration  that  I  was 
forced  into  the  opinion  that  I  had  committed  a 
bull  myself,  by  intruding  where  I  evidently  was 
de  trop.  I  withdrew  with  more  speed  than  grace, 
and  in  so  doing,  ruined  another  pair  of  pants. 
Kents  were  more  frequent  about  them  than  ten- 
ants. I  went  home  again,  ate  my  supper,  and  re- 
tired to  my  room  to  write.     Before  I  had  dipped 


I    BEAT    A    KETKEAT.  227 

my  pen  in  ink,  a  huge  bat  extinguished  my  light, 
and  a  monstrous  and  evil-minded  horn-bug  came 
suddenly  in  violent  contact  with  my  head,  and  dis- 
lodged every  particle  of  poetry  for  the  night.  I 
was  forced  to  retreat  to  my  bed,  where  I  slept 
until  very  early  morning  again  renewed  the  tor- 
ments of  swallows,  hens,  and  turkeys.  The  his- 
tory of  my  first  day's  experience  will,  with  some 
slight  variation,  answer  for  all  the  rest. 

As  soon  as  common  decency  would  permit,  I 
left,  and  in  an  insane  manner  devoted  all  of  my 
energies  to  travelling.  I  was  smoked  and  choked, 
strangled  and  mangled,  had  large  holes  burned  in 
my  habiliments  by  locomotive  sparks,  swallowed 
in  haste  the  peck  of  dust  that  it  is  said  every  one 
is  predestined  to  eat,  and  one  night  in  my  crossing 
the  country,  came  in  contact  with  the  7ms  in  urhe 
town  or  city  of  Worcester. 

"  Can  a  man  get  anything  to  eat  here  except 
lamb  and  veal  ?"  I  asked  of  the  conductor. 

"  Yes,  indeed,  sir,"  was  the  reply :  '*  two  ex- 
cellent hotels,  '  American'  and  '  Worcester 
House.'" 

"  Here's  the  American  ;  ride  up,  sir — temper- 
ance house,  sir,"  sung  out  a  rural  jarvey  at  this 
moment. 

"  ISfo,  indeed,  niy  friend,  temperance  is  an  excel- 
lent thing,  but  I  don't  admire  it  in  hotels — it's  a 


228  now   I   GOT   ON    IN    THE   COUNTRY. 

kind  of  stock  in  trade  that  costs  the  proprietor 
nothing ;  but  guests  invariably  have  to  pay  dearly 
for  it  in  purse  and  stomach.  No,  I  am  for  the 
Worcester  House."  OA,  diesfaustus  !  oh,  lucky 
choice !  Had  Captain  Riley  in  his  desert  tour, 
almost  dying  from  thirst,  suddenly  come  upon 
Taylor's  ice  cream  and  soda  shop,  he  could  not 
have  been  more  astonished  and  delighted  than  I 
was  with  the  jpetit  sowper  that  was  hurried  up  for 
me.  Such  rolls,  such  coffee,  such  a  steak.  Shade 
of  Apicius ! — but  I  forget,  Apicius  had  ceased 
eating  long  ere  the  blessed  monk  burned  his  fin- 
gers in  cooking  his  supper,  and  thereby  hit  upon 
that  greatest  of  human  discoveries — since  sleep — 
the  beefsteak.  The  grateful  flavor  of  that  supper, 
and  the  subsequent  breakfast,  is  yet  green  in  my 
memory,  and  long  will  it  so  remain. 

My  travels  have  ended — the  comforts  of  the  Wor- 
cester House  recalled  those  of  my  own  city  home, 
and  to  it  I  hastened,  perfectly  satisfied  with  my  ru- 
ral experience,  a  sadder  and  a  wiser  man. 

"But  about  your  complexion — how  was  that 
spoiled  ?" 

"  Oh,  I  forgot  I  went  *  a  fishing.'  " 

"  And  caught  ?" 

"  The  worst  headache  I  ever  had,  three  shiners 
and  my  middle  finger.  I  paid  the  doctor  a  dollar 
to  cut  the  hook  out." 


LEGEND  THE  SECOND. 


STKEET. 


In  a  certain  part  of  the  good  city  of  Gotham,  the 
curious  or  information-seeking  traveller  may  find 
a  one-sided  avenue  of  carts  and  commerce,  known 
as  South-street ;  and  when  the  said  traveller  has 
found  it,  it  is  highly  probable  that  he  will  recog- 
nize it,  and  that  it  will  remain  green  in  his  me- 
mory, and  the  effects  of  the  knowledge  black  and 
blue  upon  his  person  for  a  long  time. 

He  will  ascend  huge  Alps  of  flour,  beef,  and 
pork  barrels,  and  descending,  probably  alight  in  a 
tub  of  pitch.  He  will  break  his  shins  in  perilous 
encounter  with  skids,  kits  of  soused  salmon,  butter 
firkins  and  lard  kegs. 

He  will  have  to  stand  off  and  on,  tacking  about, 
and  beating  around  a  cart  at  every  store  door,  like 
a  sloop  navigating  a  narrow  channel  in  a  head- 
wind. He  will  lose  the  patience  from  his  temper, 
the  polish  from  his  shoes,  the  gloss  from  his  coat, 
and  the  spectacles  from  his  nose — provided  said 


230  A   LEGEND   OF   SOUTII-STKEET. 

nose  be  spectacle-saddled.  His  ears  will  be  treated 
to  a  great  variety  of  sounds,  not  exactly  belonging 
to,  or  incorporated  in  the  calendar  of  music.  His 
nose  will  be  regaled  with  odors — not  strictly 
Sabgean — but  a  general  mixture,  a  chromatic  scale 
of  villanous  smells,  commencing  with  the  perfumes 
of  lobscouse  and  boiled  crabs  from  the  al  fresco 
hotels  on  each  corner,  and  running  up  through  the 
difierent  keys  of  codfish,  grease-lard  and  rotten 
cheese,  until  the  "bad  eminence,"  the  ultima 
Thule^  the  C  in  alt  be  attained,  in  the  form  of 
exhalations  of  bilge-water  from  slips  and  ships, 
and  emanations  from  the  piles  of  heterogeneous 
filth  drawn  from  the  frequent  sewers. 

The  herein-abovementioned  street  does  not  pro- 
ceed about  its  business  in  a  straightforward  manner, 
as  it  is  the  bounden  duty  of  every  commercial 
thoroughfare  engaged  in  legitimate  transactions  to 
do.  Neither  does  it  wind  gracefully  along  in  ser- 
pentine style,  like  many  streets  whose  attention  is 
divided  between  small  trafiic  and  pleasure,  mean- 
dering about  with  their  hands  in  their  breeches* 
pockets.  Of  this  peculiar  school,  perhaps,  Pearl- 
street  is  a  fair  example,  which,  after  running  a 
rare  rig  amonj^^  raggeries  and  groggeries,  tapers 
ofli*  with  underaKers'  shops,  and  "  brings  up"  very 
appropriately  at  the  Hospital. 

Not  so  jKJth  our  street,  but  blundering  right 


DANGERS   OF   THK    STREET.  231 

ahead,  it  jumps  entirely  over  such  petty  interven- 
ing obstacles  as  ships,  barges,  and  canal  boats,  and 
landing  plump  upon  the  other  side,  plunges  down, 
and  goes  on  about  its  business  as  unconcernedly 
as  though  nothing  unusual  had  happened.  Should 
an  unfortunate  traveller  attempt  to  follow  its  mad 
career,  his  rashness  would  probably  result  in  his 
body's  becoming  a  small  ottoman,  a  settee  for,  and 
a  puzzle  to,  the  brains  of  some  dozen  of  free  and 
independents  picked  up  at  the  next  grog-shop,  and 
.the  said  dozen  would  in  all  human  probability 
bring  in  "Found  drowned,"  which  every  one 
acquainted  with  the  peculiar  efiects  of  water  under 
certain  circumstances  upon  the  physiology  of  man, 
would  have  known  without  the  testimony  of  their 
sweet  voices  ;  or  else,  in  lieu  of  finding  the  street 
guilty  of  murder,  we  shall  have  "By  the  visitation 
of  God,"  which,  as  some  one  remarks,  is  equiva- 
lent to,  God  knows  how  he  did  it. 

But  bless  me,  what  a  peroration  !  To  be  honest, 
however,  I  may  as  well  inform  the  curious  that  it 
has  been  written  for  the  same  reason  that  very 
small  infants  are  usually  enveloped  in  very  large 
clothes,  and  we  mean  by  the  length  of  our  head  to 
compensate  for  the  shortness  of  our  tale. 

As  I  was  walking  up  South-street  a  few  days 
since,  having  passed  that  region  where  the  over- 
fed barges   and   canal   boats  were  vomiting  up 


232  A    LEGEND   OF    SOUTH-STREET. 

mountains  of  flour,  pork  and  wliisky,  and  had  at- 
tained that  part  of  the  country  where  a  large  for- 
est of  masts  shut  out  the  river  from  my  sight,  and 
a  legion  of  curious  ships  lay  with  their  noses 
against  the  wharf,  like  so  many  hunting  dogs  at  a 
point,  and  their  inquisitive  bow^sprits  peering  out 
over  the  roofs  of  the  opposite  buildings ; — here 
among  a  host  of  larger  craft  I  distinguished  a  small 
and  somewhat  antique-looking  brig,  from  whose 
mainmast  floated  a  dingy  pennon,  bearing  the 
legend  "  Sally  Brown."  Heavens  !  how  changed 
from  the  Sally  Brown  that  once  I  knew,  some  fif- 
teen years  ago,  a  smart,  trim,  and  neat-looking 
affair,  commanded  and  partly  owned  by  Captain 
Sam  Brown,  who  had  named  her  after  his  bride 
Sally,  ne  Smith. 

Captain  Sam  Brown,  (a  Cape  Cod  variety  of  the 
genus  skipper,)  in  those  days  ran  his  brig  to  and 
from  the  island  of  Cuba  to  ITew  York,  carrying 
some  freight  for  whom  it  might  concern,  all  the 
passengers  he  could  induce  to  people  his  some- 
what scanty  cabin,  and  a  few  notions  for  private 
speculators. 

Now,  although  Captain  Brown  was  piously  in- 
clined, he  had  a  sharp  eye  to  the  main  chance, 
and  looked  forward  with  eager  impatience  to  the 
time  when  he  should  be  the  fortunate  possessor  of 
a  farm,  w^hen  he  could  permanently  leave  one 


A   SEIZURE.  233 

Sally  and  take  up  his  abode  witli  the  other.  In 
fine,  he  was  fond  of  turning  a  penny,  and  having 
rather  indistinct  ideas  of  the  correct  acceptation  of 
meum  and  tuum^  or  else  deeming  that  tuum  ap- 
plied rather  to  individuals  than  to  communities, 
did  not  always  pay  proper  respect  to  Uncle  Sam's 
custom-house  regulations.  Sam  would  smuggle  a 
little  when  he  had  a  fair  opportunity,  and  might, 
I  regret  to  say,  be  described  as  somebody  has  be- 
fore described  some  other  body,  "  while  God-ward 
he  was  about  right,  manward,  he  was  rather 
twistical  or  so."  One  fine  day  as  he  was  coming 
down  to  the  brig,  he  was  met  by  the  steward,  who 
informed  him  that  a  custom-house  officer  had 
found  a  large  lot  of  cigars  not  upon  the  manifest. 
Sam  in  great  tribulation  hastened  on  board,  where 
the  officer  also  volunteered  a  similar  interesting 
communication. 

Sam,  of  course,  knew  nothing  of  the  cigars,  but 
presumed  they  must  belong  to  the  mate,  a  very 
poor  man,  who  had  gone  on  shore  to  see  his. 
widowed  mother,  and  thought  the  officer  had  better 
settle  the  affair  quietly  by  pocketing  the  duties 
himself,  thus  making  a  good  speculation,  and 
saving  the  mate  from  utter  ruin. 

The  officer  was  immovable,  and  after  examining 
the  vessel  and  seeing  the  cargo  fairly  landed — 
during  all  which  time  no  mate  made  his  appear- 


234:  A   LEGEND    OF    eOUTH-STKEET. 

ance — he  left,  informing  the  captain  that  he 
should  send  down  for  the  cigars. 
Left  alone  to  his  own  meditations,  Brown  turned  the 
affair  over  and  over  in  mind,  in  quest  of  some  path 
to  lead  him  from  the  great  calamity,  and  at  length  a 
brilliant  idea  occurred  to  him.  He  went  on  shore 
and  purchased  20,000  Alexandria  long  nines,  at 
ten  and  six  the  thousand,  and  sitting  up  all  night, 
with  the  assistance  of  his  hands — not  corporeal, 
but  marine — opened  the  boxes  of  Havanas,  re- 
moved their  contents,  and  refilled  them  with  the 
long  nines.  In  a  day  or  so  the  custom-house  offi- 
cer made  his  appearance.  He  had  considered  the 
matter,  and  his  humane  feelings  had  triumphed. 
He  would  not  ruin  the  man,  but  would  accept  of 
a  little  more  than  the  duties — say  five  dollars  per 
thousand — and  cry  quits.  It  was  now  Sam's  turn 
to  cut  up  rough,  and  he  did  so :  telling  the  officer 
that  he  had  made  up  his  mind  to  have  nothing  to 
do  with  them,  and  that  he  would  not  risk  his  ves- 
sel. He  concluded  by  ordering  him  to  take  the 
cigars  and  go — no  matter  where. 

Sam  sold  his  Havanas  in  peace,  left  the  port, 
and  in  a  year  from  the  date,  was  seen  attending  a 
port  warden's  sale  in  New  York,  stimulated  per- 
haps, by  a  desire  to  know  how  much  his  Alexan- 
drine Havanas  would  bring. 


SQUALLS   AFLOAT   AND   ASHORE.  235 

"What  kind  of  cigars  are  those  that  were  seized 
from  you,  Brown  ?"  asked  his  consignee. 

"  Never  you  mind,"  replied  Brown,  "  they  will 
bring  all  they  are  worth." 

And  so  they  did.  Despite  their  unfavorable 
appearance  and  unpleasant  odor,  being  indisputa- 
bly Havanas,  they  were  sold  for  fifteen  dollars. 
I  have  since  this  affair,  been  thoroughly  convinced 
that  it  is  not  all  gold  that  glistens.  Should  any 
reader  doubt  the  truth  of  this  narrative,  I  shall  be 
very  happy  to  accompany  him  to  the  "  Sally 
Brown,"  where  he  may  hear  the  story  from  the 
lips  of  the  former  mate — now  the  captain. 

As  for  Sam  Brown  himself,  he  is  ^ugly  har- 
bored with  the  amiable  Sally,  and  has  long  ere 
this  made  the  interesting  discovery  that  gales  may 
be  encountered  on  shore  as  well  as  sea,  and  that 
married  men  with  large  families  of  small  children 
must  look  out  for  frequent  squalls  at  all  hours,  and 
in  all  latitudes. 


LEGEND  THE  THIKD. 


FEONT- STREET. 

The  principal  difference  which  occurs  to  the 
observing  pedestrian  between  "South"  and  its 
nearest  neighbor  "Front"  is,  that  Front-street  has 
two  sides,  and  consequently  two  rows  of  doorways, 
every  one  of  them,  during  the  entire  day,  con- 
stantly engulfing  or  ejecting  vast  quantities  of 
heterogeneous  commodities,  whereby  the  latter 
avenue  is  rendered  so  much  the  worse  thorough- 
fare for  the  unfortunate  wretch  that  gtern  neces- 
sity or  an  inquisitive  mind — cupidus  rhovwrum- 
rerum — involves  in  its  dire  realities. 

Ladies  in  pink  bonnets  and  brocade  dresses,  do 
not  affect  Front-street.  Belgian  females — basket 
on  arm,  short  petticoats  tucked  up  yet  shorter,  so 
as  to  be  uterque  jpa/ratus^  ready  for  theft  or  flight 
—do. 

The  first  appearance  of  our  street  to  one  about 
to  essay  its  dangers,  is  anything  but  encouraging. 


DANGER  OF  BEING  DEVOUKED.        237 

As  far  as  eye  can  reach,  he  will  behold  a  long 
vista  of  horses  and  carts,  one  of  each  at  each  door, 
and  two  interminable  processions  of  said  animals 
and  vehicles,  the  one  setting  up  with  a  strong  tide, 
and  the  other  down. 

The  side-walk  (what  a  misnomer !)  is  covered. 
Andes  of  tea  chests  and  coiFee  bags  ;  *  Rocky 
Mountains  of  boxes  of  tobacco  and  sugar;  Cum- 
berlands  of  packages  containing  raisins,  figs,  and 
almonds,  baskets  of  champagne  from  Newark, 
pipes  of  old  port  from  up-town  distilleries,  Holland 
gin  from  Connecticut  river,  fine  Amontillado 
made  of  sharp  Cape  wine  and  boot  tops,  boxes  of 
Havana  cigars  fresh  from  Middletown,  and  a 
thousand  other  articles,  dissimilar  in  nature,  but 
similar  in  their  pathway-obstructing  efiect,  cover 
every  inch  of  ground  unappropriated  to  and  un- 
occupied by  the  above-mentioned  carts  and  cart- 
men. 

Three  modes  of  progression  suggest  themselves 
to  the  mind  of  the  wayfarer  :  Mrst,  by  the  middle 
of  the  street.  The  principal  objections  to  this 
are,  that  among  the  two  rows  of  horses  standing 
heads  outward,  many  are  not  blessed  with  an  even 
temper,  and  the  traveller  would  probably  be  com- 
pletely masticated  about  once  in  passing  three 
blocks.  Then  he  would,  according  to  the  best  au- 
thorities, be   run  over  some  three  times  in  one 


238  A   LEGEND   OF   FRONT-STREET. 

block.  Lastly,  his  boots  in  these  strange  latitudes 
would  take  their  departure,  working  several 
traverses  to  his  equanimity  of  mind ;  for  one  at 
least  would  stick  every  ten  seconds  in  the  quag- 
mire of  very  cohesive  mud,  which  has  usurped  the 
place  of  pavement. 

Second^  by  clambering  over  the  carts,  and  their 
contents.  As  these  vehicles  are  constantly  imder- 
going  a  process  of  being  discharged  or  else  taking 
in  cargo,  the  chances  are  that  he  who  attempts 
this  mode,  will  be  flattened  out,  a  la  Antoine  JEtor 
vel^  by  a  molasses  puncheon,  or  knocked  in  the 
head  by  a  flying  box  outward  bound. 

As  for  the  thirds  it  consists  in  performing  a  se- 
ries of  journeys,  in  at  the  one  door  and  out  at  the 
other,  thus  getting  around  your  great  adversaries, 
and  at  the  same  time  much  annoying  the  clerks 
and  workmen,  whom  you  will  soon  learn  to  look 
upon  as  your  natural  enemies. 

The  writer  would  humbly  suggest  a  foK/rth. 
Keep  out  of  the  street  altogether,  shunning  it 
as  you  would  a  dunning  tailor  or  a  borrowing 
friend. 

Many  a  long  year  ago,  when  we  were  in  but  a 
semi-civilized  condition,  before  we  had  either  an 
"  aristocracy"  or  an  opera ;  ere  our  belles  adorned 
their  pretty  persons  with  collars,  cravats,  and  real 
cashmeres,  or   our  beaux  beautified    themselves 


THE   HEBO.  239 

with  moustaches,  and  muzzles  d  la  hison  /  in  fact, 
when  men  and  women  dressed  and  lived  according 
to  their  circumstances,  and  within  their  income, 
and  we  were  altogether  in  a  very  degraded  and 
barbarous  state  of  society,  there  came  to  our  be- 
nighted city  a  precious  specimen  of  Parisian  cock- 
neyism,  the  proprietor  of  a  thousand  petite  graces 
and  of  the  euphonious  cognomen  of  Hypolite 
Sault-sault. 

His  ostensible  business  was  to  establish  an  agen- 
cy for  the  sale  of  certain  French  wines  and 
liqueurs,  and  to  connect  with  the  said  agency  a 
grocery,  so  as  to  realize  a  fortune  among  us  quam- 
primum,  and  return  to  enjoy  it  in  la  helle  France, 
Hypolite,  however,  had  other  important  business 
to  attend  to.  He  beheld  with  ineffable  disgust 
the  careless  mode  of  dress  which  distinguished 
our  ancient  merchants,  and  feeling  that  if  he  had 
a  mission  upon  the  earth,  it  was  evidently  in  that 
line,  set  himself  to  work  immediately  as  the  great 
moral  reformer  of  Front-street.  The  common  fate 
of  all  reformers  befel  him,  and  the  very  men  for 
whose  benefit  he  dressed  himself  twice  a  day 
within  an  inch  of  his  life,  ridiculed  his  soignee 
toilet ;  played  all  manner  of  pranks  with  his  deli- 
cate cane  ;  laughed  to  scorn  his  white  kid  gloves ; 
hinted  his  indebtedness  to  the  barber  in  the  sum 

of    sixpence — sixpence    was    the    price    then ; 
11 


240  A   LEGEND   OF   FRONT- STREET. 

mimicked  his  lisp  and  his  simper ;  and  finally,  to 
cap  the  climax  of  their  audacity,  called  Mons. 
Hypolite  Sault-sanlt,  **  High  Polite  Soft-soap,"  and 
intimated  that  he  was  neither  more  nor  less  than 
an  emancipated  dancing-master,  imitating  the  airs 
of  a  petit-maitre,  and  utterly  ignorant  of  the  busi- 
ness in  which  he  was  engaged. 

To  be  sure  our  friend  did  in  a  number  of  little 
ways  convey  to  the  minds  of  his  neighbors  the 
idea  that  he  had  a  soul  above  tobacco  boxes,  and 
was  betrayed  by  his  ignorance  of  the  articles  in 
which  he  professed  to  deal,  into  sundry  gaucherieSy 
for  which  he  was  well  laughed  at. 

To  prevent  a  recurrence  of  such  scenes,  the 
Frenchman  engaged  the  services  of  a  clerk  expe- 
rienced in  sugars,  knowing  in  coffee,  and  not  to  be 
taken  in  by  pepper ;  and  with  his  new  Mentor 
ever  by  his  side,  visited  the  various  auction  marts, 
and  made  his  purchases  without  any  particularly 

unfortunate  results,  until .     Yes,  until , 

and  this  is  the  way  it  fell  out.  One  bright  and 
sultry  morning  in  June,  an  extensive  sale  of  mo- 
lasses and  sugar  was  to  come  off  at  {he  corner  of 
Front  and  Wall-streets.  Our  friend  wished  to 
purchase,  but  his  Fidus  Achates  being  absent,  he 
was  forced  to  go  alone  ;  and  feeling  his  own  lack 
of  knowledge,  sought,  as  most  men  do,  to  conceal 
it  beneath  a  very  self-sufficient  exterior. 


A  FANCY  KIG.  241 

Arrayed  in  all  the  glories  of  a  new  white  beaver, 
coat  of  light  blue  and  gilded  buttons,  collar,  ruffled 
bosom,  and  ineffable  pants  of  lustrous  snowy 
whiteness,  boots  dark  and  glossy  as  the  raven's 
wing,  hands  encased  in  faultless  gloves  of  a  deli-  . 
cate  lavender  tinge,  grasping  in  the  sinister  his 
pet  cane,  and  in  the  dexter  a  huge  shining  sugar- 
trier,  it  is  probable  that  the  air  of  business 
alacrity  and  general  know-exactly-what-I'm-about- 
iveness,  with  which  he  dashed  up  to  the  head  of 
a  huge  puncheon,  prepared  to  punch  in  his  glis- 
tening steel  to  its  unfortunate  bosom,  has  been  sel- 
dom equalled — never  surpassed. 

I  have  said  that  the  day  was  one  of  especial 
warmth,  and  must  now  add  that  among  the  idio- 
syncrasies of  that  article  of  commerce,  known 
among  us  as  molasses,  by  John  Bull  as  treacle, 
and  Jean  Crapeau  as  melasse,  is  a  propensity  to 
conduct  itself  upon  such  days  in  a  very  reprehen- 
sible, outrageous,  and  extravagant  manner,  espe- 
cially if  it  has  been  exposed  for  some  hours  to  a 
summer  sun  and  well  jolted  upon  one  of  those 
anti-dyspeptic  vehicles,  a  Kew  York  cart.  We 
left  our  friend  in  a  very  awkward  position,  with 
his  hand  raised  and  prepared  to  plunge  his  trier 
into  the  puncheon,  and  must  hasten  to  relieve 
•him,  but  ere  we  do,  let  me  make  a  confidential 


242  A   LEGEND   OF  ^KONT- STREET. 

disclosure  to  my  readers.  Mr.  Hypolite  Sault- 
sault  did  not  know  the  difi'erence  between  a  mo- 
lasses puncheon  and  a  sugar  hogshead. 

The  impetuous  Gaul  plunged  his  fatal  instru- 
ment into  the  thick  pine  head,  and  giving  it  three 
or  four  crashing  turns,  penetrated  the  arcana  of 
sweets,  then  drew  out  his  steel  as  vivaciously  as 
he  had  inserted  it,  little  expecting  the  result.  His 
position  was  a  stooping  one,  so  as  to  enable  him 
to  apply  his  auger  with  grace  and  dexterity. 
Quick  as  the  lightning  flash,  and  with  great  force, 
a  huge  mass  of  the  irritated  and  furious  molasses 
dashed  in  the  Frenchman's  face.  Over  he  went, 
and  over  him  went  the  angry  flood.  The  bystand- 
ers rescued  him  half  strangled,  and  if  not  exactly 
in  a  pickle,  looking  very  like  a  huge  preserve. 
Covered  with  the  fluid,  he  scarcely  resembled  hu- 
manity, and  being  refused  as  fare  by  a  coachman, 
was  forced  to  employ  a  cartman  to  convey  him  to 
his  hotel. 

The  molasses  affair,  combined  with  the  disgrace 
of  being  carted  through  the  streets,  situated  as  he 
was,  and  surrounded  by  a  mob  of  yelling  urchins, 
proved  too  much  for  even  a  Frenchman's  noncha- 
lance. He  had  very  important  business  in  Boston, 
which  forced  him  to  leave  the  next  day  ;  his  con- 
fidential clerk  soon  closed  his  business,  and  the 


THE   MORAL.  243 

Gaul,  in  bitterness  of  spirit,  abandoned  our  be- 
nighted nation. 

The  serious  reader  will  discover  in  this  legend 
the  same  moral  that  I  strove  to  inculcate  in  the 
last — "  All  is  not  gold  that  glistens." 


LEGEND  THE  FOURTH. 

HOW  TO  GET  OUT  OF  A  CORNER. A  LEQEND  OF  WALL 

STREET. 

There  is  a  certain  short,  but  busy  street  in 
Gotham,  the  pulsations  of  whose  financial  heart 
are  felt  to  the  veriest  extremes  of  our  national 
body  corporate,  and  produce  sensible  effects  upon 
similar  hearts  in  far  distant  lands.  The  said  heart, 
we  regret  to  add,  is  of  a  hard  and  obdurate 
vai'iety,  and  the  circulating  medium  that  it  pro- 
jects and  recalls,  through  and  from  the  system,  is 
not  good  honest  blood,  but  heavy  red  gold. 

At  one  end  of  this  street,  and  looking  down 
upon  its  whole  extent,  stands  and  frowns  a  lofty 
and  a-spiring  church,  placed  there,  as  if  purposely, 
for  a  house  of  refuge  to  those  unfortunates  who 
may  have  fallen  among  thieves  and  lost  their  last 
penny  in  some  dark  "  corner,"  where  they  have 
been  enticed  by  the  prospect  of  great  gain. 

At  the  other,  a  very  excellent  opportunity — in 
the  shape  of  a  deep  and  rapid  river — ^presents  it- 
self to  the  "  mourners"  who  may  prefer y^^^  de  se, 


BULLS   AND    BEAKS.  245 

and  choose  to  shuffle  off  this  mortal  coil :  to  cut 
loose  with  the  assistance  of  the  tide. 

Between  great  banks  upon  either  side,  there 
whirls  and  eddies,  from  9  A.  M.  until  4  P.  M.,  a 
living  stream,  running  up  and  down,  turning  to 
and  fro,  standing  at  times  in  little  pools — not 
quiet  even  then,  but  worked  upon  by  an  under- 
current, and  ever  in  a  state  of  unrest — without 
show  of  regularity,  except  that  at  the  former  hour 
the  flood  pours  in  very  strongly  indeed — the  little 
ripples  tripping  gaily  along  at  first,  and  the  heavy 
swells  rolling  in  somewhat  later ;  and  at  the  latter, 
the  ebb  sets  out  with  proportionate  violence — the 
heavy  swells,  however,  this  time  taking  prece- 
dence. 

This  street  w^as  once  a  kind  of  cis-Atlantic 
Chinese  wall  and  line  of  defence  for  our  good  old 
Knickerbockers,  and  a  locality  at  that  time  much 
affected  by  the  domestic  animals  of  the  settlement 
and  the  wild  beasts  of  the  wild  wood,  which  cir- 
cumstance accounts  very  satisfactorily  for  the 
number  of  bulls  and  bears  that  infest  it  in  our 
day. 

The  lofty  buildings  on  either  side  contain  as 
many  cells  as  a  honeycomb ;  are  pierced  through 
and  through  like  an  ant-hill',  and  filled  to  over- 
flowing with  a  large  assortment  and  great  variety 
of  human  insects,  pursuing  many  kinds  of  occupa- 


246  A    LEGEND    OF   W ALL- STllEET. 

tiuns — money  alone  the  end  and  aim  of  all — in 
narrow  dens,  for  the  tenancy  of  which  more  than 
the  rental  of  an  Italian  palace  is  paid. 

Bankers  and  brokers — of  corn  and  cotton,  bills 
*  and  exchanges,  flour  and  drugs,  lands  and  houses, 
ships  and  stocks,  sugars  and  coffee,  money  and 
molasses,  liquors  and  patent  paints,  editors  and 
reporters,  toothache-drops  and  fighting  cocks,  al 
fresco  restaurants  and  peregrinating  pie-shops, 
sharp  cutlery  (in  keeping,  that)  and  match  horses, 
lozenges  and  terrier  pups,  new  novels  and  New- 
foundland dogs,  Olmskirk  gingerbread  and  old 
umbrellas — till  up  and  whirl  about  the  street. 

In  certain  sly  corners,  also,  are  certain  snugly 
concealed  caves,  into  which,  at  all  times,  bulls  and 
bears  may  be  seen  diving — the  bulls  probably  to 
"  whet  up  their  horns,"  and  the  bears  to  suck  up 
fat  oysters  out  of  their  paws. 

Although  one  half  of  the  operators — those  who 
look  up  street  while  driving  a  bargain — may  be 
said  to  keep  the  church  in  view,  yet  there  is  every 
reason  to  apprehend  that  the  laws  of  meum  and 
tuum  are  not  correctly  understood  by  them. 

In  despite  of  the  many  honest  and  worthy  men 
who  congregate  there  ;  in  defiance  of  the  "  Board" 
that  pronounces  the  "  ex  cathedra^''  not  only  upon 
all  who  may  have  transgressed  the  rules  of  busi- 
ness probity,  but  even  on  those  unhappy  wretclies, 


SPECULATION  AND  PECULATION.       247 

the  "  lame  ducks,"  until  they  have  satisfied  their 
creditors  ;  notwithstanding  divers  precautions,  so 
many  unscrupulous  "operators"  of  every  degree, 
white  and  black — for  negroes  there  be  with  shaven 
polls  and  Spanish-looking  wigs — outsiders,  sharks, 
pilot-fish,  and  Tombs  lawyers ;  all  seeking  a  sop 
from  the  great  kettle — flies  will  swarm  around  the 
honey-pot — that  it  behooves  the  casual  visitor  of 
that  region  to  keep  his  pockets  well  buttoned,  and 
an  eye  out  in  every  direction. 

Gold  is  the  god,  the  day-star  of  the  street,  and 
money,  that  in  former  times  but  "  made  the  mare 
go,"  is  now  the  only  true  patent  of  nobility  ;  mod- 
est merit  makes  way  for  mint-drops,  and  the  man 
of  many  descents  yields  the  jpas  to  the  master 
of  millions. 

So  many  queer  things  have  of  late  occurred, 
that  among  the  chevaliers  d?  Industrie^  and  the 
knights  of  the  order  of  the  brazen  star,  "  financier- 
ing" has  come  to  be  but  another  name  for  obtain- 
ing other  men's  money,  and  speculation  loses  its 
initial  letter.  "  Put  money  in  thy  purse,"  says 
lago ;  "  get  money,  honestly  if  you  can,  biit  get 
money,"  gasps  the  expiring  Scot.  The  jingle  of 
coin,  however  obtained,  has  in  it  something  very 
soothing  to  the  worldling's  conscience,  and  the 
possessor,  as  he  laughs  over  his  "  pile,''  may  aptly 

exclaim  with  Horace 

11* 


248  A   LEGEND    OF   WALL-STREET. 

" Populus  me  sibilat,  at  mihi  plaudo, 

Ipse  domi,  siinul  ac  nunimos  contemplor  in  area," 

"Whicli  may  be  freely  rendered — 

Let  people  hiss,  yet  cash  in  hand, 
My  risibles  I  can't  command. 

Sometimes,  however,  the  street  is  shaken  to  its 
centre,  the  tables  turned  and  the  shearers  shorn, 
the  light  of  certain  speculations — to  be  made  by 
some  dark  and  sly  "  corner" — has  faded  away,  and 
when 

" The  last  Rat  is  departing — " 

after  an  astounding  "  raise,"  then  there  is  lamen- 
tation in  Israel,  the  voice  of  Aminadab  mourning 
over  his  money-bags  ;  and  Wall-street,  if  inquired 
of  concerning  its  health,  might  feelingly  reply,  in 
the  simple,  but  pathetic  words  of  the  old  song — 

"  None  the  better,  Mr.  Tompkins, 
For  seeing  you — sir ;  for  seeing  you." 

In  one  of  the  numerous  dens  of  the  street  lives 
and  flourishes,  and  has  lived  and  flourished,  for 
many  a  goodly  year,  a  man  whose  name,  in  the 
Wall-street  roll  of  fame,  stands  next  to  that  of  the 
father  of  American  financiering — Jacob  Barker. 

When  I  wrote  "  lived  and  flourished,"  I  did  not 
mean  to  intimate  that  Jacob  the  second — for  he 
is  a  Jacob — ^had  not  experienced  many  an  up 
and  down,  in  fact,  enough  of  them  to  upset  and 


JACOB   KEEN.  249 

shelve  any  one  but  a  man  of  his  peculiarly  India- 
rubber  constitution. 

He  is  the  greatest  of  all  men  for  a  ''  corner,'' 
and  has  a  wonderful  fancy  for  the  fancies,  only 
the  worst  of  it  is,  that  you  never  know  when  you 
have  him  or  where  you  have  him ;  and  his  best 
friends  and  co-workers — when  engaged  with  him 
in  some  desperate  scheme,  with  only  their  noses 
above  water,  are  not  perfectly  sure  but  that  he 
may  be  leading  them  on,  and  is  perhaps  doubly 
interested  in  putting  down  the  identical  "  fancy" 
that  he  seems  to  be  sustaining  with  the  might  of 
an  Atlas. 

'No  one,  in  fact,  can  tell  for  a  certainty  whether 
Jacob  Keen  is  a  Bull  or  a  Bear. 

Quite  a  number  of  years  since,  not  before  his 
"  smartness"  was  fully  developed,  but  ere  the  full 
power  and  extent  of  it  was  known  and  had  been 
experienced,  Jacob  went  into  — what  in  the  ver- 
nacular of  brokers  is  termed — "  an  operation." 

Now  a  Wall-street  operation  has  nothing  to  do 
with  the  effects  of  a  cathartic  drug,  although  it 
often  produces  a  very  cathartic  effect  upon  the 
pockets  of  operators  and  operatees.  Neither  does 
it  bear  any  relation  to  the  legitimate  employment 
of  the  surgeon's  knife,  and  yet  no  sharper  steel 
can  cut  more  surely  or  more  fatally. 


250  A    LEGEND    OF    WALL-STREET. 

Jacob,  as  I  have  said,  entered  into  an  operation, 
and  thus  it  was  : 

Among  the  very  lightest  of  the  fancies — blown 
about  by  every  wind  that  swept  the  street — was 
the  celebrated  Hardscrabble-Soap-niining-coni- 
pany,  which  Jacob  had  long  regarded  with  a 
loving  eye,  as  offering  peculiar  facilities  for  a  sly 
stroke  of  genius.  The  capital  stock  of  this  com- 
pany w^as  represented  by  an  upright  figure — the 
only  one,  by  the  way,  connected  w^th  it — and  six 
ciphers,  thus — 1,000,000.  The  real  value  of  the 
shares,  in  the  aggregate,  was  considerably  less  than 
nothing  at  all,  but  at  the  peculiar  time  of  which 
I  write,  they  were  selling  for  about  five  dollars 
each. 

As  it  did  not  suit  Jacob's  purpose  to  work  this 
mine  alone,  he  proposed  to  a  Boston  firm — Messrs. 
Coggins  and  Scroggins — to  take  hold  of  the  rope 
with  him.  They  consented,  and  fell  to  work  with 
right  good  will,  upon  the  following  terms  : 

The  contracting  parties  were  to  purchase— the 
one  in  New  York  and  the  other  in  Boston — every 
share  that  they  could  buy  on  time,  or  deliverable 
ahead,  until*  the  stock  began  to  feel  the  effects, 
and  then  to  commence  purchasing  for  cash,  until 
the  price  should  be  carried  up  to  fifty  dollars  per 
share. 

When  this  point  should  be  reached,  neither 


AN   AFFECTING   LETTER.  251 

party  should  allow  the  price  to  decline,  but  both 
were  bound  to  purchase  every  share  ofiered  at 
that  price,  in  their  market,  until,  having  cleared 
their  decks  for  the  fall,  each  should  agree  to  "  let 
go  all." 

In  this  there  was  no  copartnership  or  division  of 
profits,  but  each  worked  for  their  own  interests. 

Every  thing  prospered  for  a  while,  and  men 
who  had  sold  at  five  and  ten  were  forced  to  come 
in  and  pay  up  heavy  deficiencies.  But  Jacob  soon 
found  that  when  the  magic  price  of  "  fifty"  was 
attained,  the  stock  flowed  in  rather  too  freely  for 
him.  All  this  he  had  anticipated,  and  prepared 
for,  so  that  when  his  pockets  exhibited  symptoms 
of  exhaustion,  a  shrewd  broker  was  dispatched  to 
Boston,  through  whose  hands  he  pressed  his  stock 
upon  that  market,  thus  forcing  his  co-laborers  to 
buy  up  his  own  stock. 

The  Boston  house  was  a  "  warm"  one,  and  warm 
w^ork  they  had  of  it  for  a  time.  But  there  is  an 
end  to  all  things — except,  perhaps,  a  ring — and 
our  friend  Jacob  was  not  much  surprised,  one  fine 
morning,  by  the  receipt  of  the  following  epistle  : 

"  Dear  Keen : 

We  cannot  hold  on  any  longer.    Let 

go,  and  get  out  as  well  as  you  can. 

Your  fellow  sufferers, 

COGGINS  &  SCEOGGIlSrS." 


252  A   LEGEND   OF   WALL-STREET. 

Tliey,  however,  were  considerably  more  aston- 
ished than  delighted  by  the  reply — 

Dear  Coggins  (&  Scroggins : 

Sell  away,  I  haven't  a 
share. 

Yours  very  truly, 

J.  KEEN. 

P.  S.  I  have  another  capital  operation  in  view. 

J.  K. 

As  Messrs.  C.  &  S.  probably  considered  that  the 
new  operation  in  view  might  perhaps  be  what  is 
vulgarly  termed  "  all  in  their  eye,"  it  is  said  they 
declined  it. 


LEGEND  THE  FIFTH. 

THE   GREAT   TAUTOG A   LEGEND   OF   LONG   ISLAND. 

(At  this  moment  the  fish  made  a  dart  in  a 
direct  line,  and  the  Captain's  foot  slipping,  in  he 
went,  but  clung,  like  a  good  fellow,  to  his  rod, 
and  retained  his  presence  of  mind  enough  to  re- 
move his  finger  from  the  check  of  his  multiplying 
reel.  Mr.  Gardner,  fortunately,  was  near  with 
the  boat,  and  picked  up  the  fisherman  just  as  the 
fish  had  run  out  the  entire  line.  The  Captain, 
directing  Gardner  to  pull  for  the  fish,  now  com- 
menced reeling  in.  For  half  an  hour  there  was 
as  desperate  a  contest  between  physical  force  and 
cool  skill  as  was,  perhaps,  ever  witnessed,  when, 
at  length,  it  became  evident  that  "  scales"  was 
getting  the  worst  of  it ;  and  running  the  boat 
ashore,  the  victorious  party  stranded  and  secured 
a  giant  Black  Fish^  that  weighed  eighty-three 
pounds.  Such  a  fish  has  never  been  heard  of  at 
Greenport.  It  is  proper  to  state,  that  the  Captain 
attributes  the  capture,  in  a  great  measure,  to  the 
excellence  of  his  hook,  which  is  of  a  new  and 
very  formidable  kind. — New  York  Sjpirit  of  the 
Times. )'^ 

*  That  this  extraordinary  legend  is  truth  itself,  can  be  vouched 
for  by  many  a  frequenter  of  Greenport,  where  may  be  seen  to  this 
day  the  identical  pole,  "  with  bright  silver  bands."  It  hangs  in  the 
hall  of  the  excellent  Captain,  (who,  I  am  happy  to  say,  survives,) 
and  is  exhibited  to  every  curious  guest. 


264:  A   LEGEND   OF   LONG   ISLAND. 

Where  old  Long  Island's  stalwart  arms 
Embrace  both  Sea  and  Sound, 

Enshrined  within  their  am'rous  clasp 
Peconic  Bay  is  found. 

And  near  its  shore  of  glistening  sand, 

Buoyed  by  the  rolling  tide, 
Advent'rous  ships  of  ancient  mould 

At  quiet  anchor  ride. 

No  whaling  golden  fleece  they  seek,  » 

These  ancient  argosies. 
But  fleece  the  whales,  when  winds  are  still 

'Tis  thus  they  raise  a  breeze. 

Oh,  fair  is  the  land  that's  about  the  Bay, 
And  the  Bay  that's  about  the  land. 

And  fair  women,  a  lot,  about  the  streets  trot. 
And  fair  houses  line  a  fair  strand. 

And  men  catch  blue-fish  out  of  the  Bay, 
And  men  are  caught  blue  on  the  shore ; 

There  are  mines  of  clams  in  the  white  sea-sand, 
And  fat  oysters  a  bounteous  store. 

The  black-fish  they  swim  in  the  rocky  Sound, 
And  the  week-fish  they  swim  in  the  sea, 

And  the  porgies  around  are  everywhere  found 
In  a  goodly  companie. 

There  are  pleasant  roads  for  a  summer  drive. 

Cool  chfFs  for  a  smoke  and  a  chat. 
And  for  shield  from  a  shower,  or  shade  for  an  hour, 

You  can  borrow  the  "  Captain's"  hat. 

Oh,  there  is  the  fair  "  Peconic  House," 

And  there  is  the  "  Wyandank," 
But  a  cosier  inn  than  either,  I  ween. 

Stands  farther  upon  the  bank. 


THE  CAPTAIN  TAKETH  AN  OATH.       255 

Oh,  there  is  good  food  for  the  hungry  man, 

And  drink  for  the  thirsty  soul, 
And  a  jolly  landlord  as  ever  you  met, 

To  fill,  or  to  empty,  a  bowl. 

As  Commodore  of  a  "  seventy-four" 

Ton  sloop,  he  sailed  on  the  Sound  ; 
But  sailor  no  more,  he  sticks  to  the  shore, 

And  keeps  the  best  hostelrie  round. 

Great  news  hath  come  up  to  Greenport  town. 
Great  news  hath  been  heard  on  the  strand. 

And  the  news  ever  hies,  and  it  doubles  and  flies, 
And  all  business  hath  come  to  a  stand. 

Some  say  that  it  is  the  sea-serpent. 

And  some  say  a  juvenile  whale ; 
By  some  it  is  said  'tis  a  stray  mermaid. 

That  has  swallowed  the  end  of  her  tail. 

An  old  cavernous  rock  standeth  out  in  the  Sound, 

A  rock  that  is  worn  by  the  tide  ; 
In  its  holes  and  its  nooks,  in  its  corners  and  crooks, 

Huge  black-fish  are  wonted  to  hide. 

But  now  a  new  customer's  come  to  the  spot, 

A  monster  from  far  distant  parts, 
And  he  rends  every  line,  made  of  silk  or  of  twine, 

And  he  scorneth  the  fisherman's  arts. 

Of  hooks  such  a  lot  in  his  maw  he  has  got, 

Not  one  can  be  had  in  the  town  ; 
Gut  leaders  and  gimp  so  tickle  the  imp. 

That  a  bushel  at  least  he  has  down. 

Now  the  Captain  hath  sworn  a  horrible  oath, 

And  a  horrible  oath  has  he  ta'en. 
That  the  monster  fish  shall  smoke  on  his  dish, 

Or  he  never  wet  line  again. 


256  A   LEGEND    OF    LONG    I3LAND. 

"  Oh,  send  unto  me  old  Ben  Gardinier, 

Oh,  send  Uncle  Ben  unto  me, 
That  we  may  lay  plot  how  is  easiest  got 

This  cannibal*  out  of  the  sea. 

"  Now  I  have  a  pole  with  bright  silver  bands, 

And  the  longest  line  in  the  town, 
And  a  right  wonderful  Job  Johnson  hook, 

I  had  of  Mister  Brown. 

"  And  I  have  a  reel  made  of  silver  and  steel. 

Of  clams  I've  a  barrel  or  twain, 
Of  fiddlers  a  store  of  a  bushel  or  more, 

And  I  vow  the  fish  slopes  not  again." 

There's  a  fearful  cave  'neath  the  old  old  inn, 
A  fearful  cave  deep  in  the  ground, 

A  cave  that's  so  deep,  none  may  spy  nor  may  peep^ 
And  they  say  there  dark  spirits  abound. 

And  all  in  this  darksome  and  dreaiy  den, 
Until  the  long  night  has  grown  old, 

Are  hidden  the  Captain  and  Uncle  Ben  ; 
But  their  fearful  rites  may  not  be  told. 

A  small  chanticleer  lives  about  the  old  inn, 
With  the  shrillest  voice  ever  you  heard ; 

A  great  crow-cus,  too,  he  blows  the  year  through, 
Not  a  spring  flower  he  is,  but  a  bird. 

The  moon  she  rides  high  in  a  hazy  sky 
And  the  sly  stars  are  winking  like  fun. 

But  Chanticleer's  throat  gives  out  many  a  note. 
And  'tis  time  that  young  day  had  begun. 

The  Captain  has  heard  shrill  Chanticleer's  song. 

The  Captain  and  eke  Uncle  Ben ; 
The  doors  open  wide,  and  the  pair,  side  by  side, 
Issue  forth  from  that  darksome  den. 
•  Query— Can  nibble  ?— Print.  Dev. 


THE   FISH   TAKETH   THE   HOOK.  257 

The  Captaiu  he  looks  on  the  North eni  sky, 

And  the  Captain  he  looks  on  the  South, 
And  his  gaze  doth  pass  through  a  weather  glass, 

But  the  rim  of  it  is  in  his  mouth. 

The  mariner  looks  on  the  Eastern  sky,       * 

And  the  mariner  looks  on  the  West, 
"  'Tis  hazy,  I  see,  and  wind  Sou'- West,"  quoth  he ; 

"  And  of  all  winds,  by  far  'tis  the  best." 

Now  louder  and  louder  crows  shrill  Chanticleer, 

His  throat  he  had  like  to  have  torn, 
And  the  Captain  doth  pass  his  weather  glass. 

And  Ben  winds  a  mellow  horn. 

And  now  they  have  found  the  shores  of  the  Sound, 

And  now  they  embark  on  the  deep, 
And  now  they  have  reached  the  "  flat-top  rock," 

And  the  Captain  upon  it  doth  creep. 

And  now  he  putteth  together  his  rod, 

And  now  he  fixeth  his  reel. 
And  now  for  his  patent  Job  Johnson  hook, 

In  his  pocket  he  'ginneth  to  feel. 

A  soft  clam  he  took,  and  he  put  on  the  hook 

A  soft  clam  and  fiddlers  twain. 
With  a  jerk  in  the  sky  they  flew  very  high. 

Then  fell  far  on  the  heaving  main. 

Not  a  minute  hath  passed,  when  there  comes  such  a  tug, 

Not  a  minute  but  barely  ten, 
And  it  gives  quite  a  shock  to  the  man  on  the  rock, 

And  the  silver  reel  whistles  again. 

A  huge  fish  he  took  the  Job  Johnson  hook, 

A  huge  fish  he  pulled  at  the  line. 
"  Now  Ave  Marie,"  the  Captain  quoth  he, 

"  I'm  cock-sure  that  this  fish  is  mine." 


258  A   LEGEND   OF   LONG    ISLAND. 

Tlie  fish  he  hath  drawn  out  one-half  of  the  line, 
And  the  fish  is  half  way  to  the  shore,    . 

And  then,  with  a  bound,  he  whirleth  around. 
And  about  the  rock  swims  evermore. 

Round  the  rock  whirleth  "  Fins,"  and  the  Captain's  head 
As  the  fish  faster  yet  cuts  the  water,  [spins, 

And  minutes  pass  by,  yet  roimd  he  doth  fly, 
And  the  minutes  have  grown  to  a  quarter. 

And  aye  round  the  rock  the  fish  he  doth  swim, 

The  quarters  to  hours  have  grown. 
Worse  the  Captain's  head  spins,  and  he  curses  and  grins, 

As  he  whirleth  about  on  the  stone. 


The  moon  has  hung  her  fiddle  up, 

The  stars  have  shut  up  shop. 
And  now  above  the  waters  wide 

The  sun's  red  pate  doth  pop. 

Fair  Shelter  Island's  wooded  height, 

And  broad  Peconic  Bay, 
And  Greenport's  masts  and  Greenport's  spires 

Are  gilded  by  his  ray. 

It  gilds  the  water  of  the  Sound, 

Ben  and  his  dripping  oar. 
It  gilds  the  tip  of  the  Captain's  nose — 

'Twas  red  enough  before. 

Fast  fall  the  drops  from  the  summer  cloud, 

And  fast  fall  the  autumn  leaves, 
Fast  fall  the  tears  from  woman's  eyne, 

When  she  for  her  lover  grieves. 

Fast  fall  the  flakes  of  the  pale  pale  snow, 
The  spray  from  the  steamer's  prow, 

But  faster  than  all  tlie  rain  doth  fall 
From  the  Captain's  burning  brow. 


THE    CAPTAIN    TAKETII    WATER.  259 

"  Novr  by  St.  George,  of  the  merry  Isle, 

St.  Dennis  of  Jean  Crapeaud, 
I  piously  wish  this  infernal  fish 

Would  give  me  a  chance  to  blow. 

"  The  winds  they  blow,  and  they  blow  as  they  list, 

The  flowers  they  blow  in  June, 
The  fighting  man  gives  blow  for  blow, 

The  trumpeter  blows  his  tune, 

"  But  blow  me  tight,  if  I  to  blow 

Can  get  a  shade  of  a  chance. 
For  ever  around  this  wretched  fish 

Doth  lead  me  a  precious  dance." 

Still  around  and  about,  and  around  and  about 

The  fish  doth  ever  swim, 
And  round  like  a  top,  with  a  skip  and  a  hop, 

The  Captain  twirls  after  him. 

Alack  a  trip,  and  then  a  slip. 

And  from  the  rock's  steep  side, 
Three  hundred  weight  of  solid  flesh 

Fell  plump  into  the  tide. 

And  down  and  down  the  Captain  sunk. 

And  down  for  fathoms  twain, 
But,  being  of  a  lightsome  turn, 

He  straight  turned  up  again. 

Quoth  Gard'ner  then,  "  Oh,  Captain  bold, 

If  you  have  any  fear. 
That  you  may  drown,  when  next  you're  down, 

Pray  throw  me  the  bottle  here." 

"  Now,  by  the  Mass,  thou  lordly  ass, 

I  prythee,  dost  thou  think 
That  I  would  be  twirled  to  the  spirit  world 

With  never  a  drop  of  drink  ? 


260  A   LEGEND    OF   LONG    ISLAND. 

"  And  if  you  will  *  shove  in  your  oar,' 

Just  shove  it  in  the  wave ; 
And  if  you  want  to  '  take  a  pull,' 

Just  pull  your  friend  to  save." 

Brave  Gard'ner  strained  his  manly  arms, 

And  braced  his  manly  back, 
The  prow  asunder  cleaves  the  wave, 

The  oars  and  rollocks  crack. 

True  as  the  needle,  to  the  pole 

The  Captain  clings  amain, 
While  onward  ever  darts  the  fish 

"With  many  a  tug  and  strain. 

Across  the  line  the  Captain  fell 
(I  know  strange  lines  are  these). 

But  he,  although  "  across  the  line," 
Stuck  to  the  "  polar  seize." 

Now  safe  within  Ben  Gard'ner's  boat, 
"  Ha  1"  shouts  the  Captain.    "  Ho  I 

That  rascal  fish  I'm  bound  to  flax ; 
I  have  him  yet  in  tow. 

"  And  now,  oh,  ancient  mariner, 

Strain  at  the  groaning  oar, 
And  pull,  if  you  wish  to  save  me  the  fish. 

As  never  you  pulled  before." 

The  ancient  now  gai»s  on  the  fish, 
And  the  Captain  he  reels  in  his  line — 

"  By  Peter  and  Paul,  and  the  little  saints  all, 
I  vow  that  the  prey  shall  be  mine." 

Wow  gently  they  paddle  the  boat  to  the  shore, 
And  gently  they  pull  to  the  strand  ; 

But  never,  I  vow,  did  you  see  such  a  row 
As  the  fish  kicked  up  near  the  land. 


THE   TOWN   EEJOICETU.  261 

The  brave  Captain  then,  and  bold  Uncle  Ben, 

Jumped  over,  and  on  him  did  pounce — 
On  a  huge  "  Tautog,"  as  big  as  a  log, 

Weighing  four  score  and  three,  every  ounce. 

****** 

The  bells  they  are  ringing  in  every  church  spire, 

And  the  cannon  are  fired  in  the  street. 
And  of  people  a  crowd,  shouting  both  long  and  loud, 

Sally  forth  the  brave  Captain  to  meet. 

The  "  Greenport  Grays,"  and  their  brazen  band, 

They  lead  the  procession  down, 
Playing  "  Hail  to  the  Chief,"  and,  for  change  and  relief, 

"  Don't  give  it  up  so,  Mister  Brown." 

Three  parsons,  all  dressed  in  their  very  best, 

And  chaunting  away  for  their  lives  ; 
Came  they  to  pray,  or  to  prey  on  the  prey. 

And  carry  some  home  to  their  wives  ?  * 

Ten  virgins  in  white,  the  town's  pride  and  delight, 

"With  Virginals  of  a  fine  tone. 
Singing  "  Hey  diddle  diddle,  the  cat's  in  the  fiddle," 

And  "  Meet  me  by  moonlight  alone." 

Next  came  the  town  lawyer,  and  then  the  town  "  sawyer," 
And  a  fiddler  who  turned  out  his  toes.       • 

Two  venders  of  pills,  and  two  doctors  with  bills, 
And  a  lot  of  young  women  with  beaux. 

Six  sailors,  one  pilot ;  of  boys  quite  a  spry  lot, 

Of  fishermen  just  twenty-one, 
The  crew  of  the  "  Cricket,"  who  happened  to  nick  it, 

And  arrive  right  in  time  for  the  fun. 

Four  railroad  conductors,  six  vessel-constructors, 
Seven  oystermen,  armed  with  their  drags  ; 

A  political  club,  with  their  drums  dub-a-dub. 
And  all  sorts  of  banners  and  flags. 


262  A   LEGEND    OF   LONG    ISLAND. 

But  here  I  must  stop,  of  ink,  the  last  drop 

Is  going,  and  paper  doth  fail ; 
If  you  would  learn  more,  take  the  cars  for  the  shore, 

And  there  hear  the  whole  of  the  tale. 


LEGEND  THE  SIXTH. 

THE   SOLDIER   AND   THE   HOST A   LEGEND   OF   THE 

MIDDLE   AGES. 

FYTTE  YE  FYRSTE. 

8H0WYNQE  HOWE  YE  SOWDYOURE*  GOTTE  HIMME  METE  WITHOUTEN  FEE. 

A  Londe  theyre  ben  owere  ye  see, 

Menne  clepen  Alleymayne ; 
An  hostel  theyre  an  hoste  dyd  keepe, 

And  althro'  Luste  o'  gayne. 

We  manne  he  been  of  opene  herte, 

Ye  pens  dyd  grype  ryght  dour  ; 
Ne  mendicaunte,  ne  starvynge  dame, 

Ben  derk  himme  opene  door. 

A  cuunynge  sowdyoure-inanne  theyre  came 

Fro  merrie  Engelonde ; 
Hys  purs  ben  barre,  for  travaille  farre 

Ne  small  purs  mighte  withstonde. 

Ryghte  lustylie  then  called  he 

For  mete  and  fyssche  and  wyne ; 
And  when  off  mete  ynoughe  ben  ete 

Ne  fee  ye  hoste  myghte  fynde. 

Nowe  pay  to  me,  meyn  hoste  sayen  he, 

Tenn  pens  o'  sylver  bryghte ; 
Or  else  fulle  deepe  yn  dungen  keep, 

Y'l  clappe  you,  thevynge  wyghte. 

*  Sowdyoure — soldier. — See  Sir  John  Mandeville. 

12 


264  A   LEGEND   OF   THE   MIDDLE   AGES. 

Nowe  staye  your  honde,  on  faythe  of  manne 

One  yeer  ben  passe  awaye, 
Thro  thys  same  Reme,  returnynge  heme, 

Comme  y  to  paye  your  fee. 

Nowe  here's  for  thee  a  gurdone  fee, 
Als  you  wil  fulle  sonne  fynde ; 

Then  raysed  himme  foote  and  clouted  boCte, 
And  kycket  himme  behynde. 

Saunte  Marie,  here  thy  servant's  priere, 

lesu,  so  me  sauve ; 
Revengyd  to  be  foule  carle  on  thee, 

Or  fille  deshonoured  grave. 


FYTTE  YE  SECONDE. 
SHOWYKGE   HOWE  YE  SOWDTOUEE  PATDE   YE   H08TB. 

One  yeere  ben  passen  quycke  awaye. 

And  at  ye  hostel  doore 
Ye  Sowdyoure  manne  agayne  dyd  stand, 

And  lusty  lie  dyd  roaxe. 

Comme  outen  here,  O  surleye  hoste, 

Comme  outen  vinto  mee  ; 
I  comme  fro  farre  and  dystaunte  warre 

To  paye  ye  owynge  fee. 

Ye  hoste  dyd  quake,  ye  hoste  dyd  shake. 
To  heare  ye  sowdyoure's  voyce  ; 

But  when  ye  dette,  he  thoughte  to  gette. 
His  herte  dyd  muche  rejoyce. 

O  pardonne  me,  bolde  sowdyoure  manne, 

I  took  ye  for  a  knay ve. 
But  now  ye  comme  to  paye  your  dette 

Pardonne  I  humblye  craue. 


THE    SOLDIER    FEASTETH.  265 

Naye,  naye,  myne  host  I  trowe  I  be 

A  righte  goode  truthfulle  manne  ; 
But  menne  theyre  ben,  who  thynke  no  Binnd 

To  cheyte  you  when  they  canne. 

Brynge  mee  a  pottel  of  goode  wyne, 

Brynge  mee  a  goode  fatte  henne, 
And  I  wil  drynke  and  I  wil  ete, 

And  I  will  paye  you  then. 

Outen  he  broughte  ye  pottel  wyne, 

Outen  ye  goode  fatte  henne ; 
Ye  sowdyoure  drank,  ye  sowdyoure  ete 

Ye  sowdyoure  seyen  then : 

Agone  one  yeere,  I  dyd  comme  here, 

Anhungered  fulle  sore ; 
To  fille  my  crauynge  bellye  then, 

I  ben  make  derke  your  doore. 

Ne  sylvere  bryghte  hed  I  to  paye, 

Ne  sil\wre  bryghte,  ne  golde ; 
I  seyen  treue  to  paye  to  you. 

When  one  yere  bye  hadde  rollde. 

0  pardone  mee  !  bolde  sowdyoure  ibAnne, 

0  pardone  me  !  I  praye, 

And  gyve  to  me  ye  twentye  pens 
Thet  ben  thy  dette  thys  daye. 

1  tolde  to  thee,  0  surleye  hoste,' 
And  I  will  make  yt  trewe. 

Revenged  I  would  ryghtlie  be, 

1  swere  yt  unto  you. 

Tenne  sylver  pens  ye  dette  there  ben, 

You  kycket  me  behynd ; 
Ye  raysed  foote,  ye  clouted  bootte 

Dwell  alwaye  yn  my  minde. 


266      A  LEGEND  OF  THE  MIDDLE  AGES. 

Ye  kycket  mee  behyude,  myne  hoste, 
And  now  I  wil  thee  thank  e 

For  twenty  pens  my  presunte  dette 
To  checke  on  ye  same  banke. 
Cetera  desunt. 


LEGEND  THE  SEVENTH. 

MRS.  miller's  snuff A  LEGEND  OF  MOUNT  OLTMPUS. 

Jove  sat  on  high  Olympus,  and  he  heard 

A  horrid  clatter. 
It  seemed  as  though  all  heaven  and  earth  had  stirred, 
And  frightened  even  the  immortal  bird. 

"  Hey  !  what's  the  matter  ?" 
The  cloud-compeller  cried,  his  brow  quite  clouded, 
And  with  majestic  frowns  entirely  shrouded. 

"  Hallo  I"  the  Thund'rer  shouted,  "  t'other  one, 

Why,  what  in  thunder  I 
That  imp  of  Maia's  back,  and  at  his  fun ; 
I'll  make  the  ill-conditioned  son-of-gim 

Knock  under. 
I  say,  you  good-for-nothing  thievish  spark, 
"What  do  you  mean  by  this  outrageous  lark  ?" 

"  Father  of  gods  and  men,"  he  cried,  "  I  swear, 

Here  on  my  bended  knees, 
In  Hades,  on  the  earth,  in  upper  air, 
There's  nothing  diabolic  can  compare, 

With  Miller's  sneeze. 
I  bought  a  box  when  down  below  just  now 
But  didn't  think  to  kick  up  such  a  row. 


268  A    LEGEND   OF   MOUNT   0LY3^rPUS. 

"  May't  please  your  royal  majesty,  'tis  said, 

So  I  am  told, 
That  vile  old  Eurus  has  some  mischief  bred, 
And  in  your  highness'  very  gracious  head 

You've  taken  cold. 
Dare  I  request  you,  sire,  to  take  a  pinch  ?" 
The  rogue  approached  the  king  just  half  an  inch. 

"  Why,  re'ly,  'pon  my  honor,  I  must  say 

— Confound  my  nose — 
If  e'er  I  snuff,  'tis  just  this  time  of  day, 
And  Madam  Juno's  not  now  in  the  way, 

Here  goes." 
****** 

Heaven  sliook,  earth  tottered,  at  the  awful  sound, 
The  "  bird"  flew  off,  and  hasn'£  since  been  found ; 
And  Mrs.  Miller's  Snuff,  'tis  very  plain, 
Occasioned  thus  the  Natchez  hurricane. 


MIDSUMMEE   CHAPTERS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

A.   CHAPTER   ON   NAMES. 

We  are  strong  believers  not  only  in  a  "  fitness 
of  things,"  but  also  in  a  "fitness  of  names."  It 
may  be  very  true,  and  we  wish  ourselves  to  be 
distinctly  understood  as  having  not  the  most  re- 
mote intention  of  impugning  the  veracity  of  the 
old  adage,  "  A  rose  with  any  other  name  w^ould 
smell  as  sweet ;"  but  for  the  sake  of  experiment 
just  call  that  same  "rose"  a  "  polywog,"  or  a 
"  tadpole,"  or  whatever  may  be  the  correct  appel- 
lation of  that  unfortunate  amphibious  lusus,  doomed 
by  tradition  to  a  sedentary  habit,  until  its  caudal 
termination  be  fairly  and  squarely  worn  ofi',  ere  it 
attain  the  somewhat  dubious  dignity  of  "  Frog- 
ship,"  and  hang  our  pictures,  if  ladies  or  poets 
would  patronize  the  flower  any  longer. 

We,  perhaps,  would  not  go  the  same  length  that 
honest  John  Bunyan  did,  and  blab  the  truth  all 
at  once,  give   a  man's  whole   character,  with  a 

slight  taste  of  his  early  history,  and  a  squinting 
12* 


272  A   CHAPTEE   ON  NAMES. 

at  his  ultimate  fate ;  yet  still  we  think  it  just  and 
proper  that  the  name  should  embody  a  sort  of  hint, 
a  kind  of  shooting  around  the  corner  at  the  pecu- 
liarities of  the  person,  or  uses  of  the  tiling. 

It  is  our  failing,  perhaps  our  idiosyncrasy,  but 
we  cannot,  for  the  life  of  us,  help  passing  our 
judgment  upon  persons  and  things  by  their  appel- 
lations. And  if  the  world  does  not  like  the  trick 
w^e  have  got,  let  it  learn  to  apply  names  properly, 
and  then  we  shall  be  as  we  should  be,  all  right 
and  correct. 

As  a  blacksmith  would  say,  "  to  upset  the  old 
saying,"  if  Mahomet,  forbidden  by  constitutional 
scruples  and  a  mens  conscia  recti^  can't  go  to  the 
mountain,  let  the  mountain  come  to  Mahomet. 

ITow,  for  instance,  we  never  could  divest  our 
mind  of  the  idea  that  the  Fleet-Prison  in  London 
was  intended  to  be  a  dernier  ressort — an  ultima 
Thule — a  home  of  refuge  for  all  "  fast  men" — that 
Salem  is  just  the  residence  for  captains  of  vessels, 
or  that  the  alms-house  is  peculiarly  adapted  to 
those  persons  who  have  lost  their  upper  limbs. 

What  Gcm  one  expect  of  a  Potts,  a  Hubbs,  or  a 
Stubbs,  but  a  stumpy,  dumpy,  unromantic  figure  ; 
or  of  a  Tubs,  but  such  an  one  as  is  expressly  fitted 
by  nature  to  illustrate  an  old  proverb  often  em- 
ployed, if  not  to  point  a  moral,  at  least  to  adorn  a 
tale  ? 


CUTTING   DIDOES.  273 

Helena  was  a  very  correct  name  for  the  heroine 
of  Troy  ;  and  we  at  least  shall  always  be  very  shy 
of  young  misses  who  may  boast  the  same  title. 
Priam  should  have  been  by  nature  an  inquisitive 
person  ;  one  that  would  have  made  searching  in- 
quiries as  to  the  why  or  how  "  the  half  his  Troy" 
came  to  be  burned ;  and  he  would  seem  to  be  the 
very  man  of  all  the  world  to  have  been  appointed 
chairman  of  the  committee  upon  the  celebrated 
Saltpetre  Question. 

Menelaus  should  have  been  a  legislator;  one 
prolific  in  "  be  it  enacted  and  further  enacted ;" 
and  as  for  poor  Dido,  no  wonder  that  she  cut  such 
strange  capers  with  ^neas,  her  name  is  her  apol- 

Apropos  de  Dido — a  friend  once  asked  us  what 
in  our  free  opinion  might  be  the  origin  of  that  odd 
phrase,  "  cutting  didoes,"  and  we  sagely  and  poet- 
ically answered  in  this  wise  : 

"  ^neas  was  the  father  we  should  say, 
Who  *  Cut  a  Dido'  when  he  ran  away." 

We  have  always  fondly  imagined  that  shoe- 
makers' spouses  should  be  Peggies,  gamblers' 
ladies  Bets,  and  that  Sue  would  be  just  the 
wife  for  an  attorney.  Harry  strikes  us  as  appro- 
priate for  all  young  gents  with  an  extra  supply  of 
moustache  and  whisker.  Sophies  should  be  of  a 
sedative  disposition,   and  DolJies  misses  of  the 


274  A   CIIAPTEK    ON    NAiklES. 

bread  and  butter  school,  strongly  attached  to  in- 
animate imitations  of  miniature  infants,  far  less 
troublesome  than  the  much  desired  originals,  and 
infinitely  cleaner. 

Those  pretty  girls  who  are  fond  of  exhibiting 
their  charms  at  certain  celebrated  Ethiopian  con- 
certs, might  perhaps  be  designated  Christabels ; 
and  the  maid-servant  who  does  the  marketing  and 
small  purchasing,  should  be  A-bi-gal.     - 

Old  Koah  must  have  been  a  very  wise  man  to 
have  earned  his  name. 

Confectioners'  wives  should  always  be  Patties  ; 
those  ladies  of  an  uncertain  age  who  are  always 
in  search  of  husbands,  Marions ;  and  that  go- 
ahead  class,  the  Presidents  and  Secretaries  of  all 
sorts  of  female  humbugs,  Ledahs. 

Sometimes,  in  our  degenerate  age,  a  name  will 
excite  remark.  Kow,  lately,  all  the  papers  copied 
the  marriage  of  a  certain  Henry  Apple  and  Sarah 
Apple,  but  we  could  see  no  impropriety  in  the 
making  of  two  apples  into  one  pair. 

"We  think  that  the  ancient  names  are  also  well 
represented,  especially  those  of  sacred  history. 

The  prudes,  who  keep  all  men  at  a  distance, 
assuredly  belong  to  the  tribe  of  Levi ;  those  who 
desire  more  ardent  lovers  are  descendants  of 
Beniah ;  and  those  who  perpetually  appeal  to  their 
maternal  progenitors,  0-mar. 


PAIR  OF  LOCO-FOCO   MATCHES.  275 

The  colored  gentleman  who  superintends  the 
preparation  of  the  miniature  dormitories  on  ship- 
board, is  probably  A-bed-nego.  Ben-jam-in  would 
be  very  appropriate  for  an  omnibus  driver ;  and 
Bil-dad  for  any  William  burdened  with  the  cares 
of  paternity. 

The  good  people  of  Lynn  are  Shu-hites.  Yan- 
kee Sullivan  and  Tom  Hyer,  liit-ites ;  all  misers, 
Git-ites ;  and  that  numerous  class  of  visiting  old 
ladies  who  carry  one  column  more  of  news  than 
the  Herald,  belong  to  the  tribe  of  Gad. 

Peregrinating  Milesians,  in  search  of  the  re- 
mains of  burnt  wood  for  soap-boilers,  are  of 
Asher's  tribe  ;  keepers  of  intelligence  offices  are 
Hirams  ;  and  blacksmiths  devoted  to  the  prepara- 
tion of  wheels,  must  be  descendants  of  the  old 
families  of  Tyre. 

In  our  opinion,  all  witty  ladies,  smart  at  repar- 
tee, should  be  Sallies;  diminutive  men,  Bobs; 
hare-brained  youths,  with  their  heads  in  a  perpetu- 
al whirl,  Eddies  ;  and  a  confirmed  toper  should  be 
A-bi-rom. 

We  know  ho  more  appropriate  name  than  that 
of  Benton,  who  seems  bent  on  having  his  own 
way  upon  all  occasions;  and  we  are  rather  in- 
clined to  believe  that  the  determined  Colonel  and 
his  small  Giantship  of  Illinois  are  a  pretty  good 
pair  of  loco-foco  matches. 


276  A   CHAPTER    ON   NAMES. 

And  now  there  is  one  subject  which  has  often 
troubled  our  inquiring  mind ;  in  the  hope  of 
obtaining  some  new  light,  we  make  it  known — 

Is  the  upper  Red  River,  or  that  Eastern  lake  of 
pitch  and  tar,  the  proper  modern  representation  of 
the  classic  River  Styx  1 


CHAPTEK  n. 

A  MUSICAL   LANGUAGE. 

We  are  passionately  fond  of  music,  and  every- 
thing appertaining  thereunto  ;  but  although  Dame 
ISTature,  in  a  kindly  mood,  engrafted  the  love  of 
sweet  sounds  in  a  remarkable  degree,  yet  turning 
cross  grained  ere  she  had  completed  her  handi- 
work, we  were  deprived  of  the  faculty  of  pro- 
ducing them.  We  have  an  inward  and  undying 
consciousness  that  the  root  of  the  matter  is  within 
us ;  but  alas,  how  to  get  it  out !  Something  very 
like  the  bark,  is  our  nearest  approximation  to 
singing.  i  ■ 

Our  first  and  only  attempt  in  the  instrumental 
line  was  made  in  our  green-apple  days-r— that 
happy  and  careless  time,  when  to  the  unsophisti- 
cated mind  of  sunny  and  daughtery  childhood,  a 
jew's-harp  appears  the  embodiment  of  music,  and 
a  lump  of  molasses  candy  the  personification  of 
the  sweets  of  life. 

We  took  a  series  of  short  and  easy  lessons 
during  our  daily  journey  homeward  from  school; 


278  A  MUSICAL   LANGUAGE. 

our  teacher,  the  most  important  personage  in  the 
class,  having  a  "big  brother"  in  the  same  temple 
of  Minerva — the  instrument,  a  fine-tooth  comb. 

The  results  of  our  first  performance  at  home 
were  decided,  but  unsatisfactory ;  instead  of  en- 
comiums showered  upon  our  heads,  a  threat  of 
combing  it  with  an  ideal  affair,  a  sort  of  ottoman 
of  low  life,  without  the  customary  number  of 
pedal  sustainers,  was  our  only  reward. 

We  adore  a  piano,  even  though  it  be  of  the  tin- 
kettle  species — go  into  ecstacies  about  a  harp — 
the  hurdy-gurdy,  barrel-organ,  and  jew's-harp, 
are  grateful  to  our  ears,  our  pecuniary  circum- 
stances have  suffered  much  from  the  frequent 
sums  ungrudgingly  bestowed  by  us  upon  perform- 
ers, but  the  clarionet,  blown  loud  and  high,  in  a 
close  room,  and  without  accompaniment,  is  our 
prime  favorite. 

Singing  is  with  us  a  perfect  passion,  and  we  can 
even  endure  an  Italian- American  opera,  at  fullest 
blast,,  with  a  regular  screamer  of  a  prima  donna. 

A  plan  was  in  existence  some  years  since,  to 
form  an  universal  language,  to  be  spoken  in  tones 
of  music,  and  to  give  that  vile,  mischief-making 
member,  the  tongue,  a  perpetual  holiday. 

How  delightful  this  would  be ;  and  why  has  it 
been  abandoned  ?  Only  imagine  some  poor  be- 
nighted husband,  who  has  been  out  upon  business 


A   MUSICAL   BLOW-UP.  279 

until  three  in  the  morning,  on  at  last  reaching 
his  vine  and  fig  tree,  instead  of  the  customary 
greeting  of  his  cara  sposa's  shrill  pipe,  wound  up 
to  Caudle  pitch,  to  be  softly  and  soothingly  blown 
up  with  a  trumpet. 

An  objection  might  be  raised;  it  might  be  said 
that  all  cannot  play;  but  as  Rome  was  not  built 
in  a  day,  we  recommend  small  beginnings;  and 
as  all  can  sing, — some,  to  be  sure  (for  instance 
ourselves),  after  a  very  peculiar  fashion — we 
advise  a  free  use  of  popular  songs,  a  single  line 
of  one  of  which  may  contain  the  soul  of  a  host  of 
words.  What  could  be  more  appropriate  than  to 
hear  a  dozen  or  so  white-aproned  butchers  sing 
at  the  top  of  their  voices,  for  the  opening  chorus 
of  the  market 

"  Here  we  meet  /" 

Suppose  again  some  fair  creature  overtaken  by  a 
shower;  the  heavy  drops  falling  fast  upon  her 
snowy  bosom,  until  she  has  a  drop  too  much. 
Suppose,  we  say,  under  these  embarrassing  cir- 
cumstances, she  should  stop,  and  in  melodious 
.strains,  address  that  ''myth,"  the  clerk  of  the 
weather,  with 

"  Thou,  tliou,_  reigrC&t  in  this  bosom^' 

How  fine  would  be  tlie  efiect ! 

Deep-mouthed  watch-dogs  should  be  instructed 
to  bay  something  like  the  air  "  My  harh  is  on  the 


280  A   MUSICAL   LANGUAGE. 

deejp,^^  and  nurses,  that  favorite  song,  which  com- 
mences with  "  On  old  Long  Island's  sea-girt 
shore,"  and  winds  up  with  "  Eockaway." 

What  horrid  misanthrope,  hater  of  the  morning 
walk,  and  rural  pleasure,  would  have  the  audacity 
to  request  an  immediate  change  of  weather,  by 
singing 

*•  Hail,  smiling  morn  !" 

It  would  be  at  least  an  approximation  to  a  musi- 
cal and  poetic  language ;  words  might  be  altered 
for  the  occasion,  or  an  extra  verse  or  two  thrown 
in  impromptu. 

This,  however,  wouM  not  be  always  safe  to 
attempt.  We  had  a  friend,  who  fondly  imagined 
himself  gifted  with  the  true  poetic  fire — he  made 
a  slight  mistake,  it  was  only  an  aptitude  for 
jingling  words  together ;  and  so  one  evening, 
having  been  requested  to  sing  a  very  pathetic 
ditty,  he  proceeded  fearlessly  on,  until  at  the 
conclusion  of  these  lines — 

"  Rock,  and  tree,  and  flowing  water, 
Bird  and  bee,  and  blossom  taught  her," 

his  evil  genius  gave  his  memory  a  sudden  jog,  and, 
losing  its  balance,  out  slipped  the  next  line ;  but 
he  was  not  to  be  done  so  easily ;  and,  catching  in- 
stantly at  the  rhyme,  sung — 

"  To  know  just  what  she  hadn't  oughter." 

This,  perhaps,  incorporated  in  a  few  words,  the 


SITTING   ON   THE   STYLE.  281 

spirit  of  the  song.  The  rhyme  was  kept  up,  but, 
for  some  unexplained  reason,  the  effect  was  far 
from  flattering :  tears,  to  be  sure,  flowed  freely, 
but,  alas,  not  the  sad  offspring  of  an  overwrought 
sentimentality. 

A  dealer  in  naval  stores  might  give,  with  great 
effect, 

"  When  I  beheld  the  anchor  weighed," 

and  conclude,  by  informing  us  how  much  it  came 
to,  at  a  certain  price  per  pound. 

"  When  twilight  dews  are  falling  fast," 

may  be  a  very  pretty  air,  but  it  would  sound  un- 
pleasantly to  a  man  upon  the  verge  of  bankruptcy  ; 
for  though  twilight  falling  dew  may  be  light,  plea- 
sant, and  easy  to  bear,  yet  it  would  remind  him 
of  notes  falling  due,  not  so  easy  to  lift ;  the  notes 
would  grate  upon  his  ear,  and  it  were  far  more 
charitable  to  favor  him  with 

"  I  know  a  bank" 

which  would  undoubtedly  suggest  discounts,  and 
"  wild  ^^me"  given. 

Should  a  lover,  in  a  moment  of  delirium,  seat 
himself  upon  that  modern  pandora-ism,  a  band- 
box, containing  a  bonnet  of  the  latest  fashion,  we 
recommend  the  ditty, 

"  I'm  sitting  on  the  stile,  Mary." 

If  this  would  not  pacify  the  lady,  he  should  then 


282  A  MUSICAL  LANGUAGE. 

be  at  liberty  to  exclaim,  "  Fie,  Mary,"  and  she 
would  then  be  Molly-lied. 

A  gambler,  who's  wife  is  facile  in  the  use  of 
cards,  might  celebrate  her  good  qualities  with 

"  My  Anuie  is  a  win-some  lass." 

Songs  there  are,  suited*  to  all  conditions  in  life. 
Imagine  a  farmer  thus  addressing,  in  terms  of  re- 
proach, some  veteran  of  the  flock  and  fold,  who 
has  been  indulging  his  pugnacious  propensities, 
for  full  sixty  minutes,  by  bringing  his  cranium  in 
close  contact  with  his  adversary's  sconce — 

"  I  saw  thee  but  an  hour." 

An  auctioneer,  to  induce  his  customers  to  follow 
him  to  what,  in  old  parlance,  was  known  as  a  ven- 
due, might  cheer  them  on  with, 

"  Oh,  shall  we  go  a  sailing  I" 

"We  heard,  the  other  day,  a  beautiful  application 
of  a  charming  old  song.  "  A  man  "  down  east," 
engaged  in  cutting  pine  timber,  pleaded  with  his 
wife,  who  was  about  to  leave  him,  because  he 
would  call  her  Molly,  a  name  which  she  detested. 
He  insisted  that  Molly  she  was  born,  and  Molly 
she  should  be  called.  As  she  turned  to  leave  him 
in  the  forest,  these  words  smote  her  ear,  and  we 
hope  her  heart  also  : — 

"  Oh,  Molly  Bawn,  why  leave  me  pining  F" 

If,  dear  reader,  you  are  a  lady — but,  stop,  under 


TAKING  THE   PLEDGE.  283 

such  circumstances,  tlie  "  dear"  may  seem  too  affec- 
tionate and  presuming,  considering  our  short  ac- 
quaintance— so,  fair  reader,  if  you  he  a  lady — as 
of  course  you  are — and  if  presiding  at  your  break- 
fast-table, the  coffee-urn  should  refuse  farther  dis- 
counts of  liquid  amber,  then  pacify  the  frowning 
countenances  around  you  with, 

"  There  was  a  little  maid.^* 

An  industrious  person,  desiring  her  lord  and 
master  to  arise,  and  take  the  baby,  while  she  pre- 
pared the  breakfast,  might  use,  with  great  effect, 
the  temperance  ode — 

"  Awake,  awake,  and  take  the  pledge.^' 

A  friend,  whose  strongly-developed  somnolent 
propensities  made  him  invariably  the  last  at  the 
morning  meal,  was  finally  cured,  by  his  sister's 
playing  regularly,  as  a  reveille,  in  the  room  under- 
neath him,  the  "  Zast  Hose  of  Summer,"  with  va- 
riations of  hers. 

When  some  aspiring  traveller  shall  have  attained 
the  sumrnit  of  a  lofty  mountain — the  mounting  of 
which  has  hitherto  been  deemed  an  impossibility — 
Himalaya,  for  instance,  never  attained,  save  by 
one,  and  good  authorities  deem  him  a  liar,  what 
^''  lo  jpcBarC  could  the  victorious  vagrant  better  cel- 
ebrate his  achievement  with,  than 

*'  I've  wandered  on  through  many  a  clime? 


284  A  MUSICAL  LANGUAGE. 

An  Indian,  with  his  quiver  full  of  arrows,  but 
no  means  of  propelling  them,  might  sing, 

«   If  I  had  a  Jeaw." 

And  "  if  an  army  of  Amazons"  ever  should  come 
in  play — which  would  be  far  preferable  to  their 
coming  in  serious  earnest — how  could  the  fair  re- 
cruiting sergeants  (we  somewhat  doubt  their  being 
orderlies)  better  fill  their  ranks  than,  instead  of  the 
loud  rattle  of  the  base-born  drum,  g-inging,  in  dul-. 
cet  strains, 

«  Lady,  /i«<— lady  li%C 

Tliey  must  be  of  a  dull  set,  indeed,  who  could  resist 
such  an  invitation. 

"  Bacchus,  god  of  rosy  -wine," 

is  no  doubt  a  very  proper  song  for  those  who  go 
into  an  after-dinner  engagement ;  at  least  we 
know,  that  if  our  brains  and  health  were  in  simi- 
lar jeopardy,  to  say  nothing  of  the  probable  diffi- 
culty of  finding  our  way  home  alone,  at  the  termi- 
nation of  the  conflict,  we  should  need  somebody  to 
back  us. 

"  Twere  vain  to  tell  thee  all  I  feel," 

should  be  practised  by  all  tyros,  before  attempting 
a  sea  voyage.  They  will  find  it  extremely  appli- 
cable the  greater  part  of  the  trip. 


A  LOim  DIVE.  285 

The  title  of  one  song  has  often  puzzled  us — ^The 
Carrier  Dove — so  the  caption  says ;  but  not  one 
word  can  be  found  in  the  song  itself  to  show  how 
long  he  stayed  under,  or  whether  he  came  up  at 
all. 


CHAPTEE  III. 

A   NEW  THEORY   OF   QUOTATIONS. 

There  are  perhaps  an  hundred  unfortunate 
liners  of  poetry — literary  wandering  Jews — ^kept, 
like  the  juggler's  ball,  constantly  in  motion,  and 
finding,  like  I^oah's  dove,  no  rest  for  the  soles  of 
their  feet. 

For  a  series  of  years  has  there  been  a  wedding, 
a  frolic,  or  a  feast  recorded,  in  describing  which 
the  abominable  penny-a-liner  has  not  informed  us 
that 

"  All  went  merry  as  a  marriage  beW* 

Would  that  that  bell  had  been  cracked  ere  it 
rang  its  merry  peal,  and  that  marriage  adjourned 
sine  die^  ere  those  lines  were  written. 

We  read,  or  hear,  and  that  too  on  an  average, 
some  half  a  dozen  times  a  day,  of  some  low-born 
damsel  who 

" never  told  her  love, 

But  let  concealment,  like  a  worm  V  the  hcd, 
Feed  on  her  damask  cheek." 

Well,  suppose  she  didn't — is  that  any  reason 
why  you  should  go  on  telling  it  for  ever  afterwards  ? 


TAKING    A    SPEL.  287 

The  lady  herself,  if  it  came  to  her  ears,  would 
doubtless  be  highly  offended  at  your  eternal  prat- 
tling on  the  subject.  You  had  better  take  the 
"  concealment"  home  to  your  own  lips,  and  let  us 
have  some  less  of  the  "  cheek." 

We  propose  for  the  benefit  of  those  who  are  so 
fond  of  interlarding  their  productions  with  lines 
long  worn  threadbare,  to  give  a  few  hints  of  our 
new  system  and  the  mode  to  apply  it. 

Imagine  some  trembling  urchin,  standing  in 
speechless  astonishment,  open-mouthed,  choking 
with  the  attempt  to  arrange  and  give  utterance  to 
the  proper  letters  representing  some  ponderous 
word,  hurled  at  his  devoted  head  by  the  remorse- 
less pedagogue,  who,  book  in  hand,  with  ferocious 
phiz  contemplates  the  miserable  miscreant.  See 
the  boy  looking 

"  Like  one  whom  sudden  spels  enchant," 

"  As  if  struck  by  a  spel 
"  He  motionless  stands." 

Perchance  our  juvenile  friend  is  not  alone  in 
his  glory,  but  down  the  long  lane  of  lads  passes  the 
fatal  polysyllable 

"  Whose  magic  spel  no  tongue  can  tell." 

"Would  you  converse  with  a  blacksmith's  daugh- 
ter of  her  sooty  but  respected  progenitor  ?  Quote 
Moore,  thus 

"  Thy  father  Iran's  deadliest  foe." 
13 


288  A   NEW  THEORY   OF  QUOTATIONS. 

Would  you  address  a  game  leg  ?  Call  Shelley 
to  your  aid,  and  write 

•*  Thou  ever  soarest!* 

Two  unfortunate  dogs,  whose  combined  bowl- 
ings have  exhausted  their  master's  patience,  and 
occasioned  an  application  of  the  lash  to  the  leash, 
might  lament  with  one  of  the  Bard  of  Erin's 
heroes, 

"  Why  were  our  barks  together  driven  ?" 

The  Milesian  who  salutes  his  mistress,  steals 
kisses 

" ^That  bloom. 

Around  the  Crater's  burning  lips, 
Sweetening  their  very  edge." 

Were  you  addressing  some  war-worn  veteran, 
whose  dilapidated  citizen's  dress  contrasted  but 
sadly  with  his  quondam  glittering  trappings  of 
war  ;  "  Cutter"  will  help  you  to  this  line, 

"  Yet  holier  is  thy  peaceful  closed 

A  gallant,  surprising  his  mistress  as  she  is  under- 
going a  change  of  attire,  might  aptly  quote  from 
Marmion — 

«  Ho  !  shifts  she  thus  1" 

The  unfortunate  Irishman,  who  imagined  that 
some  one  had  cut  off  the  end  of  the  bow-line  he 
was  endeavoring  to  haul  in,  should  have  borrowed 
from  "Knowles." 

"  Never  yet  was  line  so  long." 


A   GREAT   SHOT.  289 

If  you  are  telling  the  tale  of  the  Pennsylvania 
Dutchman,  who  was  deluded  into  the  belief  that 
he  had  shot  a  deer  with  his  shovel,  throw  your 
hero  into  an  attitude,  and  put  those  words  of  the 
last-named  author  into  his  astonished  mouth. 


-Yet  who  from  such  a  stem 


Would  look  for  such  a  shoot  /" 

Would  you  salute  a  somewhat  indolent  clergy- 
man ?     Borrow  from  Wilson 

"  Hail,  idol  divine  /" 

Had  you  been  in  Wall-street  where,  as  Horace 
Smith  says — 

"  Alas  !  for  human  reason,  all  is  change" 

at  about  two,  P.  M.,  on  the  day  of  a  late  defal- 
cation ;  looking  at  the  darkened  countenances 
around  you,  you  would  have  felt  the  full  force 
of  this  line  of  Byron — 

"  One  shade  the  more,  one  Ray  the  less." 

The  toper,  who  shakes  his  bottle,  and  finds  that 
it  is  not  yet  empty,  might  pour  out  his  grateful 
thanks  with 

"  A  spirit  in  your  echoes  answers  me." 

Should  you  desire  to  describe  a  police  magis- 
trate, who  has  united  you  by  the  nuptial  tie  to 
some  fair  being,  Knowles  can  help  you  to 

"  He  seemed  a  very  Ccesar  of  a  Mari-us" 


290       A  NEW  THEOKY  OF  QUOTATIONS. 

The  man,  whose  limbs  are  naturally  crooked, 
should  remember  that  his  case  is  the  same  as  that 
of  the  "  Prisoner  of  Chillon," 

"  My  limbs  are  bowed,  but  not  with  toil," 

and  might  exult  over  the  old  proverb — 

^'  A  friend  in-kneed,  is  a  friend  indeed." 

The  rush  of  waiters,  with  travellers'  baggage 
in  the  hall  of  a  hotel,  is  aptly  described  in  "  Lalla 
Kookh"— 

"  And  as  they  tumble  trunk  on  trunk." 

A  gambler's  vest,  with  its  tawdry  jewelry,  is 

"  One  dreary  waste  of  chains!" 

A  dozing  miller — 

'*  Sleeps,  and  feels  no  more  the  grinding  cares." 

Apostrophize  a  fat  turkey,  as  Keats  does  sleep — 

"  Oh,  comfortable  bird  !" 

Keturned  Californians — 

«  Th/re  of  the  farther  west" 

And  we  tire  of  the  subject,  and  re-tire  for  the 
present,  promising  a  fresh  supply  when  these  lines 
shall  have  been  properly  committed  to  memory, 
by  those  for  whose  benefit  they  are  intended. 


CHAPTEK  TV. 

A   CHAPTER   ON   NAVIGATION. 

The  great  secrets  of  navigation  are  contained 
in  a  small  compass. 

AVhen  navigators  are  desirous  to  know  the 
depth  of  the  water,  they  usually  drop  a  line  for 
information,  and  it  has  generally  lead  in  the  end 
to  the  obtaining  of  the  sought-for  knowledge. 

Ships  that  directly  oppose  the  authority  of  the 
winds  by  endeavoring  to  fly  in  their  teeth,  are 
put  immediately  in  irons,  and  becoming  naturally 
Ul-humored  under  such  circumstances,  have  a  very 
3tern  way  about  them. 

Vessels  in  a  high  wind  are  addicted  to  low 
gambling,  and  do  nothing  but  turn  up  coppers, 
md  pitch  and  toss  while  the  gale  lasts. 

Ships  go  to  divers  parts  of  the  earth,  especially 
'hen  they  visit  the  pearl  regions. 

Those  who   go  down  to   sea  in  ships,  are  not 

iry  apt  to  turn  up  again. 

Sailors  are  very  lawless  persons,  taking  anything 


292  A   CHAPTER   ON    NAVIGATION. 

thej  need ;  in  fact,  they  sometimes  take  the  sun 
and  moon. 

Ships  are  not  nsnallj  provided  with  gardens, 
although  they  have  many  small  yards. 

Merchantmen  are  generally  successful  in  making 
sail. 

Steamers  are  likely  to  predominate  over  other 
descriptions  of  vessels,  as  they  are  much  more 
prolific,  and  have  a  greater  number  of  berths. 

They  seldom  fall,  although  they  make  a  great 
many  trips. 

Clipper-built  vessels  are  dissipated  in  their 
habits ;  their  masts  being  especially  rakish. 

The  most  unprofitable  consignment  that  can  be 
made,  is  to  ship  a  sea. 

Yessels  baified  by  head-winds,  become  very 
much  enraged,  go  to  beating,  and  often  box  the 
compass. 

Ships  have  a  great  number  of  hands  and  knees ; 
the  masts  all  have  feet  and  steps ;  the  bows  have 
figure  and  cat  heads ;  the  ship  itself  has  a  fore- 
foot, but  no  hind  one,  and  dead  eyes,  so-called, 
because  the  see  cannot  come  through  them. 

Sailoi^s  are  liable  to  a  peculiar  rheumatic  aflfec- 
tion,  called  the  sea-attic,  from  their  spending  so 
much  of  their  time  at  sea  aloft. 

One  locomotive  is  sufficient  loading  for  a  vessel, 
as  it  always  makes  a  car-go. 


CAT-TAIL   AND   PIG-TAIL.  293 

Kettle-bottomed  ships  are  most  likely  to  go  to 
pot. 

The  most  polite  parts  of  the  ship  are  the  bows 
and  the  gallant  yards. 

Ships  suifer  but  little  from  fair  winds,  but 
during  head- winds,  they  wear  very  much. 

Captains  are  Robinson  Crusonic  in  their  reckon- 
ings, keeping  the  accounts  of  the  voyage  on  logs. 
On  the  return  trip  a  back  log  is  used. 

Most  vessels  are  sociable  in  their  manners,  and 
have  a  companion-way  about  them. 

Salt  pork  on  board  ship,  is  the  "  main  stay," 
potatoes  the  "  main  truck,"  and  grog  the  "  main 
brace" — all  of  these  are  indispensable  in  the 
main — and  on  the  main. 

An  old  bachelor,  if  like  anything  on  ship-board, 
resembles  a  ring-bolt. 

Ships,  like  women,  have  waists,  and  for  this 
reason,  we  suppose,  they  miss  their  stays  so  much. 

An  undertaker's  shop  is  somewhat  like  a  ship, 
as  it  has  shrouds  on  every  side. 

A  city  belle  is  very  like  a  steamboat,  as  she 
always  has  a  "  swell"  after  her. 

The  cat  heads  are  near  the  bows  of  the  ship, 
and  the  cat-tails  near  the  stern  of  the  sailors. 

The  cat-tails  disturb  the  equanimity  of  the  jolly 
tars  very  much,  and  they  fly  to  "pig-tail"  for 
consolation. 


CHAPTER  V. 

LETTER   FROM    A   POOR   BODY   IN   DISTRESS. 

Dere  Sur 

I  take  my  pen  in  hand  tu  inform  you  of 
awl  mi  deferkilties, 

Mi  old  man  follered  the  se  till  he  got  the  se-attic 
rumatiz  from  goin  up  the  loft  so  often  to  look  out, 
I  expect,  and  when  it  was  loe  tide  in  his  pokits  he 
cum  home,  and  has  been  tide  to  me  ever  sens,  and 
hen  coblin  wimmins  shuse  and  aligators  to  boot, 
but  awl  I  kin  du,  he  wunt  last  long. 
Soon  after  we  was  marred  he  left  me  and  went  to 
see  Sal,  which  put  an  end  to  mi  canibal  felicity, 
and  left  me  to  shift  for  myself.  So  I  went  to 
raakin  shurtz  and  takin  scrubbin,  and  before  long 
I  had  a  little  plague  of  our  mutual  infection. 
I  was  allers  a  savin  kritter,  and  when  the  old  man 
cum  home  at  last  Fde  uppards  of  considerable,  and 
had  as  much  work  as  me  and  mi  gal  cud  turn  our 
bans  tu.  I'de  a  sine  over  mi  door,  and  a  carpit 
lade  in  mi  settin  room,  and  was  takin  cumfits  in 
my  daters  confecshunary  dispusishun. 


A   SAILOR    SEA-CURED.  295 

But  sense  he  cum  home  sum  of  the  medikle  young 
men  that  I  duz  for,  that's  tendin  lections  and  larnin 
to  be  sturgeons,  found  out  he  was  a  victim  to  the 
rumatiz,  and  keeps  cummin  here  advisin  him  and 
taukin  tu  my  dater  Sah 

They've  ben  lernin  her  to  dance  the  poker ;  they 
called  it  so  because  they  make  a  grate  stir  when 
they  dance  it ;  and  they  wanted  her  to  go  to  a 
bawl  with  em,  but  I  told  her  I'd  make  her  bawl  if 
she  did. 

Well,  tu  on  em  knm  in  tother  nite  when  I  was 
pay  in  mi  devours  to  the  te  tabul.  Thare  ailers  tau- 
kin bout  every  thing  they  sea,  and  so  they  told  me 
green  te  was  sloe  pisin,  and  axed  me  w4iy  I  dident 
drink  pongee  or  showsong,  wich  they  se'd  was  boo- 
tifull ;  but  mi  old  man  will  drink  gunpowder, 
because  he's  ben  in  the  navy  and  is  used  to  the 
smell. 

But  mi  te  is  so  mity  strong  I'm  afeared  sumtimes 
of  its  blowin  my  brains  out  or  purdusin  cutaneous 
rumbustious  in  the  coffin  pot  in  which  I  make  it. 
You  see  I  have  to  umer  the  old  man  a  litil,  as  he  * 
aint  goin  to  sea  any  more,  and  is  sea-cured  to  me 
for  the  rest  of  his  born  dase. 
Well,  my  young  gentlemen  stade  and  stade,  and 
tawked  about  amplificashuns  and  compound  frac- 
tions and  politics ;  I  dident  no  wq.t  they  stade  fur, 

13* 


296     LETTER   FROM    A    POOR   BODY   IN    DISTRESS. 

nor  what  they  ment,  but  purtjsoon  sum  one  whis- 
tled and  then  they  went  out. 

The  necks  mornin  wen  mi  gal  went  out  tu  take  the 
milk,  the  man  ast  hur  "  if  her  ma  had  sold  her 
mangle  ? "  She  cum  rite  off  and  told  me,  and  I 
went  out  to  bloe  up  the  man  for  his  imperdence, 
but  he  was  gawn,  and  wen  I  luked  up,  I  see  mi 
sine  was  tu. 

I  felt  awfull  decumposed,  and  went  in  and  blowed 
up  mi  old  man  to  relieve  my  feelins.  Arter  I'd 
sarched  awl  over  in  vane,  I  put  on  mi  things  and 
went  down  to  Miss  Rockwills,  the  fortin  teller,  and 
tolde  her  I'de  lost  suthin.  She  luked  at  sum  figirs 
on  her  tabel  and  sed  the  sine  was  in  the  hed,  and 
the  water-carrier  was  in  conjunction. 
I  thaut  I'de  herd  enuf,  and  so  I  put  out  fur  home 
as  put  out  as  ever  I  cud  be.  I  went  up  stares  tu 
the  hed,  but  there  wan't  no  sine  on  the  landin,  and 
then  I  hunted  up  the  man  that  brings  awl  mi  water 
from  the  hyder-aliwurks  at  the  coroner,  but  he 
swore  he  hadnt  seen  the  sine,  so  I  cum  home  and 
drank  twelve  cups  of  te  out  of  spite,  and  laid 
awake  all  nite,  hatchiu  plans  to  set  for  the  thefe. 
Kecks  mornin  brite  and  erly,  the  water-man  (the 
identified  feller  I'de  expected  of  the  dead)  noks  at 
mi  door,  and  says,  "Missis,  jist  git  up,  and  cum 
round  the  coroner  and  I'll  show  yer  yere  sine." 
Up  I  jumpt  and  round  the  coroner  I  went,  and 


SCAN   MAG. 


297 


shure  ennff  rite  on  the  Hosspittle  gate  liung  mi 
butifull  sine,  painted  sea  rulin  blew,  with  red  Caro- 
line letters  and  yeller  boarders 


MAKGLmG 

DONE 
HERE 


It's  sum  of  them  consarned  studeants  wurx,  and 
I  want  to  no  if  I  kant  git  exemplified  damni- 
fication. 

ewer  inflicted  servant  tu 
comand 

Betse  haris. 


CHAPTER  YI. 

WET   NUKSES   TO   OEDEK. A   FRAGMENT. 

"  Tim  !  Tim  Dolan ! "  shouted  the  master  of  Kil- 
dare  House,  at  the  top  of  his  voice. 

"  Here,  yer  honor,"  was  Tim's  reply  from  below, 
and  in  a  moment,  a  shock  of  red  hair,  accompanied 
by  an  indescribable  physiognomy  and  an  ungainly 
person,  appeared  in  the  presence. 

*'  Tim,  quick ;  saddle  a  horse  and  ride  down  to 
the  village ;  hire  the  first  woman  you  can  find 
with  a  young  child,  and  bring  her  home  with  you. 
IS^ever  mind  the  price,"  said  the  master. 

"Sorra  a  one  of  me  knows  who  I'll  get,  yer 
honor,"  returned  Tim. 

"  What !  not  a  woman  in  the  village  that  has  a 
young  child  ? "  asked  Mr.  O'Conor. 

"  Divil  a  one,  savin  yere  presence,  sence  blissid 
Father  Moriftsfty  was  called  to  heaven  two  long 
years  agono,*^  was  Tim's  reply. 

"  What  shall  we  do?  what  shall  we  do?"  ex- 
claimed the  master,  wringing  his  hands. 


SLIGHTLY   DAMP.  299 

"  The  doctor  says,  that  if  we  don't  get  a  wet 
nurse  this  night,  my  poor  infant  heir  is  doomed." 

"  Oh,  why  didn't  ye  say  so  ? "  returned  Tim. 
"  I'll  find  ye  one  immediately." 

In  a  few  minutes  a  terrible  uproar  was  heard 
below,  and  Mrs.  Moriarty,  fhe  nurse  in  ordinary, 
rushed  into  the  parlor,  shrieking  out, 

"  Murther,  ye  villin !  honna-mon-dhioul  to  ye, 
Tim  Dolan,  for  ever  more,  ahmin  ! " 

"  What  under  heaven  is  the  matter  ? "  demanded 
the  astonished  master,  "  and  what  does  all  this 
mean  at  such  a  time  ? " 

"That  blaygard  Tim,  yer  honor,"  replied  the 
infuriate  dame,  "  that  blaygard  Tim  daured  to  call 
me  out  to  look  at  something  in  the  wather-butt, 
and  whin  I  wasn't  mindin  him,  he  catches  me  by 
the  heels  and  souses  me  in  entirely.  Oh  !  wurra 
astrew !  —  the  divil  resave  ye,  ye  tief  of  the 
world!" 

"  Why,  you  scoundrel,"  exclaimed  Mr.  O'Conor, 
seizing  Tim  by  the  collar,  *'  how  dare  you  ? " 

"  Bless  yer  honor,"  replied  Tim,  "  and  yer  hon- 
or's beautiful  lady,  and  yer  honor's  illigant  jewel 
of  a  baby,  that  sha'n't  die  at  all,  at  all,  I  was  jist 
making  a  wet  nurse  of  her,  to  be  shure ;  if  you 
want  a  wetter  one,  say  the  worrud,  and  I'll  fill  the 
butt  up  to  the  top." 


CHAPTER  YII. 

AN    INTERCEPTED  LETTER  (fOTJND  UPON  THE  BATTERY.) 

I  take  pin  in  band,  to  obey  your  command, 

In  addressin  me  daiiint,  an  hour  to  imploy ; 
I'm  sick  and  I'm  sad,  and  Tm  bother'd  like  mad, 

The  same  blissins,  dare  Judy,  I  hope  you  injoy. 

Now,  love,  don't  be  frighten'd  to  see  me  bad  writin, 
You  know  what  a  schollard  I  was  at  that  same. 

In  readin  an  spellin,  all  others  excellin, 

But  whin  half  says  over,  they  slipped  me  agen. 

Millia,  murther,  my  jewell,  shure  wasn't  it  cruel. 

An  innocint  craythure,  like  me  to  desave. 
How  wid  milk  and  wid  honey,  wid  dimins  and  money, 

The  gutthers  was  flowin,  the  sthreets  was  all  paved. 

Arrah  Judy,  they  tould  me,  they  couldn't  withowld  me, 
From  getting  a  stashun,  soon's  I'd  be  on  shore, 

At  laste  a  tithe-proctor,  or  sich  a  horse  doctor, 
As  I  was,  they'd  make  me  Lord  Mare  to  the  fore. 

Though  not  very  ful  handed,  the  minit  we  landed. 

We  intered  a  shebeen,  convaynient  the  shore, 
And  all  tuk  to  dhrinkin,  the  divil  one  thinkin 

That  men  of  distinchshin  they'd  ax  for  the  score. 

To  show  our  high  braydin,  and  not  be  degradin 
The  blood  that  was  ia  us,  we  called  on  the  wine, 


AN   OBLIGING  CAPTAIN.  301 

An  down  his  own  throttle,  ache  man  poured  a  bottle, 
Arrah  Judy,  ma  vourneen,  the  flavor  was  fine. 

It  bate  all  the  whiskey  in  makin'  uz  friskey 
The  strlngth  that  was  in  it,  no  one  'ud  suppose : 

An  its  truth  that  I'm  tellin,  to  kape  it  from  swellin, 
The  cork  of  ache  bottle  was  tied  to  its  nose. 

But  when  we'd  be  goin,  shure  wusn't  they  showin, 

A  long  slip  of  paper,  a  bill  'twas  they  called, 
So  we  riz  up  a  ruckshun,  an  made  swate  destrucshun 

Ov  bottles  an  glasses,  an  waithei's  an  all. 

We  smashed  iviy  windy,  kicked  up  sich  a  shindy, 

That  they  knocked  up  the  polishe,  and  they  knocked  us  down, 

And  for  degradashuu,  tuk  uz  to  a  stashun, 

An  giv  us  dhry  lodgins,  och  murther ;  och  hone ; 

And  whin  the  next  mornin,  the  skies  was  adornin, 
They  marched  uz  for  thrial,  as  big  as  ye  plaze. 

The  judge  was  a  quare  one,  a  wig  he  don't  ware  one, 
And  sits  in  a  chair  very  mucli  at  his  aise. 

Siz  I,  "  plaize  yer  honor,  me  name's  Micky  Connor, 

And  it's  sakin  my  foi-tin  that  I'm  doin  here." 
Sez  he,  "  Mick,  me  Jewell,  I  wudn't  be  cruel, 

Shell  out  half  an  aigle,  an  yez  may  go  clear." 

Judy,  now  that  I  know  it,  to  the  devil  I  throw  it. 

For  a  counthry  of  freedom,  its  likes  ne'er  was  known ; 

For  dhrinkin  an  atin,  an  danciu  an  batin, 
Arrah,  divil  a  thratin,  ache  pez  for  his  own. 

An  murther,  the  tormints  or  bugs  and  ov  varmints, 
Wid  wings  and  widout  'em,  wid  sting  and  wid  bite, 

They  bother  us  slaypin,  an  kape  us  from  rapin. 
In  Morfusis  swate  arms  repose  day  or  night. 


302  AN   INTERCEPTED   LETTER. 

The  museatliers  the  craythurs,  bangs  all  human  nature, 
They  blows  on  their  trumpitz,  an  fades  where  they  plaize ; 

An  the  bugs  be  the  blaziz,  they  runs  quathei*  raciz, 
An  dances  kodrills  on  me  legs  wid  the  flays. 

Thim  bugs  has  savour,  ov  mighty  high  flavour, 

They're  the  size  av  me  hand,  an  they  come  in  big  throops. 

The  Yankees  they  raise  'em,  and  highly  they  praise  'em, 
For  illigant  atin,  made  in  turtle  soups. 

But  the  staymer's  a  waitin,  the  captain,  re  pay  tin 

That  if  I  don't  stop  he'll  be  loosin  the  tide. 
May  the  choicest  ov  blessins  be  iver  your  dressin. 

And  kape  clear  ov  the  boys  till  ye'r  Mickey's  own  bride. 

Mickey  Connoe. 


CHAPTEK  YIII. 

SERIOUS   COMPLAINT  AGAINST  WIT   AND   HUMOR. 

{An  intercepted  letter  evidently  intended  for 

publication.) 
Sir: 

You  may  have  heard  of  the  man,  who, 
having  astonished  the  company  by  his  gastronomic 
performances,  accounted  for  them  by  saying  that 
his  father  always  eat  a  great  while,  and  his  mother 
a  great  deal,  and  that  he  took  after  both  of  them. 
In  some  respects  I  am  like  him.  My  father  was  a 
very  plain  man,  and  my  mother  disliked  nonsense. 
I  resemble  them  in  both  particulars. 

Whenever  my  father  slipped  up  upon  a  piece 
of  orange  peel  or  down  upon  a  defunct  quid, 
poked  his  leg  through  a  loose  grating  or  muddied 
his  boots  in  crossing  a  filthy  street,  he  immediately 
composed  a  pungent  and  sententious  article  upon 
the  subject,  and  caused  it  to  be  inserted  in  some 
city  journal.  You  have  probably  perused  the 
productions  of  his  pen  with  pleasure.  They  were 
usually  signed,  either  a  "  Constant  Reader "  or 


304         COMPLAINT   AGAINST   WIT   AND    liUirOE. 

"  Yours,  Truly."  His  many  friends  sought  to 
induce  him  to  prepare  his  many  interesting 
papers  for  publication,  and  they  thought  that, 
presented  to  the  world  in  a  handsome  octavo, 
embellished  with  the  author's  portrait,  and  chris- 
tened "Urbal  Economy;  or,  the  Miscellaneous 
Patriotic  "Writings  of  Pro  Bono  Publico,"  they 
must  meet  with-  decided  success.  His  innate 
modesty  shrank  from  the  task,  and  we  are  the 
losers. 

Following  in  his  revered  footprints,  I  desire  to 
bring  to  your  notice,  and  to  hold  up  to  view  of  an 
outraged  world  a  terrible  nuisance,  a  nuisance 
that — but  my  pen  fails  to  depict  my  sensations. 

Having  lately  had  occasion  to  purchase  some 
classical  books  for  my  eldest  son,  Junius  Brutus, 
it  occurred  to  Mrs.  B.,  who  is  of  an  economical 
turn  of  mind,  that  the  intended  purchase  might 
be  effected  at  a  low  figure  by  attending  some  of 
the  literary  auction  marts  of  Broadway. 

I  do  not  approve  of  auctions  generally,  although 
my  researches  among  classic  lore  satisfy  me  that 
they  savor  of  high  antiquity. 

By  the  Komans,  sales  were  effected  "  sub  hasta^'' 
or  in  a  hasty  manner,  and  the  piratical  flag  of  the 
modern  auctioneer  looks  up  to  the  ancient  pennon 
as  its  prototype. 


CANDLES   VEESU8   GAS.  305 

In  England,  and  among  the  respectable  Conti- 
nental nations,  sales  were,  and  are  yet  "  made  by 
the  candle,"  the  company  making  all  the  noise, 
and  the  auctioneer  conducting  himself  and  his 
business  with  silent  dignity.  "With  our  auc- 
tioneers the  use  of  the  candle,  as  an  agent  of  sale, 
is  unknown,  and  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  in  its  place 
a  vast  quantity  of  gas  is  employed. 

My  business  frequently  calls  me  to  Hanover 
Square,  where,  it  affords  me  pleasure  to  add, 
sugars  are  sold  with  solemnity,  peppers  with 
propriety,  groceries  with  gravity,  molasses  with- 
out mirth,  and  even  drugs  with  dignity  and 
decorum.  I  had  supposed  that  sales  of  literature 
would  be  conducted  in  an  appropriately  grave  and 
edifying  manner,  but  I  had  reckoned  without 
mine  host. 

Having  last  evening,  in  the  bosom  of  my  family, 
partaken  of  the  accustomed  infusion  of  the  Chinese 
balm,  I  sallied  forth,  and  strolling  down  Broad- 
way, fate  soon  conducted  me  to  one  of  those  rooms 
where  books  are  supposed  to  be  vended  to  the 
highest  bidder.  The  apartment  was  crowded ; 
and  judge  of  my  surprise,  when,  in  place  of  the 
benignant  and  venerable  sage  whom  my  fancy 
had  depicted  as  the  presiding  priest  in  this  temple 
of  Minerva,  I  beheld  a  young  man  who  seemed  to 
be  lustily  begging  for  another  shilling,  and  looked 


30G         COMPLAINT   AGAINST   WIT   AND   HUMOR. 

as  if  he  might  have  bearded  a  lion  in  his  den. 
He  was  flonrishing  away  in  such  a  manner,  that 
an  English  gentleman  remarked  to  me,  "he  ex- 
hibited altogether  too  many  h'airs  for  an  ordinary 
civilian." 

Instead  of  showing  a  proper  indignation  at  such 
conduct,  the  audience  appeared  to  be  quite  amused 
at  it,  and  when  the  salesman  did  or  said  anything 
more  preposterous  than  usual,  they  even  went  so 
far  as  to  applaud  him. 

I  was  at  first  surprised,  then  astonished,  then 
amazed,  then  petrified,  and  taking  out  my  pencil, 
made  notes  as  he  went  on  with  his  auction.  It 
was  something  very  Uke  this.  I  inclose  in  paren- 
theses the  occasional  responses  of  the  company  : 

"  How  much  am  I  ofiered  for  this  very  superior 
eight-quire  ledger,  for  all  the  world  like  Austria  ! 
{How's  that^  John  f)  Why,  it's  got  Russia  to  back 
it,  and  now  is  completely  cornered  by  it.  Fifty 
cents  a  quire,  and  down  it  goes  to  Owen  Phalen 
— don't  know  about  selling  to  a  man  who's  always 
owin'  and  failin'.  Here,  gentlemen,  is  an  excel- 
lent backgammon-board,  with  checkers  and  all  on 
the  square.  (  Warrant  it  perfect  ?)  Why,  it's  as 
perfect  as  that  copy  of  Milton,  there's  a  pair  'o- 
dice  lost.  What  next.  Oh !  '  Baron  Munchausen' 
and  '  Charles  Lamb.'  {DonH  sell  them  together.) 
Why  not,   pray;  are  not  Lamb's  the  essays  of 


A   WONDEEFUL   WOMAN.  307 

E-lia  ?    Twenty-five  cents  a  volume,  to  Mr. 


Cash.  {Look  here^  Mister !  Where's  the  outside 
of  this  coj>y  of  Lamb  f)  Don't  know.  Some 
one's  fleeced  it ;  it's  gone,  but  you  can  re-cover  it 
you  know.  "  Three  E-ras  of  Woman's  Life,'  how 
much  for  'em.  Wonderful  woman,  only  three 
errors,  twenty-five  cents  'seven  and  a 'half,  thirty, 
going  at  thirty  ;  only  ten  cents  a  piece  ;  not  very 
x-pence-ive  errors  after  all.  "  Hallam's  Middle 
Ages,'  intended  for  gentlemen  in  the  prime  of 
life.  One  dollar  fifty,  Mr.  Griskin.  'Adams's 
Arithmetic,'  an  excellent  book:  contains  both 
truth  and  poetry.  {What  jpoetryf  Td  like  to 
know  f)  Why  the  '  Rule*  of  Three  in-verse,'  to  be 
sure  ;  one  shilling  to  Mr.  Stubbins.  Here  is  a 
valuable  copy  of  the  Court  Guide  ;  how  much  for 
'that  ?  (  What  is  it  1)  A  free  translation  of  Ovid, 
I  believe ;  fifty  cents,  seventy-five,  one  dollar,  to 
Mr.  Tupman.  *Mair's  Syntax,'  a  very  amusing 
book,  indeed.  ( What's  it  all  about^  Jock  f)  The 
fines  imposed  in  Mr.  Kingsland's  court,  I  suppose. 
{Oh^  then^  give  me  yourself^  'Jock^  av  L  knowed 
what  wa/rd  ye  belonged  to  Td  vote  for  ye  for 
aldhermin.)  I  don't  belong  to  any  ward,  now ; 
but  when  I  was  a  boy  I  belonged  to  them  all. 
(How's  that  f)  Why,  I  was  one  of  the  Master 
Keys." 
Having  drawn  near  the  end  of  his  catalogue, 


308         COMPLAmT   AGAINST   WIT   AND   IIUMOK. 

the  auctioneer  abandoned  it,  and  commenced 
selling  books  indiscriminately  and  with  absolute 
fury.  I  rushed  up  to  the  stand,  but  being  some- 
what confused,  did  not  know  exactly  what  books 
he  was  selling. 

I  purchased  a  lot,  however,  containing  as  I 
supposed,  a  copy  of  "  Hannah  More,"  Chapone's 
Letters,"  and  "  the  Life  of  Franklin,"  which  I 
intended  as  a  gift  for  Mrs.  B.,  my  daughter,  and 
my  son.  When  I  returned  home  my  family 
flocked  around  me  as  eager  to  examine  my  pur- 
chases as  were  the  Vicar's  people  to  get  a  peep  at 
the  bargains  of  Moses.  With  a  countenance 
beaming  with  happiness  and  the  consciousness  of 
making  appropriate  presents  at  small  cost,  I 
handed  the  books  around. 

"La,  Pa!"  exclaimed  Miss  Boggs.  "What  a 
queer  book ;  oh,  ain't  it  fun,  though  ?" 

By  this  time  Mrs.  B.  had  put  on  her  spectacles 
and  opened  her  book.  Judge  of  my  surprise,  to 
see  her  jump  up  and  throw  the  book  in  the  fire, 
to  feel  a  sound  box  upon  my  ears,  and  to  hear  her 
exclaim  in  a  particularly  sharp  key — 

"  B. !  you  have  been  drinking,  you  brute ; 
how  dare  you  bring  me  home  Tom  Paine's 
Works?" 

"  Lucretia  Virginia  and  Junius  Brutus,  what 
have  you  got  there  that  amuses  you  so  much  ?" 


SAD   MISTAKE.  309 

My  daughter's  book  proved  to  be  a  very  im- 
proper odd  volume  written  by  a  Mr.  Kabelais, 
and  my  son's  Life  of  the  philosopher,  a  copy  of 
Jack  Sheppard. 

So  much  for  attending  auctions  and  not  know- 
ing what  you  buy.  And  now,  gentleman,  I  ask 
you,  is  not  this  nuisance  to  be  abated  ? 

Yours,  with  distinguished  consideration, 

MAKcrs  Maeitjs  Bogos. 


CHAPTEK  IX. 

ASTEONOMY   WITH   TERRESTRIAL   APPLICATIONS. 

Astronomy  is  derived  from  ast/t^a^  and  no-mos^ 
signifying  the  science  of  having  no  muss  (demo- 
cratic, for  disturbance)  among  the  stars. 

The  captains  of  police  are  terrestrial  astro- 
nomers. 

Physical  Astronomy  commences  with  the  in- 
troduction of  mercury  into  the  system. 

There  are  four  classes  of  stars.  Fixed  stars  ; 
periodical  stars ;  telescopic  sta/rs ;  and  unformed 
stars. 

Fixed  Stars  are  those,  who,  although  ranking 
A  1  in  their  profession,  yet  remain  fixed  in  one 
position  ;  as  Burton  and  Wallack. 

Periodic  Stars,  are  those  that  revolve  at  re- 
gular intervals ;  as  Forest,  Miss  Davenport,  and 
the  Pavels.  Fixed  stars  sometimes  become  pe- 
riodic ;  as  Harry  Placide. 

Telescopic  Stars,  are  those  gazed  at  through 
lorgnettes,  as  Grisi  and  Mario. 

Unformed  Stars  are  aspiring  prodigies,  anx- 


311 


iously  awaiting  to  astonish  the  natives ;  as  Miss 
B — 5  and  juvenile  ones,  as  little  Patti. 

The  Sun  has  two  real,  and  two  apparent  mo- 
tions. The  Kew  York  Son  has  two  real  motions, 
when  he  goes  down  town  to  business,  and  when 
he  returns  to  supper ;  and  several  apparent  ones 
when  he  pretends  to  be  at  work,  but  is  doing  any- 
thing else.  A  parent  motion  some  times  signifies 
the  father  being  after  him  with  a  sharp  stick,  and 
a  real  motion,  when  he  applies  it. 

You  will  find  Mars  among  the  heavenly  bodies 
but  no  ^^V 

Saturn  is  the  champion,  he  wears  the  belt,  and 
has  always  a  ring  about  him.     . 

The  moon  has  great  influence  upon  the  earth  ; 
the  moonsoons  are  winds  produced  by  the  moon's 
rising  sooner  there  than  elsewhere. 

When  the  moon  is  suspended  high  in  the 
heavens,  it  is  high  tide. 

The  trade  winds,  are  those  that  are  bought  and 
sold  by  the  ISTorwegian  witches. 

None  of  the  stars  have  their  feet  covered  ex- 
cept Arcturus,  who  is  always  in  Bootes. 

The  only  oflScial  dignitary  among  them  is  Al- 
dermin. 

The  constellations  of  the  Kam,  the  Bull,  the 
Colt  and  the  Yirgin,  are  not  in  the  milky  way. 

Rain  is  occasioned  by  the  water-bearer  up- 
14  ' 


312  ASTRONOMY. 

setting  his  pail.  In  one  of  these  upsets  it  is  sup- 
])osed  that  the  Dipper  must  have  fallen  out. 

The  Scales  have  no  connection  with  the  Fishes. 

The  only  Irish  constellations  are  the  Bull  and 
O'rion. 

The  Clock  moves  so  slowly,  that  all  the  others 
go  ly  it. 

When  the  Great  Bear  is  unruly,  the  Great  Dog 
is  set  on  him,  and  under  similar  circumstances, 
the  Little  Dog  upon  the  Little  Bear. 

Castor  and  Pollux,  are  the  twins.  When  they 
were  born,  the  father,  astounded  at  the  fruitful- 
ness  of  his  wife,  exclaimed,  "  Oh !  Gimini," — 
-whence  their  name. 

ASTROirOMIOAL  TERMS. 

The  terms  in  astronomy  are  particularly  appli- 
cable to  earthly  objects  at  night. 

Aberration.  —  Temporary  alienation  of  the 
mind.     Seeing  two  candles  for  one. 

Altitude. — Getting  tolerably  high. 

AMPLrruDE. — Feeling  very  large  in  consequence. 

Anomaly.  —  Queer  and  ardent  friendships 
formed  pro.  tem.,  under  these  circumstances. 

Ascensional  Difference. — Increased  difficulty 
of  getting  up  stairs. 

Culminating. — Getting  so  high  that  your  friends 
think  things  have  come  to  a  point  with  you. 


PROBLEMS.  313 

Centripetal. — A  proneness  to  tumble  down. 

Equinox. — Blow  for  blow. 

Emersion. — Crawling  out  of  the  gutter. 

Sensible  Horizon. — A  social  circle. 

Inclination. — Desire  to  join  a  sensible  horizon. 

Immersion. — Falling  into  a  gutter. 

Mean  Motion. — Backing  out. 

OccuLTATioN. — Getting  one's  eyes  bunged  up. 

Refraction. — Hitting  back. 

Revolution. — The  apparent  rotary  motion  of 
the  moon. 

QuART-iLE. — ^The  circulating  medium  for  two 
pints  of  Kew  England,  in  the  temperance  states. 

Sex-til-e. — A  Bonnet. 

Seasons. — Pepper,  mustard,  olive  oil  and  ca- 
yenne. 

Sidereal  Year. — ^The  year  pending  General 
Harrison's  election. 

Superior  Pla^nets. — Captains  of  the  watch. 

Signs. — Eingers  and  thumbs  applied  to  nasal 
protuberances. 

problems. 

To  find  the  altitude  of  ajplace. — Get  very  com- 
fortable ;  go  into  the  principal  streets  at  midnight, 
shout,  yell,  sing,  and  tear  down  signs.  See  how 
far  you  can  go  without  wakening  the  watch,  and 


314  ASTRONOMY. 

you  will  have  the  latitude  you  can  take  in  the 
place  exactly. 

To  find  the  longitude  of  a  place. — Hire  a  cab  by 
the  hour  to  drive  through  it. 

Tofijnd  the  latitude  or  longitude  of  a  given  star, 
— Bribe  him  to  let  you  oflP,  and  you  obtain  his 
latitude;  if  he  will  not  be  bribed,  measure  his 
length  with  a  shillelah,  and  you  will  find  the 
longitude  required. 


CHAPTEE  X. 

A   SHORT   TREATISE   UPON   MYTHOLOGY. 

Jupiter  was  father  of  the  Gods  and  quite  a 
number  of  men.  In  his  infancy  he  ran  great  risk 
of  being  devoured  by  hi^paternal  progenitor — 
a  man  of  "  saturnine,"  disposition,  and  very  fond 
of  children  in  the  shell,  having  derived  his  tastes 
from  his  brother — a  tight  'un. 

In  his  home  afi'airs,  Jupiter  evinced  much 
mother-wit  and  a  disposition  for  change.  He 
proved  his  knowledge  of  the  sex  by  dropping  down 
in  Danse's  lap  in  a  shower  of  gold,  thereby  teach- 
ing the  sex  how  to  gild  over  their  peccadillos,  and 
mankind  the  surest  key  to  a  woman's  heart. 

He  satyrized  Antiope  and  turned  himself  into 
a  swan,  to  follow  Leda.  (In  our  times  men  make 
geese  of  themselves  in  following  their  leaders.) 
He  was  probably  the  first  Irishman,  as  he  made  a 
bull  in  his  pursuit  of  Europa.  The  only  true 
flame,  however,  that  he  ever  had,  .was  Semele, 
who  burnt  up  in  his  presence — the  first  case  of 
spontaneous  combustion  upon  record. 


316  MYTHOLOGY. 

Mercury  was  messenger  of  the  Gods,  and  being 
well  provided  with  wings,  was  "  fly"  upon  all 
sorts  of  mischief;  sailing  in  the  upper  air  he 
seemed  a  Hue  mass. 

Ytjlcan  was  the  first  forger.  His  speculations 
were  principally  confined  to  hard  currency,  bonds, 
shares,  patent  thunder,  &c.  He  was  the  first 
inventor  of  the  sjpring  bed,  having  caught  Mrs. 
Yulcan  and  Captain  Mars  in  one. 

For  this  feat  he  received  one  of  Jupiter's  "  a 
posteriori,"  who  settled  all  arrears  by  kicking 
him  a  rear.  Falling  upon  the  earth,  he  landed 
from  his  Olympic  flight  in  a  limpic  condition. 

Yenus,  afterwards  Mrs.  Yulcan,  was  born  in  an 
oyster-bed,  and  her  clam-orous  disposition  is  thus 
accounted  for. 

She  wore  a  wonderful  zone  about  her  waist, 
which,  by  all  accounts,  must  have  been  a  torrid 
one. 

Cupid,  son  of  Yenus,  handled  bows  and  belles 
in  a  shocking  manner. 

Mars,  God  of  War,  so  called  because  he  mars 
the  face  of  nature,  and  the  bodies  of  mankind. 

B  ELLON  A,  his  wife,  the  inventress  of  a  celebrated 
kind  of  sausage. 

Aurora,  the  Goddess  of  the  Morning,  and  quite 
a  roarer  in  her  way. 

Orpheus,  a  son  of  Apollo,  who  went  to  hell 


FIRST   ORPHEAN   ASYLUM.  317 

after  Eurydice ;  not  the  first  or  the  last  man  who 
has  done  the  same  for  a  woman.  The  infernal 
regions  seem  to  have  been  the  first  Orphean 
Asylum. 

loj  daughter  of  Inachus,  changed  by  Jupiter 
into  a  cow,  in  order  to  enable  her  to  escape  the 
pursuit  of  Juno,  who  was  after  her  with  a  sharp 
stick.  This,  by  some,  is  considered  a  metaphor, 
typical  of  the  fact  that  all  men  who  have  to  plead 
guilty  to  "  I  owe"  are  easily  "  cowed." 

Cyclades,  young  ladies,  who,  being  very  sea- 
sick indeed,  were  changed  into  islands  by  'Neip- 
tune,  out  of  pure  compassion. 

Hy-polite,  Queen  of  the  Amazons,  who  made 
Hercules  a  very  handsome  present.  She  obtained 
her  name  from  her  excessive  politeness. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


HINTS   ON    ORNITHOLOGY. 


Although  birds  in  general  do  not  suffer  from 
colds  in  their  heads,  yet  the  smaller  varieties  are 
liable  to  hawk,  and  domestic  fowls  to  spit.  Birds 
have  no  expresses,  nor  are  they  engaged  in  the 
transportation  business,  except  buzzards  and  crows, 
who  are  all  in  the  carrion  line. 

Every  crow  that  is  a  raven  should  be  immedi- 
ately shut  up  in  the  lunatic  asylum. 

Judges  who  own  a  rookery  have  frequent  oppor- 
tunities to  hear  caws. 

The  throats  of  birds  are  small ;  hawks,  never- 
theless, often  take  quite  large  swallows. 

Although  birds  do  not  preach,  the  larger  species 
prey  continually. 

The  rooster  is  their  chorister,  and  practices  the 
chromatic  scale  every  morning. 

Hens  and  chickens  should  never  be  allowed  to 
amuse  themselves,  as  it  always  results  in  fowl 
play. 


THE   PERFECT    BIRD.  319 

Ko  man  in  the  present  day  would  think  of  send- 
ing a  goose  in  reply  to  a  note,  yet  among  the 
Romans,  the  bird  was  an  anser. 

Although  tame  pigeons  have  nothing  of  the 
India  rubber  kind  in  their  formation,  yet  they  are 
notoriously  gutter-perches. 

The  business  hours  of  birds  differ  from  our  own, 
their  notes  being  mostly  given  out  before  10  A. 
M. 

The  gallinaceous  variety  form  but  a  small  por- 
tion of  the  entire  species,  yet  at  night  all  birds 
are  roosters. 

No  perfection  exists  among  the  feathered  tribe, 
and  it  is  only  among  the  human  race  that  we  find 

THE   PERFECT   BIRD. 

Birds  have  invariably  a  beak  or  a  bill  before 
them,  but  the  Perfect  Bird  has  often  a  beak  with  a 
bill  after  him. 

The  notes  of  a  Perfect  Bird  are  usually  very 
bad.  The  Perfect  Bird  has  no  wings,  yet  he  is 
considered  "  fly"  upon  all  sporting  matters. 

Some  birds  are  said  to  carry  brick-bats  under 
their  wings  to  sharpen  their  bills,  and  others,  stones 
in  their  maws  to  whet  their  appetites,  but  the  Per- 
fect Bird  carries  a  brick  in  his  hat  and  a  stone  in 
his  boot. 

In  the  language  of  his  class,  the  Perfect  Bird 
generally  turns  out  to  be  ^*  a  bad  Qgg-^^ 


CHAPTEE  Xn. 

ON  THE  VEGETABLE  KINGDOM. 

The  term  vegetable — sometimes  pronounced 
wegetable — is  probably  derived  from  the  peculiar 
long  and  pointed  form  of  this  description  of  escu- 
lents, hence  originally  called  wedge- eatables,  then 
wegetables,  and  now  refined  into  the  present  term. 

Annual  flowering  plants  resemble  whales,  as 
they  come  up  to  blow. 

Flowers  are  very  warlike  in  their  disposition, 
and  are  always  armed  with  pistils. 

As  with  the  human  family,  the  lower  portion  of 
all  plants  are  radicles. 

They  are  migratory  in  their  habits,  for  wherever 
they  may  winter  they  are  sure  to  leave  in  the 
spring ;  most  of  them  extremely  polite  and  full  of 
boughs. 

Like  dandies,  the  coating  of  many  trees  is  their 
most  valuable  portion.  Cork  trees  and  boot  trees 
for  instance. 

Grain  and  seeds  are  not  considered  dangerous 
except  when  about  to  shoot. 


MELON-COLIO    EFFECT.  321 

Some  trees,  like  watch-dogs,  are  principally  val- 
uable on  account  of  their  bark. 

A  small  quantity  of  bark  will  make  a  rope,  but 
it  requires  a  large  pile  of  wood  to  make  a  cord. 

Although  there  are  no  vegetable  beaux,  yet 
there  are  many  spruce  trees. 

Most  trees  are  respectable,  but  a  variety  of  lo- 
cusses  are  found  among  them. 

It  is  considered  proper  to  ax  trees  before  you  fell 
them. 

All  fruit  trees  have  strong  military  propensities. 
When  young  they  are  well  trained  ;  they  have 
many  kernels,  and  their  shoots  are  very  straight. 

Grain  is  treated  like  infants,  when  the  head  be- 
comes heavy  it  is  cradled,  and  threshing  is  resorted 
to  to  make  it  fit  for  use. 

Tares  are  only  found  among  the  small  grains, 
which  is  the  reason  that  they  alone  require  sowing. 

Too  great  indulgence  in  fruit  is  dangerous,  and 
a  free  use  of  melons  often  produce  a  melon-colic 
effect. 

Old  maids  are  fond  of  pairs,  but  cannot  endure 
dates.  Lovers  like  tulips,  heartease,  and  the  cy- 
press. 

Sailors  are  attached  to  bays,  and  oystermen  to 
beeches.  Ordinary  looking  men  and  carpenters 
to  plane  trees.  Reserved  and  distant  persons  to 
the  fir.     Love-sick  maidens,  the  pine.     Crockery 


322         THE  VEGETABLE  KINGDOM. 

and  tea  dealers,  the  china-tree.  Mock  auctioneers, 
the  gum.  Masons,  the  lime.  Chatham  street 
merchants,  juniper.  Politicians,  and  young  par- 
sons, the  poplar.  Misers,  the  plum.  Blacksmiths, 
the  iron  tree.  Shoemakers,  the  boot  tree.  Man- 
ufacturers, the  cotton  tree.  All  burglars,  without 
being  botanists,  are  very  fond  of  a  plant. 


CHAPTEE  Xm. 

SERIOUS   THOUGHTS   UPON   MOTHER   GOOSe's     MELODIES. 

"  Jack  Sprat,  could  eat  nofat. 
His  wife  cotild  eat  no  lean, 
And  so  betwixt  them  both, 
They  licked  the  platter  clean.^' 

A  SMALL  book  may  contain  great  wit,  and 
secluded  in  a  diminutive  nutshell  often  lies  snugly 
ensconced  a  kernel  of  true  and  pure  philosophy. 

Early  impressed  upon  our  dawning  mind,  the 
above  lines  yet  remain,  traced,  as  it  were,  with 
adamantine  pen  upon  the  tablets  of  young  mem- 
ory. And  we  have  thought  and  pondered  over 
them  until  each  individual  word  is  as  some  mighty 
and  ponderous  tome,  telling  a  history,  and  em- 
bodying a  moral  of  its  own. 

John  Sprat,  Esquire,  was  evidently  a  diminutive 
specimen  of  the  genus  homo,  a  kind  of  demi- John, 
and  doubtless  full  of  proper  spirit. 

Disdaining  the  more  gross  and  oleaginous  part 
of  animal  food,  he,  like  the  Turk,  must  have 
ignored  pork,  and  been  a  bitter  and  implacable 


324 

enemy  to  grease.  "We  like  him  for  his  idiosyn- 
cracy,  for  his  fondness  of  the  lean.  We  lean  that 
way  ourselves. 

Caustic  critic !  censure  not  the  worthy  Jack. 
Should  his  taste  in  such  matters  differ  from  thine 
own,  spare  him,  for  he  was  spare. 

Jack  ordered  his  chops  and  steaks  all  lean,  and 
lived  and  throve  upon  leanness ;  but  ere  long  a 
change  came  over  the  spirit  of  his  dream. 

He  sought  a  wife  to  lean  upon ;  a  partner  of 
his  toils,  his  pleasures  and  his  fame.  Alas !  poor 
Jiick,  that  time  you  cut  it  rather  fat. 

" His  wife  could  eat  no  lean" 

Here  lay  the  germ  of  domestic  difficulty,  and 
nothing  short  of  the  celebrated  striped  pig  of  the 
Milesian — ^one  day  crammed  to  repletion,  the  next 
upon  the  utmost  verge  of  starvation — with  its  par- 
allel streaks  of  fat  and  lean,  would  have  answered 
their  turn. 

What,  in  this  emergency,  did  they  do  ? 

"  Betwixt  them  both 


Tliey  licked tlie platter  clean" 

In-fat-uated  wretch !  miserahle  woman  !  unhappy 
home  !  desecrated  hearth !  unfortunate  platter !  pro- 
bably broken  in  the  scuffle.  Alas !  and  well-a- 
day !  that  man  and  wife  should  come  to  licks 
about  a  platter. 


THE  MORAL.  325 

When  matrimonial  blows  commence,  look  out 
for  continued  squalls. 

The  meat  was  equally  unfitted  for  the  taste  of 
either ;  Jack  disdaining  it  for  its  fatness,  his  lady 
for  its  leanness,  and  therefore  throwing  the  meat 
upon  the  table,  as  'twas  meet  they  should,  both 
rushed  at  the  platter. 

Heaven  bless  the  mark,  and  save  the  pieces ! 
Jack  and  his  wife  ran  for  a  plate. 

Reader,  if  thou  art  a  lean  man,  take  this  lesson 
home  to  thine  own  bosom,  and  think  twice  ere 
thou  takest  unto  thy  home,  heart,  and  platter,  a 
daughter  of  Eve  with  propensities  of  peculiar  pre- 
ponderance for  the  pinguid  portions  of  the  porcine 
race. 

Nor  is  this  cabinet  -picture,  this  "  household 
w^ord,"  the  only  gem  in  the  world-renowned  and 
time  honored  volume  before  us.  A  solemn  pre- 
cept, a  moral  lesson,  or  delightful  allegory,  lies 
skillfully  concealed  in  every  pretty  line,  like  the 
bee  in  the  blossom,  the  ethereal  humming-bird  in 
the  gaudy  flower  of  the  trumpet-creeper,  or  a 
naughty  boy  in  his  mama's  closet,  busily  engaged 
in  helping  himself. 

What  a  practical  lesson  in  economy,  and  an  apt 
illustration  of  the  force  of  circumstances,  is  con- 
tained in  the  simple  Wordsworthian  ballad, 

"  There  was  an  old  woman  who  lived  in  her  shoe." 


326  MOTHER   goose's   MELODIES. 

Yet,  despite  its  politico-economical  merits,  we 
must  confess  our  partiality  for  the  pleasing  liisto- 
riette  that  commences  with 

'' Hey  diddle  diddler 

Some  of  these  lines  remind  us  forcibly  of  the 
great  Wiggin's  happiest  efforts.  The  effect  pro- 
duced by  the  first  dash  off,  of  music  and  harmony, 
is  exquisite  and  brilliant.  Unlike  some  young 
cantatrice,  who,  after  a  long  squall,  accompanied 
by  frightful  physiognomical  distortions,  respect- 
fully informs  the  audience  that  it  is  imperatively 
necessary  she  should  dance  and  sing  "  fa  la  la" — 
unlike  her,  we  say,  it  leaps  at  once  with  measured 
cadence  into  the  very  midst  of  melody  with  a 
glowing  and  effervescent  burst  of  "Hey  diddle 
diddle.^' 

The  remainder  of  the  line  contains  a  very  sin- 
gular and  romantic  fact,  which  we  recommend  to 
the  serious  consideration  of  all  lovers  of  natural 
history ;  and  expressed,  too,  in  that  trite,  belief- 
commanding,  and  simple  style,  which  is  one  of  the 
distinguishing  charms  of  this  exquisite  produc- 
tion ; 

"  The  Cat's  in  the  Fiddle." 

How  in  the  world  got  she  in  ? 

"  Not  that  the  thing  was  rich  or  rare, 
But  how  the  D— 1  got  it  there  ?" 

Perchance  tlie  cat  was  a  small  one,  a  mere  cat-ulla ; 


A  TALL  JUMP.  327 

perchance  it  was  a  cat-astrophe,  or  in  a  cat-a-lept- 
ic  lit  the  cat  leapt  in. 

And  then  again  the  instrument  might  have  been 
a  base  viol,  and  though  it  were  base  and  vile  to  per- 
petrate a  jest  upon  so  serious  a  subject,  yet  we 
must  nevertheless  assert  that  it  was  not  a  kit.  A 
hit  ?  ]S"o,  no,  A  cat  in  a  kit  would  be  reversing 
the  order  of  nature,  and  if  once  in,  even  a  cat- 
aplasm would  not  draw  her  out.  Poor  cat! 
doubtless  orthodox  in  her  opinions,  and  far  from 
an  atheist,  yet  compulsory  circumstances  had  ren- 
dered her  in-fiddle. 

"  The  Cow  jumped  over  the  Moon.'^ 

vDear  friends!  if  it  has  ever  been  your  lot  to 
witness  one  of  these  amiable  bovine  lactaries  wal- 
lop over  a  three  railed  fence,  under  the  false  and 
delusive  idea  that  she  is  perpetrating  a  jump,  you 
may  perhaps  appreciate  the  immense  imaginative 
power  of  the  author ;  and  if  this  statement  shall 
prove  untrue,  we  must  say  that  his  sin  is  as  bad  as 
that  of  Sinbad,  who,  in  the  place  of  spinning 
yarns  spun  veritable  hawsers. 

On  second  thoughts,  however,  we  remember 
having  been  early  taught  that  the  moon  is  com- 
posed of  green  cheese,  so  it  is  evident  that  cows 
must  have  been  about. 

Had  the  animal's  horns  become  entangled  with 


328  MOTHER   goose's   MELODIES. 

those  of  the  moon,  she  would  have  been  between 
the  horns  of  a  dilemma  indeed,  and  might  have 
sung  with  Burns, 

*'  It  is  the  moon — I  ken  her  horn." 

The  poor  thing  was  probably  in  the  milky  way 
when  she  made  her  adventurous  leap. 

"  77ie  little  Dog  laughed  to  see  such  sport.^ 

We  believe  that  learned  historians  have  but  lit- 
tle question  as  to  the  identity  of  this  animal.  He 
was  doubtless  the  property  of  a  certain  Mistress 
Hubbard,  who  figures  quite  extensively  in  the 
previous  pages,  and  seems  from  the  best  authority 
to  have  been  a  dog  of  very  excellent  moral  char- 
acter. 

Unfortunate  cow !  your  misfortune  furnished 
food  for  his  mirth,  and  so  graphically  is  the  scene 
described,  that  we  saw  him  as  plain  as  might  be, 
when  we  read  it. 


And  methinks  I  see  him  now. 


"With  his  wreath  of  sunny  smiles,  and  his  little  pert  bow  wow." 

Such  sport?    Yes,  sport  to  you,  unfeeling  dog,  but 
perhaps  death  to  her. 

Yet  there  he  sits  upon  his  latter  end,  wiggling 
and  waggling  his  caudal  terminus,  his  head  up- 
lifted, his  bright  sparkling  eyes  flashing  with  fun 
and  mischief;  star-gazing  at  the  miserable  cow, 


8TJSPENDED  ANIMATION.  329 

who  frowns  doggedly  upon  him.  Now,  a  few 
short  sharp  yips,  and  off  he  starts  like  mad,  scours 
round  a  circle,  then,  like  John  Yan  Buren,  squats 
down  again  slap  upon  his  "  old  hunkers,"  and 
repeats  his  star-gazing. 

Mrs.  Hubbard's  dog !  we  would  fain  inquire  of 
you,  in  a  charitable  spirit,  where  you  expect  to  go 
to  ?  Look  seriously  upon  that  poor  creature,  sus- 
pended like  Mahomet's  coffin  between  heaven  and 
earth — moon-struck,  it  may  be,  if  she  has  hit  her 
head — and  tell  us,  do  you  not  feel  ashamed  ? 

Of  the  concluding  line  of  this  fine  old  ballad 
there  are  two  versions,  but  for  many  reasons  we 
prefer  the  following : 

"  And  the  dish-cloth  mped  the  spoon." 

We  like  it  for  the  lovely  and  helpful  spirit  evinced 
by  the  poor  dish-cloth,  the  very  Marchioness  and 
Cinderella  of  kitchen  furniture,  who,  despite  her 
own  miserable  condition,  heart-wrung,  perhaps,  by 
some  stalwart  wench,  yet  rushes  to  the  relief  of 
the  afflicted  spoon,  and  wipes  off  her  fast-falling 
tears,  occasioned,  in  all  human  probability,  by  the 
contemplation  of  that  piece  of  suspended  anima- 
tion— the  aforesaid  cow  stuck  on  the  moon. 

"A  fellow  feeling  makes  us  wondrous  kind." 
Kind  hearted  spoon  I  friendly  dish-cloth !  sad 
dog !  hapless  cow  ! 


CHAPTER  XIY. 

SQTnZZLETORIUS    IN   PUMPKIN-PIE-DOM A   FEAZJMENT 

AFTER   CARLYLE. 

Squzzletorius — brain  revolution-cracked,  cere- 
bral superficies  impinging  on  centre,  producing 
general  turn-all-over-tiveness,  and  topsy-turvj- 
dom  ;  scribatious  nevertheless,  and  periphrastic  as 
ever  ;  not  as  before  however  cerous  to  every  new 
doctrine-impression,  but  antipodical  in  these  lat- 
ter days,  and  shaping  course  logodromic  to  moral 
common-sense  meridians — writes  from  Pumpkin- 
pie-dom  : 

Embarked  at  Havre,  the  ocean  now  first  to  his  eye 
beholdable,  long  before,  however,  to  his  spirit- 
sight  visible  and  spirit-hand-touch  palpable,  Squiz- 
zletorius  indites  stupid  German-fire-illuminated 
sonnet  to  luciferous- waved  night-ocean,  short  al- 
though ;  writer  necessary  wontedness  to  vessel-mo- 
tion not  having  properly  attained,  and  heaving 
down-in-the-middle-and-right-up-again  sensation  at 
stomach,  requiring  immediate  petition  for  usufruct 
of  cascade-receiving  vessel. 


ARRIVES  IN  PUNKIN-PIE-DOM.  331 

Oh  Squizzletorius !  catharist  as  thou  deemest 
thyself,  what  hadst  to  do  upon  mad-surging  ocean  ? 
— better  have  filled  thy  cockloft  study-home  witji 
pipe-smoke-clouds,  dreaming  with  brain  beer-mtid- 
dled,  of  squat  Dutch-liberty-godesses,  short-gown 
clad,  ears  hoop-ringed,  mouth  pipe-adorned,  saur- 
kraut  and  hard  round  cheese  fed. 

Miserable  Squizzletorius !  form  attenuated 
lupus-appetited,  reaches  at  last  Punkin-pie-dom. 

Crowds  of  republican  losels  and  fustilarians,  all 
provided  with  eleemosynary  punkinpies,  faces 
treacle-lubricated,  hang  around  the  docks ;  punkin 
pies,  raw  pork  and  treacle  provided  them  ad  libi- 
tum by  Ephori  of  polygarchical  Punkin-pie-dom. 

Bus !  bus  !  bus !  acres  of  busses.  Squizzletorius, 
legs  sea-rolling,  head  sea-pitching  and  swimming, 
hears  many-voiced  shout,  "  Broadway,  right  up, 
sir !" 

Earthquake  imagining,  he  dashes  into  bus; 
driver,  left  hand  punkin-pie-adorned,  head  punkin- 
pie-immersed,  one  from  punkin-pie-peeping  eye 
visible,  cracks  whip,  and  with  lightning-flash-speed 
flying  go  the  horses. 

Jerk — ^bus  stops — ^young  man,  no  punkin-pie,  but 
punkin-pie  colored  gloves,  jumps  in. 

Crack  the  whip — off  the  bus — young  man  in 
gloves  punkin-pie-colored,  appears  comfortable, 
feet  upon  opposite  seat  stretched  out. 


332  SQUIZZLET0KIU8   IN   PUMPKm-PIE-DGM. 

Jerk  again— bus  stops  again — young  damsel, 
dress  punkin-pie-colored,  small  feet  and  ankle  dis- 
playing in  step-ascension,  seats  herself  opposite 
punkin-pie-color-gloved  young  man. 

Young  man  with  punkin-pie-colored-gloves,  why 
so  irate?  Why  gazest  upon  punkin-pie-color- 
dressed  young  damsel  with  storm-clouded  eye? 
Hast  lost  thy  foot-seat  ?    Pah  ! 

Again  here  Squizzletorius,  idea- visited,  rambles 
off. 

"  Cold,"  says  Squizzletorius,  "  increasing  to  in- 
tensity approximates  and  proclivitizes  intense  heat 
— e.  g.^  boys,  hands  snow-ball-making-frozen  from- 
ice-to-fire-changes.  Rule  proved  by  converse,  e.  g.^ 
matrimonial-state-changes." 

Rambling  thus,  we  leave  him.  Again,  mind  to 
real  object  awakening,  Squizzletorius  beholds 
punkin-pie-color-gloved  young  man,  no  longer 
with  eyes  hatred-flashing,  but  with  flame-kindling- 
love  glances,  gaze  upon  punkin-pie-color-dressed 
young  damsel. 

Something  white  near  her  feet.  Young  man 
espies  it.  Is  it  her  handkerchief?  Shall  he  do  a 
deed  of  gallant  daring,  and  recommend  himself  to 
the  shrine  of  his  new-love-heart- worship  ? 

But  here,  Squizzletorius  to  old  proverb  "  look 
ere  you  leap"  mind- recurring,  starts  off  in  pursuit, 


A   DREADFUL   MISTAKE.  333 

and  quits  not  until  twenty  pages  filled  with  High- 
Dutch  muddy  philosophy. 

Again  upon  his  subject,  Squizzletorius  relates — 
young  man  with  punkin-pie-colored-gloves,  with 
plainly-through-blushes-visible  verecundity,  stoops 
down  and  reverently  raises  white  appearance  at 
bottom  of  bus.  Punkin-pie-color- dressed  young 
damsel  shrieks  out,  saw-filing  voice — "  What  in 
thunder  are  you  doing  with  my  under-garment !  !  ! 


CHAPTER  XY. 

QUATTLEBUM. 

[Let  the  North  bewaie,  General  Gideon  Pillow  threatens  to  turn  out  and 
thrash  the  Yankees  before  breakfeist.  Where  is  General  Quattlebum  l—Tuck- 
ahoe  Clarion.] 

Heaven  protect  us.    Heaven  defend  us, 
"War  declaring,  here  they  come. 
Breathing  vengeance  'gainst  the  Union, 
Pillow  and  great  Quattlebum. 

Pillow  he  will  teach  the  Yankees, 
Teach  the  Yankees — how  to  run  ; 
His  brave  volunteers  commanding, 
Clear  the  road  for  Quattlebum. 

Wet  with  blood — or  currant  jeUy, 
Drips  the  "  sword  of  Gideon ;" 
Hot  from  Aztec  fields  of  glory, 
Pillow  joins  great  Quattlebum. 

Haste  ye,  haste  ye,  Abby  Kelly  ! 
Abby  Kelly !  quickly  come, 
Don  the  breeches,  hoist  that  banner. 
Banner,  'gainst  great  Quattlebum. 

Your  Lieutenant  is  some  punkins, 
Your  Lieutenant 's  pimkins  some, 
Known  in  story  as  "  Black  Douglass,** 
Douglass  'gainst  great  Quattlebum. 


DREADFUL    CONFLICT.  335 

Band  ?     There's  Judson,  John  and  Asa, 
And  you  have  a  Garrison, 
Garrison,  to  man  a  fortress, 
Fortress,  'gainst  great  Quattlebum. 

Captain  Swishelm,  blow  the  trumpet, 
Lewis  tap  on  the  base  drum\ 
Lots  of  woolly  headed  brethren 
Marshal  'gainst  great  Quattlebum, 

W7ien  they  meet,  shall  flow  in  rivers, 
Blood,  and  old  New  Englaud  rum, 
General  Kelly,  Major  Douglass, 
Swishelm,  Pillow,  Quattlebum. 

Christy's  bands  shall  sing  the  story, 
If  with  fear  not  stricken  dumb, 
How  they  sleep  on  fields  of  glory, 
Kelly,  Pillow,  Quattlebum. 


THE   END. 


J.  S.  REDFIELD, 

IJO  AND  112  xNASSAU  STREET,  NEW  YORK. 

HAS  JUST  PUBLISHED: 


EPISODES  OF  INSECT  LIFE. 

By  AcHETA  DoMESTicA.  In  Three  Series  :  I.  Insects  of  Spring.— 
n.  Insects  of  Summer. —  III.  Insects  of  Autumn.  Beautirally 
illustrated.  Crown  8vo.,  cloth,  gilt,  price  $2.00  each.  The  same 
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enough  for  the  study  and  the  school-room.  One  of  the  beautiful  lessons  of  this  work  is 
the  kindly  Tiew  it  takes  of  nature.  Nothing  is  made  in  vain  not  only,  but  nothing  is 
>nade  ugly  or  repulsive.  A  charm  is  thrown  around  every  object,  and  life  suffused 
Ihrough  all.  suggestive  of  the  Creator's  goodness  and  wisdom." — N.  Y.  Evangelist. 

"  Moths,  glow-worms,  lady-birds,  May-flies,  bees,  and  a  variety  of  other  inhabitants  of 
the  insect  world,  are  descanted  upon  in  a  pleasing  style,  combining  scientific  informatioQ 
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"  The  book  includes  solid  instruction  as  well  as  genial  and  captivating  mlrtli.  The 
•rientific  knowledge  of  the  writer  is  thoroughly  reliable."-    " 


^ 


MEN  AND  WOMEN  OF  THE  EIGHTEENTH  CENTURY. 

By  Arsene  Houssate,  with  beautifully  Engraved  Portraits  of 
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Contents.— Du^-esny,  Fontenelle,  Marivaux,  Piron,  The  Abbg  Prevost,  Gentil-Bemard, 
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margo,  Mile.  Clairon,  Mad.  de  la  Popelinigre,  Sophie  Amould,  Crgbillon  the  Tragic, 
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fulness  if  the  gravest.  It  should  be  in  every  library,  and  the  hands  of  every  reader." 
Batton  Commonwealth. 

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for  Ml  epicure  in  reading.'*— Home  Journal. 


REDFIELD  S  NEW  AND  POPULAR  PUBLICATIONS. 

PHILOSOPHERS  AND  ACTRESSES. 

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-m 


ANCIENT  EGYPT  UJSTDER  THE  PHARAOHS. 
By  John  Kendrick,  M.  A.     In  2  vols.,  12mo,  price  $2.50. 

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«» Not  only  the  geography  and  political  history  of  Egypt  under  the  Pharaohs  are 
given,  but  we  are  furnished  with  a  minute  account  of  the  domestic  manners  and  cus- 
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and  commerce.''—  Commercial  Advertiser. 

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nal of  Commerce. 

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Pharaohs." — American  Spectator. 


COMPARATIVE  PHYSIOGNOMY; 

Or  Resemblances  between  Men  and  Animals.  By  J.  W.  Redfielu, 
M.  D.  In  one  vol.,  8vo,  with  several  hundred  illustrations, 
price,  $2.00. 

"  Dr.  Redtteld  has  produced  a  very  curious,  amusing,  and  instructive  book,  curiou* 
m  its  origii>ality  and  illustrations,  amusing  in  the  comparisons  and  analyses,  and  in. 
structive  b^icause  it  contains  very  much  useful  mformation  on  a  too  much  neglected 
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"  The  whole  work  exhibits  a  good  deal  of  scientific  research,  intelligent  observation, 
mnd  ingenuity."- Z>a%  Union. 

»  Highly  entertaining  even  to  those  who  have  little  time  to  study  the  science."— 
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Information,  and  those  who  read  for  amusement  For  its  originality  vid  entertainin| 
character,  we  commend  it  to  our  readers." — Albany  Express. 

"  It  is  overflowing  with  wit,  humor,  and  originality,  and  profusely  illustrated.  Th«j 
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"  The  plan  is  a  novel  one ;  the  proofs  itriking,  and  must  challenge  the  attention  of  tb« 
eurious,"— PaiZy  Adterttser 


redfield's  new  and  »>opular  publications. 

A  STRAY  YANKEE  IN  TEXAS. 

A  Stray  Yankee  in  Texas.     By  Philip  Paxton.     With  lUugtra 
tions  by  Darley.     Second  Edition,  12rao.,  cloth.     $1  25. 

"  The  work  is  a  chef  d'auvre  in  a  style  of  literature  in  which  our  country  has  n( 
rival,  and  we  commend  it  to  all  who  are  afflicted  with  the  blues  or  ennui,  as  an  effec. 
tual  means  of  tickling  their  diaphragms,  and  giving  their  cheeks  a  holyday,'" — Boston 
Yankee  Blade. 

•'  We  find,  on  a  perusal  of  it,  that  Mr.  Paxton  has  not  only  produced  a  readable,  but 
a  %aluable  book,  as  regards  reliable  information  on  Texan  affairs.— flar</ord  Christian 
Secretary. 

"  The  book  is  strange,  wild,  humorous,  and  yet  truthful.  It  will  be  found  admirably 
descriptive  of  a  state  of  society  which  is  fast  losing  its  distinctive  peculiarities  in  the 
rapid  increase  of  population." — Arthur's  Home  Gazette. 

"  One  of  the  richest,  most  entertaining,  and,  at  the  same  time,  instructive  works  one 
could  well  desire."— Syracuse  Daily  Journal. 

"  The  book  is  a  perfect  picture  of  western  manners  and  Texan  adventures,  and  will 
occasion  many  a  hearty  laugh  in  the  reader." — Albany  Daily  State  Register. 


t 


NICK  OF  THE  WOODS. 

Nick  of  the  Woods,  or  the  Jibbenainosay  ;  a  Tale  of  Kentucky.  By 
Robert  M.  Bird,  M.  D.,  Author  of  "Calavar,"  "The  Infidel," 
&c.  New  and  Revised  Edition,  with  Illustrations  by  Darley.  1 
volume,  r2mo.,  cloth,  $1  25. 

•' One  of  those  singular  tales  which  impress  themselves  in  ineradicable  characters 
npon  the  memory  of  every  imaginative  reader." — Arthur's  Home  Gazette. 

"Notwithstanding  it  takes  the  form  of  a  novel,  it  is  understood  to  be  substantial  truth 
in  the  dress  of  fiction  ;  and  nothing  is  related  but  which  has  its  prototype  in  actual 
reality.'" — Albany  Argus. 

•'  Itis  a  tal**  of  frontier  life  and  Indian  warfare,  written  by  a  masterly  pen,  with  its 
Bcenes  so  graphically  depicted  that  they  amount  to  a  well-executed  painting,  at  once 
striking  and  thrilling." — Buffalo  Express. 


» 


WHITE,  RED,  AND  BLACK. 

Sketches  of  American  Society,  during  the  Visits  of  their  Guests,  by 
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•'  Mr.  Pulszky  and  his  accomplished  wife  have  produced  an  eminently  candid  and 
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tic."— Niw  York  Daily  Times. 

"  The  authors  have  here  furnished  a  narrative  of  decided  interest  and  value.  They 
have  given  us  a  view  of  the  Hungarian  war,  a  description  of  the  Hungarian  passage  tc 
this  country,  and  a  sketch  of  Hungarian  travels  over  the  country." — Philad.  Christian 
Chronicle. 

•'  Of  all  the  recent  books  on  America  by  foreign  travellers,  this  is  at  once  the  most 
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ough  knowledge  of  our  history."— Hart/orrf  Christian  Secretary. 

«'  This  is  a  valuable  book,  when  we  consider  the  amount  and  variety  of  the  informa 
tion  it  contains,  and  when  we  estimate  the  accuracy  with  which  the  facta  are  detailed. 
—  Worcester  Spy  -    .         .      .  ^ 


HIDFIELDS    NEW    AND    POPULAR    PUBLICATIONS. 

MOORE'S  LIFE  OF  SHERIDAN. 
Memoirs  of  the  Life  of  the  Rt.  Hon.  Richard  Brinsley  Shendan, 
.by  Thomas   Moore,  with  Portrait  after  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds. 
Two  vols.,  12mo,  cloth,  $2.00. 

"  One  of  the  most  brilliant  biographies  in  English  literature.  It  is  the  life  of  a  wH 
written  by  a  wit,  and  few  of  Tom  Moore's  most  sparkling  poems  are  more  brilliant  and 
'asfinaliniT  than  this  biography." — Boston  Transcript. 

«'  This  is  nt  once  a  most  valuable  biography  of  the  most  celebrated  wit  of  the  timev 
nd  one  of  the  most  entertaining  works  of  its  gifted  author." — Springfield  Republican. 

"  The  Life  of  Shfridan,  the  wit,  contains  as  much  food  for  serious  thought  as  the 
beet  sprmoij  tliat  wns  ever  penned." — Arthur's  Home  Gazette. 

"The  sketch  of  such  a  character  and  career  as  Sheridan's  by  sue  \and  as  Moore'i^ 
can  never  cease  to  be  attractive." — iV.  Y.  Courier  and  Enquirer. 

"The  work  is  instructive  and  full  of  interest." — Christian  Intelligencer. 

"  It  is  a  gem  of  biography ;  full  of  incident,  elegantly  written,  warmly  appreciatiTe^ 
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in  this  work  justice  done  to  his  surpassing  merits."— iV.  Y.  Evangelist. 


^ 


BARRINGTON'S  SKETCHES. 

Personal  Sketches  of  his  own  Time,  by  Sir  Joi^ah  BABRiifGTOii, 
Judge  t  f  the  High  Court  of  Admiralty  in  Ireland,  with  Illustra- 
tions by  Darley.     Third  Edition,  12mo,  cloth,  $1  25. 

«'  A  more  entertaining  book  than  this '-  not  often  thrown  in  our  way.  His  sketches 
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the  most  striking  and  graceful  outline." — Albany  Argus. 

.  "  He  was  a  very  shrewd  observer  and  eccentric  writer,  and  his  narrative  of  his  owu 
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Interesting." — N.  Y.  Commercial  Advertiser. 

"  It  is  one  of  those  works  which  are  conceived  and  written  in  so  hearty  a  view,  and 
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"  It  portrays  in  life-like  colors  the  characters  and  daily  habits  of  nearly  all  the  En§ 
lish  and  Irish  celebrities  of  that  period."— iV.  Y.  Courier  and  Enquirer. 


JOMINFS  CAMPAIGN  OF   WATERLOO. 

The  Political  and  Military  History  of  the  Campaign  of  Waterloo 
from  the  French  of  Gen.  Baron  Jomini,  by  Lieut.  S  V.  Benet 
U.  S.  Ordnance,  with  a  Map,  12mo,  cloth,  75  cents. 

«« Of  great  value,  both  for  its  historical  merit  and  its  acknowledged  impartiality."— 
Christian  Freeman,  Boston. 

•'  It  has  long  been  regarded  in  Europe  as  a  work  of  more  than  ordinary  merit,  while 
to  military  men  his  review  of  the  tactics  and  manoeuvres  of  the  French  Emperor  dur 
!ng  the  few  days  which  preceded  his  final  and  most  disastrous  defeat,  is  considered  tm 
instructive,  as  it  is  interesting."— ^r«A«r's  Home  Gazette. 

"  It  is  a  standard  authority  and  illustrates  a  subject  of  permanent  interest.  WitW 
military  students,  and  historical  inquirers,  it  will  be  a  favorite  reference,  and  for  '<;^ 
general  reader  it  possesses  great  value  and  interest." — Boston  Transcript. 

"  It  throws  much  light  on  often  mooted  points  respecting  Napoleon's  military  •itMi 
political  genius.    The  translation  is  one  of  much  vigor." — Boston  CommonweaUk. 

«'  It  supplies  an  important  chapter  in  the  most  interesting  and  eventful  period  o?  '*• 
poleon's  military  career. ' — Savannah  Daily  News. 

"*  It  is  ably  written  and  skilfully  translated." — Yanku  Blade. 


REDFIELD's    new    and    popular    PUI1LICATI0N8. 

NAPOLEON  IN  EXILE  ; 

Or,  a  Voice  from  St.  Helena.  Being  the  opinions  and  ififlections  of 
Napoleon,  on  the  most  important  events  in  his  Life  and  Govern- 
ment, in  his  own  words.  By  Barry  E.  O'Meara,  his  late  Sur- 
geon, with  a  Portrait  of  Napoleon,  after  the  celebrated  picture  of 
i)elaroche,  and  a  view  of  St.  Helena,  both  beautifully  engravci? 
on  steel.     2  vols.  12mo,  cloth,  $2. 

•'  Nothing  can  exceed  the  graphic  ti'uthfulnese  with  which  these  volumes  record  ttrn 
words  and  habits  of  Napoleon  at  St.  H(>lena,  and  its  pages  are  endowed  with  a  charm 
far  transcending  that  of  romance"— Albany  State  Register. 

"  Every  one  who  desiiPM  to  obtain  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  character  of  Napoleon, 
should  possess  himseif  of  this  book  of  O'JSlear&'s."— Arthur's  Home  Gazette. 

"  It  is  something  indeed  to  know  Napoleon's  opinion  of  the  men  and  events  of  the 
thirty  years  preceding  his  fall,  and  his  comments  throw  more  light  upon  history  than 
anything  we  have  read."— Albany  Express. 

"  The  two  volumes  before  us  are  worthy  supplements  to  any  history  of  France," 
f  Hon  Evening  Gazette. 


? 


MEAGHER S  SPEECHEk. 

Speeches  on  the  Legislative  Independence  of  Ireland,  witii  Intro- 
ductory Notes.     By  Francis  Thomas  Meagher.     1  vol.  12rao, 

Cloth.     Portrait.     $1. 

"  The  volume  before  us  embodies  some  of  the  noblest  specimens  of  Irish  eloquence  ; 
not  florid,  bombastic,  nor  acrimonious,  but  direct  manly,  and  convincing."— iVew  York 
IVibuiie. 

"  There  is  a  glowing,  a  burning  eloquence,  in  these  speeches,  which  prove  the  author 
a  man  of  extraordinary  intellect." — Boston  Olive  Branch. 

"  As  a  brilliant  and  eftective  orator,  Meagher  stands  unrivalled." — Portland  Eclectic. 

"  All  desiring  to  obtain  a  good  idea  of  the  political  history  of  Ireland  and  the  move- 
ments of  her  people,  will  bo  greatly  assisted  by  reading  these  speeches."— -S'yracitsi 
Daily  Star. 

"It  is  copiously  illustrated  by  explanatory  notes,  so  that  the  reader  will  ha%'e  no  diffi- 
culty in  understanding  the  exact  state  of  affairs  when  each  speech  was  delivered." — 
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A 


THE  PRETTY  PLATE, 

A  new  and  beautdful  juvenile.     By  John  Vincent.     Illustrated  by 
Darlet.    1  vol.  16mo,  Cloth,  gilt,  63  cts.    Extra  gilt  edges,  88  cts. 

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Instruction  and  interest  to  the  young,  and  is  illustrated  with  beautiful  engravings." — 
Bos  to  71  Christian  Freeman. 

"  One  of  the  very  best  told  and  sweetest  juvenile  stories  that  has  been  issued  from  the 
Oress  this  st^ason.     It  has  a  most  excellent  moral."— Detroit  Daily  Advertiser. 

"  A  nice  little  book  for  a  holyday  present.  Our  little  girl  has  read  it  through,  and  pro 
lionnces  it  first  rate." — Hartford  Christian  Secretary. 

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Darlcy's  best  style  ^—Albany  Etpre»a 


redfield's  new  and  popular  publications 

ART  AND  INDUSTRY, 

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Showing  the  Progress  and  State  of  the  Various  Useful  and  Es- 
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'•  it  will  bii  read  extensively  and  with  interest  by  all  who  are  engaged  in  any  depart 
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ceptable."— CArisfian  Secretary,  Hartford. 


A 


A  MONTH  IN  ENGLAND. 

By  Henry  T.  Tuckerman.     Author  of  "  Sicily,  a  Pilgrimage,'* 
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densed yet  full,  chaste  yet  glowing  with  beauty." — N.  Y.  Independent. 

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ous writer  and  keen  observer." — Christian  Freeman. 

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castles,  books,  artists,  authors,  and  other  et  cetera  which  came  in  his  way." — Zion'» 
Herald. 

"  Mr.  Tuckerman  is  one  of  the  purest  and  most  elegant  writers  that  adorn  American 
literature," — Knickerbocker,  Albany. 


**, 


VASCONSELQS. 
A  Romance  of  the  New  World.     By  Frank  Cooper.     12mo 

Cloth.     $1  25. 

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and  circumstance  of  chivalry  are  presented,  make  Vasconselos  one  of  the  most  iiitei^ 
esting  works  of  American  fiction." — N.  Y.  Evening  Post. 

•'  It  is  well  written,  full  of  spirit,  interesting  historical  facts,  beautiful  local  descrip- 
tions, and  well-sustained  cha»aciers.  Cuban  associations  abound  in  it,  and  there  is  a  fin« 
southern  glow  over  the  whole." — Boston  Transcript. 

"■  It  is  freely  written,  full  of  spaikle  and  freshness,  and  must  interest  any  one  whose 
appreciation  is  at  all  vigorous."    Buffalo  Express. 

••The  story  is  an  interesting  one,  while  the  style  is  most  refreshingly  good  for  these 
iays  of  easy  writing." — Arthur's  Home  Gazette. 

*'  This  is  an  American  romance,  and  to  such  as  arc  fond  of  this  order  of  literature  ii 
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REDFIELD'S    new    and    POPUiiR    PUBLICATlO«» 


CLOVERNOOK; 

Or,  Recollections  of  our  Neighborhood  in  the  West.  By  At.scr. 
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(Fourth  edition.) 

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Id  be  made  free  of  western  homes  at  once."— OW  Colony  Memorial. 

"  They  bear  the  true  stamp  of  genius— simple,  natural,  tinithful— and  evince  a  kf«n 
t\m&e  of  the  humor  and  pathos,  of  the  comedy  and  tragedy,  of  life  in  the  country."— J 
a   WhiUier. 


^ 


DREAM-LAND  BY  DAY-LIGHT: 

A  Panorama  of  Romance.     By  Caroline  Chesebho'.     Illustrated 
by  Darlet.     One  vol.,  12mo.,  price  $1.25.     (Second  edition.) 

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the  highest  moral  emotions."— Albany  State  Register. 

"  Gladly  do  we  ereet  this  floweret  in  the  field  of  our  literature,  for  it  is  fragrant  with 
sweet  and  bright  with  hues  that  mark  it  to  be  of  Heaven's  own  planting." — Courier  and 
Enquirer. 

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noblest  faculties  and  aftections  of  man's  nature  are  depicted  and  illustrated  by  the  ekU- 
ful  pen  of  the  authoress." — Churchman. 


T 


LAYS  OF  THE  SCOTTISH  CAVALIERS. 

By  William  E.  Attoun,  Professor  of  Literature  and  Belle«i-Let 
tres  in  the  Universitj'-  of  Edinburgh  and  Editor  of  Blackwood's 
Magazine.     One  vol.,  12mo.  cloth,  price  $1.00. 

"  Since  Lockhart  and  Macaulay's  ballads,  we  have  had  no  metrical  work  to  be  com- 
pared in  spirit,  vigor,  and  rhythm  with  this.  These  ballads  itnbcdy  and  embalm  the 
chief  historical  incidents  of  Scottish  history — literally  in  'thoughts  that  breathe  and 
words  that  bum.'  They  are  full  of  lyric  energy,  graphic  description,  and  genuine  feel 
oig." — Home  Journal. 

"  The  fine  ballad  of  *  Montrose'  in  this  collection  is  alone  worth  the  price  of  the  book.' 
Sostm  Transcript. 


<i/^ 


THE  BOOK  OF  BALLADS. 
By  Bow  Gaultier.     One  volume,  12mo.,  cloth,  price  75  cents. 

''Here  is  a  book  for  everybody  who  loves  classic  fun.  It  is  made  up  of  ballads  of 
,  11  borts,  each  a  capital  parody  upon  the  style  of  some  one  of  the  best  lyric  writers  of 
ilio  time,  from  the  thundering  versification  of  Lockhart  and  Macaulay  to  the  sweetest 
and  simplest  strains  of  Wordsworth  and  Tennyson.  The  author  is  one  of  the  firs! 
Bcholars,  and  one  of  the  most  finished  writers  of  the  day,  and  this  production  is  but  th« 
frolic  of  his  genius  in  play-time" — Courier  and  Enquirer. 

"  We  do  not  know  to  whom  belongs  this  nom  de  plume,  but  he  is  certainly  a  hamoiilt 
of  no  commcn  pownr."— Proptdettce  Jaurncd. 


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With  an  Appendix,  containing  the  Diplomatic  Correspondence 
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mend to  the  attention  of  our  readers." — London  Critic. 

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Evening  Post. 


THE  RUSSIAN  SHORES  OF  THE  BLACK  SEA, 

With  a  Voyage  down  the  Volga  and  a  Tour  through  the  Country 
of  the  Cossacks.  By  Laurence  Oliphant,  Author  of  "  A  Jour- 
ney to  Nepaul."  From  the  Third  London  Revised  and  Enlarged 
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don Examiner. 

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cinct writer,  and  his  book  embodies  the  best  account  of  Southern  Russia  that  has  ever 
appeared.    His  account  of  Sevastopol  will  find  many  interested  readers." — Boston  Atlas. 

"  This  book  reminds  us  more  of  Stephen's  delightful  '  Incidents  of  Travel'  than  any 
other  book  with  which  we  are  acquainted.  It  is  an  interesting  and  valuable  book.  He 
was  as  sharp  at  seeing  as  a  live  Yankee,  and  he  has  given  us  the  fruits  of  his  observation* 
in  a  veiy  graphic  and  interesting  style." — Boston  TVaveUer 


A 


A  YEAR  WITH  THE  TURKS; 

Or,  Sketches  of  Travel  in  the  European  and  Asiatic  Dominions 
of  the  Sultan.  By  "Warrington  W.  Smith,  M.A.  With  a 
Colored  Ethnological  Map  of  Turkey.     12mo,  cloth ;  price  75  cts. 

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empire  in  so  many  directions — and  many  are  the  errors,  the  false  reports,  the  miscon- 
ceptions as  to  fact  or  motive  which  are  here  corrected  by  an  able  and  impartial  wit* 
ness." — London  Atherueum. 

"  One  of  the  freshest  and  best  books  of  travel  on  the  Sultan's  dominions." — New  York 
Commercial  Advertiser. 

"  The  reader  obtains  an  excellent  and  reliable  idea  of  the  actual  condition  of  the  peo- 
ple, of  the  mongrel  races,  and  the  present  state  of  the  Sultan's  dominions.  There  is  a 
vivid  interest  in  the  narrative,  and  abundance  of  real  information."— JJorton  TrunsaripL 


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THE  NIGIJT-SIDE  OF  NATURE; 

Or.  Ghosts  and  Ghost-Seers.     By  Catherine  Crowe.     One  vol., 
12mo,  price  $1.25. 

**  In  this  remarkable  work,  Miss  Crowe,  who  writes  with  the  vigor  and  grace  of  a 
woman  of  strong  sense  and  high  cultivation,  collects  the  most  remarkable  and  beet 
nuthenticatpd  accfmnts,  traditional  and  recorded,  of  preternatural  visitations  and  appear- 
ances."—jBos^oa  Transcript 

"  An  almost  unlimited  fund  of  interesting  illustrations  and  anecdotes  touching  the 
spiritual  world."— JV«o  Orleans  Bee. 


^ 


TALES  AND  TRADITIONS  OF  HUNGARY. 

By  Theresa  Pulszky,  with  a  Portrait  of  the  Author.     One  vol. 
price  $1.25. 

The  above  contains,  in  addition  to  the  English  publication,  a  new  Preface,  and 
Tales,  now  first  printed  from  the  manuscript  of  the  Author,  who  has  a  direct  interest 
in  the  publication. 

"  niis  work  claims  more  attention  than  is  ordinarily  given  to  books  of  its  class.  Such 
is  the  fluency  and  correctness — nay,  even  the  nicety  and  felicity  of  style — with  which 
Madame  Pulszky  writes  the  English  language,  that  merely  in  this  respect  the  tales  here 
oolU'cted  form  a  curious  study.  But  they  contain  also  highly  suggestive  illustrations  of 
national  literature  and  character." — London  Examiner. 

"  Freshness  of  subject  is  invaluable  in  literature — Hungary  is  still  fresh  ground.  It 
has  been  trodden,  but  it  is  not  yet  a  common  highway.  The  tales  and  legends  are  very 
various,  from  the  mere  traditional  anecdote  to  the  regular  legend,  and  they  have  the  sort 
of  interest  which  all  national  traditions  excite." — London  Leader. 


# 


CHAPMAN S  AMERICAN  DRAWING^BOOK. 

The  American  Drawing-Book,  intended  for  Schools,  Academies, 
and  Self-Instruction.  By  John  G.  Chapman,  N.  A.  Three 
Parts  now  published,  price  50  cents  each. 

This  Work  will  be  issued  in  Parts  ;  and  will  contain  Primary  Instruction  and  Rudi- 
ments of  Drawing:  Drawing  from  Nature— Materials  and  Methods:  Perspective-  - 
Composition — Landscape — Figures,  etc. :  Drawing,  as  applicable  to  the  Mechanic  Arts  ? 
Painting  in  Oil  and  Water  Colors:  The  Principles  of  Light  and  Shade :  External  Anato- 
my of  the  Human  Form,  and  Comparative  Anatomy  :  The  Various  Methods  of  Etching, 
Engraving,  Modelling,  &c. 

"  It  has  received  the  sanction  of  many  of  our  most  eminent  artists,  and  can  scarcely 
be  commended  too  highly." — N.  Y.  Tribune. 

"  But  so  cl(>arly  are  its  principles  developed  in  the  beautiful  letter-press,  and  so  ex- 
quisitely are  they  illustrated  by  the  engravings,  that  the  pupil's  way  is  opened  most  in- 
vitingly to  a  thorough  knowledge  of  botla  the  elements  and  application." — Home  Journal. 

"The  engravings  are  superb,  and  the  typography  unsurpassed  by  any  book  with 
which  we  are  acquainted.  It  is  an  honor  to  tlie  author  and  publisher,  and  a  credit  to 
our  common  country." — Sdendjic  American. 

"This  work  is  so  distinct  and  progressive  in  its  instructions  that  we  or>n  not  well  see 
how  it  could  fail  to  impart  a  full  and  complete  knowledge  of  the  art.  Nothing  can  via 
with  it  in  raedianical  and  artistic  execution." — Knickerbocker  Magazine. 


nCDFIF.LD'S    NEW    AND    POPULAR     PUBLICATIONS. 


.SIMMS'  RE  VO L  UTIONA  R  Y  TALES, 

UNIFORM      SERIES. 

New  and  entirely  Revised  Edition  of  William  Gilmore  Simms' 
Romances  of  the  Revo  ution,  with  Illustrations  by  Darlet, 
Each  complete  in  one  vol.,  12mo,  cloth ;  price  $1.25. 

^.  THE  PARTISAN.  in.  KATHAEINE  WALTON.  (In  presi) 

II.  MELLICHAMPE.  IV.  THE  SCOUT.  (In  press.) 

V.  "WOODCRAFT.  (In  press.) 
"The  field  of  Revolutionary  Romance  was  a  rich  one,  and  Mr.  Siinms  has  worked  it 
admirably." — Louisville  Journal.  , 

"  But  few  novelists  of  the  age  evince  more  power  in  the  conception  of  a  Ptory,  more 
artistic  skill  in  its  manngeinent,  or  more  naturalness  in  tiie  final  detiouement  than  Mr 
Simms." — Mobile  Daily  Advertiser. 

"  Not  only  par  excellence  the  literary  man  of  the  South,  but  next  to  no  romance  writer 
in  America." — Albany  Knickerbocker. 

"Simms  is  a  popular  writer,  and  his  romances  are  highly  creditable  to  American 
literature." — Boston  Olive  Branch. 

"These  books  are  replete  with  daring  and  thrilling  adventures,  principally  drawn 
from  history." — Boston  Chrlitian  Freeman. 

"We  take  pleasure  in  noticing  another  of  the  series  which  Redfield  is  presenting  to 
the  country  of  the  brilliant  productions  of  one  of  the  very  ablest  of  our  American 
authors — of  one  indned  who,  in  his  peculiar  sjiliere,  is  inimitable.  This  volume  is  a 
c(mtinuation  of 'Tlie  Partisan.'  "—Philadelphia  American  Courier. 

ALSO     UNIFORM     WITH     THE     ABOVE 

THE   YEMASSEE, 

A  Romance  ^f  South  Carolina.  By  Wm.  Gilmore  Simms.  New 
and  entirely  Revised  Edition,  with  Illustrations  by  Darley.  12mo, 
cloth;  i)rice  $1.25. 

'In  interest,  it  is  second  to  but  few  romances  in  the  language;  in  power,  it  holds  3 
high  rank ;  in  healthfulness  of  style,  it  furnishes  an  example  worthy  of  emulation."— 
Cheene  County  Whig. 


*i 


SIMMS'  POETICAL  WORKS. 

Poems:  Descriptive,  Dramatic,  Legendary,  and  Contemplative. 
By  Wm.  Gilmore  Simms.  With  a  portrait  on  steel.  2  vols., 
12mo,  cloth;  price  $2.50. 

Contents  :  Norman  Maurice ;  a  Tragedy.— Atalantis ;  a  Tale  of  the  Sea.— Tales  and 
Traditions  of  the  South.— The  City  of  the  Silent— Southexn  Passages  and  Pictures.— 
Historical  and  Dramatic  Sketches.— Scripture  Lege-'ls.- Francesca  da  Rimini,  etc. 

•'  We  are  glad  to  see  the  poems  of  our  best  Southern  author  collected  in  twc  hand- 
some volumes.  Here  we  have  embalmed  in  graphic  and  melodious  verse  the  scenic 
wonders  and  cliarms  of  the  South ;  *nd  this  feature  of  the  work  alone  gives  it  a  per- 
manent  and  special  value.  None  can  read  '  Southern  Passages  and  Pictures  without 
feeling  that  therein  the  poetic  aspects,  association,  and  sentiment  of  Southern  lite  and 
Bcenory  are  vitally  enshrined.  *  Norman  Maurice'  is  a  dramatic  poem  of  peculiar  scope 
and  unusual  interest;  and  '  Atalantis,' a  poem  upon  which  some  ot  the  author  s  finest 
powers  of  thought  and  expression  are  richly  lavished.  None  of  our  poets  offer  so  great 
a  variety  of  styte  or  a  more  original  choice  of  suhjecta."— Boston  Traveller. 

"  His  versification  is  fluent  and  mellifluous,  yet  not  lacking  in  point  of  vigor  when  an 
enerffetic  style  is  requisite  to  the  subject."— iV.  Y.  Commercial  Advertiser. 

'♦Mr.  Simms  ranks  among  the  first  poets  of  our  country,  and  these  well-printed 
volamea  contain  poetical  productions  of  rare  merit." — Washington  (D.  C.)  Star. 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  50  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.00  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


bhC  2Hmo 

FEB    26  1938 

•'.  Iln!-  /  !<•„ 

UECii  t 

2oJan'58Rrii 

f?PC  D  LD 

JAN    6  woo 

^'^'^'p^ftir 

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...--s  T-"^ 

/ 

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^^^ 

922976 

THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORHIA  LIBRARY 

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